Surf and Turf

We return to Pillar Point Harbor where the gang is still camping in the parking lot.  Everyone goes about their morning routine, Albie sings a ditty “In the Tent, In the Tent, in the Tent…” to the tune of Melissa’s song “On Display”.  Lauren puts on her makeup, Papa Manzo is trying to chop wood with a meat cleaver, and Jacs and Teresa chuckle over almost wearing the same sweatshirt.  Wow Teresa and Jacs sharing a sweatshirt moment…do I smell a reconciliation?  No, that’s just Joe Gorga taking his pants off again!

Chris is ready to go surfing while Vito shows Joe the “tattoo” of a bear on his ass.  Joe takes the bait and gets an eye-shot straight up Vito’s asshole.  Papa Manzo is not amused that this is what will be marrying his daughter.  Juicy Joe makes sure everyone gets good and liquored up prior to surfing, because that is such a great idea.  The gang piles into a surf shop to buy gear and grease up.  Everyone is worried about Joe because he is wasted and he can barely move in his wet suit, but hey, going surfing when you have no idea what you are doing, drunk, it’s all good.

Joe looks like the creature from the black lagoon and Melissa decides to stay on shore and rock out her bedazzled bikini because heaven forbid she would put on that unflattering wetsuit.  Kathy and Teresa get a quick lesson and they try to ride the waves.  Kathy gives it a valiant effort and Teresa tries a few times, but falls and plugs her nose each time.  I thought only five year olds did that.  Maybe she will hit her head and get some GD sense knocked into her.  But alas, the only injury she suffers is her toe and then we are treated to another scary commentary moment with Teresa in her “I murdered a pheasant” dress.  In case you missed it…

The gang is all having a blast on the beach, even the Joes are getting along.  The crazy hooo-ahs jog along the beach as if they are in “Baywatch”.  Albie thinks it’s too good to be true…could that be the giant wave of foreshadowing rolling in???

Back in the RV, Teresa groans about her toe injury, which now appears to be more of a foot/ankle deal.  While she is groaning in pain trying to ice her foot with a frozen tube of Jimmy Dean sausage, Juicy thinks it will be funny to take the sausage and hold it by his crotch and pretend like he is competing with Joe.  Of course Joe don’t need no stinkin’ props, he shows us the real thing…AGAIN.  Teresa is grossed out and doesn’t want to be like Angelina Jolie and her brother.  OY…a collective OY!

Juicy shouts that he only “shows mines to womens!”  Yes, womens, of course only womens he dated before Teresa.  Not the “friend with the missing wallet” with whom Juicy was feverishly texting at the meeting of the man mind prior to this trip, never.  Teresa doesn’t really pick up on what her slug of a husband is saying, she is too distracted by Melissa spanking and fondling her ham hocks.  Kathy decides to break up their party and coaxes Teresa and Melissa out to the campfire to continue getting loaded.  Chris lectures everyone about getting up early to so they can get going and Juicy starts mouthing off.  Melissa decides they should play “Truth or Dare” and the Boyz II Manzos dare Joe to strip down into his underwear and knock on the door of another RV and ask if they have any tropical fruit.  And faster than shit through a short dog, Joe is down to his skivvies and headed to the neighboring RV.

The man who answers the door is actually quite calm about it and offers him some vegetables instead.  Joe scores a green pepper and it qualifies for completing the dare.

Albie takes a “truth” question and Lauren asks if he fears being separated from his siblings.  Albie is looking forward to being separated from them so they can all move forward on their separate paths.  Dun, dun, dun…more foreshadowing?

Teresa isn’t receiving enough attention so she has to start whining about her foot again.  The gang fears her foot or ankle may be broken, Jacs sits by her side like a loyal lap dog and offers her comfort.  Juicy begrudgingly carries Teresa in to the RV so she can rest, but not first without commenting on how heavy she is.  I’m sure it’s hard to carry anything with those short little Jabba arms of his.

Teresa is miraculously cured overnight and the next day, she is cramming her swollen foot/ankle into gold metallic snakeskin cowboy boots.  The crew rolls out to their next destination and Melissa and Teresa have a conversation about fake boobs.  We are treated to an old clip of Teresa from back in the day, day when she first went in for a consultation to enhance her 34 AAA’s.  Apparently, Teresa gave Melissa a hard time about her fake boobs and thought only strippers had them, but of course when the time came to enhance her own, it was permissible.

Albie takes a call from Lindsey and she says something about boxes and his apartment.  Caroline’s head spins 360 degrees and she is confused by this apartment talk, how did Lindsey find an acceptable apartment so quickly, Mama Manzo wonders.  Albie realizes the cat is outta the Louis Vuitton bag and he fesses up.  Of course, Caroline is concerned that Albie is moving too fast and Albie dreads telling Lauren because he knows it will mean another epic meltdown.  Christopher decides to call Lauren on the walkie talkie to tell her that Lindsey moved into their apartment.  Lauren is pissed, I think a text would have been better.  She wishes they would have taken her to lunch and told her face to face.  I am not sure I understand Lauren’s unhealthy obsession with her brothers.

Teresa shrieks “Golden Gate Bridge” and can’t figure out why it is red instead of gold.  Why is everything with her so literal?  Juicy Joe of course has his commentary about the bridge, as if it’s no big deal, he can build bridges like that in his sleep.  Yes Juicy, because you’re the best at everything.

A collective freak out takes over when the gang realizes there is no cell service as they drive deeper into the woods.  Juicy compares it to “Deliverance” and they see people hitch hiking.  They arrive at Casini Ranch Campground and Teresa remarks on the ducks “OMG…look at the swan’s, how pretty!”  If this chick ever went to a zoo, her head would explode.

The men go to the general store and buy a bunch of crap and some mood rings.  Chris brings Jacs some chicken broth, salt and pepper, and buns and she is supposed to whip up a meal outta that.  Juicy gives Teresa the mood ring and she kisses him gratefully.  Richie has purchased a whiffle ball bat, much to Kathy’s chagrin and she tells him to “go play in traffic!”  We later learn that Richie’s M.O. is one of “f*cking up a one car funeral on a one way street”  This way Kathy never asks him to do things.

The ladies actually put out a pretty impressive spread, for camping and the limited supplies they had to work with.  Vito asks Lauren for some ribs and she yells at him about getting a plate.  Chris starts sassing off to Lauren and she gets pissed and then her whole family gangs up on her about being overly sensitive.  For f*cks sake, the poor girl is starving!  Caroline comments that Lauren locked herself in the RV “because she’s an asshole”.  That sound byte actually sounded a bit doctored, as if Caroline made the asshole comment about Teresa someone else and the editing geniuses at Bravo dubbed it in.  Lauren is pissed off about her brothers’ constant obnoxious behavior and is getting no support, the gang decides to let her cry it out in RV #3.

The next day, the group goes to the Russian River for some canoeing hijinks.  The instructors are giving the group a lesson, but the boys are too busy playing with super soakers and they miss the important debriefing about the river ticks that will eat them alive.  The couples take off and they are a hot mess.  Caroline and Albert go their own way to have a peaceful canoe ride on more civilized waters, while the others stay back and act like four year olds.  Melissa and Joe fall out of the canoe and Melissa starts screaming like a howler monkey and that is no exaggeration.  You would think she was dumped into a vat of hydrochloric acid infested with piranha.  The crew takes a quick break on the side of the creek and the two Joes walk off to the bushes to pee and find a cure for cancer.  Melissa and Kathy take a moment to catch up and give each other Teresa updates.

Caroline and Jacs talk all things Teresa while Joe questions Teresa on her take of the situation.  Teresa continues to play victim, Jacs broke her heart, she cried for two days…wah, wah, wah.  Melissa gives her the death glare and Joe has had enough and knows that Teresa is wrong and Jacs has backed Teresa up every step of the way.

The gang hangs out around the fire and Jacs is sucking on a wine cooler.  I didn’t even know they made wine coolers anymore.  Teresa invites Jacs to come help her get dessert.  Translation = I want to confront you and make you feel like you effed up and I will squeeze an apology out of you with a garlic press if I have to.  They sit down in the RV and Teresa starts the one sided, I didn’t do anything wrong, bull shit, “where do we go from here, I’m still hurt.”  Clearly, these two have different definitions of what a friend is.

The gang is starting to panic a bit because the crazy bitches have been gone too long, and they want their apple pie, GODDAMMNIT!  Jacs tells Teresa they can just be surface friends and not ask questions.  Teresa says they should go separate ways then and Jacs starts crying.  Teresa bumbles her way through the rest of the conversation, fake cries, and gets a paper towel to dab Jacs’ tears.  Teresa says that out of the goodness of her heart, she thinks she may be able to forgive Jacs.  F’ing Jacs buys it, hook, line, and sinker.  Not only that, but she APOLOGIZES to Teresa.  I am completely gob smacked.  They re-join the group and Caroline tells the camera “As sure as I know my name is Caroline Manzo, I know Jacs is going to get hurt.”


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