They Paved Paradise and Put Up a Parking Lot

How ironical!  Hurricane Irene is on the way and is threatening New Jersey, everyone must evacuate!  Good thing our fun group of ass clowns are heading out to Napa this week.  A Jersey storm is a-brewin’ all right as all the ladies start packing for the RV trip.  Teresa is all over it with her leopard pajamas, her leopard slippers, and her leopard spanx.  G to the ia rolls her eyes as her skanky mother flaunts a yellow sequined swim suit that looks like something a hooker on 3rd shift would wear.  The Juice man tells her to bring some sensible shoes for hiking and she is flabbergasted that she can’t wear her heels.  I don’t think Teresa has a clue where she is going, but she is definitely packed to appear on a pole in Hoboken.

Jacs is packing away as well, and she too is having problems deciding on the sassy platform shoes or the corkie wedges.  She asks Chris “what is the artinerary”, (you read that right).  In typical Manzo fashion, he boils it down, three outfits to wear out and rest is casual!  Jacs idea of camping is waiting for a good parking spot at the mall.

Teresa is still whining about how hurt she is and Juicy tells to shadddup, he’s heard it 100 times!  He tells her not to worry about it because she will be with him and Teresa jumps in his arms and his knees practically buckle.  Yes, because he is all she needs, a disgusting, controlling, mucinex slug by her side.  She is worried about the hurricane, but “all it means is a lot of rain and windy, ri’ight?”

Albie and Lindsey discuss his impending trip and sassy Greg and Christopher join the convo while Albie asks Lindsey to stay in the apartment for a while.  Translation = move in.  Lindsey agrees and can’t wait to have all night pajama parties with Albie so they can discuss their dreams and aspirations.  Albie shits his pants a little bit in anticipation of what Mama Manzo will say.  He doesn’t seem to care though because he is happy and he has never “had this sensation before”.  Well Albie, that “sensation” should probably be checked out at the local free clinic.  Don’t worry, they are very discreet.  The Boyz II Manzos continue to prep for the trip, but due to the weather, Christopher describes their trip as the A$$ley Holmes trip.  “Going to California by way of Texas, by way of New Jersey.”

We are treated to some cameos of Matt Lauer and Governor Chris Christie discussing the evacuation of the area due to the storms.  The clan decides to drive to Pittsburgh which will take five hours, this is a great start to the trip.  There is some raw home video of the gang, all travelling amicably.  Kathy just hopes it’s not the “calm before the storm”.  Oh Kathy, you recipe sealer punster!  The men are peeing roadside while Teresa listens to Melissa’s latest single “How Many Times” and offers critique stating, “you should have called it ‘Dreams Do Come True’!”  I am sure Melissa is thinking “How many times do I have to restrain myself from punching you in the face, but all of my dreams would come true if I could!”

The gang finally arrives in San Francisco and they take a shuttle bus to their next pit stop.  Caroline is appalled at the outfits everyone is wearing for camping and points out Teresa’s shoes.  Teresa says “at least they look Aztec-ey, we’re going to a Native American place, ri’ight?”.  Good God Juicy, you call me when you kill her.  I will help you hide the body.  As sassy Greg gazes out the bus window, he ponders how cows mate so Lauren Googles “how cows get it on”.  There is a collective scream as they watch a You Tube video of Ray J and Kim Kardashian a bull and a cow mating.  Teresa is so clueless, she says “what are you looking at, horses?”  Seriously Juicy, I will help you bury her body.

They stop at Camping World to purchase supplies and pick up the rented RV’s.  They are all running around like idiots buying shit they will never need.  Kathy is riding around on a bike and Teresa compares her to the witch from the Wizard of Oz.  Teresa is excited about the game aisle and decides to buy…ahem…Scrabble.  Teresa, you actually have to use words that are, like, in the real dictionary.  They ring up about $4,500 in supplies and Albie asks the cashier if they have enough supplies for 36 hours and she says “that’s enough for a lifetime, honey”.  They have no brains, but plenty of Bravo funny money to burn.

Caroline has taken the opportunity to steal the sausage and cheese that Vito brought, Juicy is stealing other people’s camping supplies, everyone finishes loading up, and Teresa is in the bathroom of the RV having explosive diarrhea.  Melissa is coaching her through the poop. “just push it out!”  Chris gets Joe on the walkie-talkie and he announces Teresa is having a “shit attack”.

They are driving up through the mountains and the windy roads, Kathy is very nervous and she is glad she brought her rosary with her.  Sassy Greg man’s their RV and he feels like “Sandra Bullock in Speed!”  As the RV’s take the sharp turns, things are flying faster than insults at a Manzo family dinner.  Christopher is lecturing Jacs on everyone getting along, but she is the eternal optimist and thinks Teresa has been so nice so far.  They arrive at Pillar Point RV Park and Teresa starts bitching immediately because it is a parking lot and not the Four Seasons.  “That’s not camping, that’s homeless,” Albie adds.  Melissa coaxes Teresa out of the RV to meet the neighbors.  They ask a group of ladies what they do for fun and they say “drink moonshine” and Teresa goes on and on about Grappa and how much this place sucks.  Melissa is completely embarrassed.

Richie and Teresa discuss some old times when they used to hang out on Juicy Joe’s boat before it got repo’ed.  Richie leaves Kathy alone with Teresa and warns them to “get along”.  Teresa starts in on Kathy about the bakery book signing and how Kathy kept saying “my mom’s recipes”.  Kathy doesn’t even remember saying it and if she did, all she meant was that the recipes reminded her of things her mom used to make and how their mothers used to bake together.  Kathy is frustrated, back to square one.  She tells the camera that she wants Teresa to “back the eff off”, but she tells Teresa she is glad she brought it up and didn’t let it fester like the boils Juicy probably has on his asshole.  They continue to converse about all the tension, but Teresa is confident that everything will work out for the best.  Even if Kathy is a two-faced, recipe stealin’ hoo-ah.  Oh geez…who cares?  Teresa is an effing lunatic.

Joe wakes up and the RV is hotter than an Easy Bake Oven and he is pissed because he sweated off his spray tan.  The thermostat is set at 101 degrees and Juicy said he turned it up because he was freezing.  Luckily Joe is too tired to throttle him in the throat with his fist.

Melissa jumps into bed with Juicy and Teresa and they start checking out each other’s bubbies.  Teresa does another little moment with the camera in her hideous Johnny Weir and Bjork made a baby outfit and gripes about Melissa always grabbing her.

The gang is trying to prepare some breakfast, Albert wants some bacon and Joe, well he’ll have some eggs with a side of indecent exposure.  While Joe flashes Tarzan to the gang, Richie isn’t looking much better.  After he and Kathy attempt to have some sexy time, but realize they cannot, he is walking around in his boxers with a pixelated modesty patch.  How many times do we need to see these men and their junk?  My dreams would come true if they would just never show that again.

Kathy tries to make muffins in the microwave and they come out a hot mess.  Caroline admits she is having a good time, but she is staying away from Teresa.  Kathy tells Caroline and Jacs about the wonderful conversation she had with Teresa and promised them she won’t get in the middle of their respective dramas, but cautions them not to let one falling out ruin everything they have with Teresa.  What, everything they have with Teresa?  A pile of bull shit?  Have you been watching the show, Kathy?

Teresa invites Melissa for a walk on the beach with their blankies.  Melissa hopes for a bonding chat and Teresa immediately starts bashing Kathy, the recipe pilfering hoo-ah!  She tells Melissa her side of the story and throws Kathy under the RV with the greatest of ease.  Melissa’s understanding was that Teresa’s mother did get the recipes from Kathy’s mother, and then Teresa put them in the book.  Teresa is clearly looking for an ally here, but Melissa ain’t havin’ it.  Melissa tries to talk Teresa back to the planet and Teresa is on the defense and thinks Melissa is on Kathy’s side.  Melissa points out that maybe Teresa should sit back and take a look at herself, because she is having problems with everyone.  True dat.  Teresa is the common denominator.

Teresa starts her usual back-peddling, double-talking, bullshit, but Melissa thinks they are having a “breakthrough”.  I guess an unproductive conversation without yelling and feverish finger pointing is a breakthrough here.

What do you think, Caroline?

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