A Trowel for Your Troubles?

Teresa thinks she and Juicy are heading to a vineyard, but Juicy quickly corrects his wifey, “it’s a winery”, he growls.  Poor Teresa, she doesn’t know what a vineyard is, but she does know that she can’t wait to get a Bellini down her gullet and neither can Juice man, “they give you a nice buzz” he says.  Teresa is trying to formulate her own “Fabellini”, but she doesn’t like “anything that tastes diety, like Skinny Girl.”  Oh snap, it’s on.  Teresa, you may want to make a mental note of this:  Bethenney Frankel has chunks of bitches like you in her stool.  Teresa yammers on about branding herself and Juicy tells her she can do whatever the eff she wants.  She talks of making Teresa aprons and her own pasta, Juicy tries to muster up a shit and suggests “T” shaped pasta, and Teresa runs with it and says she could do pasta shapes in the letters of her whole name.  It is here she pronounces her own last name in two different ways, proving that even she doesn’t know how to say it.  Is it Jew-dee-chay or Joo-dick-chay?  We will never know.  As the happy couple approaches a toll booth, Teresa asks the Juice man for his wallet, but he says he “left it in a friend’s car”.  She persists on knowing who this “friend” was, but he evades her questions.  These two are as shady as f*ck.

Meanwhile at the Gorga compound, little Geno is punching Joe in the face.  Melissa is trying to discipline, but is interrupted by the doorbell.  Antonia opens the door without Melissa present and gets scolded.  The Gorga kids are running amuck today!  But there’s no Jehovah’s Witness stranger danger at the door here, it’s Corte Ellis from the Soul Diggaz!  They sit down over some wine and cheese to discuss pursuing a record label to further Melissa’s career.  Well Joe doesn’t need no stinkin’ label!  Corte tries to dissuade Joe from trying to take this on himself and Melissa knows it’s a dog eat dog world out there.  Yeah, and she’s wearing milk bone underwear.  Corte has played Melissa’s music for his friend Jason, who works for a major label, and he is excited about her music.  Joe is a bit huffy, he wants to make sure he gets the right price for Melissa.

Caroline and Lauren “go out for coffee” and they “happen” by the old salon, Chateau, and see that it is for rent.  We are taken down memory lane and we see some old footage of the ladies, back when Danielle Staub was beginning to create ratings chaos.  Lauren is thrilled at the possibility that she could snag the old Chateau space where she launched her one day career.  That will show them, [insert sinister laugh here].

Teresa and Juicy arrive at the “Brotherhood – America’s Oldest Winery”.  All Juicy can do is bitch about her driving and parking.  Jeezs this guy is like a basket full o’ fresh laundry and puppies, ain’t he?  He should shut his fat ass, the last time he parked a car, it was wrapped around a pine tree.  They meet with Cesar the Enologist.  Juicy calls him a neurologist and then he thinks he’s being funny and calls him a “no-knowledge-ist”.  Yeah Juice man, insult the guy that is trying to help your wife concoct her products and ultimately line your penniless pockets, you slug, you dog, you turd, you unsophisticated rube!  Teresa starts talking about how she has been researching inredientces (suck it, spell check!) and Colleen, the wine house director, corrects her “it’s ingredients”.  Juicy wants to go right to the champagne, no peach nectar for him.  Teresa is trying to do her thing and he keeps chiming in, just being obnoxious.  Juicy also reveals that he has made a promise to himself, he doesn’t drink during the week, but he starts on Thursday.  This is not a good sign for several reasons.  First of all Thursday is a week day, not a week end, unless you are in college.  Second, if you have to make a “promise to yourself” and practice “controlled drinking” where you only drink on certain days that end in “y”, well my good Juice man, you may have the beginnings of a real problem.  The winery peeps give him sad panda faces and Colleen tells them they have arranged a car for them to get home.  She must know the Joo-Duh-Chays very well.

Melissa is prepping for a photo shoot and they have her laying on her dining room table amid rose petals wearing a pink dress.  She writhes around like a half dead flounder and starts moaning and groaning to get her into the mood to deliver for the camera.  Joe reminds us that she doesn’t need a record label, he “owns Melissa”.  He proceeds to tell us “I told her to put on her porn star attitude because that’s what Jesus would do I love that men want my wife and they can’t have her, suckers!”  The photographer then wants to do some shots of her walking in another slutty getup, but Melissa can’t quite master walking and having her picture taken at the same time.

Teresa and Juicy arrive at a bakery for a book signing, Teresa touts that her signings have become “real high class affairs”.  Juicy sneaks into the back of the bakery where he is out of view, but still mic’d.  Some unknown man offers him a glass of wine or “a little Johnny Gold”.  Juice takes the wine and they chat, Juicy says coming to these things for his wife is a pain in the ass.  Again, about as supportive as a paper bag full of vomit.  Caroline gives her take to the camera, “Prediction, something is going to happen and someone is going to have to go somewhere”.  Well played Caroline, well played.  We can’t use the “J” word.  Teresa is going to have to pull herself up, divorce him, and show her daughters what it is like to be strong.  “There’s a book there somewhere, you heard it here first”, she says.

Juicy Joe is “Too Cool” for these book signings, even though they are high class affaris, in case you missed it:

Jacs and Lauren take a meeting with Bellappierre Cosmetics.  Apparently, Jacs is a licensed cosmetologist and has quite the head for bidness and a knack for making it look like Crayola gang banged her face.  They sit down, Lauren orders water and Jacs says “I could use a screaming orgasm”, really Jacs, really?  Lauren is trying to describe her Cafface concept and defers to “It’s like Sephora with services”.  Proving again that she hates the Cafface concept.  Jacs busts out more of her savvy bidness knowledge and asks the cosmetic reps “do you know about vajazzling?”  “Rhinestones on your Chuckie”, Lauren explains.  Jacs crazy pills kick in and she proceeds to spill some of her drink on herself and Lauren…and scene!

Meanwhile, back at the high class affair book signing, the Wakile’s show up to offer support.  Kathy invites Teresa to her dessert tasting at Gelotti’s and Teresa starts pointing out all the dessert recipes in her book and Kathy keeps saying “oh my mother’s cookies”, etc.  Of course, Teresa thinks it’s a “cheap, passive aggressive shot”.  Yet another taboo subject for Teresa, saying that anyone ever made the same dessert recipe in any Italian family, anywhere, EVER.  Oh copy-cat gate, you wily minx, we sense you are afoot.

Kathy is preparing for her dessert tasting in the parking lot at Gelati’s.  Rosie, Joseph, and Victoria are decorating an outdoor tent with flags and hand-made signs.  Richie tells Kathy that he hopes Teresa doesn’t come because she feels like Teresa is taking advantage of Kathy’s good nature and kicking her around.  Which is true, but nonetheless, Kathy insists that is “on Teresa” and Kathy must be true to Kathy.

There’s a bunch of kibitzing and tasting going on and Teresa shows up with her skanklette friend Linda, who is already stirring the shit pot.  She goads Teresa “are you going to say anything to her about stealing your recipes?”  But oh no, Teresa won’t do to Kathy what she has done to her…never.  Jacs explains that Linda is another one of Teresa’s soldiers.  Teresa quickly identifies all the ways in which Kathy has copied her right down to the names of the desserts and the signs that Joseph and Victoria made and of course takes a pot shot “my kids make signs like that for their lemonade stand”.  Burn Kathy, burn!

Giacamo from Bindi Desserts is present to meet Kathy and try the products.  They walk over to the side, in front of a cemetery, to talk about marketing her products.  Kathy gets inspired by the cemetery, “my desserts are to die for”, and she and Giacamo will hook up when she returns from Napa.  If she makes it back in one piece after RVing with Teresa, the mental threshing machine.

Teresa and Jacs finally come face to face and have an awkward exchange.  Caroline throws stank-eye from across the room, worried for Jacs.  I would like to see Jacs hold her own, but once again she tells us she is holding out hope for her and Teresa.

The next evening, Joe and Richie arrive at Chris L to the Aurita’s to have the pre-Napa meeting of the man mind.  Chris tells Joe that he will be RV-ing with Teresa and Juicy.  Joe gets a derpy look and thinks it super sucks.  He comments that we may see a meatball bouncing down the road out the back of the RV.  Whatever you gotta do, Joe.  Sometimes unfortunate accidents happen.

Juicy Joe is dropped off by his driver, Eugene.  Ever since he lost his license and then got busted for trying to obtain a fake ID, he has to be schlepped around like the Mucinex slug that he is.  He has an armful of his homemade wine, which I am sure he intends to suck down like a drunken hobo.  It must not be Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday.

While the men are caved, Teresa and Jacs are doing laundry in their respective homes.  Sidebar:  Jacs has a fabulicious laundry room, way better than Teresa’s.  In a funny scene, an “ironical” moment as Teresa might call it, little Audriana finds a single dollar bill in the laundry.  I could go so many directions with this.  Teresa tells her to put her money in her “bubbies”.  The Goo-Duh-Chi girls will not grow up to be strippers, said no one ever.

While Joe and Richie wait for Juicy to come down to the man cave, Joe acknowledges that Teresa only wants to be close to him because of the fight with Jacs.  Richie labels Jacs as the “sacrificial lamb”, which really hits the nail on the head, with a hammer.  (Tool-reference foreshadowing here).  Chris makes his plea to keep the trip peaceful and Juicy starts in immediately.  He attacks Jacs and essentially calls her stupid because she believes what she reads in magazines.  But isn’t this really the whole crux of what Jacs is pissed off about?  She wants the truth and for Teresa to confide in her about it rather than having to read all of this ass-f*ckery in the tabloids.  Chris maintains his composure and boils it down, they are all going to defend their own wives, but the men need to keep it together.  He tells the camera that he knows Juicy is a meathead and hasn’t heard a word that was said.  Chris is trying to explain to Juicy that he needs to get his head out of his home-made wine bottle and behave because he will be tooling around the windy roads of Napa in an RV with Joe and Melissa.  Juicy is too busy texting his “wallet friend” to even pay attention.  But wait, there’s another fly in the ointment, Juicy won’t be able to assist with the driving unless he can drive on “a Mickey Mouse license”, or only if it’s Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday.  Joe and Juicy start getting into it and it turns out their seed of discontent is equivalent to sprinkle cookies baked in a re-done home.  Allegedly, Juicy loaned Joe some tools and he never returned them.  Juicy feels the need to hammer home this point:  When he borrows something, he returns it.  Really Juice man, I think your creditors may beg to differ.  Juicy says “listen jerk off…” and then it quickly devolves into a pissing contest involving all the men.  Juicy tries to insult Richie by saying when they met he was “pumping gas” and Richie fires back “yea when you first met me, but you were flipping pizzas six months ago!”  Chris is holding his face in his hands, he is ultimately disappointed in Teresa and Juicy, but I don’t know what he expected.  Joe gets the line of the night when he says this to the Juice man…“you’re such a dick, whadda you want, a trowel?”  Lesson learned, never borrow a tool from a tool.


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