Ring My LaBelle

We’re back at Fred Astaire Studios where Melissa is rehearsing her choreography “ah five, six, seven, eight” calls out choreographer Cris Judd.  Melissa is standing still, while her dancers do their steps.  We know Cris told you there is power in the stillness, sweetie, but you are going to have to at least move with your dancers.  Melissa has a light bulb moment “That’s why it isn’t working, I wasn’t walking, and I wondered why I was having such a hard time getting up there!”  Cris tries not to throttle her in the throat with an open fist and reminds her that this is the last day of rehearsal.

Cut to G to the ia at her rehearsal studio. The girl clearly has a better grip on her dance moves, she garners a round of applause, and the instructor asks where she got her talent.  G to the ia says “my Aunt.”  Teresa’s head spins around three times, pops off, and rolls across the studio floor.

Kathy and Richie are on their way to meet Sal, an owner of a gelato shop in Jersey and the same place where Rosie had her first job.  Kathy wants him to see that she is more than “just a girl baking cookies” and possibly sell her desserts in his shop.  Richie gives her some annoying coaching during the car ride and tells her she needs to be like a tiger.  Kathy is already over Richie and she wants him to back the eff off.  They meet with Sal, and Richie starts in right away, speaking for her and not letting her do her thing.  She shoots him the side eye and he realizes his faux pas as he turns around and asks if anyone has a tampon because his wife cut his balls off.  We’ve got a bleeder.  Sal is wild about her desserts and Richie is excited too, as long as she doesn’t follow the Juicy Joe model of business.

The Boyz II Manzos are prepping for a fancy food show in Washington D.C.  Larger Chris Laurita has invested about $20,000 into a big fancy BLK water trade show booth for the big fancy food show.  Albie worries that they won’t have the fanciest booth, after all the year before there was a cave made out of cheese.  Caroline’s eyes light up immediately, she hopes the cheese cave will be there.  Albert is premiering the Brownstone Sauce, which appears to be their restaurant’s marinara in a jar.  Caroline is flummoxed, will she be at the BLK booth, the Brownstone Sauce booth, or the cheese cave….mmmm…it’s a no brainer, cheese cave hands down!  Albert’s booth looks like it was prepared at the local Office Max and it pales in comparison to the Boyz II Manzos BLK juggernaut.  Albert plans to spice it up by taking Caroline’s photo with a jar of the sauce.  He says Caroline represents the sauce like “old mother approved”.  Carolyn gives him the bull dog face and a photographer starts snapping unflattering photos.  Carolyn’s mug is a wee bit haggard to be on a pasta sauce jar, but hey…what do I know?

The Gorga’s are relaxing and enjoying their swimming pool and Melissa comes out in a red swimsuit.  Of course Joe starts up about Tarzan.  She is tired of hearing about his junk, but it is the secret to their successful marriage.  Joe is having a moment and he can’t move because he doesn’t want the kids to see how excited he and Tarzan are and we are then treated to a gratuitous crotch shot of Joe.  I.  Think.  I.  Just.  Threw.  Up.  In.  My.  Mouth.

Boyz II Manzos and Papa Laurita are in a giant van headed to their BLK event.  The boyz are in the back dicking around like 12-year olds, farting on one another.  Larger Chris is manning the van and is on a business call, he is also clearly annoyed.  He tells us that he took a hit on his apparel business and he is all in on the BLK water deal, failure is not an option.  Whew…it’s a good thing he hitched his wagon to the Boyz II Manzo’s star.  Sassy Greg decides they should play “Shag, Marry, Kill” and Christopher throws out Kim D., Kim G., or Kesha.  Albie answers “I would kill me!”  Haha, well played Albie, well played.  Chris introduces us to his tagalongs, his childhood friend, Gianluca and oy…another cousin named Joe.  Albie tells us that they have all put in money from their savings in order to get BLK water off the ground and so far they haven’t made a dime.  I would be lying if I said that this thing sounded promising, I personally would never drink black water, or anything black for that matter, it’s psychological.

The boys stop at a little pub to have lunch where they encounter the “Shame Burger Challenge”.  The Shame Burger consists of two double burgers, two fried eggs, two pieces of scrapple, two buns, and two pounds of fries.  Thank God our boy Gianluca asks the waitress to define scrapple.  Well my good man it’s not a board game where you make words with little lettered tiles, it’s pork parts, feet, balls and all, mixed with cornmeal.  Throwing up in my mouth is going to be a trend this episode.  Albie describes the scrapple is a mixture of all things horrible, but Christopher is excited for the challenge.  They have 45 minutes to eat the Shame Burger and the waitress reveals that there have only been ten people to successfully complete the challenge.  Chris and Sassy Greg are about five bites in and they both look like they’re going to blow chow.  The waitress rings the bell, and wouldn’t you know it…epic FAIL.  They barely ate half of the food.  Papa Laurita gives another lecture, they still have 2 ½ hours on the road and there will be no puking in the party van.  I can’t even imagine the residue puking scrapple and that fucking black water would leave.

Back at the Gorga’s, Joe is still trying to get a little quality time with Melissa on the night before her performance at Beatstock.  He climbs on her like a little howler monkey when all of the sudden cock blocker Antonia comes in and says she is scared.  That makes two of us!  Joe shows his disappointment and plays it off as if mommy and daddy were wrestling.  Poor Antonia, she will show up in Dr. Sweeney’s office in about 20 years.

Boyz II Manzos arrive in D.C. and they decide it would be a perfect idea to go to the Russia House and do 87 shots of vodka, EACH.  They start talking about Albie’s new girlfriend, Lindsey, and Albie confides to the camera that he doesn’t have time to be in a relationship right now, however he knows that if he passes her up, he will never find another like her.  That is what is known as bad timing, Albie.  He waxes on about how he will always do what is best for his family, so I guess if hawking dirty water is what is best, then damnit, that is what Albie will do.  Geez, the kid acts like he is faced with these insurmountable challenges like walking and chewing gum at the same time.

The waitress keeps bringing them buckets and buckets of vodka, and the boys are doing shot after shot after shot.  Christopher finally has a sort of puke-epiphany, where he realizes very calmly that he must go chunder up pure vodka.  Papa Laurita is a little frustrated because the boys are getting a little out of hand, yet he doesn’t appear to be doing anything to get them the hell out of the bar and it’s likely that he is footing the bill for this outing.

Meanwhile at Casa Bankruptcy, the Giudice girls are preparing to go to Beatstock and we learn that Teresa and Juicy actually have separate bedrooms.  Interesting…  Milania is being her usual terrorizing self and says she really doesn’t give an eff about G to the ia’s performance.  While Teresa gets her hair built into the shape of a rocket ship, the other girls are milling around and appear to be eating right out of a huge bowl of Italian ice.  I reckon that’s what happens when you leave your girls unattended  Teresa’s make-up artist tells them that Melissa is going to be performing as well and G to the ia takes the opportunity to give a slam by saying that Melissa is probably going to lip-sync and of course Teresa jumps all over it like flies on Juicy Joe’s ass crack.

Melissa and Joe have checked into the Fairfield Inn Marriott and Melissa and her entourage will be preparing for toe suck Beatstock by lotioning up her limbs.  Bravo has spared no expense for Lady Gorga, the Fairfield is high class, all the way.  It doesn’t matter, it’s Melissa and Joe’s seven year anniversary and he plans to get busy sucking on Melissa’s feet.  Eww…and…eww.  Melissa is too busy for the alone time that Tarzan craves, she must read the influx of text messages and well wishes, and damn it, she’s got to be lotioned up by others.

Back in D.C. the incredibly hung over Boyz II Manzo’s arrive at the “Fancy Food Show.”  They manage to drag in the cases of water and set up the display.  Papa Laurita whips out another lecture, they have got to be serious, no room for any bitchassiness of any kind.

The Giudices are in a limo they cannot afford on their way to Beatstock and G to the ia does a Melissa impression and wines “on display, on display, on display.”  Milania shouts “Melissa stinks” and Juicy Joe gives a hearty belly laugh.  They are well on their way to mending that relationship!

The Boyz II Manzo’s are handing out BLK water and a man tells them that he’s afraid of it and it looks looks like muddy water.  Boo, ouch!  Papa L to the aurita doesn’t understand, “people drink black things all the time, like coffee, coffee is black, and coffee is black water, right?”  Yea Papa Laurita, keep telling yourself that.  Sassy Greg comes running over to the booth with a look of anticipation, he tells Albie to grab water and come with him.  He has found his godmother, Patty Labelle.  Albie admits that he has no idea who Patty Labelle is, for shame you twit!  Greg is in awe and he admires her Louis Vuitton scarf.  He approaches slowly and introduces himself to Miss Patty.  She knows exactly who he is, “Greg from Jersey”, she exclaims.  It’s effing Patty LaBelle, pushing hot sauce.  Wait, that’s depressing.  Patty shows Sassy Greg her Louboutin’s and flashes her red bottoms, proving she doesn’t need to be pushing no stinking hot sauce.  Sassy Greg gives her the BLK water and Lady Marmalade pretends to enjoy the murky libation.  They are speaking each other’s language.  I feel like the honey badger should be narrating the scene.

The gang arrives at Beatstock and the Wakile’s show up to offer their support and so Richie has another reason to pop his collar.  Since Milania has been perfecting her stink eye since she was born, she has no trouble looking completely disinterested.  She is totally over her sister upstaging her, she gives the camera an eye roll and a yawn.  G to the ia does her hip hop number and she is actually pretty good.  She will be on the pole in no time.

Juicy Joe actually tears up, which is just bizarre because he never seems to give a flying rat’s ass about the girls.  But hey, this tub o’ shit is full of surprises, I never thought I would see him do the splits either.

Melissa does her Hail Mary’s and takes the stage.  She pulls it off and Teresa actually admits to the camera that Melissa did a good job and that she supports her.  Hmmmm, wonder when Teresa will go all Heckyl and Jyde on her ass.  Melissa is jabbing after the show with Cris Judd and she remarks that her and the dancers really did a great job and all their formations were perfect.  Richie and Kathy do the side step and let Melissa have her moment.  Teresa offers her congrats and then they start talking about the Napa trip.  Melissa seems to think that maybe the trip will bring Teresa and Jacs back together, but Teresa isn’t having any part of that.  In fact, in a rare moment of self-awareness, she realizes that it is going to be awkward going on vacation with someone who doesn’t want to be her friend anymore.  All Teresa knows is that she heard the “roads are windy!”  Yay, Teresa has moved on from basic shapes and colors.

On the other side of Joy-zey, Chris L to the aurita has decided to call a Real Househusbands summit of sorts.  He’s going to round up all the men prior to the road trip so that they can have a meeting of the mind (yes, I said mind), about keeping the women in check so the trip doesn’t turn into a total shit storm.  Haha!  Good luck wit dat!  $100 bucks says this meeting of the mind turns into a drunken, nut-grabbing, hot ass mess.

Papa Albert Manzo declares, “I’m not going!  It’s too much!”  He then asks, “what good would it be to engage Joe Giudice in a conversation about any topic?  That just makes me stupid.”  Yes, yes it would…you would be in a whirlwind of stupid just as your wife was last year.  Albert is smart, and he’s got the sauce to prove it.


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