Dance Dance Revolution

The Gorga’s are putting on an over the top 6th birthday party for Antonia.  All the preparations are in full swing, the bounce house is being inflated, the rusty hot dog cart is being rolled out, the cotton candy machine is being fired up, and Melissa is in hair and makeup.  Joe chuckles at Melissa’s description of the party as “nothing crazy” and notes that she is “high maintenance and too expensive”.  She scoffs, but seriously, hair and makeup for a kids birthday party?

The Giudice girls prepare to go to the party and they are making a card for Antonia in the kitchen.  Juicy has rolled out of bed long enough to grace the family with his Mucinex slug presence, shirtless.  He grumbles that he will not be going with them and Milania calls him mean and says “he never wants to see his kids”.  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  Teresa actually looks a bit stunned, but the Juice man cares naught.  There isn’t an air compressor strong enough to blow the shit out from between Juicy’s ears.

G to the ia tries to put Milania in check, but not before Milania calls him a “big poop” and cracks herself up.  She has a bit of an “ol’ troll” look in this scene, but nevertheless she steals it.

Lauren and Caroline are looking at a retail space since Lauren’s adventures at Chateau didn’t pan out.  All Caroline sees is dollar signs dancing out the window and Lauren thinks Caroline is all “bulldog”.  Lauren is also not happy with the name for the store, “Cafface”.  It makes her grunt.  Lauren ANGRY.  I don’t think it’s too great either, a café for your face?  It reminds me of that cracked out nut job down in Florida who ate the face.  Blech…I digress.  Caroline reiterates her vision, the makeup services will be listed on a menu, appetizers, main courses, desserts.  There will be couches, chairs, cookies, cakes, ice teas, sodas, etc.  Lauren still doesn’t like the vision, but she is too grumpy to fight it and the thought of cookies being available soothes her.  Besides, Caroline owns 100% 51% of the business and intends to crush every one of Lauren’s ideas with it.

Three hours later, the Gorgas are still prepping for the party and Melissa is still in hair and makeup.  Melissa’s mother and two aunts arrive, Joe says they look like twins, and they correct him, “uhh…that would be triplets”.  Awww, Joey can’t count.  However, he sure can re-count his “horrible experience” with therapy.  He doesn’t like the fact that he has to think about how he is going to behave before he sees Teresa.  He is still stuck on the idea that it should just work.  Melissa’s mother pulls a Dr. Phil on him and says “how’s that workin’ for ya’?”  Well played mother in law…well played.

The birthday party has started and Melissa is desperately searching for Antonia to come out of the bouncy caterpillar thingy and greet her guests.  Antonia pokes her curly haired head out of the crack of the caterpillar thingy and well, let’s put it this way, it looked like Antonia was not turning 6, but just being born out of a blue vagina.

Teresa and the girls arrive bearing loads of presents.  Teresa admires the cake and rehashes the therapy experience with Melissa, which Teresa calls a “waste of time”.  They touch on the Sunday dinner idea, and Melissa throws out the invite, even though she still thinks Teresa is full of shit.  Teresa says she will bring dessert and asks what Melissa likes, we see this coming a mile away, “I like sprinkle cookies”.  She doesn’t say it in a mean way, just joking, but something tells me this will go in the Teresa Smithsonian Vault of Table Flipping Insults.

The Wakile’s arrive and Richie wastes no time.  He is hon-gray and wants to know where the damn BBQ is.  Joe gets a temporary tattoo and Teresa goes into the caterpillar thing with her girls.  Rosie and Kathy chat about their girls night out with Melissa and she is bummed she didn’t get an invite.  Rosie talks about how cranked up they were, but she met a nice girl, who she still cannot remember the name of.

Teresa and Joe are discussing the Napa trip and Joe asks what’s going on with Jacs.  Teresa gives the ol’ eye roll and tries to explain to him, but can’t get to the point.  Because she has no point.  Meanwhile, Jacs is approaching right behind them.  They exchange a half-assed hello and Melissa whisks her away to get a drink.

G to the ia is giving Jacs a hug and Jacs notes how she is “growing”.  Uggh, now we are back to the bra talk.  Teresa announces that G to the ia has been saying “her left one really hurts”.  Jacs is like “oh yah” and Teresa walks away.  It’s not just awkward because these two are on the outs, but does everyone in America need to know that G to the ia’s left boob is a-bloomin’?

Jacs is still longing for the old Teresa.  Give it up Jacs, move on with your life.  She needs Juicy Joe’s Joy Behar advice “so what, who cares.”  Jacs tells Kathy her struggles and don’t Kathy know…she’s been there.  Kathy compares her relationship with Teresa to walking through a minefield… “You don’t know where the hidden words are, then boom…you’re done”.  Kathy is optimistic that the RV trip will give them opportunity to work it out.  Now that’s just cockeyed optimism.  I hope they don’t get a re-done RV, I hope Teresa doesn’t detach from the group, I hope nobody leaves the RV unattended!

The party has ended, and the next day one of the Soul Diggaz arrives at Melissa’s to discuss doing a performance at Beat Stock.  Melissa is worried about getting booed of the stage, but no worries, Soul Diggaz has people that will help her pull it off.  Meaning he can stock the audience with enough people he knows to cheer for her.

Over in Hoboken, Albie and Chris’ sassy roommate Greg is preparing some breakfast.  Chris demands he make tater tots, but Greg is more interested in finding out who the girl visiting “Prince Albert” was.  We see said girl, “Lindsey”, sneak out the front door with a white garbage bag.  Albie explains that Linsey was sick and needed a place to sleep for awhile.  Greg calls him Clara Barton out on the battlefield, rescuing sick women.  Albie is planning to introduce Lindsey to the Manzo women later that evening and he is nervous enough without Greg’s stupid jokes that he doesn’t get.  What I want to know is what Lindsey had in that garbage bag.  I can only conclude that a) she really was sick and was throwing up in the bag, b) that is her overnight bag because she can’t afford a Louis Vuitton rollie yet, or c) Albie asked her to take out the garbage on her way out.

Meanwhile, G to the ia is auditioning for an episode of “Dance Moms”.  Oh wait, no she is auditioning for the same show as Melissa, Beat Stock.  So now this can turn into another one of those nasty competitions between Teresa and Melissa and copycat-gate can rear it’s ugly head, again.  G to the ia is dressed in an outfit from Baby prostitute gap and Teresa cheers her on from the sidelines “I love your booty!”  G to the ia will not grow up to be a little hussy.  Said no one ever… G to the ia bungles up a lift by freaking out and screaming.  She finally nails it and makes the cut.  Teresa picks her up to hug her and G to the ia is so embarrassed, she shoves Teresa out of the screen shot.

Melissa is meeting with JHO’s ex, Cris Judd to perfect her choreography so she doesn’t put on a shitshow and get booed off the stage.  He asks Melissa to move naturally and he can immediately tell that she is not confident.  He tries to teach her to move like Michael Jackson, really?  Really?  We watch scenes cut between G to the ia and Melissa rehearsing.  Clearly Melissa has a long way to go.  She really cannot dance at all.  Or sing for that matter…

Kathy is preparing dinner for her family and Rosie is on her way over with the new lady-friend, Brianne.  Richie asks what her name is…“Bree-Ann”, he says.  That’s it Richie, sound it out.  He gushes over Brianne and how hot she is.  Brianne impresses everyone.  She wanted to do pediatric cardiac surgery, but she is too emotional, so she decided to run a restaurant.  Richie says they all want Rosie to be happy, “weather it’s a friend, emotional, or just some muff divin’.”  He wishes them “buona fortuna” and they cheer to friends and family.

Lauren and Jacs are taking Greg out for his birthday, but they have a bit of a surprise for him.  Lauren is also anxious to meet Lindsey, but she has her whore-dar up and ready.  Chris and Albie are at “Boxers”, which is a gay bar.  Caroline arrives as Chris gives Lindsey some bad advice, “don’t look her in the eye, and call her mom”.

Melissa and Joe’s alter ego, Joeboken, arrive at the gay bar.  Joe starts acting crazy, caressing Chris Laurita’s leg and grabbing his nuts.  Greg arrives and is truly surprised to see the whole gang.  Lauren, Chris, and sassy Greg get a drink and discuss Lauren’s business venture.  Chris gives her some advice and how to deal with Caroline, similar to the way they work with Chris Laurita.  Back in the mosh pit, Melissa gives Lindsey some tips on a successful marriage while Albie yaks it up with Joeboken.  Caroline is concerned that Albie’s priorities are out of whack and he needs to be focusing on his career and making money by selling that disgusting, overpriced black water of his.

The gang gets sassy Greg to do a body shot off of Joeboken while some other gal at the party tells Lindsey she can’t picture her having any rhythm.  What an odd thing to say.  Lauren wants to see Lindsey dance since she is a professional cheerleader.  Melissa has the DJ play the remix of “On Display”, and the gang dubs this as her “Gaybut”.  I cannot help but wonder why nobody has told Melissa that she has toilet paper stuck to her stripper shoes.  Melissa pulls Lindsey up on the stage, but leave it to Joeboken to steal the show.  He jumps up and rips his shirt open and we hear Melissa in voice-over “there’s no chance that Joe is gay, I know he’s not gay, I mean, right?”  It’s obviously sound bites of her talking about something else entirely clipped together to make it sound like she would question Joe’s sexual preference.  We all know he is on the down low.

Our resident Bulldog Caroline doesn’t have high hopes for Lindsey.  She thinks Albie will not make her a priority and she says he is “not capable of having a career and a relationship”.  Wow, Caroline is so confident in her children.  Sassy Greg blows out his candles and then Lauren decides since she can’t eat the cake, she will throw it in her brother Chris’ face.


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