Analyze This

We return to Jersey where Juicy is teaching his three young daughters how to apply stucco.  Teresa is thrilled, “why spend the money when we can stucco it!”  That’s right, put those little hands and fingers to work.  Child labor is, after all, why you had so many children.  G to the ia criticizes Milania’s stucco skills right away and Milania chucks some stucco at her, and Juicy fires Milania off the job.  She goes stomping off, hoping to get paid for the day so she can pick up some beer, cigs, and enough possum jerky to get her through the night.  Teresa starts yammering about the construction project and she has no idea where Jacs got the idea there would be an apartment above the new garage.  Teresa doesn’t get why Jacs wants to know her bidness and Teresa would never pry into Jacs’ bidness, even when Jacs told her that one of Chris’ businesses was going through bankruptcy.  She’s such a good friend that way.  Instead, she will tell all of you on camera, America.  Juicy keeps giving his best Joy Behar impression…“move on, who cares”, but it still haunts Teresa.  However, she must shake it off and prepare for her impending therapy sesh with Joe, she tells us if therapy doesn’t work she “wants a refund”.

Juicy is drawing vajayjays in the wet stucco and chuckling like an 8 year old.  Rosie rolls up to lay down some stucco of her own.  Rosie is hungover, and goddamnit, she is pissed.  She is sick of hearing all this shit in the tabloids and wants Teresa to come out with some retraction to clear Kathy’s name.  Teresa tells her “I don’t have a computer in my head, I don’t store things in my brain”, well 1)  your brain is a computer, but apparently Teresa’s motherboard is fried, and 2)  this is your best line of defense?  Rosie hangs on her every word because she is a good listener and then in classic Teresa form, she flips da’ script and searches back in her computer brain and finds some microfiche that proves Kathy has done some tabloid bashing of her own.  Then they take a trip down memory lane and talk about old times.  Rosie felt that she didn’t fit in growing up and Teresa tells the camera that Kathy hated the fact that Rosie was gay and purposely left her out of things.  It makes Teresa sick to her stomach.  Bitch please!   Teresa reels her in to her “woe is me” story surrounding the feud with Jacs and Caroline.  She cried for two days, betrayed, friends come and go, family is most important thing…Rosie is too tired to fight, she just wants it to stop on all sides.

At the Wakiles, they laugh with Joe and Melissa about the events from the “On Display” Gorga/Giudice love-fest.  Joe informs them that he and Teresa will be going to thereapy however he is “an angel from God” and doesn’t need therapy.  Rosie returns from her adventures at the pond with no Koi and suspects that Teresa is only finding her way back to the family now that her old family, Jacs and Caroline have ostracized her.  Ding ding ding…we have a winner, tell her what she’s won.  Joe feels that Teresa doesn’t understand loyalty and he hopes that the therapy will show her the way.

Back at the Laurita’s, they are preparing for dinner with the Manzo clan.  Chris brings up the road trip to Napa and Jacs is inquiring how this is all going to shake down now that Teresa is on the outs.  The Manzo’s laugh at her and she realizes that the invitation is out there so they can’t take it back.  Christopher (of Boyz II Manzos) makes an interesting observation, “Teresa doesn’t even need to be here to f*ck my whole night up.”  Chris Laurita throws on his rose colored glasses, looks into his half-full wine glass, and he is optimistic that the trip to Napa will be a good time.

Kathy’s mother is preparing a traditional Sunday dinner.  They sit down to dig into dinner and Richie starts digging into Rosie’s love life.  Kathy expresses interest in going to a gay bar with Rosie, she has never been, but apparently Richie has and he said it “was the best music ever”.  Little Joseph lights up “It’s like a utopia!”  Joseph has all the makings of a “Bro Ho” in training.

At the Laurita’s, the talk turns to Albie’s new girlfriend, Lindsey, who we first saw a photo of on his iPhone wearing her Hooters uniform.  Lauren is a little weary because as soon as she gets to know her, Albie will be sick of her.  She is actually opposite of Teresa, she get’s very close to her brother’s girlfriends and becomes friends with them.  Then they break up and Lauren is crushed.  Aww…poor Lauren, she just can’t catch a break.  Chris asks Jacs how A$$lee is doing and Jacs tells her about a skull tattoo A$$ got on her hand to remind her of some bar?  Caroline thinks that A$$ is making all these cosmetic changes, the hair, the lip injections, etc., so that she will not look like Jacs.  Yes, better to look like you sewed your ass to your face.

Back at Mama Pierri’s, the gang starts talking about family fighting and Mama P. talks about how she really had no family to fight with.  She was shipped off to live with her aunt at a very young age and never really knew her parents or siblings.  She gets emotional telling the story because she would never give up any of her children, no matter what.  Rosie goes into the ugly cry and then they discuss holding grudges and how you have to let them go, because it only hurts you.  Thank you Mama P., not only for the visually appealing dinner you put on the table, but also for a hearty helping of perspective.

Teresa tells G to the ia and Milania that she is going to meet Joe for lunch.  Milania makes a “fresh” comment “who cares about Zio Joe?” and Teresa threatens punishment of sending her to her room for a whole hour.  But the ever savvy Milania plays her like a used fiddle and says “that means you hate me”, and immediately Teresa backs down.  Way to flip da’ script kid, where did you learn that?  Little Milania is a master manipulator in the making.  G to the ia looks doubtful and musters up a “no drama, ri’ight?”

Jacs and her father sit down to have a beer and discuss all a$$-f*ckery that is A$$lee.  Jacs compares her to Lindsey Lohan and he agrees that the whole thing is exhausting.  At least Lindsey Lohan has an income and a future in porn, which is sad and pathetic.  Jacs goes on to confide in him about the Teresa fallout and he asks her “why do you care?”  Which is the same question I have, he explains to her that not everybody is the same kind of friend that Jacs is.  It’s a one sided friendship and Jacs cares too much.  Jacs finally realizes that she and Teresa are broken up, she needs to stop calling and hanging up on her and driving by her house.

Joe runs up the stairs at West 70 Psychology to meet crazy pants for the therapy sesh.  In the waiting room, they have a very icky, soily conversation.

“Ohhh…You smell good…”

“You’re wearing red, that’s a sexy color.”

Eww.  Just.  Eww.

Michael Sweeney is the family therapist and he will have a convo with each of them alone and then the three will hash it out.  He starts with Teresa and she immediately notices the sound proof door and she is ready to blast Joe the “Angel from God” back to the heavens.  Teresa doesn’t think she has done any thing wrong, Joe can’t get past things, he never calls me anymore since he got married, Melissa the whoo-ahh, blah blah blah.  She tells Sweeney that she is not a grudge holder [insert needle being yanked off the record sound effect here].  Sweeney listens to her and gives half-nods and half-listening responses, but he kinda sums her up by saying she starts out with a chip on her shoulder.  She is fun when she is in a good mood, but when she’s mad, she’s a table flippin’, prostitution whoo-ahh nightmare.  He tells her to walk away in a pleasant “going to the ladies room” way and to “stop throwing water on the whole damn thing.”  That’s it Tre, the solution to all your problems, when a fight erupts, glide to the ladies room and apply lip gloss heavily.

Cut to Rosie, Kathy, and Heather getting their swerve on at the gay bar called the “Cubby Hole”.  They brought Heather along to get everyone’s attention and Heather is clearly more comfortable than Kathy.  Kathy thinks she is going to be Rosie’s wing woman, but as Rosie says “the pickins are slim”.  Rosie finds a nice blonde named Brianna, but they had way too many shots right out of the gate because Rosie can’t remember the girls name right after she said it.  Kathy is pretty loose and sloppy herself, but not too far gone to remember rule #1… “Remember the bitches name!”

Joe goes in for his one on one with Sweeney and Joe gets into the nitty gritty about how Teresa became competitive and has attacked Melissa.  How can this be, Joe has accepted the hillbilly butt nugget that his sister married, why can’t Tre accept Melissa?  Joe sincerely wants to know if he is wrong and wants to get things back to normal.  Sweeney brings Teresa back in and tells them they have both aired the same issues, but ultimately they want the same things and this should be an easy fix.  Yeah Sweeney, like shooting fish in a barrel of vodka.  He tells them that old grievances are getting them revved up and now is not the time.  Let go of sprinkle cookies, detached, re-done home the past.  They need an occasion for their families to bond and they should start up the Sunday dinners again, but not without some serious meditation beforehand.  They both must focus on what behaviors they will correct when seeing one another so that they don’t have a chip on their shoulder going in.  Joe thinks it sucks that it has to be so much work.  Teresa brings up the Napa trip and sharing an RV together, but Sweeney recommends that they do not share an RV.  Drinking all day + close quarters = recipe for disaster.  Teresa insists they do share an RV in order to prove Sweeney wrong.  Tre, I think this voids any therapy warranty you may have had.  Joe says he will tie her to the bumper if she acts up.  Sweeney pretends not to hear that, he will wait to see it on Nancy Grace.  He is done with the sesh and sends them on their way.  He gives me the impression that he would rather be sorting out family issues with the Joe Jackson clan than deal with these two buffoons!  He immediately whips out his cell phone, he must be dialing his agent to request he be removed from this gig…STAT.

Joe and Teresa chatter a bit in the lobby and Joe decides the best way to let go of the past is to start a new fight.  He asks her about a recent tabloid that stated that Joe sold their parents house out from under them and they are homeless.  Teresa claims possibly Jacs sold this story, and we cut to Teresa talking to the camera and Oh.  My.  God.  What.  The.  Crap.  There are no words other than Elvira and Johnny Weir had a crack baby:

Joe doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and they leave.  Two steps outside the door they start fighting again.  We see a shot of the outside of the building and just some dialogue between them, so we are not sure if this conversation really took place there or if Tre and Joe thought they were off camera, but forgot they were mic’ed.  At any rate, Joe yells at her “don’t lie now, you wanna move ‘em into that f*cking shack you built, he don’t wanna live there!”  Teresa responds by telling him to buy them a house because he is doing well and she can’t afford it.  Joe must have taken notes from Caroline, because he then attacks her about her expensive purse.  Looks like the therapy sesh was a wash, maybe Mom and Pops can live in Teresa’s purse.


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