The Guidice home is under construction and Teresa describes it as a junkyard, and it is, complete with those junkyard dogs lurking behind the chain link fence. She thinks Juicy looks “damn sexy” while he remodels the home in his wife beater and shorts. Just as her voice over says “damn sexy”, we see the Juice man rip a chunky mucinex sneeze. Mmmmm…damn sexy. She explains all the creepy tents in the back yard and apparently, that is where Juicy stores all his tools, backhoes (I could go so many directions with that), jugs of Carlo Rossi, and homemade cigars. So does this mean that Teresa will have a re-done home? I hope so, then all of these bitches will finally be even. Teresa also explains that just because “you do bankruptcy doesn’t mean you have to crawl and die in a hole”. Well, actually in her case, I wish she would. Teresa and her girls marvel at the frogs that are in the holes that Juicy dug and leave it to him to put a damper on it by saying they are going to be dead and covered with concrete. I guess they are going to die in a hole. Does that mean the frogs filed for bankruptcy? Sheesh…I have been watching this show too long, I am starting to think like Teresa.
Across town, Joe is meeting with his architect and he finds out that he is also assisting Teresa and Juicy with a project to add a carport and he says “yea, just like your house has”. Who’s copy-catting now??? He also tells Joe they are adding a garage with an apartment above it and they plan to put their parents in there. Joe scoffs at the thought, he has been renting a home for his parents and he is looking for a small home for them that doesn’t have steps. But he says it will be perfect because the parents are there so much and they are practically like nannies. SLAM!
Caroline and Lauren stop for a bite to eat and Lauren orders a fruit cup and Caroline looks at her like she ordered a hot fudge bacon sundae. Lauren decides that she is going to try and eat healthy for the summer and take the Perricone diet “day by day”. Let’s face it she is not going to be able to live on liquid egg whites, so the diet was really bunk to begin with. Caroline tells the camera that Lauren is a food addict and will likely fail, but she doesn’t want Lauren to know she has no faith in her. So, just tell all of America on camera instead. I swear these people forget they are being filmed. They discuss how Lauren sticks out from the rest of her family now that everyone else is thin. Albert tells us that when all else fails, “daddy will get you the lap band”. It’s already confirmed that Lauren has taken him up on that offer and she has sold out to what she once termed as “the easy way out”. Caroline delivers some lip service and tries to tell her “be happy, be healthy, be yourself”. She then proceeds to call her “chunk-a-munk”. Uggh Mama Manzo, kick a girl while she’s down, won’t you?
Jacs is skyping with Matt, A$$lee’s father, to get an update and she is back to her ol’ self, she is “up all night and sleeping all day”. Jacs can’t handle it so she runs to grab a mega size bottle of Bailey’s and adds some to her coffee. Matt has had it and told A$$lee to “get the f*ck out”. Chris is just standing there staring at poor Jacs as she woefully swigs down her spiked coffee and he feels bad because he knows Jacs is hurting. The reality of her only daughter becoming a stripper at a car wash is becoming more and more real.
The Boyz II Manzos, their sassy roommate Greg, and Lauren are hanging out at their apartment on a rainy day. Nothing else to do but order everything on the menu from a local pizza joint. The boyz pig out on a pizza and sandwiches only a mastodon could eat. Lauren has a salad with a little greezy meat and cheese, even though she shouldn’t eat the meat and cheese, she goes for it. Chris says she needs “Italian Rehab”. As they stuff their faces, they wonder how Mama Manzo is doing and are worried because she hasn’t tweeted yet. They call her to see if she is alive, and when she answers, they hang up on her. Oh those little scallywags!
Jacs and Chris discuss yet another article in a tabloid about Teresa. She allegedly withheld assets during her bankruptcy filing, translation = it could be greybar hotel for the Guidices. Flash to Teresa and Juicy talking to their lawyer, Juicy’s bankruptcy is moving toward a conclusion, but Teresa’s matter is not because her offer was rejected. She waxes philosophical about how God is testing her and it’s making her stronger and showing her who the true friends are. Will she still have this positive outlook when she realizes there are no tanning beds in the hoosegow?
Jacs is #1 on Teresa’s list of true friends, but little does she know that Jacs has planned to put her on full blown bullshit blast regarding the tabloid articles. Chris tells us that he had planned to buy all of the Giudice’s furniture in the auction and give it all back to them. So here are the Laurita’s ready to help their “friends” and Teresa won’t even be straight with Jacs about what is really going on. She has to read it at the checkout stand while she buys her giant bottles of Bailey’s.
Melissa is hanging out with her sisters hula hooping in the driveway. We get it Melissa, you have a fabulous body, do you really need to shove it in our faces every chance you get? Kathy shows up for a visit and they discuss the latest magazine article. Kathy pours out her emotions while Melissa powders her nose and tells her to talk to Teresa about it. Melissa really gives zero f*cks about it and knows none of it is true, everything is rainbows and lollipops, and Teresa is just doing the articles to make money.
Teresa arrives at Jacs and immediately starts over complimenting her, translation = Teresa knows she is in hot shit. Jacs has a hard time starting the convo with Tre about the articles and is already tearing up. Jacs is upset that Teresa doesn’t confide in her and she has to read this crap in a magazine. Teresa offers her the attorney’s phone number if she wants to speak to him. NICE. She laughs off the possibility of going to the clink and says she would flee to another country if that were the case. Teresa maintains her innocence and then denies that she is getting paid for the magazine articles. Chris tells us that Teresa calls Jacs every day at 8:00 a.m., like clockwork, and it’s all about Teresa and she never bothers to ask Jacs how she is doing. It’s very clear that any “friendship” involving Teresa goes one way.
Teresa thinks Jacs is psycho, she acts sad and then she attacks, she is like “Heckyl and Jyde”. Yes, she actually said that. I’ll give you a moment to re-hinge your jaw. Go ahead…I’ll wait.
Jacs calls her out about twatting Danielle Staub the night before, something about loyalty, and then we see twats from Danielle accusing Melissa of contacting her constantly and Teresa explains that was two years ago. Teresa denies any wrongdoing in the Twatgate and tells Jacs that Danielle twatted her first, wah wah wah. Teresa goes off about how Melissa was “maliciously” attacking her.
Jacs finally unleashes, Teresa claims she wants things to be better with Melissa and Joe and move forward and not rehash the past, but she will continue to rehash the past when it benefits her. She calls Teresa a hypocrite and points out how maybe Melissa was trying to hurt her two years ago, but Teresa is doing that now because she is hanging on to the past. Teresa explodes and says they are FREAKIN’ JEALOUS of her and says “are you kidding me” about 18 times.
Caroline sidles around the corner like a freakin’ ninja and says “why are you screaming?” Teresa makes a face like she knows the jig is up, Caroline gives her the death stare and it turns into a tele-novella. Teresa says “whatever, I feel ambushed”. Caroline revs up the motor once again and tells Teresa that they heard it straight from her that she is selling the stories and has a contract to put out the articles. Teresa denies, Caroline flies into a rage, there is more crazy finger pointing and arms circling in the air.
Jacs hides under the magazine, and Teresa keeps backpeddling. Jacs takes a new tactic and tries to put on a little puppet show, Housewives Theater of sorts. Jacs will be playing the role of Teresa. She demonstrates how it should have been handled with Caroline.
Teresa doesn’t know what more she can do and thinks her apologies were sufficient. Caroline lays into her again and now they go back to the whole Fabuliciouscookbookgate. Caroline calls Teresa a liar and tells her she is crazy. Caroline admits she does enjoy blindsiding Teresa and catching her in the lies. Teresa accuses Caroline of turning on her just like she did to her sister, Dina. They really need to just cut off all contact with Teresa, this chick is so full of shit, she is morally bankrupt, and I don’t want to look at her Herman Muenster forehead anymore.
Caroline says she will be cordial and Jacs is going to distance herself. Teresa feels like she is going through a “friendship divorce” and thought she and Jacs would grow old together, drink wine out of a box, and bedazzle each other’s walkers. Teresa gets up to leave, but asks Jacs for kisses, once again proving she is full blown batshit crazy. They just had a huge blow out and she wants kisses? Jacs begrudgingly obliges and air kisses Teresa on the cheek, and in a blink of a false eyelash, Caroline sees Teresa’s Louis Vuitton and slides in her final jab, “nice bag”. Next week it looks like we can prepare for more caterwauling…