The clan is still enjoying their stay in Chicago at the Hotel Sax. Chris and Jacqueline are getting ready for the wedding and ponder over a cover of “In Touch” Magazine featuring Teresa with a dog. The headline reads “I’m Terrified of Being Poor!” No, Teresa is terrified of dogs, so we thought after last week. The article talks about the “friends that are bullying them about being poor”. No, Teresa, your “friends” are bullying you because you’re stupid and you’re on the cover of a rag with a dog that isn’t even yours! They aren’t even bullying her and that word is being over used, just like the DAWG over on Idol over uses “wheelhouse”.
Meanwhile, in the Manzo hotel room, sassy Greg is scrounging for toothpaste and Lauren orders up Bellini’s, a fruit platter, and coffee. Caroline stares at her as she racks up the room service bill. Sassy Greg can’t bring himself to borrow Caroline’s “disgusting” toothpaste so he saunters down to the hotel store in his bathrobe, which is not cute. While there, he conveniently picks up the “In Touch” magazine. Caroline, Kathy, Melissa, and Kim G. are featured in the article with the headline “THEY CAN’T STOP PUBLICLY INSULTING HER”. Well, who can’t really? Teresa is an easy mark. Caroline doesn’t notice the prop dog on the cover, we go right from the furry to the fury and Caroline feels the article is a slap in the face.
Juicy could live in a cardboard box as long as he has his home-made wine and cigars, Teresa is the one trying to keep up appearances. Caroline sums it up by saying Teresa is a coward, she “hits and runs when there is an audience” making herself look like the victim and everyone else is a loose asshole. Caroline, Sassy Greg, and Lauren toast with their Bellini’s to taking the high road.
In a rather gross scene, Teresa is trying to get frisky with the Juice man. She inquires about a bottle of KY lubricant he has on the nightstand. He explains that he wanted to know what it felt like (EWWW) and sometimes he just has to go to the bathroom and take care of business. We learned this lesson last season, see my post, “Rub One Out”. She shrieks and starts jumping on him, but he doesn’t want to get up. He yammers on about the wedding not being real, but he’ll go hang out with the gays ‘cuz they know how to do it up. He comments about Teresa’s breath smelling like “last night’s hot dogs” and she says something about Juicy’s hot dog… And. I. Just. Threw. Up. In. My. Mouth.
Jacs is expecting Teresa up to her room and they will get ready together. She strategically places the “In Touch” magazine on the coffee table and she plans to ask Teresa about the dog, but she isn’t going to discuss anything further for fear of a bad reaction. Teresa arrives and lays on the doorbell about 18 times. Teresa tells Jacs to put her hair in a low pony tail because the hat will need to go on top of her head. Damn, she is brilliant. She then she proceeds to tell Jacs that she reminds her of the princess, “Kate Hudson”. Teresa is why other countries hate the United States, I swear. Jacs asks if she got a puppy and refers to the magazine and Teresa explains the dogs were from “In Touch” and she has no say so on what is written. Jacs decides to walk the plank and confront her about the bullying comments, but Teresa does a side-step, a shuffle, and the hustle and says “they ask questions, I answer.” Teresa tells the camera that the ladies don’t know how it works with these magazines because they don’t get asked to do covers. Oooh…burn…Sorry Tre, but if broke and desperate were attractive, they would be Calvin Klein fragrances. Teresa tells Jacs there will be another cover coming out and in order to put the divorce rumors to rest, they will be renewing their vows. Maybe “Out of Touch” Magazine will cover that hot ass mess of a story. Juicy comes to the door and rings the bell incessantly just like Teresa did, Chris answers the door and says “your family has issues with tables and doorbells.” Haha, well played Chris, well played.
The gang is on their way to the wedding on the party bus and the men are already hitting the wine. Chris comes up with a fun party game and requires everyone to speak in a British accent. Lauren tells Juicy “why don’t you go f*ck yourself” in the accent and it’s downright hilarious.
Teresa attempts the accent, but she can’t do it, because she’s a damn buffoon. Teresa makes a comment about Melissa’s shore house being done now and Jacs chimes in with “so now she has a re-done home?” Aaaaannnnddd…Jacs is BACK…way to wield the passive aggressiveness with a dig that takes us down memory lane!
Back at the Jersey Shore, Melissa is showing off the re-done home. She is chatting it up with her 80 year old neighbor in her re-done fringed bikini and re-done boobs. She warns him about the impending rowdy party that is about to commence and allows him to motorboat her in order to dissuade him from calling the cops later. Hey…is that “Ham Linky” I see in the background?
Kathy and Melissa’s sister, Lysa, arrive and they pour a gallon of Malibu Rum into the blender, then Joe arrives with a copy of the “In Touch” magazine! What are the odds? Melissa knows Teresa is just doing it for the money and Kathy struggles with who the real Teresa is. Well, let me just clear that up for ya’, SHE IS A GOD DAMNED PSYCHOPATH!
Meanwhile, back on the party bus…Juicy tells Teresa that her “nipples are about to hang”, and then everyone notices. She is pissed that he said it so loud and then he calls her a “whore”. These two are such a lovable pair. Chris tries to break the tension and he makes an announcement about expanding his BLK beverage company. They will be representing a wine company and he wants everyone to take a trip to Napa. Jacs is confused as to why Chris would announce this and invite everyone on a trip. And quite frankly, I think she would rather co-star in a Tijuana Donkey Show than take a trip with the Giudices. Teresa keeps trying to chat it up with Caroline and she is ready to choke her out, “you and your hat shut up!” she quips.
They disembark the party bus and the ladies have a hard time navigating the turf in their stilettos. The happy couple rides in on a horse drawn carriage complete with Disney princesses.
The ceremony begins and it is so ungodly hot, their assholes are sweating like they are being paid to. They share some very heartfelt vows and cry like babies. The dogs keep barking on cue as if they are part of the ceremony, which is kind of cute. Now those are REAL dogs, not some makeshift “In Touch” prop dogs. Caroline saunters up to deliver her speech, which is short and very sweet. Something about moving mountains, moving minds, making a mountain out of a Mojito…The happy couple wraps up the ceremony by opening a box of butterflies to release them into the air. Cue the rainbows and prop unicorns!
The party is in full swing back at the Jersey shore and Joe makes an announcement about Melissa’s new song “Auto tune Stars” “Rock Stars”. They play it and everyone starts dancing and jumping around. Richie takes the opportunity to pull Joe aside and ask him about Teresa, but Joe hasn’t heard a word from her. Richie convinces Joe to text Teresa again in front of him so that he can be a witness. Good thinkin’ Richie, it’s always a good idea to text someone you are having a heated feud with right after you have thrown three red solo cups of vodka down your throat. He suggests that Joe term it nicely and refer to “mediation” rather than “therapy”. Perhaps Tre will think “mediation” is a meatball making technique and she will finally come around.
The gang sits down to eat back at the wedding reception. Teresa announces that she got a text telling her that her book is on the New York Times best sellers list. Caroline is offended that she felt the need to announce anything about her stupid cookbook during her brother’s wedding, “Can’t anybody have anything?” NO CAROLINE…YOU’LL GET NOTHING AND LIKE IT!
While the wedding is a classy affair, the shore party, by contrast, is a bit sloppy and loose. The rough housing begins, Joe tries to throw Rosie in the pool, but she gets away and yells “I will f*ck you up!” No shit she will! Rosie has really belly flopped her way into our hearts and minds this season, we just can’t quit her. The men start spraying each other with Reddi-Wip ® and Joe jumps in the pool to rinse off. In other words, it’s just like a typical Monday night at the Gorga’s re-done home…
Back at the wedding, Jacs and Teresa take a stroll over by a Buddha statue located in the land of gnomes and fairies. She reads the text from Joe and whines to Jacs about the same shit over and over. Teresa doesn’t want to bring up the past in therapy and she wants to start fresh. Really, is that why we had to hear about the GD sprinkle cookies for the first six episodes last season? AND THE RE-DONE HOME? She claims Joe is the one holding grudges, but of course Jacs doesn’t really say what’s on her mind and she tries to couch her opinion with the same bullshit “it’s been two years!”, “it takes two”, blah, blah, blah. Bottom line, Juicy doesn’t want Teresa going to therapy and she will not go against him. Maybe in her vow renewal she can read “love, honor, and obey thy controlling douchetard”.
Jacs is doing the drunk girl extended eye blinking, or perhaps her false eyelashes are just getting too heavy. She seems to be running out of nods and smiles and tells the camera Teresa is “too far gone”. Does anyone else find it ironic that Teresa is adamant about standing by her husband’s wishes about not going to therapy with her brother, yet she is constantly pissed at Joe for siding with his wife? Not only is she delusional, but she can add raging, ass-f*cking, hot dog eating, hypocrite to her skill set. Hey… if the hat fits…
Jaime and Rich send up some lighted wish lanterns and invite their guests to do the same. Juicy wishes for peace, help for all the sick people in the world, and for a boy or some shit. Juicy says this is the best wedding he has been to and Jaime tells him he looks just like his ex-boyfriend…and cue fireworks! If this was “The Bachelor”, they would make out and Jaime would give Juicy a rose. But alas…it’s dirty Jerz…next week Teresa calls Jacqueline “Heckyl and Jide” and Jacs finally grows some “kahunas”.