Everything’s Coming Up Rosie

We start out this week with Milania and her usual routine, GTF.  Gym, Tan, Find out who G to the ia is texting.  When she accuses G to the ia of texting her boyfriend, G to the ia says “are you fff…” and she stops herself.  I am sure she was going to say “are you for real?”  She quickly remembers that she is on camera and delivers Milania a dose of serious side eye instead.

Teresa is still reeling in shock over G to the ia’s lash out at the field day so she decides to broach the subject over some Eggo waffles.  The perpetually clueless Teresa doesn’t understand why G to the ia behaved that way, but of course, the convo is all about Teresa.  She is basically trying to find out what Joe was talking to G to the ia about and is grasping for validation of her own bad behavior from her ten year old daughter.  Teresa tells her that she never wants to see G to the ia fight with her sisters.  Good thing Teresa was too busy styling her weave a moment ago when G to the ia was ready to lunge at Milania’s throat with an open fist.

Kathy and Rosie sit down to talk about Rosie’s ten-year struggle with her sexuality.  For some reason Kathy seems a bit wobbly about how Rosie will explain it to Joseph and Victoria, but Rosie assures her that it’s best she tell them herself.  Are we really supposed to believe that Joseph and Victoria don’t already know that Rosie belly flops in the lady pond?

It’s take your Real Housewife to work day and Joe takes Melissa to see an old creepy warehouse that he plans to convert to luxury apartments.  Melissa is so proud of Joe and his “big kahunas”.  OY VEY… clearly she means “cojones”.  Melissa feels like she is on the set of a scary movie and she busts out her acting chops in what she calls a “Grammy” winning performance.  No, Melissa, the Grammy is the other award you will never receive.  Unless they come up with a category for “Best Auto Tuned Performance by a Fame Whore”.  As they Melissa moves about the deteriorated floor in her stilettos, they discuss unfortunate accidents, insurance policies, and the Joe and Teresa feud.  He decides in that moment to send Teresa a text and suggest they go to therapy.  I guess the empty, broken down warehouse is a metaphor for their relationship.

Teresa and Kim D. are headed off to Kim’s empty community pool.  Teresa says Kim D. is one of her biggest fans and she likes it because Kim agrees with her all the time.  Kim is pouring what she calls “Veev Clo”.  Oy, maron…it’s Veuve Cliquot.  I guess it doesn’t matter, all champagne is made from the same ingredientces.  As they are about to drink, Teresa receives Joe’s text and reads it aloud to Kim D.  Kim tells her that there may be underlying issues that she doesn’t even know about and Teresa immediately brings up how Joe was engaged three times.  That’s right, Teresa hates engagements, oh shit, she may flip that picnic table right into Kim D’s community pool!  Kim thinks the therapy may help Joe with his big problem of telling his wife things.  She continues to stroke Teresa’s ego and says “nobody’s got their shit together more than you.”

Caroline and Lauren are trying to decide what to pack for their upcoming trip to Chicago to attend nuptials of Caroline’s brother, Jaime.  The theme is pastels and hats, he really should have called it “pastels and fascinators”, it’s way hipper.  Lauren calls Jaime for some wardrobe 911 and Caroline speaks to him briefly and he asks her to do a reading or to write something for the ceremony.  We will not be seeing sister Dina at the wedding, something is a-brewin’ there that we will discover soon.

Jacqueline is at Teresa’s to assist her in wardrobe planning and Teresa has taken gladiator sandals to a whole new level, they are “workin’ girl” gladiator sandals.  Teresa allows her younger daughter to clop around in some platform scoots and I am just waiting for her to take a tumble and start screaming, but she doesn’t.  Teresa tells Jacqueline about the text from Joe and that he wants them to go see a “physical therapist”.  Yes Teresa, a physical therapist.  He’s going to work you and Joe through the stretching machines, hit the pool for some water aerobics so it’s easy on the joints, and the two of you will be getting along like gangbusters.  Teresa tells Jacqueline she doesn’t need no stinkin’ therapy and she continues to reign supreme as the queen of denial.  Jacqueline won’t come out with how she really feels…again, but says she has tried therapy.  Teresa jabs her again and says she could understand Jaq and A$$lee going to therapy, because they are a hot mess and after all, it’s Jaq who is drinking wine in her closet in the middle of the day.

The Wakile’s are out for pizza with Rosie, and Richie gives her some time alone with Joseph and Victoria.  She tells them how she went through her life struggling with her sexuality and she finally came out with it because she was born this way.  Joseph and Victoria are very supportive and Rosie opens the floor for questions.  Joseph wants to know how “gaydar” works, but Rosie doesn’t have “gaydar” either so she can’t really help him.  All in all, a good talk…well played Rosie, well played.

Jacqueline is stressing about packing for the Chicago trip and Chris alleviates her situation by having some wine with her and they reminisce about Jaime growing up.  Chris talks about how Jaime had girlfriends when they grew up and he really didn’t know Jaime was gay.  Jacqueline gives Chris an update from Matt, A$$lee’s father.  He reports that she is way worse than she was before and he can’t understand how they gave the A$$ so many chances.

Meanwhile, at the Giudice house, Juicy makes a joke about wearing a jacket with no shirt underneath to the wedding.  Teresa asks him where his “luggages” are and he says “up your ass”.  And who needs marriage counseling?  Teresa keeps contending that they “love the gays” and that despite popular opinion, Juicy is not “anti-gay”.  It is here we are treated to some clips of some of Juicy demonstrating his love of gays… “I called the guy a f*cking f*ggot because I think he’s a f*cking f*ggot!”.  But seriously, he is not homophobic in any way.

The Wakile’s drive to the Jersey shore to a rental house and Rosie pulls up in a red Ferrari and says the car is “unbelievable, and it’s a magnet too.”  They are hosting a party and Richie has hired three girls to work the party, serve drinks, etc.  Richie infers to Rosie that the girls are for her, but she can tell they don’t swim in the lady pond.  He says many of the young kids are DTE (down to experiment), but Rosie isn’t down, she wants the real deal.

The gang arrives in Chicago and they board a party bus and head out to Jaime’s house in Barrington, Illinois.  Sidebar:  I don’t live too far from Barrington, interesting to know the Jersey clan was here.  Anyhoo, Caroline mentions that Jaime has dogs and Teresa is overly concerned because she has “sweet blood, and I always get bitten.”  WTF…Teresa keeps trying to chat up Caroline, but Caroline sees right through it.  They arrive at the house and it looks like a miniature golf course combined with munchkin land.  Caroline feels like Teresa puts the wood on her family’s fire while she puts the lid on Teresa’s.  Teresa is immediately terrified of the dogs, but not too terrified to slather on more sparkly lip gloss.

Jaime shows Teresa around the house and talks about how it’s the “tree of life” concept. Teresa tries to describe the house to the camera and she again struggles for her words and finally spits out the words “it’s like a tree trunk”.  Juicy knocks back a cocktail and immediately starts in with the inappropriateness.  He discusses the “gayest” thing he ever did and tells a story about comparing penises side by side with another boy named Jaime.

Teresa meanders outside to interrupt Jacqueline and Greg trying to enjoy some quiet time.  Jaime and Rich run through their rehearsal ceremony and Teresa continues to act like everything is just peachy keen.

Back at the shore, Joe is carrying Melissa on his back into the Wakile’s house.  It’s raining outside and Melissa is very concerned about her hair curling up.  Kathy’s friends Heather and Cliff arrive and Rosie is very taken with Heather and they all get a good laugh about it.  Joe decides to change into his swim trunks in the middle of the street and all I can say is thank goodness for the Bravo modesty patch or we would have gotten a shot of “Tarzan” at his worst angle.  Rosie and Heather continue to chat it up and Heather likes Rosie because she is real.  The martinis keep sliding down and everyone is getting all sloshy and loose.  Everyone is into the hot tub and Heather comes out in her bikini with guns blazing.  Rosie is about to lose her shit and Melissa looks a little pissed off, probably because she isn’t the center of attention.  It quickly turns into “Middle-Aged Women Gone Wild” and Heather is giving Rosie a lap dance in the hot tub.

Rosie is chomping down on her finger in order to keep from swallowing her tongue.  Meanwhile, Joe is fascinated by Heather’s husband, Cliff because he is 6’9” and Joe is very curious about his manhood.  Hubba hubba…oh you kid!

Back in Chicago, the clan boards back on to the party bus to leave Jaime’s where all things grow with love.  Of course, Juicy is all lubed up and he opens up more wine.  Lauren accuses someone of farting and Juicy blames it on Greg because “you got the loosest butt hole here”.  Teresa cackles at Juicy’s joke in poor taste, then he tries to half-assedly apologize to Greg, but Greg is in no mood. 

Caroline tells the camera that Juicy is a shell of the man she met four years ago, he is bitter, angry, and likely has a drinking problem.  Ohh, that is gonna make for some good reunion fodder!  Caroline is trying very hard to keep her feelings under wraps so that Jaime’s wedding is not ruined, but she assures us she is a “ticking bomb.”  Tick…tick…tick…BOOM!


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