The Cheese Stands Alone

We open with Teresa rehashing the events at the pool party and Juicy immediately launches into a rage fueled rant, peppered with f-bombs.  He’s upset that Teresa is even having a conversation with her little bitch of a brother, he tells her he doesn’t want to hear it anymore, and she needs to shut up.  He tells her to keep her family away from him, including her parents, or he will leave her too.  He ices her cupcake with “When I say something, you better f’ing listen”.  Such love…Teresa makes excuses for him and says to the camera “that’s just Joe, he’s a Gemini, we never fight, knock on wood” as she knocks on her head.  Maybe she meant to say “knock on weave”.  Either that or her head is made out of recycled pressboard at best and Gemini is the sign of incomprehensible douchebaggery.

Joe and Richie are working out together and Richie is having a heart to heart with Joe about his family arguments.  Joe feels guilty for calling Teresa an “f’ing bitch” and he contemplates how he will work to improve their relationship.

Lauren and Albert go to the driving range and she complains about her weighty issues and Albert looks at the bright side and says it will be easier for her to lose weight than it will be to teach her to play golf.  Albert confesses to the camera that he was glad she was overweight because he didn’t have to worry about boys while she was growing up.  Ouch.  Caroline says that Lauren is “Albert in a dress” and reveals that Albie took Lauren to the prom.  Oucher.  Sidebar:  Albie looks like a smaller version of Paulie D in the flashback picture.  Lauren is still frustrated with her father’s advice because he has a lap band, which he refers to as his “secret weapon”.  Now that’s just cheating!  And that is foreshadowing…

I’m really getting tired of watching Juicy work out with no shirt on, he does not look good and of course his “winning” Gemini personality is not helping.  Teresa is sitting in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess and she calls Jacqueline from her “Fabulicious” phone to discuss the pool party.  Teresa tells her about the fight and says Joe has not contacted her since then.  Jacqueline reminds her about “Field Day” (so many puns, so little time) at her home tomorrow and is worried that it will be awkward.  Teresa will be there, but only if the main event is jamming emotional shivs into each other’s ribs.  Teresa tells her that she and G to the ia will attend, Juicy is taking the rest of the girls to the shore.

Jacqueline goes shopping with Lauren for athletic wear and they enjoy hanging out together because they don’t fight and Jacqueline sees Lauren as a surrogate daughter.  We learn a lot in this little segment, Dr. Perricone tells Lauren that she shouldn’t work out for more than 45 minutes.  Good to know.  Lauren wears a bra to bed.  Good for her.  She wants to get a breast reduction and Jacqueline has done that, twice.  A reduction, and a lift, and there’s no scar.  Interesting.  They both fret about trying things on and Jacqueline isn’t happy with her figure either.

Speaking of breast reduction, G to the ia asks Teresa to take her bra shopping and Teresa feels her up and says there isn’t anything there, to which G to the ia replies “there’s something there you stunod!”  They start talking about tampons and pads and Teresa is shocked that G to the ia even knows about all of this.  Teresa shows her ignorance here, and says she grew up “old school” and she was not allowed to use tampons until after she got married.  OY VEY!  You would think her views on tampons would be more liberal, considering her husband wears one, albeit he has it on backwards most of the time.  All of these girls are pretty advanced for their ages.  G to the ia and Milania are dancing and the little one runs between them and gets knocked over which gives Juicy a big belly laugh.  That’s a-nice.

Teresa whispers to Juicy that G to the ia asked to go bra shopping, as if the poor kid isn’t embarrassed enough.  G to the ia gets involved in a debate with him and tells him it’s none of his beeswax and she gets the line of the night when she says “I think you need a bra!”  Teresa tells her not to be embarrassed and G to the ia gets the second line of the night with “Oh my God mom, you didn’t get boobs until you were 23 years old, that’s why you needed to get a boob job”.  I like her matter of fact-ness.

The Boys II Manzos and their sassy roommate Greg are assisting Jacqueline in prepping the libations for field day.  She is concerned about having alcohol in everything, but they insist since they need to be in an altered state around the Giudices and the Gorgas.

Caroline and Lauren arrive and Greg starts giving Lauren shit and offers her a salmon-n-twig milk shake.  Lauren is not amused and starts screaming that she can’t have alcohol and Greg asks her if she is “ridin’ the cotton pony.”  No you stupid bitch, she’s STARVING!  And she’s “old school”, so she is not allowed to ride the cotton pony until she gets married, sheesh!  Caroline is not helping because she is on board with getting lit up before everyone else shows up.  Poor Laruen, this has got to be tough for her to tolerate and she gets no support.

Teresa takes G to the ia to WOB Lingerie to look at some bras.  That must stand for World of Bras.  Teresa fumbles around with her words like a 12 year old boy, she is such a doofus.  The sales woman says that the phrase “training bra” is so 1982.  She explains that G to the ia is on the “petite end” of needing one and there is no specific age, most girls want one when their friends start wearing them.  Teresa keeps laughing and saying stupid shit like “poppin’ out”.  She keeps embarrassing G to the ia, the poor girl is about ready to have a melt down and she keeps telling Teresa “mommmmm…. you’re not funny!”  I keep expecting Teresa to ask the sales girl to pull her finger, she is acting so childish.  We watch G to the ia’s little glittery slippered feet shift around under the fitting room curtain and she finally pulls Teresa into the room.  Teresa tells her this is the first step to becoming a “little woman” and G to the ia gives her a look of disdain.  Teresa should just shut up and be glad that G to the ia wants a bra and not pasties.

Melissa and Joe are headed to the Field Day and Joe has failed at getting the kids ready and he thinks he needs to go to college in order to handle doing what Melissa does.  He shows Melissa the apology text he sent to Teresa after their fight.  Hmm…so Teresa lied to Jacqueline when she said Joe hadn’t reached out.  I smell a fight a brewin’!

Greg goes up to Melissa right away to get the skinny on what went down at the pool party.  Jacqueline overhears Melissa mention the text that Joe sent and now Jacqueline is so confused…there is no confusion, Teresa is a liar.  Jacqueline is starting to see that she is being manipulated.  Jeez Jaq…wake up and smell the restraining order, have you learned nothing from your experience with Danielle Staub???  Teresa the liar and G to the ia arrive and right away Teresa is offended by Melissa’s short shorts.  Kathy arrives with all of her desserts and Christopher says he loves Kathy, he describes her as “porcelain, rainbows, and children’s laughter”.  He also says she reminds him of Caroline, just less testosterone.

Joe tells G to the ia that he will make up with Teresa, but she keeps defending her mom and is clearly convinced that he is the bad guy.  She is too young to realize that her mom is whack-ass wrong in this situation.  Everyone else is having a good time in the bounce house, Melissa does a back flip on the trampoline, and I do have to say, she is about a centimeter away from needing a Bravo modesty patch on her ass.

They pick teams and Sidebar: one of the kids is nicknamed “Ham Linky”.  That’s just funny shit all on its own.  Tug of war is the first event, then they move on to the sack race.  G to the ia accuses the blue team of cheating and she is furious.  They prepare for the three legged race and Joe in his usual disgusting manner says “Three legged race, I can go by myself”.  G to the ia screams at Joe again for cheating and she is absolutely bat shit hysterical at this point.  She has such an adverse reaction to what she thinks is cheating, which I think this is very telling.  Jacqueline and Caroline are trying to talk to G to the ia off of meltdown ledge, but it just exacerbates the situation.  Jacqueline starts reading a book to her about being a bad sport.  Jeezuz Jaq, the Giudice girls don’t like books!  It’s a good thing she didn’t start reading “Cop Without a Badge”.  Teresa would have flipped that f*ckin’ bounce house all the way to Hoboken.  Teresa comes swooping in and allows G to the ia to continue having her meltdown and confronts Jacqueline and Caroline about reprimanding her kid.  When Caroline tries to say they were not reprimanding G to the ia melts down further and says Jacqueline reading to her was torture.  Then, in the same hysterical breath, G to the ia has a moment of clarity, “Everything that you read, I was doing!  Nobody has ever done that to me before!”  What, called your punk ass out on your bad behavior?  Caroline notes that Teresa sent G to the ia a message, no matter how badly she behaved, if she felt hurt, then everyone else is wrong.

Teresa was angry with them for getting involved with her kid, but at the same time, G to the ia should respect Caroline and Jacqueline, especially since Teresa always refers to them as “family”.  Tre has to add insult to injury by saying that she would rather be at the shore with Juicy, but she is trying to be a team player.  I am sure at this point, everyone is wishing that all of the Giudices would have opted out of Field Day.  It’s all fun and games until a highly unstable 10 year old under extremely dysfunctional circumstances unleashes her anger.

Jacqueline tries to explain how she dealt with the same thing when A$$lee was growing up and this opens the door for Teresa to pop off to the camera by saying that she feels bad for A$$lee and insults Jacqueline’s parenting skills.  Awww hell naw…

Jacqueline feels like shit for making G to the ia feel bad, which his classic Jacqueline doormat behavior.  She has a prize, which is a medicine ball sized hunk of provolone cheese, and for throwing the best tantrum, it goes to G to the ia.  Ughh…

Boobs, tampons, cheating, a giant ball of cheese, oh my…next week it looks like we get a nice big helping of Rosie, which will be a fun change of pace.

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