Splash and Burn

Everybody is rehashing the Summer Solstice party, and why not…did you expect anything less?  Richie wants Kathy to be done with Teresa, but Kathy doesn’t want to abandon Teresa completely because she’s family.  Richie uses an analogy and compares cutting off Teresa to cutting off a cancerous arm.  While he has a good point, leave it to Kathy to abide by Bravo wishes, and set the stage for this excruciatingly boring episode invite everyone to a pool party.

Caroline and Albert are rehashing in the car and Albert calls Teresa’s gold digger comment “antagonistic”.  Caroline tells the camera that Teresa’s problem is that Melissa “exists” and she is a “better, younger version of you”.  We have known that is the problem, but I think we are all overlooking the critical underlying issue…Teresa’s creepy jealousy of her brother’s marriage.

Juicy is practicing his butt pummeling ass clown moves kick boxing and he exhausts himself after three punches.  He retreats up to the bedroom and announces that he needs to “take a dumper”.  Ah…yes, a good ol’ dumper, just the visual we need.  Teresa begins to tell him about the “solsist” party complete with a bizarre impression of Melissa and stomping feet.  Apparently Teresa thinks Melissa walks like Frankenstein.  The real scene stealer here is Juicy, who is sitting in some sort of weird stretching machine contraption, complete with a wheel that allows him to crank his legs apart.  Eww…gross.

Teresa continues to yammer on, her biggest talent.  She drops down to fit in a few push-ups while she is at it.  Juicy is sick of it and sums it up by calling Melissa a gold digging tramp, Joe is a little bitch named Josephine, Caroline is boring, Rosie is a butchie boy, and Kathy, her idiot cousin, looks like a frog.  He tells Teresa, all she needs is him, the powerhouse.  Yeah well you’re a Juicy jag bag!

The next day, Teresa arrives at Jacqueline’s to work out.  Jacqueline decides to tell her that she felt put on the spot at the party and Teresa starts with her usual bullshit.  Jacqueline is trying to break it down, but she quickly becomes exhausted by it.  Apparently, these two need to revisit their friendship contract, we need Cynthia from Atlanta up in here.  Jolene the trainer arrives just in time.  I got a real kick out of Jolene the trainer, she is in worse shape than Teresa and Jacqueline…and she carries a bottle of Sutter Home in her purse and has her pants on inside out.  Are we sure this is not A$$lee’s trainer?  Unfortunately, this joke of a personal training sesh is cut short by Teresa receiving a phone call from Kathy and Jacqueline is thoroughly annoyed.

The Boyz II Manzos go to the Jaguar dealership to look at a “bitch magnet” for themselves and Lauren is excited about the air conditioning in the seats blowing up her skirt.  They think Mama Manzo is going to be a bit pissed about the $80K they are spending on the car.  Caroline and Albert arrive at the dealership and she can’t believe they are even entertaining this.  She is all worked up and then Albert surprises her by saying that the car is actually an anniversary present for her, then all of the sudden, it’s okay to spend crazy ass money on the car!

Kathy and Richie are getting ready for the party, but Caroline and Jacqueline have cancelled, and Victoria and Joseph’s friends are not showing up.  Richie confesses that he told the kids to not invite their friends since Teresa is coming.  He doesn’t want them to be embarrassed and lose respect of their friends.  Good call Richie, good call.  Meanwhile, Kathy is totally pissed because she made a bunch of macaroni and potato salad, even lemon ice, and now there is nobody there to enjoy it.  Whaddayagonnado?

Jacqueline is skyping with A$$lee and Jacqueline admits she misses her a bit.  A$$lee doesn’t look like much has changed and she says she isn’t in a good mood because she had to get up at 9:00 a.m.  A$$lee’s dad will be taking her from Vegas to Texas soon, hopefully for a good ol’ fashioned Texas A$$ whoopin’!

Melissa and Joe are headed to the Wakile’s and Melissa is stressed about seeing Teresa.  Teresa arrives in a gold lame dress lookin’ like a mixture of MC Hammer and Mrs. Roper.  Rosie offers Teresa a fine selection of drinks, but she wants a frozen margarita as if she is ordering at a bar.  Melissa throws a jab and says “I’m drinking sangria, I’m not high maintenance”.  Teresa says she will be the bigger person instead of saying “you’re so stoopid”, like she wants to.  Rosie decides they need a little excitement up in here and decides to do a cannonball, but it’s more like a belly flop.

Caroline and Albert arrive at their little apartment above the Brownstone to have a rendezvous and celebrate their anniversary.  They reminisce about old times when they lived there their first few years of marriage.  It was in that very apartment that Albert held Albie in the palm of his hand and Albie peed into his face, right between the eyes.  Memories…

Back at the lamest pool party ever, Kathy is trying to start the drama by prodding Teresa to go talk to Joe and Melissa.  Richie is in Joe’s ear and tells him to consider family therapy, but Joe doesn’t believe in that.  Audriana and Antonia have similar swimming suits and again Teresa starts up about Melissa copying her.  If she really thinks that Melissa bought her daughter a swim suit to copy off of Teresa’s child, then this bitch is really screwier than a loose meat sandwich. 

Joe and G to the ia are hanging out and he laments that he and Teresa are so messed up.  He decides to take Teresa aside and chat, she sits down and comments on how good and “buff” he looks.  Hell, a hefty bag full of pudding looks buff next to that hobgoblin of a Mucinex slug she married.  Joe tells her he doesn’t want to argue and Teresa breaks down in tears and says she can’t take it anymore.  She will never tell him anything again and she says she lost her brother.  Joe tells her to think it over and if she doesn’t want a relationship she should just say so and he can move on.  She wants her old Joe back, before he got married.  She thinks Joe changed and if he thinks she has changed, it’s only because he changed.  Sheesh, arguing with her is like playing that game “Whack a Mole”.  She is all over the place.

She keeps derailing the conversation and Joe wants her to accept that she was wrong and be a sister to him and be “normal”.  Joe needs to accept that this bat shit crazy bitch will never be remotely “normal”.  They start scrappin’ about the kids and Teresa says G to the ia hated Melissa, “and kids, you know, they have good intuitions”.  She says he is the meanest brother ever and Joe says he is an angel from God.  Aye aye, I think they both had too much sangria.  Everybody knows the meanest brother ever is Albie who said Lauren’s children will look like koala bears!

They keep arguing and meanwhile, Melissa is wrapping Teresa’s girls in towels and taking care of them.  Joe finally gets fed up with Teresa’s irrelevant and combative conversation, swears at her, and walks away.  Meanwhile, Kathy is wandering around aimlessly screaming “who is going to eat all of this potato salad?”

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