A Fine Bromance

Judges are dressed particularly mis-matched this week and DAWG in the midst of a plaid explosion.  JHO is in a sequiny hombre number and Steven all white.  JHO and Steven are sporting up-dos that I could do without.  OHRS emerges down the Hasbro’s slippery steps and his girlfriend is in the audience tonight, so OHRS will be on his best behavior.

The top four take the stage wearing outfits that are equally as heinous as DAWG’s.  Round one is called “California Dreamin’”, meaning any song from any band or singer from or song about California.  Translation:  Pick a Song, Any Song.  Round two is songs the contestants wish they had written or songs that inspire them.  Translation:  Contestant’s Choice if not talked out of it by Jimmy Iovine.

Dave Matthews is up first and we rehash his journey and the 1,000 faces of Phillip Phillips.  During round one, he wants to know “Have You Ever Seen the Rain?”.  The blonde saxophone player has, she is back and I guarantee that is all Steven has his eye on.  I actually enjoyed his upbeat performance incorporated with his own style.  Steven says he is “living proof that the road to success is always under construction”.  Phillip announces he has cotton-mouth because he is nervous, it had nothing to do with is medicinal marijuana [I kid…I kid].  DAWG said it was rough in the beginning, but then he found the pitch and he was right on the money.

Later in the show, Philip kicks off the “inspiration” round with “Volcano”.  Jimmy says he is in a different place this week and the “butterfly” has come out.  He delivers a unique, solid performance.  Steven says he could listen to it over and over and he heard the musician in Phillip this time.  JHO said very few could have pulled that off and it is a testament to who he is.  She said it was one of the most beautiful, poignant moments a contestant has ever had.  It is painfully evident, that she doesn’t know what to say.  There are others who have pulled that off and there have been more beautiful, poignant moments.  DAWG says “so yo, that’s what’s up right there”, he felt it was one of his best performances the whole season.

Hollie is up next and we relive her rejection from last season and how far she has come this season.  While that is all fine and good, I just don’t see her winning.  She will perform power ballad “Faithfully”.  Another big song that has the potential to sound like a hot ass Celine Dion mess.  She’s off to a slow start, but she has the wind machine on her side.  It doesn’t really work for me, I think she has fallen flat.  DAWG says she is still “peaking at the right time”.  I don’t get it.  JHO is crying.  I don’t get it.  DAWG name drops again and reminds us how he was in the band Journey.  We get it DAWG, but those glory days are over.  JHO was touched by how much Hollie has grown.  Steven says she made her creativity bloom.  I don’t know, I guess I am expecting more at this point, or maybe I have given up on Hollie since I am fairly certain it is curtains for her this week.

Hollie knows she can’t make us love her in round two with her boring and unmoving version of “I Can’t Make You Love Me”.  Again, she picks a big song that I don’t think she can really connect with.  It’s very 8th grade talent competition for me and she kept her eyes closed through most of it.  Let’s see what the judges think, she sorta looks like she knows she blew ass.  Steven said she fell short and gave her a “sorry baby.”  JHO said you have to go through some stuff before you can sing songs like this, she should have sang it to America, she also gives her a “sorry baby.”  DAWG said the song gave her nowhere to go.

Mantasia is back and he is dedicating his song to his father, “You Raise Me Up”.  We journey back to his rejection in season 10 and DAWG told him to come back and “slay the whole thing”, which I think he may do.  Josh delivers an effortless performance and he is literally raised up, the stage lifts up and Josh is towering above his choir.  He comes down long enough to accept his props.  JHO starts and ends up bragging that she predicted the final four, she loved the “draaaama” and advised him to stay consistent to the end.  Steven said he sang his little tush off and DAWG liked that he brought Groban to church and called him amazing with a ginourmous career ahead.

Next, Josh lays it down with “It’s a Man’s World”.  Jimmy brags about how he got to watch James Brown record the song and after rehearsal, he tells Josh to save his voice and to “give me a call if you need anything”.  Josh chuckles and says “I ain’t got yo’ phone number.”  Proves how good Josh is, he has Jimmy Iovine stammering like a school girl.  Josh is f*ing killin’ it and we get a shot of the judges and they are all totally lost in this performance.  Annnd…wait for it…standing O.  The first performance seemed a lot more restrained and Josh couldn’t really move around and stink up the stage.  But son of a motherless goat, this boy just laid it the f*ck down!  Steven said he sang with “compassion”, but I think he meant “passion”.  He says “I can go home right now”, meaning his job as a judge is done.  Hell yeah, shut the front door!  JHO said that we thought we had seen everything Josh had to give, but we hadn’t.  She starts speaking in Spanish tongues and calls it “sickening”.  DAWG said it is one of the best performances in the history of any singing show.  JHO said she went to church and DAWG said they “got religion”.  The funny thing is, Josh is completely cool and collected, like it’s just second nature to him.  Hey Josh, we gotch yo’ number…mmm hmm…

BB Chez takes us down memory lane with some of her home videos of her singing.  We understand Jessica, all you have ever done, and all you ever want to do is sing.  You have been working hard your whole life, all 16 years of it.  We get it BB, but girl you got a lotta livin’ to do.  She takes on “Steal Away”, she does a pretty good job, it’s bluesy so Steven will love it.  JHO was happy to see that she started growling at seven years old and calls her “one of the best”.  Steven loved it and said she nailed it and DAWG loved the whole vibe of it, she can sing the phone book.

For round two, Jessica is telling us with “And I’m Telling You”.  For some reason, after Josh’s second performance, I am so not in the mood to listen to her.  Jimmy said if the judges and audience see what he saw in rehearsals, it could be “game over”.  She does well, pours all her emotion into it, she gets a standing O and Steven says “tell me how you really feel.”  Well I for one really feel like Jessica’s dress is an experiment in color blocking gone horribly wrong.  JHO says there isn’t anything left to say and Jessica is very emotional.  DAWG says that Jessica, Josh, and Phillip are really in it to win it.  He calls her “phenomenal”.  Somewhere backstage, little Hollie is feeling about 1” tall.

And now, Crappy Duets, presented by Coca Cola:

Mantasia and Dave Matthews pair up to sing “This Love” by Maroon 5.  It’s totally karaoke and the cheese factor is at an all time high.  They have the dueling ebony and ivory pianos going on too.  It’s just bad.  Steven calls it perfect, JHO compares it to Usher and Adam Levine coming together, and DAWG liked when Josh went up and when Phillip did the “uh uh uh”, then he started speaking in tongues.  I did not care for it.  But I do care for OHRS saying to DAWG “when I look at you in that jacket, I want to buy an ice cream.”

Hollie and BB Chez perform “Eternal Flame”.  They literally come out swinging as they are both suspended from the ceiling in swings.  They actually sound pretty good together at times, but in other parts they are outshining one another.  DAWG said it was a little strange for him and he didn’t like it, thought it was weird.  Josh and Phillip break the tension by jumping into the swings.  JHO didn’t think it was that bad and Steven said they have turned into their favorite swingers.  OHRS points out that power couple, “Jillop” is the new Hollywood bromance.

We are treated to a shameless plug for Adam Shankman’s new musical “Rock of Ages”, which also stars Julianne Hough, which explains why she is in the audience.  Adam says that Tom Cruise is in the movie and he “sang his assless chaps off in the movie”.  OHRS pretends like he is going to ask Julienne to marry him, but he produces a prop note he wants her to give to Tom Cruise.  I bet the note says “Dear Tom, you are tinier than me.  Love, Peaches”.

It’s decision time and judges come out and it’s like a fake red carpet with fake fans behind velvet ropes.  OHRS burns up valuable live air time saying hello to the fake fans, we are ready for results already!  OHRS is not revealing any results tonight, he is just calling the contestants up one by one and reflecting on Jimmy’s feedback:

Phillip – We know he will be safe, so I don’t know why OHRS is wasting more time.  Jimmy was happy with his performance overall and said he would have signed him if he saw him in a club on a cold night.  Hmm…as opposed to a warm night?

Hollie – Jimmy feels she is peaking in the wrong direction and she crashed and burned on the Bonnie Raitt song.  Agreed.

Mantasia – Jimmy felt that the first performance was too full on gospel.  However, Jimmy was captivated by the second song, it was magic.  WORD TO YO’ MAMA!

BB Chez – Jimmy says the growling trick is getting old, but the second performance was flawless.  He says that Tommy Matola contacted him and said he would attend Jessica’s first concert.  Jimmy admits he knew Scotty would win last year, but he is clueless on this year’s final.

It wouldn’t be Idol without another shameless plug of a sucky song and a bump-n-grind with JHO and her ghost boy.  She performs “Dance Again” and she is dressed in a bedazzled unitard and she is clearly lip synching.  This is a family show, JHO, put your naughty bits away!  Jeezus, first Xtina forgot to put on her pants two weeks in a row on “The Voice”…et tu…JHO?  At the end her boy toy Casper the ghost picks confetti out of her weave and she says “he’s so cute”.  Vomiting.  In.  My.  Mouth.  Well at least our down to earth judge JHO isn’t too self-indulgent…

Finally, OHRS lowers the boom.  Our final three are BB Chez, Mantasia, and Dave Matthews.  Little Hollie is heading home and I think she knew it based on her reaction.  Her bestie Josh cries off his guyliner while Hollie sings us out like a little champ.

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