We live in a world where Teresa Giudice is on two, count ‘em, two shows in one night. Before we get back to the shore with the Giudice family, we got to witness Teresa being fired by Donald Trump on the Celebrity Apprentice. It was particularly entertaining to watch Teresa get schooled by Lisa Lampanelli during a negotiation for hair models to represent the new touch screen hair dryer made by CHI. Teresa’s presentation to CHI executive Farouk Shami was an abomination, she could barely read her cue cards and ultimately her team lost. Let’s face it, Teresa was a real disappointment on the Trump show, she was hardly the source of any drama, she was constantly tongue tied and making no sense, and she couldn’t negotiate her way out of a paper bag. However, tonight she is back in her element, buckle up.
Juicy is doing pull ups on a bar in a doorway, presumably to firm up those flappy moobs. What I wouldn’t give to see that bar snap and watch him tumble to the floor like a sack of creamed corn. Jacqueline and Chris arrive and Juicy takes a grab at Chris’ nuts. What is it with him and grabbing other men’s junk? Jacqueline helps Teresa finish her makeup so she can be all raccooned up for the boat ride. She bitches to Jacqueline about the “In Touch” magazine article, but all Jacqueline can get out of it is that she is profiting from peoples pity. Teresa rehashes the convo she had with Joe about the gold digger comment, which blows Jacqueline’s Botoxed face back a bit.
We check in at the Manzo’s where Lauren is working on her diet and tells Mama Manzo that her hair looks like a “big rag dog”. Whatever that means. Caroline calls her mood “wicked”, but that’s how dieting women are. They’re bitchy because they are hungry. Poor Lauren talks about how she needs to be rich too. Chances are she will never be happy with anything and she keeps wishing she could be more like the Boys II Manzos.
Back at the shore, Rosie is on hand to watch the kids while the rest of the adults go out on the boat ride. She suggests a li’l sip o’ wine to calm the kids down. Richie gets line of the night so far when he cracks a joke about the boat. He asks if it belongs to the Giudices, because he doesn’t want to be out at sea and then Sea Tow shows up to repo the boat. Teresa tells Kathy in Italian not to bring up jail but Kathy is equally as confused as Jacqueline is. They don’t understand why Teresa will spill her story to the magazines, but she won’t confide in her family. Meanwhile, back on dry land, G to the ia tells all the kids to take the bikes and scooters out front to play in street. Brilliant idea that may send Rosie into cardiac arrest.
The ladies catch up on the boat ride and Melissa is keeping Jacqueline at arm’s length because she is team Teresa. Jacqueline must have drank too much wine because she starts dishing about Caroline going through menopause. Oy Jacqueline, loose lips sink ships, literally. Teresa immediately concludes that is why Caroline is treating her poorly. Somewhere Mama Manzo is ready to jump through her television set.
Rosie is still baby wrangling and we get a very cute moment from Milania and Antonia sharing girl talk in the bathroom. Milania apparently has to “go poo poo all the time.” After that comment, Antonia gives her an “EWWW” and then a bit of the TMI cold shoulder. Milania cries to Rosie that Antonia doesn’t want to be her friend anymore, but Rosie has them hug it out. Later, Milania is in a closet doing pull ups on the bar and G to the ia screams “WHAT ARE YOU DOING” in a heinous voice from hell. Wonder where they learned that behavior? These girls will be picking out stripper names by their 16th birthdays. Rosie is totally drained and steps outside to puff on a Newport.
Back at sea, Teresa is still spinning the truth and is blaming Caroline’s behavior on the menopause. Melissa tries to volley back by pointing out that Caroline is a no nonsense person. Jacqueline tries to soften the convo and again feeds, pets, and grooms Teresa’s delusion. Jacqueline is to Teresa what Cynthia is to Nene. Jeezuz Jaq, grow some balls so Juicy can grab ‘em. Out of nowhere, Juicy brings up the black eye and Teresa and Kathy get into it. Finally, Kathy tells her to just punch Richie and they will be even.
Lauren and Vito are making dinner and we are treated to an appearance by Albert Manzo, although he is stirring up the shit pot by commenting that Lauren and Vito’s kids will be able to beat up Christopher and Albie’s kids, implying they will be big. Albie says Lauren’s kids will look like koala bears that can’t control their arms and they will breathe heavy. Dumb move pissing off the woman cooking your food. Lauren says she would rather have ugly kids than douchey ones like her brothers children will be. Tru dat!
Remember the ham game? I wish the Manzo children would go back to the literal game where they are hurling cold cuts, instead of this new figurative version. It just ain’t nice. And shame on Boyz II Manzos for not being more supportive of Lauren. Karma is a bitch and if Albie and Christopher don’t snap to, they will end up with moobs like the Juice man.
Jacqueline is taking photos of everyone on the boat and Melissa senses Jacqueline is feeling the pressure of being Teresa’s friend. Back at the ranch, Rosie is making good progress with her plastic Solo cup and half gallon of Carlo Rossi. The parents finally arrive back and Rosie is ready to hit the scotch, serious scotch.
Jacqueline and her psychic, Tia, are hosting a summer solstice party so they can rid themselves of bad energy. Jacqueline and Melissa arrive at Caroline’s to go over to the party together. The talk starts up about the Teresa and Joe issues and the magazine article. Caroline hears about the gold digger comment for the first time and Jacqueline is totally uncomfortable. Jacqueline is having a hard time because she is afraid to say anything to Teresa and Mama Manzo bottom lines it…Teresa is bullying her. She is also willing to destroy Melissa and Joe’s family to get Melissa out of her life.
Teresa is en route to the “solicit” party as she calls it, with Kim “D”. We have the makings of a Posche Fight 2.0. Teresa fills Kim in on her side of the gold digger comment and Kim is all up in her corner and tells her to “make light of it you’re good at that”. Yeah, everything is a joke to Teresa. Tia the psychic is on hand to greet everyone with a bindi for their forehead, a flute player, and winged fairy greeters. The greeters will fasten the bindi’s to the guests foreheads in order to open up the third eye chakra. Oy vey, I think evil eye is more fitting for this group. Caroline says she sees enough shit she doesn’t need no stinking third eye. Rosie is sweating bindis and she decides, “F*ck it”. She puts on her brass knuckles and pulls Teresa aside to confront her about the gold digger comment and Teresa thinks the whole thing is being blown out of proportion. Really Tre, you have no issue discussing it with everyone you meet. Maybe Teresa’s next defense will be that she was misunderstood, Melissa is a soul digga, not a gold digga, silly!
Teresa holds her ground with brass knuckle Rosie, but Rosie ain’t havin’ it. They end up agreeing to disagree, but Rosie defends Melissa and tells Tre that everyone should just shut up. Teresa keeps waving her hands around and touching Rosie, which she may want to curb because Rosie could f*ck her shit up faster than Trump can say “you’re fired.”
They finally air kiss-n-hug it out. Tre immediately puts Jacqueline in the hot seat and asks if she told Caroline and Melissa about the comment. Jacqueline deflects and tells her to ask them herself. She can’t take it anymore and is about to have a meltdown. Jacqueline tells Melissa to talk to Teresa and Caroline again points out the bullying going on.
Kathy says the party is turning into an ol’ game of telephone, which it is. Melissa sits down to speak with Teresa and she starts in about Joe not calling while Juicy was “away”. Melissa starts to explain why he didn’t call and as soon as she says the word “jail”, it lights the fuse on Teresa’s tampon. That word is her kryptonite. She can’t handle the TRUT! Melissa doesn’t see what the issue is, “going away…jail”. “To-ma-to…To-mah-to”. Kathy explains that saying someone “went away” instead of “went to jail” is Jerseyite protocol to protect the family and it shows respect. ERRR (sound of record scratching), it happens often enough that there are actually “rules” for this?
Kim D. runs after Teresa and Tia follows. Tia is also trying to talk Tre off the ledge, then Jacqueline runs out to try to diffuse the situation and she takes the blame. Melissa, Kathy, and Caroline continue to discuss the meltdown and our little Lauren steals the moment “If you say anything she doesn’t want to hear you have to suck on her asshole first then she’ll listen.”
Teresa twists the conversation to take the focus off of her and she brought up other various inane things such as the text war between Joe and Juicy. The crazy train is completely off the rails at this point. Jacqueline is in the middle of a hot Tre shit sandwich. Jacqueline gets Melissa to come out and fight in the parking lot with Teresa some more. Get ready for some full blown bindi brawlin’. I really don’t know what keeps Melissa from cold coking her right in the nose. So bottom line is Tre is mad that Joe started shit by saying he heard Juicy was cheating on Tre. Yea, cuz’ every woman wants a piece o’ dis:
When Teresa told Joe that Melissa might cheat on him, all of the sudden Joe felt the shit talk was not okay. She didn’t stir up crap with the Juice man when Joe implied he was cheating, but Joe told Melissa about the comment Teresa made. I guess if Teresa is mad that Joe confided in his wife, she should take it up with him. I am not really sure what Teresa expects. That’s the difference between a healthy marriage and a sick one. Joe and Melissa are a team and Tre and Juicy are not. Melissa totally goes off on her and I have to hand it to her, she took the bully down. Teresa just keeps stumbling over her words and she is too stupid to even realize she is losing this fight and looks like a damn foo. She starts arguing with Melissa about gift giving for the kids and tells Melissa that Juicy throws her presents away, just like those damn sprinkle cookies. Teresa just keeps digging her hole. Melissa demands an apology she will never get and tells Tre to stay out of her and Joe’s marriage. Teresa is more misguided than a drunken game of “Chutes and Ladders”. She keeps whirling like a dervish and decides to walk way and Melissa calls her a coward. She whirls back around spouts more bull shit and then Melissa walks away. Tre tries to drag Rosie back in and she won’t go for it. More insults are hurled, I can’t take Teresa anymore, she’s bunny boiling psycho. I know everyone was waiting for her to flip her car and scream “PROSTITUTION HOOAH!”, but that didn’t happen.
Here’s the million dollar question: Wouldn’t Tia the psychic have known this get together would turn out badly? Not much of a psychic if you ask me! Wah wah…