Know When to Fold ‘Em

We re-join Franklin Lakes with a crying Asslee melting down because she is off to the airport and she can’t find anything and she just shoved a bunch of random outfits in her suitcase.  It’s Vegas…random outfits ought to do it, just don’t forget the clear heals and your portable stripper pole.  Jacqueline doesn’t seem fazed by her whining, and rightfully so.  Albie arrives to take her to the airport and Jacqueline hopes it will soften the blow.

Caroline and Lauren go to visit Dr. Perricone (as seen on Oprah!)  Lauren needs to find a solution to her weighty issues.  He gives her a plastic jar of egg whites and tells her she can eat that with berries and some artificial chocolate powder.  The poor girl is gonna crash and burn.  We will find Lauren in her closet in about a week eating 10 large pizzas.  It reminds me of that SNL skit about the “Gap Girls”.  Chris Farley was eating all the french fries and David Spade said “save some for us” and Chris grabs him by the neck and says in a deep voice “Lay off me, I’m starving!”

Juicy and Teresa go to their pizza parlor, which is now totally defunct.  They stand there while Juicy waxes philosophical about why it didn’t work out.  He blames circumstances, his suspended license, jail time, so on and so on.  Teresa then waxes philosophical about how he was “driving under suspic…no suspended, driving under suspended” and it’s really just a “life learning lesson.”  Yes Teresa, that’s it, life and dem dang learnin’ lessons!  Teresa is just thrilled because now the Mucinex slug will be home with the family more often.  Juicy claims that he had to get rid of the pizza place, but let’s face it, it went out of business.  If at first you don’t succeed, demolish the gas station across the street and build a senior citizen community.  Try, try again!  What else does Juicy have in his bag o’ talents?  If all else fails, he could always join Cirque du Soleil, after all he can do the splits!

Richie and Joseph are enjoying a car ride and a lecture about his dismal future.  The Wakile’s want him to achieve greatness, so they go poke around an Exxon Mobil mart so Joseph can see how a business runs.  See, gas stations are full of them life learnin’ lessons.

Asslee and Albie are on the way to the airport and Asslee waxes philosophical about how she wishes she was 21 so she could drink, but she proudly says that she has taken a straw to some NyQuil.  Should have kept that to yourself, Asslee.  Albie believes that Asslee thinks she is Ke$ha, she has the music playing in her head, she thinks a limo is going to pull up and shopping bags will be flying everywhere.  Good call Albie, much better than the Carrie Bradshaw comparison Asslee gave herself last season.

A$$lee misses her flight and Chris has more faith that his toddler CJ or Santino the dog could have made the flight.  Albie walks in to the Laurita kitchen and drops the news on Jacqueline and she stops rolling her meatballs dead in her tracks.  The rest of the gang arrives and poor Lauren is teetering on the edge surrounded by all of the food.  A$$lee enters and brings the festivities to a halt.  She announces she had the worst day and in one of the best moments of the show, (so far), Chris tells her “You know why you had the worst day?  Because you don’t have any common sense.”  A$$lee gets this look on her face like she can’t believe he would say that to her.  Chris is going to hand deliver her to the plane the next day.  Sidebar:  You gotta love Chris, he almost has that creepy/scary Christopher Walken way about him.  He says things so plainly and frankly, yet you know he means bidness, fish in the newspaper, horsehead in your bed, bidness.

Teresa and Juicy arrive to ruin the evening further.  Teresa can sense they have been talking about her, wow…props to you captain obvious.  Richie is complimenting Jacqueline on the meatballs and they joke about frying them.  Teresa decides to hold a press conference right there in the kitchen and give a blanket repology (yes, she said “repology”) to anyone who took offense to what was printed in the cookbook.  She can’t just leave well enough alone and she starts up about all the wonderful things she wrote about Joe in her first book.  He stares at her like she has four heads.  Melissa jumps in, and in a masterstroke of bitchery, says “we’ll take one for the team so you can make a little extra cash, it’s fine.”  Teresa is clueless to the fact that it was a dig and she bee bops on with her little life as if all is well.

The men go down to the man cave to play poker and Richie comments on Juicy’s various careers that he was so successful at and concludes that he is best at being “the good year blimp because he’s so full of hot air.”  Apparently there was an off-camera scuttle butt during the poker game.  There was a dispute about height between Juicy and Joe, somehow Juicy decided to grab Richie’s balls…hmmm…brings new meaning to the phrase “Texas Hold ‘Em”.  Apparently Juicy came up “short-handed” and Richie body slammed him and they wrestled on the couch and an iron candlestick fell and hit Juicy in the face and ended up with a black eye and a bloody nose.  Maybe they were playing Clue, it was Richie, in the man cave, with the candlestick.  I cannot even believe there was no footage of this.

The Wakile’s have a good laugh about the incident, but they have bigger fish to fry.  That’s right…Sexting, the dreaded Sexting fish.  Kathy is able to monitor the kids twitter accounts and finds out that Joseph has become a real chick-magnet and a random girl twatted Joseph some raunchy pictures.  Kathy is stunned that there are crotches in cyberspace.  She e-mails the girl back to tell her to knock it off, but Richie thinks she should respond by saying “hold that thought for three more years.”

Teresa runs off to a book signing while Juicy stays home playing Mr. Mom.  Milania is yelling at G to the ia, “Why are you cooking?  You’re not a cooker, you’re a hooker!”  Okay, the kid is funny and has a lot of detention to look forward to.  Wow, just wow.  In the midst of all of this Audriana is bleeding and Juicy says “she’ll be ok” and doesn’t even look at her.  G to the ia wipes the blood off of her knee as the Boyz II Manzos arrive for dinner.  They discuss the poker brawl and Juicy’s suspended license.  Meanwhile, Teresa is at her book signing and her adoring fan, Sheeba, is asking about all of Teresa’s personal issues.  Teresa is taken aback by her fan asking personal questions, it’s not like Teresa aired her dirty all over to “In Touch” or “People” magazine!

Melissa has made Joe a special dinner and plans to surprise him by playing the new  ballad she wrote for him.  It’s called “How Many Times…Dear Joe”.  She plays it for him and he gets the JHO goosies and starts crying.  I am thinking how many times are we going to have to hear this song?  How many times, many times, many times, on display, on display, on display, each and every day, every day, every day?  Make it stop.

Juicy continues to attempt to berate Joe by showing the Boyz II Manzos a newspaper article about Joe not paying people and getting sued.  Juicy Joe waxes philosophical about karma and how he has survived the worst of the worst.  Christopher tells us that he used to love drunk Juicy Joe.  He would say ridiculous things like “God has the best brain, and den dere’s me!”  Then he would just pass out and the Boyz II Manzos would throw ham at him.  God that sounds like the Best.  Game.  Ever.

We wind down the episode with Chris taking A$$lee off to the airport for the second, and hopefully, last time.  A$$lee is still bitching, but she took some Xanax to ease her imaginary fear of flying.  Chris tells her if the plane crashes, to put her head between her legs and kiss her ass goodbye.  Well said hunky, yet scary, step-dad, well said.

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