We have closed the Atlanta chapter for now, but as they say, when one door of crazy closes, another bat-shit crazy one opens and boy OH boy, it certainly has. The Real Housewives of New Jersey season premiere begins with some quick shots of the drama highlights. Who could forget, the Christening brawl, “you pushed me away”…“you gave me no choice”, “you put the wedge in”, the forbidden word “detaching”, “coo-coo, coo-coo”, “You know I’m gonna have a drink on a Saturday night”, “ingredientces like cumin”, “you don’t appreciate a god-damned thing”, “Asslee is gonna stay!”, On Display, On Display, On Display!, Italian as the Olive Garden. My head spins, without further ado, let’s make some new memories!
We start out at the tail end of the last reunion show where it was revealed that Jacqueline could not attend the reunion because she couldn’t look at Teresa. Not that it requires an explanation, but why oh why would Jacqueline and Teresa be feuding. This season promises to explain, let’s flashback to four months earlier…most of the gang is gathered together at the Wakile’s for a pool party and a hit o’ da’ Hookah pipe. Brass Knuckle Rosie is serving up drinks while the Wakile kids lurk in the corners waiting for the adults to get sloppy. Richie is stirring the pot asking Joe Gorga if he knows what Teresa wrote about him in her cook book, but little Joe doesn’t want to “re-hatch” their problems. Oh I love thee…Joe Gorga, you are comedy gold. They discuss how childish it is and Richie says “I think we should burn the bitch on a stake”. That should get the ball rolling in the right direction. Joe thinks it’s a matter of misery loves company and Brass Knuckle Rosie says that if someone came after her family, she would go into attack mode and “rip your heart out and eat it.” How’s that for a damn cookbook! Yeah, Rosie is a good time.
The Manzo’s and the Laurita’s are having a get together and have invited Teresa and Juicy, but Caroline has not seen her since the cook book came out. They debate about confronting her, the Boyz II Manzo’s joke about how they are too full to eat because they just came from the Olive Garden. Teresa arrives and takes Caroline aside to explain that what she wrote in the cook book was all in good fun and she was joking. “If you really read it good, I didn’t insult you”. Then she turns it around and tells Caroline how hurt she is that they took it the wrong way. Caroline finds it screwed up because she stood by Teresa during her difficult times and this is what she gets. Well Caroline is nobody’s fool, but she handles it calmly and cool as a whistle, to use a Teresa phrase. Teresa says she stands behind what she wrote in her book 110%. Teresa got that from Lou Ferigno while she worked with him on the Celebrity Apprentice. But the “Incredible Hulk Mind Trick” isn’t going to fly here! She presents Caroline with her own personal copy of the very cookbook where she bashes Caroline and her sons. Teresa tells Caroline she loves her, but Caroline noticeably does not return the favor. Well played, Caroline, well played.
Joe Gorga is assisting his son, Gino, with potty training and teaching him how to wiggle and keep his nut sack off the toilet rim. Melissa is packing in the closet and they prepare to go to their Jersey Shore house. He finds some “adult toys” and takes them out in front of Gino. Melissa convinces him they are “cat toys”. Wildly appropriate!
Meanwhile at the Wakile’s, Richie packs some “enhancement gel” in his travel bag and Kathy yells at him repeatedly to “stick it deep in the back, stick it deep”. OY VEY. They too, are headed to the Jersey Shore and she is ready for the leopard print, ripped bodies, and coconuts? I didn’t know there were coconut trees at the shore. Maybe she meant coo-coo-nuts, because that will definitely be there.
The Giudice’s are packing up the family as well and Milania is proving to be her usual self, a handful and quite hilarious. She calls her older sister a “stupid whore”. Juicy Joe is in the back feeding the wolves dogs, and for some reason in the back of their house they have several tents full o’ shit.
Joe is tying up a tarp full o’ shit that he pulled out of the tent full o’ shit and he throws it on top of the car and little Milania is amazed “you’re like a dragon”. Still doesn’t compare to last season when she said “give me pizza, you old troll!” Classic Milania.
Asslee cannot figure out the vacuum at the Laurita house, but who the hell cares, Life Coach Jack Bradshaw is here! Apparently, he is Jacqueline’s life coach and they sit down to talk about her and Asslee. Jack looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. Jacqueline expresses her frustration over Aslee and her inability to do anything. During this heartfelt life coach sesh…we cut away to Aslee still trying to figure out the vacuum cleaner. Sidebar: Asslee has modified her look, changed the spelling of her name, and she is platinum blonde with duck lips. In case you missed it…
Joe and Melissa have a closet conversation and Joe reveals that Teresa said “if a richer guy came along, your wife would leave you.” Melissa is stunned, shocked, appalled, and a bit pissed that he even told her. She wants to “make pretend” he did not tell her. She decides to let it go and Joe walks away aggravated.
Within the confines of the Giudice car, Teresa yammers on about her book signings, little tyrant Milania yells “whatever, whatever, I don’t care!” Can I get an AMEN? Teresa asks Juicy Joe who he was with the night before, he rattles off “a girl, whatever, another girl, whatever, I forget their names.” No Juicy, you never knew their names…you just left the money on the nightstand. Gia gets upset and questions him about being with ladies. Gia is old enough to know what is going on and she sees all the tabloids reporting that Juicy Joe is cheating. This is actually sad, and just wrong. The poor girl is being damaged for life on national television.
Caroline goes to see her doctor to discuss her migraines. She has terrible symptoms, she’s impatient and her mind is racing. She wants to believe it’s stress related, but he drops the bomb that it’s menopause. If that wasn’t bad enough, he follows it up with the coup de grâce, “you’re getting old”.
The Giudice’s arrive at their shore house and Juicy starts tearing apart the hot ass mess o’ shit he had on top of the car. Milania starts screaming because she saw a rat inside of the tarp. Everything is completely chewed up and torn apart. I don’t know what he expected when he stores shit in tents in the back yard. Durr! Juicy Joe, not the brightest candle on the cake!
The Gorga’s arrive at their modest shore house and Melissa is shocked to find that Joe has not finished the house and it’s completely under construction. Joe brags about the sound proof insulation he blew in so they can have “Gorgasms” and the kids will be none the wiser. The thing is a total wreck, Joe takes them out by the pool and the water is green. The girls want to go swimming and Melissa screams “No, they’ll get impentago”. That is not a spelling error, that is what she said im-pen-tay-go. Joe just sealed his fate, Melissa is not going to having any good times here for the weekend. Looks like it will be a one-man job, Joe.
Juicy Joe is lifting some 8 lb. dumbbells in the bedroom and let me tell ya’, his pain is our gain. This is some funny shit, thank you “Television Without Pity” for this line: “He looks like the Mucinex slug.” Priceless, and oh so true!
Teresa comes in to talk to him about the issues in the tabloids about Joe going to jail and how to address it with the kids. He’s about as receptive as a brick wall and tells her “it’s the life you chose”. He keeps dismissing her and she says she supports him…whoa…time out…there is not enough support on the Jersey shore for those moobs.
The Wakile’s and Gorga’s are enjoying their dinner and discussing the tabloid stories, Juicy Joe is likely going to jail for trying to obtain a license with false information and Teresa keeps appearing in magazine articles. Joe stands firm that he will be there for her and the kids no matter what “cuttin’ a check.” He brings up the thing Teresa said about Melissa being a money grubbing whore and Brass Knuckle Rosie won’t have it. Rosie says “she royally screwed up and she should have married somebody more like you [Joe].” Rosie knows she is not a threat to Teresa because she is chubby, has short hair, and lives with her mother. The gang gets a good laugh, so glad to see Rosie with more of a speaking role this season.
Jacqueline, Caroline, and Lauren all go for an afternoon stroll and sip BLK water, which the Boyz II Manzos were shilling last season. Jacqueline says that Caroline won’t hear excuses, but the Giudice Mind Trick does work on Jacqueline. They change the subject to Asslee and Jacqueline says that she and Chris are at the end of their rope. Jacqueline feels like an old woman because the nearby construction workers won’t even holler at her.
The rest of the gang is at the Jersey Shore beach and the kids are all having a good time because they have not become bitter and tainted adults. Richie suggests that Joe reach out to Teresa to let her know that he’s there for her when if Juicy goes to jail. Joe tries to have the conversation with her, but we don’t talk about these things on Planet Denial. He is trying to reach out, say he’ll be there, and she goes on the defense immediately. Oh lordy, forget about the Giudice Mind Trick, it’s the Giudice Back Peddle. She is a master. Joe calls her out about the “Melissa would leave you for a richer guy comment” and she claims she heard it as a rumor and tries to turn it back on Joe. She claimed Joe repeated the “Juicy cheating rumor” to her. Joe swears on his “friggin’ kids, they will die today”, that he did not say it. He is trying to put the past behind them and move on and they take Adriana down to the beach and she won’t hold Joe’s hand because she doesn’t know him. Wah wah…
Meanwhile, back at the Laurita’s, Chris calls Asslee down for a talk about kicking her out. He says that he feels like he’s talking to a stuffed clown animal and her Uncle Tom and Aunt Mary have agreed to take her in. She has go to Vegas and leave tomorrow, because that is the perfect city for a young bleach blonde girl named Asslee with lips of a bass fish to get her head out of her ass and find a direction in life. Hello pole…meet Asslee. She immediately flips out because, well she has plans with friends! Chris tells her she has plans with a pole. Either go to Vegas to her Aunt and Uncle’s or she’s in a van down by the river. Maybe she can put a stripper pole in the van, maybe she can hide out in Juicy Joe’s back yard tents, or maybe she will go to Vegas and find her true calling. She agrees to go, but I am not so shore it will be that easy.