Ends with Benefits (a.k.a. Escape from Dickland)

We start out the season finale of this rather blah season with Nene and Cynthia in an upscale furniture store.  Nene wanders aimlessly through the store wondering to herself, “Do I need a new bed?”  “How about an overpriced sectional to replace the one I have?”  “Do I really want to divorce Greg?  The ‘friends with benefits’ thing was working so well for us!”  Cynthia sits her down in the nearest overpriced sectional floor model, poor Nene, she just can’t focus.  Going through this divorce is like a death.  Well at least Phaedra is close on hand to throw a funeral to die for.  Cynthia tries to give her a pep talk…as if.  Cynthia needs to give herself a pep talk, she has been heading for divorce the moment she said “I do”.  Oh Nene, to hell with Greg, just call on Kandi.  She has all the happiness and joy you need!

Indeed she does, Kandi has a large shipment of happiness and joy.  Do you see how this has all come full circle, people?!?!  Only five months and she has gone from idea to fully executed concept of the world’s best adult toy that dances to your favorite songs.  She is planning a big launch party, ladies only, but plenty of male models on hand to deliver pampering massages and attention.  I have to actually give Kandi props, she actually lives within her means, is extremely talented, and has a legitimate career and business ventures that make money.

Meanwhile, at the Bailey Agency, Peter is greasin’ the wheels with the local police department so they won’t receive any citations for being over capacity.  Cynthia is conducting a model search and she has assembled a panel of judges.  Students will participate in a six week master-class given by Cynthia.  She will also coach the less fortunate to pursue careers in hair and makeup.  Cynthia will also have us know that models aren’t just about looks.  They have to be smart, they have to go places, and they have to eat.  They don’t have people doing that for them.  Sheesh, who knew.  I don’t know if Cynthia thinks this is America’s Next Top Model, but gurrrl, you ain’t no Tyra!

Kandi and Phaedra conduct their own casting of sorts in search for men to serve as eye Kandi at the happiness and joy launch party.  They discuss the men’s clothing, or lack thereof.  Kandi warns Phaedra that nothing too risqué can take place as she already got her in trouble with ReDICKulous.  How could we forget?  But leave it to Phaedra to draw some prudent guidelines, the men will wear pants, with liners, and there will be no protruding of any kind!  She by Shereé joins in to bring down the mood.  They all agree no shirts will be worn, but debate about possible speedos.  Kandi is concerned about the possibility of some of the men not being able to fill out the speedo and Phaedra offers to bring baby socks if they need “props”.  Oy, just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse, they bring in this man named Termaine and when he removes his shirt, he has this chest hair that Kandi describes as “taco meat”, nappy, black, balled up hairs, which resemble crumbled ground beef.  Throwing…up…in…my…mouth.

A man named Jared from Kenya enters and the ladies approve.  Phaedra gets right to the point and says he looks like he “bathed in cup of coffee” and adds that he is almost as “fine as my husband.”  She by Shereé fantasizes about his strong hands.  Phaedra adds “yes, from working in the field”.  Back to reality ladies.  A man named Deshawn brings in a parade of men who specialize in pampering.  They begin to provide a demonstration of massaging and strawberry feeding and Kandi asks if she will get a happy ending.

Kim takes Kroy out for birthday, it’s the big 2-6.  Yeah, I’ll give you a minute to get your brain around that one.  She starts to give him a toast by saying how lucky she was to have him, but then completely derails her crazy train and she goes off on this tangent about Big Papa and how nobody would have left her situation, but buying purses and shoes to fill the void just wasn’t cutting it for her.  I think this will go down in history as most awkward birthday toast for a 26 year old man…EVER.  She cannot wait any longer for Kroy to see the present she got him, so they take their food to go.  She asks the valet to bring around their Escalade, but instead he drives up in a new Porsche.  Kroy is stunned and couldn’t be more pleased.  Geez, Bravo must pay well.  I can now rest assured that Kim has truly learned that material things don’t fill the emotional void.

Nene meets her Big Papa, John the greezy pizza man.  He’s pouring on the charm as they discuss “Lenethia’s Lounge” and the pending location.  He wants to go South Beach or New York.  Nene is not too sure, then he gives her a gift and a schpeel about how she is the “glue that fixed him.”  Uggh…must be Gorilla Glue.

She says he’s too much but in the blink of a false eyelash she accepts the $30,000 Rolex.  She searches for meaning and John says “A Rolex lasts forever.”  Nene thinks the relationship is getting weird.  Getting weird?  She musters up the courage to be okay with it though considering the Rolex.  He tells her that she makes it like Christmas every day for him.  “Great…Sure.”  Nene wearily replies.  She tells the camera it’s too much too soon, but that bitch will run with the watch so fast it will make your head spin.  She says she wants to be a playa, so if accepting lavish gifts from a man you don’t even like is being a playa, then Nene can check that off her bucket list.  With that, she tells John to fetch his black American Express card from the waitress so they can hop over to Jimmy Choo.

Kandi arrives at her happiness and joy launch party with Mama Joyce in tow.  Mama is fascinated by the underwater toys.  The men are oiled up and ready to rock.  Nene, Marlo, and Cynthia are en route in their clown car.  Marlo already be hatin’ because she thought the party was “exclusive”, but it was announced on Twitter.  Nene starts bashing Kandi for not having a man and says that she removed her fabulous gown and put on shorts when she heard Kandi announced the party on Twitter.

Phaedra is already at the party ready to have a fun evening.  She admires Kandi’s booty and proclaims herself as a Donkologist with a PhD.  The talls walk in and Cynthia “knows a Twitter party when I see one”, but she won’t be above trying to recruit some of the male models to come on’ down to the Bailey Agency.

Phaedra and Mama Joyce rejoice over the new products while the talls are huddled in a corner shit talkin’.  Kim and She by Shereé are checking out the products and I can’t help but notice She by needs a fill on her nails.  Kandi is enjoying herself as well, no shirt, no shoes…no problem!

Marlo and Cynthia agree to get a massage, but Nene refuses and says she is “not into dickland” and she quickly plots her escape.  Nene is flat out leaving and tells Cynthia and Marlo they have to find their own way home.  Kim gets line of the night when she says “Nene doesn’t need a dildo, she’s got a dick in her pants.”  Thank you Kim, you have just proved your worth on this entire season.

In conclusion, we get a brief “where are they now” of sorts.  Kim obviously married Kroy.  Happiness and Joy paid for Kandi’s new estate.  Phaedra is developing a makeup line for the dead and creating a donkey booty exercise video.  She by Shereé has put She by Chateau on hold, which makes sense because she is a broke hot ghetto mess!  Cynthia is in full swing with modeling classes and is speaking to her sister again, but not about Peter.  Nene has her recurring role on “Glee” and she finally got divorced, but she and Greg remain “friends with benefits”.  Wow…just wow!  See you next week, the reunion looks like it will be a delicious hot mess.

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