Kiss Your Ass Goodbye

OHRS comes out in a rather somber mood, which we can attribute to the news that was all over the internet.  Gentle Giant Jermaine has been eliminated due to the discovery of a rap sheet, but our beloved host will get to all the juicy deets later.  Bring on da’ judges…Steven looks like a Mexican pimp and JHO is looking lovely in Tropicana orange.  OHRS descends the Hasbro’s slippery steps once again in the schoolboy vest and no tie.  It’s make Lisa feel old night 1983-1985 is the song range and contestants will select a song from year they were born.  They indulge us in baby photos of the judges and the photo of OHRS is just delightful, he was a little tubby bundle of joy.  Who knew he would eventually become a television ratings juggernaut.

First to take the stage is Dave Matthews and we find out that he had many health issues as a baby.  In a touching moment, his father gets choked up talking about him.  He discusses one of the health problems was that “three to four inches of his bowels were just dead”.  I am sure his son appreciated that being announced on national television. Dave Matthews comes in to speak with Jimmy Iovine and Will I am a Douche.  Dave Matthews announces he is on his way to surgery for kidney stones, but he will bounce back for the show.  He sings “Hard to Handle”, his performance is a bit hard to handle for me, he looks a bit under the weather, but the judges will cut him some slack.  You can tell he doesn’t feel 110%, oh wait , that’s Lou Ferigno on the Celebrity Apprentice…110%!  I am getting my shows mixed up.  Dave Matthews is a little lackluster for me, DAWG thought he was amazing, liked the cool, blusey, poppy feel.  JHO called him a natural and DAWG keeps chanting “after surgery!”  Steven tells him to watch his melody, but keep it up man.  Poor guy looks like he wants to chunder.

Jessica Sanchez is up next and apparently she was quite a diva as a child.  She would have tantrums to the point of fainting, but she had strong lungs.  She plans to “Turn the Beat Around” and Will I am asks her to punctuate the modulation.  Whatever the hell that means, but I am gravely concerned with her song choice because I am not fully convinced that Jessica loves to hear percussion.  Will calls her a “swaggernaut”.  Jessica has on sparkly bell bottoms and she looks like she is trying not to fall down.  Overall, the performance for me is a bit cruise ship and Steven thinks she strayed too far from her strong point, ballads.  The rhythm was a bit shady, but he digs her bedazzled pants. JHO agrees and DAWG echoes and the criticism is all constructive.

Hey Jun was always quite the comedian who got his sense of humor from his mother.  Hey Jun is singing “Right Here Waiting for You” and Will I am tells him to say “chance” not “chan”.  Fat chan that will happen.  Hey Jun asks Will for an autograph and for Fergie’s number.  The performance is a bit rough and he looks like he knows it.  DAWG jumps in first and did not enjoy, pitchy all over the place, JHO could feel his struggle and it got really beautiful for her.  Steven thought it was breathy and not great.  Beautiful must be the judges code word for “you sucked, but I don’t have the ballz to tell you.”

Elise is up next and she apparently was quite the troublemaker as a youngin’.  She has a second chance this week due to the judges save and she hopes to stay with the show with “Let’s Stay Together”.  Will I am reminds her to smile and they take the opportunity to put her side by side with President Obama singing the song.  Steven loves it, the rasp, the beauty, the soul…JHO thinks she showed America who she is.  DAWG says Elise is back and she was like butta.

Little Milli Vanilli is up next and it appears he always had very wild hair and he memorized the Music Man and did all the dances.  He is ready to punch his mother for releasing the home videos to the Fox intern.  Deandre hopes we feel the love, and settles on “Endless Love”.  Will I am says “don’t sing master blaster, be the master that blasts through the competition, then you will last until the next rendition.”  Mmmmmkay.  JHO says he sang it beautifully, but Jimmy and Will steered him wrong with the song choice.  Steven agrees and DAWG says Mariah and Luther sang the “I dunno what outta dat song”.  First “I feel old” moment of the night because when I hear that song, I think of Diana Ross and Lionel Richie!  Can I get a “holla?!?!”

Shannon Magrane sings next and as a child she sang about OHRS “Thumbelina” over and over.  Jimmy starts showing off some new phone, which plays music, but it is a shameless plug for AT&T.  She decides on “One Sweet Day”.  Will I am suggests singing laying down so she can practice breathing.  She is dressed very strangely again, it’s like a combination of Liza Minnelli and a cruise ship worker.  I’m not terribly impressed by her, but judges look happy.  JHO really liked it, Steven said she does her best when she isn’t trying so hard, DAWG uses his phrase of the night again “Maria sang the I dunno what outta dat song”.  Blah, blah, blah…NEXT…

Colton Dixon made time in his schedule for us tonight and he flaunts his twit pic with Chris Daughtry, who he got to meet for dinner the other night.  Colton was a great baby, a star pitcher, musician, etc.  His father is so proud because he put 110% into everything he did, just like the Hulk, Lou Ferigno.  Tonight he will be singing “Broken Heart” by White Lion.  Wha?  Will I am even said nobody knows the song and they are going to put Colton’s twist on the song, “He’s slam dunkin’ like Vladimir”.  OYOY!  If Colton’s twist was to make this sound like a bad 80’s hair band song, well then he pulled it off.  White Lion…in case you missed it:

JHO gives some mercy applause and dives right into the criticism.  She calls Colton a “lover” and felt he was so into the song and he looked so pretty.  Jeezuz Jenny, talk about taking it too far.  DAWG humors her, but Steven is out of patience.  In the first amicable stand-off of the season, Steven skewers the douchekebab and simply says it was the wrong song for him and he didn’t feel it.  DAWG called it “dope” and said he was consistent, always in the zone.

EVP is up next and her mom reflects on how Erika was always loud.  She’s going for “Heaven” and plans to rock it out.  At this point, if I didn’t have to write this column, I think I would be dozing off in my plush neck pillow.  This has been a really boring show tonight.  Erika finishes and she knows she sucked, Steven said it was “too busy” and JHO didn’t like the arrangement, but compared her to Janis Joplin.  DAWG liked it and gave it an 8 out of 10, but if it wasn’t broke, why try and fix it with some weird, kitschy, jerky arrangement.  Well said, DAWG, well said.

OHRS is ready to break the about Gentle Giant, Jermaine.  Jermaine was summoned to Principal Lythgoe’s office after school to discuss his priors.  Charged with using a fake name to evade criminal charges, not once, but twice.  There are active warrants are out for his arrest, but there’s no judgment here, they just wish he had been up front about it.  Jermaine denies that he was in a fist-fight, blah blah blah.  Still doesn’t really explain falsifying his identity and well, four active warrants for his arrest don’t really bode well here.  Warrants are not like votes, more is not better.  As he walks out, they play a brief clip of his rehearsal.  Oh, what could have been…NOT.  Take your sweater vest and go home. 

Skylar is ready to pick up the pace here and OHRS points out that Skylar was born in 1994, which was the same year Aerosmith was enjoying the success of their “Get A Grip” album.  I just can’t catch a break, I feel so totally old as I realize I am wearing my “Get A Grip” concert tee that I purchased when I saw Aerosmith on that tour.  Ah…the good ol’ days, back when tee shirts were made to last 18 years!  Hey it doesn’t have any holes in it, yet.  But I digress, little Skylar was a “mess” as her mother puts it, her father says Skylar would get mad and bang her head into the wall or sidewalk.  Sounds really healthy.  Skylar will sing “Love Sneakin’ Up on You”, which should be a pretty good pick if she can bring some funk to it.  Jimmy and Will are trying to talk her into some “Gountry”, (ghetto country) by singing a Coolio song.  She does her own thang and she looks fairly confident on the stage and gives a pretty good perf.  Steven parts his raggedy hair across his face and jumps in to say it was “beautiful”, JHO feels she is doing a disservice if she is not honest and reveals that she felt Skylar “really killed that”.  DAWG is keepin’ it real too, and says she did it well and rocked it.

Mantasia is ready to roll and in the “Totally Unnecessary Awkward Moment of the Night” sponsored by Coca Cola, OHRS presents Josh with a boat load of crawfish because Josh is from Louisiana and misses the crawfish.  OHRS eats one and then fakes a shellfish allergy.

Mantasia decides to sing “When a Man Loves a Woman”, Will I am feels his pain and has flash backs of being in church.  Our Mantastic Mantasia does it again and really delivers an effortless, soulful performance.  He’s got the squealing down and he gets the judges to their feet.  Once again blowin’ da’ roof offa da’ dump.  Love me some Mantasia.  I fully expected him to deliver the perf of the night and Steven says there are no words.  JHO said the best thing she’s ever seen on Idol and DAWG said he “blew it out da’ box”.  Phenomenal, incredible, on every level, crazy good.

Little Hollie Cavanaugh was born across the pond, which explains her accent.  “The Power of Love” is her song choice and Will I am was blown away by her power.  Again, an effortless, strong performance.  JHO said with her and Josh they “saved the best for last.”  Steven said it was a bit pitchy here and there, but beautiful.  DAWG said she was in her “wheelhouse” and she blew it out da’ box!

It’s time for cuts, OHRS put on a tie for us tonight and JHO is dressed straight out of the Barbie Stage Show wardrobe line.  OHRS wastes no time in flaunting some photos that JHO did for Vogue.  She uses the floor to promote her new single and video she has coming out.  So if that shameless self-promotion wasn’t enough, we now see that Tommy Hilfiger is going to be the image consultant to the contestants.  He needs to get to work on Shannon Magrane…STAT.

OHRS summons Dave Matthews, Elise, Skylar, and Mantasia to center stage.  Jimmy said Dave Matthews gave a new definition to the word “sick day” at Idol, he has much faith in Skylar, Elise blew him away, and Mantasia had a big moment.  Jimmy said Percy Sledge even called to say he loved it.  Wow…OHRS actually reads an e-mail from Percy saying how much he loved it.  I think Josh just won, no matter what the outcome.  Elise is the only one in the group in jeopardy.

Milli Vanilli, Colton, Shannon, and Jessica face the music next.  Jimmy explains that they suggested songs for Milli, but he didn’t deliver and not everyone gets a trophy and an orange slice.  Wha?  Jimmy understands why Steven was hard on Colton, but he didn’t appreciate the DAWG’s comments about the song.  Maybe Colton will get an orange slice.  Shannon pushed too hard and showed her weaknesses and Jessica has Jimmy’s support, 1000%.  Not just 110%…take that Lou Ferigno!  Jimmy states that if Jessica goes home, we should all go home.  Shannon doesn’t make the cut and takes a seat with Elise on the stools of death.

Hollie, EVP, and Hey Jun are up next and Jimmy gives Hollie straight A’s except for how the wardrobe department dressed her.  Hey Jun did not get rave reviews and Jimmy wants him to kick up the tempo and EVP over sang and Jimmy is just having a heyday ripping into DAWG’s comments.  EVP is the only one in danger.

JHO is not a happy camper with the results and Steven adamantly agrees.  He says something about “finding its hen’s teeth” and judges are baffled over Elise being in the bottom three.  OHRS remedies that in a hot second and sends her back to safety.  EVP is also safe and Shannon sings for her life in case the judges decide to use the save.  Sorry to say Shannon, there is no way in hot hell the judges will pull out the save this early in the comp.  After last season, I have a feeling the judges save will be reserved for much later in the comp. or if Jessica Sanchez is ever in danger.  Boring week, boring season, I hope it gets better.

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