Taming the Beast

Tonight the contestants will sing the song stylings of Whitney Houston and Stevie Wonder.  Judges enter and JHO is wearing some really tight, high waisted, white pants that would make Michael “that crotch is insane” Kors go bananas.  OHRS descends down the Hasbro’s slippery steps and he is wearing that damn vest with no tie again, what gives?  His stylist must be mad at him.

He introduces the girls and they all parade out in their sequined frocks.  The boys follow and OHRS has “breaking news”, it’s the guys vs. the girls.  It will be sudden death tomorrow night as the bottom guy and girl will face the judges for a cut.

Mary J. Blige is in da’ house to mentor the gang along with the next best thing to Simon Cowell, Jimmy Iovine.  Mantasia is starting us out with “I Wish”, which is a great tune and I have full confidence that Joshua can blow the roof off the dump.  Mary J coaches Josh to get it on and poppin’.  He’s poppin’ all right, he’s bouncing around like a Mexican jumping bean, a little runnin’ in place and he’s golden.  DAWG loved it and says the song is right in his wheelhouse, JHO puts up her fist like she wants to punch him and she noted his Mantasianess in his movement, Steven explains why JHO wants to punch him and says it was…beautiful.  Ugg…that word is tired.

Sidebar:  DAWG is sporting some “pop jewelry” on his jacket tonight, it’s a pin that has a sad face girl on it reminds me of Lite Brite.

Elise is singing “Greatest Love of All” and Mary J looks puzzled by her rendition of it and they recommend changing the song to “I’m Your Baby Tonight”.  Elise starts to loose her confidence and Mary J tells her that her voice is so dope and she just has to get out there and do it, but can she?  I wasn’t thrilled with her performance and I don’t think she is either.  JHO grasps for words and knows Elise struggled, “Whitney is a beast”.  Elise frowns and looks like the cheese fell off her cracker.  Steven agreed it was not a good choice and DAWG concurs, saying she was “boxing” with the song.  Wah wah…sad face, just like DAWG’s jewelry.  Elise chats with OHRS about how she doesn’t know the song at all, didn’t have enough time, it was kinda bunk that she had to change songs at the last minute.

Gentle Giant Jermaine is singing “Knocks Me off My Feet” and Mary J tries to help him with his flow of words and Jimmy likes the “timbre of it”.  Jermaine is not my favorite and you can see JHO shifting in her seat like she is uncomfortable.  Steven said the song fit him “like an Armani suit”.  JHO compliments his personality and wants to see him connect with the song more and relax, DAWG starts speaking in tongues and basically all I got out of it was “I did not enjoy…just bein’ real…good lookin’ out”.  Well, I concur DAWG.  OHRS looks soooo small next to Jermaine, it’s actually quite cute.

Erika Pelt can Belt sits with OHRS to discuss her second chance, he is perched on the stool staring at her intently.  “I Believe in You and Me” is her song and Mary J says her voice is like “steak and potatoes”.  She does a very good job, DAWG discussed JHO’s goosies, he calls her amazing and unbelievable.  JHO thinks she is still playing it safe and she wants her to let loose, Steven echoes the sentiment and says it was “beautiful”.  OHRS reveals her new nickname “EVP”, we like it, we’ll go wit’ dat.

Colton Dixon is doing “Lately”, which Jimmy says is “not his wheelhouse”.  Mary J kinda looks depressed like she doesn’t know what to say to him.  I am not a big Colton fan, don’t care for the skunk do, the skinny legs, the fact that he stole his sister’s thunder by deciding to upstage her audition, and I just don’t think he’s that great.  JHO is shouting “yes, yes”, Steven says it’s outstanding, JHO felt he really overcame his challenges, DAWG said it wasn’t “picture perfect”, but the last eight bars were flawless.  OHRS liked the “smoldering eyes” at the end.

Shannon Magrane will sing “I have Nothing”.  Mary J can see her thinking and tells her to stop running and just sing the song.  Wardrobe department went crazy on her with that goofy shirt that looks like it was inspired by the Seychells Islands national flag. (Project Runway All-Stars Fans will get this)

She hit a lot of really rough notes and her voice bottomed out on her at one point.  Quite frankly she didn’t pull this off at all in any way, shape, or form.  JHO calls her “sweet baby” her thinking got the best of her.  Shannon couldn’t help it, so much pressure and that Bumpit was squeezing her brain!  Steven noted the nerves and the crash-n-burn at the turnaround.  DAWG notes the melody was off with the band as well, and it derailed from there.  She shakes it off and will carry on.  She needs to work on her posture, she slouches because she is so tall.

Milli Vanilli joins OHRS on the Coca Cola stools of death and he will be singing “Master Blaster”.  Mary J wants him to belt it and not be so pretty.  He’s got the rasta vibe going on, he descends the green, red, and yellow flashing Hasbro’s slippery steps, he hops around with his springy curls, and he does an okay job.  We are about half way through the show and I am still waiting for anyone to blow my socks off.  Steven starts off and says he’s the “male Naima”…oy vey, ugh and he says beautiful AGAIN.  JHO liked his swag and performance and said he “bought it from the beginning”.  I think she meant to say “sold”.  DAWG was feelin’ it and it was so good they didn’t want it to end.

Skylar is up next with “Where Do Broken Hearts Go?”  Mary J tells her to tone it down a bit and Jimmy said she fell right in the pocket.  Okay, finally, Skylar blows it out of the dump.  She hits some really good notes and makes it her own.  JHO says she is the definition of composure, a bit nasaly at first, but delivered the biggest moment of the night (so far).  Steven says it was beautiful, someone please expand Steven’s vocabulary.  With all the goofy shit he constantly says, you would think he could come up with more than “beautiful” to critique every contestant!  DAWG liked the end and he loved that she can sing any song.

Hey Jun is ready to take the stage with “All is Fair”.  He’s does an okay job, again nothing fantastic.  And if I have to hear that it was beautiful, I’m gonna stroke.  JHO says she loves him and Steven says he was fantastic, DAWG said not perfect, but really good.  Fair enough…

Hollie Cavanagh is singing “All the Man that I Need” and she plans to let her hair down this week.  Mary J thinks she will steal the show and I concur.  She is fantastic and she has a crazy spiky ring on that could put an eye out.  DAWG said she nailed it, JHO thinks she could be in the finals, and Steven agrees.

Jer-Bear is signing “Ribbon in the Sky” and based on rehearsals, it’s lookin’ rough, his nerves are getting to him.  Super rough, JHO looks like she wants to cry, Steven said beautiful and velvety smooth, JHO used beautiful again, DAWG said it wasn’t his best, it was a difficult song.

Jessica Sanchez is taking on “I Will Always Love You”.  She makes Mary J shriek with delight and Jimmy feels she nailed it.  Let’s see…holy ballz the girl was flawless.  I think we have our performance of the night.  Standing O, JHO jumping, high waisted pants creeping, guyliner running, slam dunk!  DAWG calls her legit and one of the best in the competition and Steven said she is “the one” and she made 40 million people cry.  She really was amazeballz.

Dave Matthews rounds out the night with “Superstition”.  Jimmy and Mary J think he is a great combo of singer and musician.  The performance is rockin’, but largely due to the band.  Steven calls him an interesting character, there are no words, “you just are”.  JHO thought he killed it and DAWG thinks he is different and he likes the “indie spirit”, he drives his own car in his own lane, and the DAWG loves it.

It’s night two and decision time.  JHO and DAWG stroll out hand in hand, while Steven limps along, OHRS deftly descends the Hasbro’s slippery steps.  Judges will make the cut, one contestant between the lowest scoring girl and guy.  We are treated to the cheezy group number and the shameless Ford Fiesta plugs.  Now that we have all that nonsense out of the way, let’s get to the gut wrenching results.

Jessica, Elise, and Holly are up first.  We flashback quickly, Elise took a powder, Holly nailed it, and Jessica, well little Jessica blew the lid off the dump!  Jimmy Iovine commented that Jessica’s performance was probably the best on American Idol, period.  Wow…needless to say Jessica and Holly are safe and Elise takes the first stool of death.

Hey Jun, Gentle Giant, and Colton are summoned center stage.  Jimmy felt Hey Jun showed too many flaws, he felt Colton was not true to himself, and the Gentle Giant had an internal battle going on, which he lost.  Colton and Hey Jun are safe and Gentle Giant busts a deuce with the second stool.

JHO gets a shameless plug for her new show Que Viva!  She says it’s amazing, crazy, wild, and all Latinos.  It’s on Saturday nights, which is not the best time slot, so she’ll be cancelled in a month.  OHRS welcomes Lauren Alaina back to the Idol stage to sing.  Our little Lauren still looks as cute as a button, but the hair is a little too blonde and I’ve seen better extensions on “Dancing With the Stars”.

EVP, Shannon, and Skylar are up next.  Jimmy felt Pelt can Belt, Shannon’s nerves did a number on her, and Skylar’s nasaly voice won Jimmy over.  Skylar is the last girl safe and Shannon and our EVP are sent to the stools.

Dave Matthews, Jer-Bear, Mantasia, and Deandre face their fate next.  Jimmy is worried a bit about Mantasia, Deandre was a pleasant surprise, Dave Matthews knows who he is, but the girls could outshine him, and finally Jer-Bear just didn’t deliver.  Dave Matthews and Deandre are safe, and Jer-Bear and Mantasia hit the bottom three.

Right before the commercial break OHRS places his hands on Mantasia and EVP’s thighs and releases them from the stool prison and they are sent to safety.  OHRS asks Steven who deserves to leave.  What is this?  The X-Factor?  Bitches…puh-leaze!  He decides on Jer-Bear, well at least he was man enough to sack up and give an answer.  OHRS asks to dim the lights, he approaches Gentle Giant to tell him he’s safe.  Shannon is also safe, which leaves Elise and Jer-Bear facing the chopping block.  JHO announces the agonizing decision to save Elise and bid farewell to our huggable Jer-Bear.

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