Emily Postal

The ladies from the ATL head out for their African adventure and Cynthia is making home videos of her and Nene with no makeup on, why I do not know, but excuse me while I go wash my eyes out with bleach.  After a 16-hour flight, they land safely and meet up with their tour guide and of course, Nene and Marlo are lagging behind with their enormous loads of luggage.  Apparently, they left their common sense back in the states because they can’t figure out the elevator.  Phaedra arranged for a penthouse for the night and everyone should have their own bedroom.  Marlo starts ranting about how she must have her own bathroom.  Phaedra is starting to get pissed off since Tagalong Marlo wasn’t even invited, she should be glad she has a place to stay at all.  Marlo decides to start asking etiquette questions and giving lessons.  The ladies find this hilarious given her criminal past.  “I doubt very seriously that Emily Post has a chapter in her book on aggravated assault,” said She by Shereé.  Nene is taking sheer joy in how annoyed Phaedra and She by Shereé are.

Once in the room, She by Shereé cracks a joke about how hard it will be to divide the group into the two suites, so she suggests that she and Nene share a room.  Once Nene realizes she is kidding, they bust out laughing.  Hmm…could this be the start of healing their relationship?  Marlo is being a full-throttle, pedal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ bitch to the concierge by demanding to know the housekeepers’ names, schedules, cell numbers, and medical histories.  Marlo must think she is Diana Ross or some shit.  Definitely a Diva-Don’t!

They start the next day with breakfast and Marlo continues her etiquette lessons and acting like she is living the life of the rich and famous.  Call Robin Leach out of retirement, Marlo is in Cape Town.  Cynthia actually had a good jab at Phaedra when she commented on Phaedra’s hot pink robe from Marshall’s.  Phaedra presents each of the ladies with a gift, except Marlo.  Of course, she doesn’t have a lovely engraved mirror for Marlo because Phaedra didn’t know she was coming.  She by Shereé already set up a dinner at her friend Kevin’s house and she only invited Phaedra and Kandi.  This whole breakfast scene is AWKWARD!  The Talls do a duck and move inside and start trashing the Smalls and Cynthia wasn’t anticipating shade so early in the morning.  For a full definition, see Season 2, Episode 7, “Throwing Shade”.

Meanwhile, back at the Barbie Dream House, Kim and Ariana continue to fawn over baby KJ as Kim’s parents arrive to make turkey meatballs for them.  Joe tells Kim about the heart-to-heart talk he had with Kroy and how happy he is for Kim.  Kim seems a bit annoyed by him and Ariana lets the goat out of the barn and tells Kim that Kroy is planning to buy a diamond ring.  This is all a bit anti-climactic since we know the two love-birds have already tied the knot.

The Smalls are on a bus waiting for the Talls to go on a boat ride.  The Talls finally arrive and the conversation on the bus ride centers around the group being divided.  They board the yacht and watch the sunset.  Kandi briefly discusses Apartheid with Phaedra.  And of course, being her normal drain on society, Marlo starts her etiquette shit again.  She discusses how to stand up properly and of course, she can’t do it and falls back in her seat.  The ladies go down into the cabin and Marlo starts in on Kandi saying she is unfriendly and blew her off at the mall.  Cynthia takes the opportunity to start in on Phaedra, but concedes that since the “double-date” all is good in da’ hood.  Nene follows suit and starts in on Phaedra too, but they are not sure they even have a beef.  Phaedra points out that “Hi costs nothing and we should be able to say hi.”  Somewhere Miss Joyce is stomping her wig wondering why she couldn’t get these twisted bitches to say hi to one another.  Cynthia gives a last call for issues and Marlo throws Nene and She by Shereé into the ring.  Nene talks about how she and Marlo just clicked.  Looks like Cynthia is being replaced.  Don’t worry Cynthia, it won’t be long before Nene pulls a bob-n-weave and has Marlo on the ground with her size 42 Loubouton heel thorough her Adam’s apple.

The Smalls are preparing to go to dinner at She by Shereé’s friend’s home.  Kandi asks the other smalls what they thought of the boat conversation and Phaedra says it was interesting, but adds that “I ain’t no booty licker…I don’t like salty butt.”  Uggh…they all agree that Marlo doesn’t know how to shut up.  Cynthia invites the Smalls to Nobu with the Talls even though they have plans.  She by Shereé decides to make it reeeal wild and invites only Tall Cynthia to Kevin’s since she is not joined at Nene’s hip.  Of course, Cynthia can’t leave well enough alone and she rushes back to the Talls and spews it all.  Marlo charges back over to the Smalls and goes mug shot crazy on She by Shereé and makes some comments that she really shouldn’t have.

The whole thing totally erupts and results in low blow after low blow.  Nene jumps in the middle to try and stop it.  She is so appalled and questions her own actions and if she looks that ridiculous during her arguments.  Yes, Nene, you do.  They have surpassed using indoor irrational skank voices.  Phaedra compares it to Mayweather vs. Pacquiao and She by Shereé would be Mayweather.

 I will quickly recap the argument:

“Fake and phony!”…“I didn’t know you were coming!”

“You don’t call me, what I gonna do?”…“That’s why you don’t have a man, go hang with those f**** with your ugly stupid ass!”

“Don’t go there honey…80 year old man!”…“Where’s your house at?  You got two cars no house!”

“You got condo and Astin Martin”…“Bitch paid for cash”

“You were at Onyx with drug dealers”…“You don’t know what I got”

“I don’t have to f*** to get bags and have old man pay for my house!”

“You returned yours!”…“One Rolex?  One Rolex?  One Rolex?”

“Your tag on your shirt, honey”… “Shut up Marlo!”

“Aston paid in cash, not repo’d not repo’d!”… “Mercedes paid in cash, not repo’d!”

“Paid in cash by 80 year old married man!”

“Not married, not married, not married!”

“Would you like to meet him so you can come up?”… “Maybe get your house built before you buy a new car.”

“You f**** a billionaire and you ain’t got a house!”

“I don’t have blow-up mattresses, my bed custom made”

“Everybody at Nieman Marcus talks about how you return stuff”

“You got it twisted honey!”

After that it just sounds like 10 pigeons being microwaved.  On a scale of one to Phaedra, this fight is an 11.  I have to give props to She by Shereé for giving Marlo the bidness.  Doesn’t Marlo know not to mess with her?  Heck…She by Shereé even has a hit single about how tough she is:

We will be back in a couple of weeks for Round 2!

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