Rocky Mountain Highs…and Lows, and a Side of Texas Toast

American Idol is getting away from it all in Aspen, CO tonight.  Steven is getting a headache from the altitude and he is asking if anyone has an “aspirin”…wink, wink.  The fans are out in droves and DAWG is hopeful that the fresh air will bring some fresh talent.  First up is a young snaggletooth music teacher, Jenni Schick.  Oh, big surprise, she’s in love with Steven.  She prods OHRS for a kiss and as we recall from last season, OHRS is a germophobe, so there is no way he’s laying his lips on her.  Who knows where her “Schick” has been.  She is dressed like an extra in a White Snake video and she tries her darndest to flirt with Steven, bound and determined to get that kiss.  She gets three yeses and of course, a rather disturbingly open-mouthed kiss on the lips from Steven.  Oh my precious Steven, I love you like cooked food, but I hope you did a herpes check.

Next up is Curtis Gray, a moppy headed young man who sings in his own band.  Judges love him and put him right through.  Richie Law is up next and is reminiscent of Scotty McCreary.  A very strong, low voice.  Devan Jones is next, and has a much higher voice, reminiscent of Seal.  Mathenee Treco delivers a version of “Hey Jude” that gets the judges singing along.

Tealana Hedgespeth (I’m sorry already) and her twin sister are at the auditions, but only Tealana is trying out and she is ready to break out from her sister’s shadow.  She is terrible and JHO whispers to Steven “if you ask her for another song, I’m gonna kill you.”  She is singing “Somebody Bring Me Some Water” and Steven and DAWG hold out their Coca Cola cups.  They tell her how cute and funny she is, but the singing isn’t there.  Her relatives tell her she’ll always be their idol.  Aww…I am sure she is amazing in her own special way, but that bumble bee yellow romper wasn’t doing her any favors.

Haley Smith is up next, she’s a log cabin girl and she’s got summer teeth.  Some are here, some are there…She has three jobs, the one most interesting is she is a vegetarian that works in a meat department making sausage.  OHRS asks her what’s in the sausage and she says “ground everything” blechhh.  Anyhoo, the judges lover her, she’s different, and she made it her own.

Alanna Sneer is up next and works at a restaurant which serves Rocky Mountain Oysters, which she explains are bull testicles.  Blech…can’t be any worse than the sausages Haley makes.  She sings terribly and Steven asks her if she has “eaten those prairie oysters”, which is a totally different thing…JFGI.  (Just F*ckin’ Google It).  She wants to sing something else, but they shut her down like the Golden Corral after a health inspection.

Shelby Tweten takes the stage next and her backstory is that she is bi-polar and suffers from depression.  Singing is the one thing that helps calm her…JHO goes crazy for her and DAWG sees potential.

We are treated to a string of bad audition clips, but up next is Jairon Jackson with an original piece he wrote himself.  He has a sweet voice and judges like his voice.  Yes, yes, and yes.  Angie Zeiderman is next, and she thinks she is the next Lady Gaga.  She calls herself a “Vintage Glitter Queen” and she attempts to wow the judges with a show tune.  She gets through and DAWG says she’s definitely in her own world.

Magic Cyclops is rounding out the Aspen stint.  He announces that he had to leave Davenport, IA due to gambling debt, he has 11,000 air guitars, and he only has 20 minutes before the security guards from the mental institution come a lookin’ for him.  Looks like he only has about 10 minutes before the crystal micro-dot wears off and he has to get back to running the Tilt-O-Whirl at the local state fair.  He belts out some Neil Diamond and it agitates the DAWG so much, he leaves to go take a dump and Steven must show him the door.

Houston, TX is the next stop for Idol and the first contestant is star struck by Steven.  Phong Vu is his name and sucking ass is his game.  He sings “Unbreak My Heart” by Toni Braxton, which is one of my favorite songs, and he totally slaughters it.  It’s like watching an animal being tortured.  Steven tells him he’s got the passion, but not the voice.  He wants to show them his iconic moves, but no dice.  Outside of the audition room, OHRS comments on how sweaty he is as Phong is handling him.  You can bet OHRS bolted off stage and had an immediate flea dip.

We are treated to a royal parade of cray cray and a bunch of Scotty McCreary wannabes.  Skylar Laine is up next and she is apparently an outdoorsy girl.  She rides a big ATV, she hunts deer…she shoots, she scores.  Judges love her and she’s in.

Baylie Brown is back, she tried out five years ago, but crashed and burned in the group auditions.  JHO has no hesitation and they all vote YES.  Kristine Osorio is up next and all her hopes and dreams are riding on this audition.  She gets right through and Texas is on a roll…

JHO is riled up because the boyz keep rejecting singers that she likes.  Linda Williams struts her stuff and Steven loves her.  Linda says she’s about to pee herself and Steven tells her “go right ahead.”  JHO thinks she’s in the twilight zone, the boyz are all over this chick.  The hair and makeup team descends upon Steven and JHO and DAWG is just standing around…because Black don’t crack!

Next up is Alejandro Cazares, as he is picking his teeth, he can’t wait to blow the judges away.  He’s riling up the crowd before he goes in, he’s ready to bring revolution to the world.  They tell him “NO”, but he begs for a chance and wants to be like Steven.  Alejandro makes a comment about how Steven wrote “Dream On” before Aerosmith even formed.  DAWG shoots him down and tells him the voice is terrible, no career in singing for you.  Steven finds the opportunity to sling one of his jokes and says he wrote “Dream On” when the dead sea was still sick.  Uck uck uck.  This guy is so bat shit crazy that security has to escort him out.  Since they are in Texas, Dr. Phil is standing by to snap up the mental hot messes becasue he needs guests for his talk show.  I think he might say something like this to our revolutionary Alejandro:

DAWG and Steven are going crazy over JHO in her belly shirt.  Hey, she’s not tied down to Skeletor Marc Anthony anymore, she needs to have a little fun.  They settle in for the first up, Cortez Shaw.  DAWG prematurely holds up his diva hand and JHO smacks him down.  Cortez butters DAWG up just right and he is through.

Julie Shuman is next and let’s just say, this is really where the rubber meets the road.  Her rubber outfit is making so much noise with every move, and she’s terrible to rubber boot.

A few more wild and sloppy auditions give the DAWG a case of the giggles.  Steven is wiping his face on OHRS’ tie.  They need a miracle…Ramiro Garcia is up next and we learn that he was born with no ears and he went through several surgeries so he could hear and speak.  Judges are spellbound.  Outside of the audition room, OHRS comforts the father when he gets emotional.  Ramiro gets a golden ticket and we end in Houston on a high note.

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