Let’s Just Pretend the X-Factor Never Happened, MMMKAY?

American Idol season 11 is here, we are treated to a montage of small toddlers watching Kelly Clarkson take the first AI win, and it was then that dreams were born.  OHRS (Our Host Ryan Seacrusty) has emerged from his hyperbaric chamber to once again host us through the journey.  Steven is back with craziness in full force, JHO with her skimpy outfits, and last but not least our DAWG.  The last of the original Mohicans.  We start the search in Savannah, Georgia and singing hopefuls arrive in droves to wow the judges.  Steven arrives lookin’ like a catfish, tranny, eccentric pimp, but let’s just be grateful that he’s got the moobs under wraps.  In case you missed it…

First up is David Leathers, a.k.a. “Mr. Steal Your Girl”.  Now the young lad says he’s 17 years old, but he looks about 12.  At first I thought it was Astro from the X-Factor, but thank goodness it’s not.  I’ve had enough of him…but anyway…he’s floating around the holding area trying to be cool and pick up girls, but he just doesn’t fit the part.  He apparently competed with Scotty McCreary in a local contest and he won.  Maybe this kid can blow…we shall see…he tells the DAWG he gets his nickname because when he sings, the girls swoon.  Something Steven can surely relate to.  He sounds like young Michael Jackson, they all love it, three yeses!  He actually seems like a really sweet kid.

Gabby Carrubba is up next and she’s shakin’ like a Mexican washing machine.  She is a tap dancer to boot.  Well if she doesn’t make it here she can try out for “So You Think You Can Dance.”  She chats with OHRS about Steven’s facial expressions and they contemplate what he sees in his head when he closes his eyes…a squirrel waterskiing, a hula hooping monkey, a fat guy getting shot in the stomach with a cannon ball, the possibilities are endless.  She goes in to the audition and wants to hug Nigel Lithgoe.  I called it, “So You Think You Can Dance” is her backup plan!  She busts out some Maroon Five and she gets the face of approval from Steven.  They all love her and she is through!

A few more Georgia hopefuls get through and the city proves to be a success.  Jessica Whitely is up next and she has a very odd speaking voice and a horrifying singing voice to match.  She sounds like Grover from Sesame Street…wow…just wow!  DAWG looks like someone just blew the cheese off his cracker, not pleased.  Everyone is speechless and DAWG tells her it’s awful and this is not her thing.  She thinks she is just dehydrated, DAWG tells her it’s not remotely good, and she says “see you in Texas”.  JHO feels bad and wants the Fox intern to tell her not to make the drive.

Some contestants are vying for Ryan’s job and they are doing some impersonations.  A contestant name Shaun shows up looking like a Ryan wannabe, but there’s nothing like the real thing.  Judges gave him an A for effort and sent him on his way.  Shannon Magrane shows up next and her father was a pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals.  The judges ask her to bring in her family and a parade of young ladies comes in and the DAWG is thrilled to meet the dad.  Dad asks Steven how Beantown is and he says “hot, humid, and happenin’…just like your daughter”.  Err…considering she hasn’t auditioned yet and she’s only 15, I think we have our first Paula Abdul-esque scandalous moment here…sponsored by Coca Cola.  She starts singing with her whole family awkwardly standing there and her stage mom is behind her signing and dancing along.  DAWG calls mom out on the singing along and he gives Shannon props for having “nerves of steel”.  Three yeses.

The next string of clips are some pretty bad auditions, then a girl named Amy Brumfield from Tennessee comes in and she tells the judges she lives in a tent in the woods.  Is that sort of like living in a van down by the river?  She gives the cameras a tour and it’s a bit disgusting, there are a few hep-C infested mattresses on the ground, a dog, and some shelled out old cabinetry.  Judges seem to like her voice, Steven loves the fact that she’s a “hippsie” and lives in the woods.  They give her a chance, she’s like a poor woman’s version of Crystal Bowersox.

Joshua Chavis is up next and he expresses his adoration for JHO and he comes in to the audition room and warms up by screaming and bumping into things.  He’s terrible and JHO tries to let him down easy, DAWG tries to give his opinion and Joshua breaks out into another song.  It’s just wrong on so many levels.  He’s in tears outside of the audition room, screaming obscenities at the cameras, his ride is waiting, it’s a Huff and he’s gonna leave in it.

Stephanie Renae is up next and she aspires to be the next Carrie Underwood, hmmm…big shoes…big shoes.  I am not too impressed, she has a lot of work to do and she’s a bit shaky.  JHO thinks she is a bit nasaly, DAWG recommends vocal lessons, and Steven is all about the inflections.  She gets two yeses, so she gets by.  Schyler Dixon is up next, who auditioned with her brother Colton last year.  Her brother is not trying out, but the judges convince him to audition.  She sings first and then Colton gives it a go…Schyler is in the corner looking a bit miffed that he is stealing her thunder.  Judges want both of them and Schyler looks like she wants to totally shank him.

We are treated to the token sobbing montage with all the wayward contestants.  Lauren Mink is up next and she works with disabled adults, so she’s already a shoe in.  JHO has goose bumps, and she’s in.

Day two in Savannah arrives and the contestants are all roasting in the hot sun.  I don’t even want to imagine the unidentifiable smells comin’ offa that crowd.  The judges prepare and Steven and DAWG require more makeup than JHO, which doesn’t surprise me about Steven, but I always thought black didn’t crack!  A young man named Mawunea Kodjo from South Africa is up next to sing some country for us.  Something tells me he may be this season’s William Hung.  Sho’ nuff right…he’s terrible.  Steven gives him credit for his confidence and DAWG tells him it’s really terrible, bad.  DAWG challenges him to find some people that think he’s good.  OHRS takes him to the streets and the return with some little girls and an older man who think he’s great.  They still give him a “no” and tell the girls to have their mom’s wash the wax out of their ears.

Next up is Ashlee Altise and she looks like a hot bag of mess.  She has her own dance called the “Joy Hop”.  She breaks out into song and the judges think she’s just crazy enough to go through.

Another string of Savannah rejects are sent packing.  They show us a special story about W.T. Thompson, who quit his job to audition and he’s got a baby on the way.  JHO wants to take a chance, but the boyz aren’t down.  W.T. promises DAWG that he’ll work hard and make him proud, so they give him a shot.

The final segment of the night is dedicated to the young ladies who lust after Steven.  The man is 65, has moobs, and the ladies still love him.  He’s kissin’ babies like a politician.  One girl named Erica Nowak thinks Steven is her future ex-husband.  I think his fiancée, Erin Brady may have something to say about that.  Erica says she would kiss his feet “or anything else for that matter”…really Erica, you seen those mangled hammer toes?  In case you missed it…

She gets a hug and she grabs his ass.  She is just downright terrible, Steven says the best note she hit was when she grabbed his ass.  She gives DAWG a hug and once again a good ol’ fashioned grab ass.

NBA dancer Brittany Kerr is up next and Steven is in her corner before she even speaks.  DAWG is equally as in love.  JHO gives her a no, but the boys are smitten kittens.  JHO gives her a week.  The final audition for the day is Phillip Phillips.  He works at a pawn shop and the play him some Sanford and Son theme music.  He comes in with a guitar, so you know he will probably be good, aaaannnnd…he’s pretty unique.  Steven deems him “Casey with a lightning rod”.  Judges love, love, love and he gets yeses across the board.

Audition night #2 starts in Pittsburgh with Heejun Han who doesn’t seem to have a ton of confidence and his friends tell OHRS that they have never heard him sing.  He’s not bad and the judges really like him, yeses across the board.  Reed Grimm is next and he’s been on stage since he was two years old.  He was quirky, unexpected, and they send him through.

Golden tickets were a-flyin’ until the two sisters arrived.  One sister is planking while the other sings, which is a bit odd, but it worked because the judges love the singing sister.  Creighton Fraker is up next and he signs an original song he just wrote.  JHO seems to like him a lot and he reminds her of someone, but she can’t place it.  He makes crazy faces and sings with his eyes shut, but they love him and he’s through.

Sidebar:  These auditions are proving to be quite boring, it makes me miss snarky Simon and his tight grey sweaters.

Next up is a young boy named Eben Franckewitz, I think he’s pretty good, but he’s got some growing to do.  Judges put him through and plan to work him to the bone.  Travis Orlando is back to try again, but JHO doesn’t see him coming out all the way.  He breaks down and tells the judges he dropped out of high school, his mom left the family, and he’s back in the shelter with his dad and brother.  He’s the makings of a country song.  Judges give him a chance, but he’s gotta work hard.

Steven and DAWG treat the crowd to an impromptu performance of “Pink” while they wait for JHO to get her ass out of hair and makeup.  The first girl they see is a wedding singer named Erika Van Pelt and the boys love her.  Steven says “Pelt can belt!”

Next up is a coal miner, Shane Bruce, he says he’s singing a the song “that goes Hallelujah from Shrek”.  JHO makes a face like she’s annoyed that he thinks the song is from Shrek.  He knows that he bombed, DAWG tells him to do the work and gives him props for knowing that he needs work.  The last girl Hallie Day has a sad back story and she’s here to redeem herself.  They send her through immediately.

An agonizing night #3 begins an hour delay due to the football game.  Can…barely…muster…up…strength…to…say…anything…interesting…about…auditions…

Sidebar:  Hey, my man Steven is taking a lot of heat this week for his rendition of the national anthem.  I didn’t think it was that bad, cut the guy a break…did you see his moobs?  His jacked up toes?  And how could we forget his run in with a Paraguaryan bath tub???  In case you missed it…

Cut the guy some slack people…now onward

They are aboard the U.S.S. Midway in San Diego.  One complication, they can’t hear very well with the planes flying overhead.  First contestant is Jennifer Diley she’s dressed in a red and white striped bikini top and what could best be described as blue junderpants that are beyond obscene.  Camel toe would be putting it mildly.  OHRS makes her do a retake of her walking up the stairs so he can look at her ass cheeks.  Steven tells her it’s against the law to be so cute and DAWG dives over the table with a muzzle.  Steven says she lacks fire and DAWG and JHO tell her that the outfit doesn’t matter, the voice has to speak for itself.  She insists on singing another song and she still stinks.  Bikini girl 2.0 crashes and burns.  In case you missed it…

Ashley Robles is up next, she’s a single mom working many jobs in search of an opportunity for a better life.  She kisses up a bit by saying that she sings JHO’s songs to her daughter.  The girl actually sings the shit out of the Whitney Houston song, judges are floored, it’s a resounding YES!  This is actually the first contestant that really wowed me…I see her going pretty far.

Jayrah Gibson is up next and he is sooooo excited to be there.  Judges seem to like him, they let him sing for awhile, he’s okay, but I’m not goin’ donuts over him.  He’s through to Hollywood.  A string of others go through, but next girl featured is Aubrey Deckmeyer.  She talks about being America’s Next Top Model.  Apparently, she doesn’t know what show she is auditioning for.  First of all, she would never make it on America’s Next Top Model.  She’s too short, very commercial looking, and EVERYBODY KNOWS that ANTM is looks for edgy, editorial models.  But I digress…She’s a wee bit valley girl and Steven has fun with that, but he likes her voice.  JHO and DAWG are aboard as well and she’s in.  Looks like she won’t be SMIZING for Tyra.  Work it guuurrrlll….

The next girl to audition had written a song for Ellen DeGeneres and was subsequently invited on the Ellen show.  Ali Shields is her name and she professes her love for Steven.  Get in line sweet cakes…  She busts out a rap song and DAWG asks her to do a ghetto dance and she squats down like she’s busting a deuce and shakes her booty.  She sings another song and the judges find her to be unique and they like her personality.  DAWG says she’s crazy enough to make it.

The second day begins on the ship and Kyle Crews is up first and he presents himself to be quite the ladies’ man.  He’s ready to serenade JHO and the judges are enjoying him.  Steven says he’s that best male they have heard yet and Kyle is stunned.  They tell him to lose the lumberjack shirt and he’s through.

OHRS comments that all of the noises are aiding in the censoring of Steven.  Line of the night “I went through four hours of f*cking hair and makeup to listen to this bullsh!t?”  True dat…where are all the hot ass messes this season???

Next up is another young girl, but not just any girl, but Jim Carey’s daughter, Jane.  JHO has a blast from the past because she remembers her as a little baby when JHO was a Fly Girl on “In Living Color”, a show that Jim Carrey was on.  DAWG likes the “PO-tential” and JHO needs her to connect with the audience more.  Of course she gets through an DAWG sends a message to her dad “tell him to holla at the DAWG!”

Next up is the Wolf Man, Jason Hamlin.  He makes OHRS look very small.  He brings his “Git-Fiddle” with him, which his father made for him.  Steven asks him to sing something else and play the git-fiddle, judges love and Wolf is going to Hollywood.

That’s all for this week’s auditions, if they are going to scale back on the talentless psychopaths, then we need to see some singers who really blow our junderpants off!!!  Next stop…Aspen…


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