Packin’ Heat and Beatin’ Feet

Kim and Kroy arrive at Sharp Shooters so they can start KJ early on his gun hobby.  Kim is tickled pink over the pink firearms.  Kroy boasts about his gun knowledge and he wants Kim to learn how to shoot.  The salesperson takes Kim to the simulator and she is locked, cocked and ready to rock.  She’s shooting, dropping f’ bombs, she’s a natural!  Look out…Kimmie’s got a gun.  The salesperson calls her a “pistol packin’ mama”.  Kim tells the camera she is not sure how she feels about guns, but the gun is pink so it’s all good in da’ hood!

Cynthia and Peter are meeting Phaedra and Apollo for lunch because they need to have a “funeral to die for” in order to bury the baby shower hatchet.  In a “World According to Phaedra” moment, she comments that it is a “hot in yo’ panties” kind of day.

Translation:  It’s hot in Haterville and Phaedra needs a fluff-n-freshen…STAT!  Peter asks Apollo about his booming career in Asset Recovery and Cynthia interprets Apollo’s answer to mean he is a repo man.  She brings up the funeral business and Phaedra suggests Cynthia may want to do makeup for the corpses.  They all have a chuckle and Cynthia segues into asking them how they balance their relationship.  Apollo admits that they argue and flashes his tattoo and says Phaedra bit him.  Cynthia asks Phaedra how old she is after Apollo freely states that he’s only 32.  Phaedra is reluctant but answers that there is 5 ½ years between them.  Well we know damn well she ain’t no 27 so Phaedra must be 37.  She’s a wee bit offended and changes the subject to the trip she is planning to South Africa.  The men and children will stay behind so the girls can rip each other’s weaves out in peace.  Cynthia calls her master Nene to give a full report about the lunch meeting and she tells Nene about the trip.  Nene says she “wouldn’t go to the damn trash can with them”.  Sidebar:  We all know that Phaedra has nothing to do with this trip and it’s all Bravo’s grand master plan to send the ladies to Africa in hopes of more television gold like the got when they sent the Housewives of New York to Morocco.  That footage of Countess Luann getting bucked by a camel was priceless…that shit never gets old.  But I digress…

Nene arrives to meet her business partner John and a team of experts prepared to make the Nene lounge a reality.  They show her a few ideas and the project manager hones in and says “seems like you like things that are a bit dramatic.”  Really, ya’ think????  Nene says she wants all of the luxury, but for cheap.  John quickly tells her to remove the word “cheap” from her vocabulary and tells her to say “value”.  He estimates the lounge will cost about one million dollars, but since they are partners, Nene will only have to front half the money.  Celebrity Apprentice must pay well.  John wants to celebrate the deal by giving her another pair of red bottoms.  She opens the Louboutin box and the shoes are black spiked 8” heels.  Nene says “they’re hot”, John adds “just like the woman that’s going to wear them!”  Uggh…he’s so disgusting.  Nene admits she’s uncomfortable, but she’ll still take the shoes and run.

Kandi and Phaedra go to an African dance class to get in the mood for the Africa trip.  How fitting…Kandi admits she can’t dance and she ain’t lyin’.  Now Phaedra on the other hand can shake that donkey booty like nobody’s bidness.  The group goes into a free for all and Phaedra is rockin’ da stank face and all.  Before they leave, Kandi whips out her blackberry phone and shows Phaedra 7 mug shots of Marlo.  She said Marlo was busted for hangin’ orphan paper and the most recent charge was aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, she tried to stab someone.  Phaedra is a bit surprised but as a lawyer, I would think she would’ve been snooping around on Miss Marlo, plus Phaedra is just nosy.  Phaedra says she can’t really judge her due to the fact that she herself married a convict, but when women get into crime it scares her.  Kandi now understands why Marlo was so combative and now she will be ready in case Marlo tries to shank her.

Kim goes to visit her psychic, Rose.  She was the one who predicted Kim would have a baby boy before she and Kroy even met.  She reads Kim’s palm and she sees good fortune and another baby girl for her, but she predicts the pregnancy will be difficult.  Rose also sees marriage for Kim and Kroy, well we already know that did happen.  She then reads KJ’s tiny palms and predicts he’ll be a pimp.  Rose says that Kroy is a worrier but he’s got travel coming up for work and she also sees envy and negativity around Kim.  Hey, big pimpin’ ain’t easy…

Just when I thought I wasn’t going to have to see She by Shereé, there she is.  She and Phaedra are at an African museum and they engage in an activity which can best be explained as mannequin molestation.  They are fondling this slave mannequin figure, and laughing their asses off as Phaedra peeks under the loin cloth to see if he’s packin’ heat.  But she discovers he is not ReDICKulous.  They commence the tour and they are still salivating over the mannequin.  Phaedra must be on drugs or some shit, she tells the tour guide she is a “connoisseur of artistic nudity.”  Crickets…and the tour guide pretends she didn’t see or hear anything.  She quickly directs them to the gift shop where they purchase some books.  Phaedra asks She by Shereé if she’s game for the Africa trip if Nene goes…annnd crickets.  She by Shereé thinks they can put their differences aside for the trip and she wouldn’t pass up the experience.  Phaedra thinks they will all bond, but I think the wig fur will be flying before they leave the Tarmac.

In a funny aside, they show a short clip after the commercial break of Phaedra trying to call “His Excellency”, President of Ghana from her freakin’ cell phone.  He tells her she is breaking up and she says “can you hear me now?”  Classic cornball.  Like she wouldn’t have used a land line to call freakin’ Africa??? 

Kandi is hosting a dinner and the ladies arrive one by one.  Mama Joyce arrives with her groovy “Three’s Company” style wig and Kandi hopes the girls will behave in front of Mama.  Kim is last to arrive and Nene pretends to be looking at her phone so she can ignore Kim.  Mama Joyce starts her mother mucking meddling and she calls them out on the fact that half of them are barely speaking.  She wants Kim and Nene to air kiss and make up, but Nene would rather drink Dwight Eubanks’ ball sweat before making up with Kim.  

Mama compares them to school kids and encourages them to dig deep and get over the pettiness.  Mama Joyce tries to get them to all say “hi” to one another and on a scale of 1 to Phaedra, the tension is at an Atomic Phaedra.  Nene Leakes literally leaks sour grapes.  Kandi brings up the Africa trip and Nene says she isn’t interested in going.  Mama Joyce keeps pushing the Nene/Kim feud, but she apparently drank too much wine by accident.  Nene says she and Kim will never be friends again.  Awwww, Mama Joyce sad.  Kim equated it to a divorce and tried to explain to Mama that her attempts are feckless, but ended up conceding to a “never say never” to appease Mama.  Kim high tails it out of there and says she has to leave to “pump her boobies”.  Mama Joyce is too funny, she asks Nene if what she had was alcohol, and it was.  Mama Joyce inadvertently got tipsy at the dinner table, no wonder she was getting all sappy and meddlesome.  She by Shereé also beats feet out of the restaurant faster than shit through a short dog.  She catches up to Kim in time to talk trash about Nene in the parking lot.  Kandi asks Nene if she can try to talk with Kim and She by Shereé, but it’s not gonna happen.  Nene does, however agree to think about going on the Africa trip and based on previews for next week, not only does Nene go on the trip, but she rolls up with none other than some Marlo stuffed in her carry on.


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