We Be Ballin’

 

She by Shereé arrives at the office of Legal Mullet at Large, Phaedra “Pit Bull” Parks.  She by Shereé has been SERVED.  Bob is filing for a modification of the Hermes handbag child support amount he owes based on his reduced income.  Dressing up as the “Liberty Tax Service” mascot doesn’t pay as well as the NFL.  Phaedra basically tells her that this will open up litigation (cha-ching) and Phaedra presents her with options.  She by Shereé refuses to do anything that will result landing Bob in jail.  She would rather tie herself up in litigation, but she fears the courts will side with famous NFL baller Bob.

Speaking of ballers, “Kandi Coated Nights” is underway on the new set and NFL baller Charles Grant and Marlo Hampton are her guests.  The topic is “How to Hook a Baller”, which she thinks is appropriate because many of her ATL cohorts, including She by Shereé, Kim, and Nene, have been involved with “ballers”.  Kandi asks Charles what it takes to hook a baller and he says that women in Atlanta are selling their soul too fast and people are pretentious.  He don’t want no woman with a Gucci purse, red bottoms on her shoes, and then see her get into a Honda Civic.  That’s a poser if I have ever seen one!  Kandi asks Marlo how she got her game up and she says “God.”  Kandi says to the camera that the rumor is Marlo had an ol’ white sugar-daddy before she got with Charles.  Kandi doesn’t really get her answer because Marlo has no conceivable talent.  Maybe Marlo called her ol’ white sugar-daddy “God”.

Kim and Kroy are tending to Kroy Jagger Jr. and prepping him for his first car ride home.  Kim is a worried mom, her va-jay-jay hurts and she is worrying that the seatbelt is hurting KJ’s wiener.  Sweetie greets her at home and asks “why you walkin’ like dat?”  Kim graciously explains “because I just popped an 8 pound kid outta my twat.”  Mini-dog Chanel doesn’t really seem to like KJ, all of the attention is gone.  She immediately retaliates by peeing on the carpet while KJ takes a gargantuan tar-baby dump in his diaper.

Cynthia and Nene go shopping at a vintage shop and Nene is disgusted because she doesn’t like wearing other peoples clothes.  Cynthia starts picking things out and she finds this horrendous baby blue lace dress and wants Nene to buy it.  It’s hideous, it looks like the dress Jill wore to go up the hill to fetch a pail of water.  That shit ain’t right.  Nene agrees to try on a sparkly top, which is the perfect time for Cynthia to bring up the subject of what Charles said on Kandi Coated Nights.  He said that he and Nene were never in a relationship and only went on one date.  Nene says that is correct and that Charles “ain’t neva gonna get dis Hello Kitty.”  Ugg…I think a better term would be “Goodbye Donkey”.  Cynthia laughs at Nene and for a split second, she reveals some Jurassic Park action going on with her teeth.  She must be on the Jessica Simpson dental plan.  Cynthia talks up Marlo and says Nene would like her, she is fun, fashionable, and fabulous.  Is this foreshadowing?  Maybe Marlo will replace Yawns by Shereé.

She by Shereé arrives at Phaedra’s house in her new Porsche, and Phaedra doesn’t think it’s too smart of She by Shereé to buy these things if she is trying to get back Louboutin child support.  She by Shereé has brought some outfits over to model for the court date.  Game time…let’s play “Who Gonna Judge Me, Boo?”  Phaedra advises against any designer duds and tries to steer She by Shereé to the right choices, she says it can’t be “Dolce”, how about Nolce!  If She by Shereé needs to appear broke, she should wear her own fashion line.  The first outfit is no good because the donkey booty is out of control.  They agree on a plain pair of pants that don’t bring so much attention to the badonkadonk.  She by Shereé is a perfect example of the pretentious ATL woman Charles Grant spoke to Kandi about.  Obsessed with labels, material things, and status.

Kandi meets with a woman named Suki from OhMiBod.  Awww…Suki Suki now!  They discuss the adult toys and they may be working together because they already have the technology to make the toys move to music.  They take a gander at a few favorites and Kandi is excited about the opportunity.

Meanwhile, Kim is fawning over KJ and snaps at Brielle for sneezing.  She is barking commands at Sweetie to wash her wigs.  Sweetie starts with “Debbie” in the sink with the Pantene.  Kim starts to lecture Brielle about being a good big sister and brings up an incident where she stabbed Ariana in the hand with a fork.  Brielle says it “was in the heat of the moment” and “it wasn’t a fork it was a spork.”  Well, that makes it excusable.  Kim glares at her with the death stare, and they both continue to micromanage Sweetie while she washes “Debbie”.  Sweetie puts a bit of olive oil on the wig and Kim wigs out!  Kim is very cranky, who rubbed salt in her episiotomy?  She finally gives Sweetie an “E for Effort” and then Brielle says “Effort starts with A” that’s why the saying is “A for Effort”.  OHMYLANTA.

Phaedra arrives at her office and her assistants Steven and Latoya are at her service.  Latoya gives her the lowdown about getting the check from She by Shereé.  It basically sounds like a scavenger hunt, and Latoya still has no check.  Phaedra wants her $5,000 retainer, after all, She by Shereé carries a $10,000 handbag!  Finally, Phaedra’s other assistant, Brandon, arrives with the check after running all over the ATL to find She by Shereé.  Hmmm…She by She-shady!

Kim’s parents come to visit the new baby and Kim’s dad Joe is full of questions about breastfeeding.  Can we say creepy?  Joe starts riding Brielle about helping out and babysitting.  Brielle doesn’t seem to thrilled, I’m sure this will blow up at some point.  Kim keeps going on and on about how she is afraid of the baby’s penis.  This is so bizarre, that’s an area Kim has always known her way around.  Chanel has another accident in the house and Kim’s mom starts lecturing the dog.

She by Shereé arrives at court and her mom, Thelma, shows up for moral support.  Bob is representing himself and Phaedra thinks that is a good strategy to make it look like he has no money.  He also shows up to court “a hot mess.”  She by Shereé says Bob is smart, he went to Stanford, he knows how to look up things on the internet, but this is why he should get his ass a job.  Bob has filed a petition for contempt and Phaedra is not aware of it.  The case is continued to a later date and Phaedra states this is just a stall tactic.  Bob leaves the courtroom and gives Thelma a big hug and a kiss and she reciprocates!  They leave the courthouse and Bob sticks his tongue out at She by Shereé.  Real mature.

Phaedra meets Kandi at the Wahoo Grill for dinner.  She by Shereé joins them, but she is all sour grapes over Phaedra’s lackluster performance in the courtroom earlier that day.  Phaedra is trying to delicately address She by Shereé about this, something tells me these two are going to fista cuffs over this.  She by Shereé is basically inferring that Bob beat Phaedra to the punch and Phaedra says “oh he’s just filing things, willy nilly.”  She by Shereé gives a big eye-roll.  On a scale of one to Phaedra, the tension is a about a 7.  She by Shereé seems to be forgetting that she didn’t commit to Phaedra to proceed and then she sent two of Phaedra’s staffers scouring the ATL for the damn retainer check.  The whole thing is a fuster cluck, and listening to She by Shereé whine about it is getting old.

Next time…it looks like We Be Brawlin’…nobody, and I mean NOBODY is getting along.  It’s a full fight card with She by Shereé vs. Phedra, Peter vs. Cynthia, Kim vs. Kandi, and Kim vs. Nene.

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