Moves Like Jagger

It’s delivery day at the Zolciak household and Kim is locked, cocked, and ready to rock.  (Not in that particular order).  Sweetie is on wig duty as she ushers Kim out the door with her supplies.  Kim has preeclampsia and the doctor wants to induce labor.  Kroy is not looking forward to all of the yelling and Kim gives him the blanket disclaimer that she won’t be responsible for any of the rotten shit she says to him.  She knows it won’t be a picnic, it will be “like a Mack truck drivin’ through your hoo ha.”  She starts accusing Kroy of not being nervous enough and they get into a debate about how Kroy is reacting.  He likens it to a football game and Kim goes off the rails.

She by Shereé and her mother, Thelma, are exploring the future location of Chateau Shereé.  She fills her in about Bob and the lack of child support and Thelma tells She by Shereé a story about when she was 7 years old and her father didn’t pay child support.  She by Shereé reflects about how all she wanted was a “Speak-n-Spell” toy for Christmas, but he never got it for her.  Looks like She by Shereé learned the life lesson of “Empty Promises” that year.  On a serious note, it’s actually quite sad, because that is the one thing She by Shereé still remembers about her father.  With that, Thelma helps She by Shereé see that the cycle is repeating and she needs to drag Bob’s balls through glass and take him to court.  I smell the deft legal stylings of Phaedra “Pit Bull” Parks coming on…

Nene and Cynthia hit New York and settle into their hotel room to sort out their plans.  Nene plans to meet with her business partner, John, who owns Famous Famiglia Pizza.  Nene contends that John wants to hook up with her, but she is not interested.  Cynthia is going to meet Russell Simmons and she is claiming that he proposed to her at one point.  So Cynthia will visit an old flame and Nene may be starting a new flame.

Phaedra is heading into court and she is confident she will be successful because she knows the judge.  Her client, Dave, is late and he walks into the courtroom chanting “superstar lawyer” and he is charged with excessive window tint and possession of less than an ounce of marijuana.  He has also can’t pass a sobriety test and has priors, so Phaedra knows the judge may put the hammer down, but since he knows Phaedra, he lets the kid off the hook with a hefty fine and 6 months’ probation.  They go out to the parking lot and he is still driving around with the excessive window tint.  He also pays Phaedra in cash, so my guess is there is some shady activity afoot!

Meanwhile, back in New York, Cynthia arrives at Russell’s office.  I am not sure what is up with Cynthia’s librarian look, maybe she thinks it makes her look smart.  They discuss their relationship and how Russell cheated on her 20-some years ago, all while Russell signs books, talks to his receptionist, and listens to Cynthia’s pitch about conducting a model search.  Russell finds some holes in her concept and gives her a new name instead of being a modeling agency, it should be a school of fashion so that Cynthia won’t have to throw out the chubby kids.  He tells Cynthia that she doesn’t age and if she was single he’d hit that shit.

Kim and Kroy arrive at the hospital and Kim is wiggin’ out, literally.  She lies to the nurse and says she doesn’t smoke and they question her about wearing the wig and she has no plans to take it off.  They ask her about psychological illnesses and Kroy chuckles.  At least he knows what he’s getting into.  They administer the epidural and Kim is on the way to the happy place.  Kroy has total game face on and Kim demands a large diet lemonade.

Kandi and Mama Joyce are getting together to prep Mama Joyce for a photo shoot for on-line dating site.  Mama Joyce is cramming herself into some spanx like a stuffed sausage.  Kandi sets the makeup gun to “A-MAN-ta in Atlanta”, because Mama Joyce says she feels like a drag queen.  Kandi shoots Mama J. on top of a muscle car…hot mama…hot wheels…annnnnnnnnnnnd it’s a wrap!

She by Shereé arrives back home to a petition for modification of child support from Bob.  She calls Thelma for a quick gut check.  Thelma gives her the responsibility talk and how Bob is setting a bad example and prompts She by Shereé to go to court.  Sounds like a case for Phaedra, Legal Mullet at Large.

Nene meets with John for a romantic business dinner.  He tries to pitch “Lenethia’s Lounge”.  Great, open up another bar doomed to fail.  John butters her up and puts the moves on her like the total chach bag that he is.  She is clearly annoyed with him and he keeps trying to impersonate her.  He’s doing the “mmmmm…hmmmm” complete with head bob-n-weave.  He couldn’t look dopier and whiter if he tried.  Nene plays the “recently separated” card and knocks back 18 glasses of champagne.

He keeps calling himself a “real man” and he feeds her some tainted clams casino.  She is about to blow chunks and he whips out a Tiffany box.  She opens it up and it’s a pen for her to sign her first deal with him.  He thinks that Nene has a license to print money.  I think he wants to make it rain up in here.  She seems a bit relieved, but then he takes her outside for “dessert” and presents her with some Loubouton “pay me” heels.  He clearly wants to deliver something to Nene in 30 minutes or less (thank you, Andy Cohen).  Then some other older dude comes up and gives her some schpeel and starts serenading her.  Nene finally concedes and admits she does like him.  I smell a Sugar Daddy…

Cynthia meets up with Kithe, her stylist.  He has lost 82 pounds and Cynthia is swooning.  He asks her how she is handling life in the ATL, but Kithe pegs the ATL ladies as materialistic label-lovin’ hos.  He starts lecturing her about how she needs to make progress and it gets all serious.  Cynthia starts to get a little veklempt and she says she is constantly doing damage control with Peter.  Alas, she stands by her man and she has no choice but to turn things around even though she only feels alive in New York.  They finish up their heart to heart and he tells her to stop dumbing herself down for the ATL crowd.

Kim’s daughters arrive to visit her in the delivery room.  Kim is now trying to keep her game face on so the girls don’t have to see her freaking out from the pain.  The girls are yammering on with their own philosophies about how this birth should go and Kim is hurtin’ and wants them out of there more than she wants the baby out.  Dr. Hood comes in to take a look under Kim’s hood and he says if “she’s not cussin’, she’s not ready.”  Moments later, Kroy Jagger Bierman, Junior is on the scene, so Kim came through everything okay, wig intact.  Kroy is amazed and the girls are thrilled.  We flash back to when Kim went to the palm reader and she predicted another baby boy for her.  Unbeweaveable!

A special episode airs again on Tuesday where it looks like She by Shereé is getting her donkey booty handed to her on a platter in court.

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