Bar None…Done Dollar

Kandi is at her boutique, “Tags”, and Phaedra is at the door knocking on the door with her hoof because her hands are full.  She comes bearing gifts again, which can only mean one thing…a half-donkey-assed apology for the ReDICKulous incident the other night.  Kandi says that Mama Joyce is still upset, but Kandi and Phaedra still firmly believe that everyone should see ReDICKulous at least once in a lifetime.  They believe he belongs in the “Ripley’s Believe it or Not” museum and Phaedra maintains that he is incredibly talented.  Phaedra also says that if she had his talent, she would never go to work.  The two enjoy a piece of cake and discuss the peculiar response to the stripper from Nene.  Phaedra can’t get over it, she says “you showed your cervix for a quarter, child.”  They find her reaction contradictory and mention that Nene is hosting Peter’s party for “Bar One”.  Phaedra says Peter “could make a dollar out of fifteen cents, the man’s a pimp”, and despite their differences she loves a man with some Hustle.  Well no shit, Phaedra.  You married an ex-con.

Cynthia is at the International Interior Design Fashion Show and she will be the emcee.  Apollo and Phaedra arrive to show support and they have made amends with Cynthia and Peter.  Lawrence also arrives looking very interesting in his 6” stilettos and a chain necklace hooked from ear to ear, and correct me if I am wrong, but it looks like he’s wearing “mom jeans”.  Cynthia totally sucks and cannot speak in public whatsoever.  The only thing worse than her speaking is the actual fashions that look like bad home-ec projects gone horribly awry.  She by Shereé also makes an appearance and she and Phaedra blow bubbles up Cynthia’s butt about how wonderful she is.  Phaedra gives us more words of wisdom…everybody knows…you want to look at models, not listen to them.

Enter friends of Phaedra’s, Marlo and Charles.  She knows them from the Badonkadonk Workout World and they are a “Power Couple”.  Marlo is a skanklet socialite and Charles is an NFL player.  She by Shereé knows Marlo already and Cynthia invites Marlo and Charles to the Bar One party.  I smell trouble…and it has Charles written all over it.  There is going to be some drama swirling soon…She by Shereé asks Phaedra where she knows the name Charles Grant.  Phaedra drops the bomb that it was in the tabloids that Charles was the one Nene was messing around with while she was still married to Gregg.  Well if it was in the tabloids, it must be true.  Phaedra has just crop-dusted a shit bomb.  Nene’s head is going to explode like a popcorn kernel when she hears this.

Cynthia and Maloire take their mother to the Bailey Agency to show her around.  Malorie looks like she would rather eat her own earwax than be involved in this thing.  The sisters start arguing again and Momma Barbara tells them to stop and then the discussion shifts to Bar One.  Cynthia drops her own shit bomb about Peter’s investor that fell through and bounced the $40,000 check.  Cynthia is having flashbacks to the whole Uptown fiasco, but she is considering helping him out.  Same ol’ shituation.  Malorie starts crying because she knows this is the same ol’ song and dance.  Exit, stage left…

She by Shereé is in the park playing soccer with her kids and her ex-husband, Bob Whitfield shows up and joins the game.  She by Shereé and Bob adjourn to have a “talk”, and it goes off the rails quickly, he hasn’t paid child support in almost four years.  Sidebar:  Bob looks like he’s taken a few too many hits to the head.  He got a bad case o’ da’ CRAZY EYES!  Bob starts cracking down on She by Shereé about her expensive things and thinks she doesn’t need the support.  She by She-Rage is furious and she throws water on him and leaves.  Interestingly enough, the water seems to splash right off of Bob, he must have applied a coat of Scotch Guard before going to see She by Shereé.  He apparently knows the drill.

Kim is waddling up the stairs to sit with Brielle and have a chat.  She is due in two weeks and Brielle is poking her belly.  She is worried that Kim will lose interest in her and Ariana after the baby comes.  They have an odd conversation about the baby, labor, and breastfeeding, and we’ll leave it at that.  I think Kim was trying to scare Brielle as a means of birth control, but we all know those two girls will end up on MTV’s “Teen Mom 4.”

Cynthia and Peter are gearing up for the Bar One “soft-launch” party.  Nene comes in for the tour and she gushes over Peter.  Cynthia thinks Nene will be a huge draw because she is a “celebrity”.  Jezuz, next Nene will be on “Dancing with the D-List Stars”.  Peter has a lot of work to do and the ladies detect a smell in the place, literally.  Thank goodness they haven’t invented Smell-O-Vision yet.  Cynthia asks Peter about the $40K that bounced and offers him a loan if he needs it.  Peter says he will work it out, but is glad to know she would have his back.  We see a shot of the outside of Bar One and it looks like an old Ponderosa building.

She by Shereé goes to visit Phaedra for some legal advice about the child support issue.  Phaedra ponders if Bob likes bologna sandwiches on white bread and macaroni and cheese with no cheese because that’s what they serve at the county jail.  She by Shereé has a bit of a breakdown over it because she can’t decide what to do.  Phaedra phaekes some crocodile tears and urges She by Shereé to think about it.  Phaedra says that if She by Shereé hires her to do the dirty work, she has a pit bull on her team.  So Phaedra is like a legal mullet, pit bull in the front and donkey in the back!  (Thanks Andy Cohen for that one!)

Kandi goes to see Mama Joyce and Black & Decker couldn’t cut the tension between them.  Mama Joyce has changed her wig because she needed a “pick-me-up” after the stripper disaster.  It’s new from Kim Zolciak’s wig line:  As sassy new calming brunette mushroom cut, guaranteed to lift your spirits and erase the image burned on your brain of a giant penis doing the “windmill” dance.  Kandi apologizes and questions why Mama didn’t get upset about the stripper they had at Kandi’s baby shower.  Mama Joyce side-steps that question a bit and refers back to how outraged she is that the stripper was at the birthday party and it was disrespectful.  They seem to have smoothed it over…for now.  The calming wiglet seems to be working.

The Bar One “soft-launch” party is starting and it certainly is “soft”.  It’s literally wilting.  The air conditioning is not working, everyone is schvizing in their designer duds, there’s no furniture, and no Nene!  She by Shereé and Lawrence are tooling around in the hood, thinking they’re lost, but then they see the bar.  She by Shereé thinks the crowd will be sketchy given the location.  Everyone is bitching about the heat and Phaedra comments that Bar One is very “Miami, but it’s just in da’ hood.”  She thinks the bar will be successful “cuz’ hood folks gotta drink too.”  Gotta love Phaedra, she is quickly becoming my favorite.  Derek J. arrives lookin’ like he just got out of a clown car.  Charles and Marlo are also at the party and Phaedra finds it fishy that Nene is not there, but chalks it up to the rumors about Charles.

Cynthia asks Peter how he made the bar happen without the investor and he said because “I’m gangsta, I’m Jamaican”.  He has a surprise for her and she is very leery.  Maybe he booked ReDICKulous!  Kandi is the last to arrive and Cynthia is freaking out about No-Show Nene.  Peter takes the mic and reveals the surprise to Cynthia, which is a mural of her alter ego “Foxy Brown”.  Her fro is so huge, she’s lookin’ like she’s right out of “Good Times”.

Cynthia said she got a text from No-Show Nene that it was a wardrobe malfunction that slowed her down.  The girls are all over the Charles and Marlo scandal and know that is why Nene is M.I.A.  Kandi inquires with Charles and he says he went out with Nene one time, but she was too much into herself.  He said he was turned off, never saw her again, it was a “done dollar.”  Oh, I bet it was Charles.

Nene finally shows up and starts workin’ da’ crowd.  She by Shereé is floored by Cynthia’s non-reaction to Nene being tardy for the party.  Phaedra says that Cynthia and Peter love Nene “like a fat kid loves cake.”  Charles pipes up that Nene totally threw shade and didn’t even acknowledge them.  Nene denies the allegations about her and Charles and the girls think Nene ignored him because he dumped her.  Looks like next week Nene is flirting with a new guy and Kim finally delivers.


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