Strictly Redonkulous

Phaedra pays a visit to Kim with a gift basket to make up for the behavior at the baby shower.  Kim has made a note to self to keep the ex-cons and the assholes off the guest list.  Phaedra is complimenting Kim on the shower and buttering her up, but then she finally gives her half-donkey-booty apology.  Kim is pleased with Phaedra’s attempt and is still annoyed with Cynthia and Peter.  On a scale of one to Phaedra, I give Phaedra a 6 for effort.  Kim is trying to guess Peter’s age and she summates him to be around 65, bottom line…entirely too old to be scrappin’ at a baby shower.  Kim and Phaedra discuss C-sections and Phaedra says she was on so many drugs she was “crazier than a vampire in sunlight.”  It doesn’t take drugs for that, Phaedra.

Cynthia brings her sister Malorie to see Peter’s new bidness venture, “Bar One.”  I think a better name would be “Bar None.”  Cynthia tries to force Peter and Malorie to have the much needed talk about what went down before Cynthia’s wedding.  They go off the rails quicker than a Kardashian marriage, and basically resolve nothing.  They both have their opinions and heels dug firmly in the ground like angry goats.

Kandi arrives at the Renaissance Hotel and I am happy to see Kandi sporting some edgier gear that isn’t so “Little House on the Prairie.”  Phaedra comes up behind her and comments on her “Boo-TAY!”  Phaedra laughs and proudly shakes her donkey booty as she strolls in.  They are planning Kandi’s 35th birthday party at the hotel and they tour the roof top bar and lounge.  She by Shereé joins the party and they are down with the location, although Kandi doesn’t seem down with turning 35.  Kandi is making the arrangements while Phaedra mentions to She by Shereé that she will bring a surprise to the party and describes it as “something only nature could create.”

Nene, Derek, and Kandi go shoe shopping and Derek is wearing the highest heels out of all three of them.  Kandi is trying to find shoes for the party and Nene asks why Kim isn’t involved since Kim and Kandi have the same birthday.  Kandi says that Kim is due anytime, so she didn’t include her.  Do I smell another catfight???  Kandi talks about Kroy and terms him a “young tenda.”  He’s not a Purdue chicken, Kandi!  They are glad Kim is through with Big Poppa and she finally got it crackin’ with a genuine dude.  Nene throws in a few shots on Kim for having multiple children by multiple fathers, she just can’t help herself.  Kandi asks Nene how she felt when she turned 35, but Nene can’t answer because she is only 34.  Well I guess math isn’t Nene’s strongest subject, because she was born in 1967, which makes her 44, and a liar.

Kroy and Kim are meeting with a Baby Consultant to learn how to handle the baby boy and his junk.  Kim is having a full blown anxiety attack about the circumcision process and the Baby lady explains it and Kim can’t handle the truth.  Kroy says he won’t remember it, he ought to know.  Kim will go along with it because she doesn’t want him to grow up with his “little PP wearing a turtleneck.”  The Baby lady reviews how to change the diaper and handle the delicate areas that the baby will have, Kroy changes the diaper as Kim cheers him on.

Nene goes to visit Cynthia and Peter.  We overhear Peter on the phone about a $40,000.00 check from one of his investors, which bounced.  Nothing good can come from this…it will only end in tears.  The dynamic duo can’t get the champagne open, so Peter has to open it for them and Nene is screaming like a moron.  Nene talks about how Greg picked her up when she returned from Miami, took her luggage up to the bedroom, and they ended up hooking up.  Nene is as giddy as a schoolgirl and they discuss Kandi’s party and what a great time they will have.  Cynthia brings up the whole Peter/Malorie talk and Peter gets agitated and leaves the ladies to go about their bidness.  Little does Cynthia know, Peter is schvitzing over the investor that fell through and is trying to figure out a way to ask her for the money.

She by Shereé and Phaedra go to visit Andrew on the construction site for “Chateau Shereé”.  Andrew has hit some snags and they are behind schedule.  Phaedra breaks out the legal strong arm and basically tells Andrew that they wouldn’t want to have to haul his ass to court.  She says a contractor will basically “blow smoke up your butt with a bubble blower”, especially when dealing with women clients.  Phaedra starts talking about her “brick house” and shows Andrew her donkey badonkadonk booty.  She starts saying “naaaaaay”.  What are you Phaedra?  A donkey or a horse, or part goat?  Her point is she wants Andrew to know that he ain’t dealing with no punks and they will “get into his butt” if they have to.  I think Phaedra is an ass woman.

Malorie and her husband Chris arrive at the Bailey Agency to help her assemble a chair.  Cynthia and Malorie get into yet another dust up about the whole Peter thing.  Chris is standing in between them while they argue.  He’s in the middle of a shit sandwich.  He just wants to put the chair together, but they don’t get too far and he and Malorie leave.

Meanwhile, at the Renaissance, Kandi is having her hair and makeup done for her party and Phaedra drops in.  As they prepare to head down to the festivities, Phaedra takes inventory of her handbag to make sure she has all necessary party items, lipstick…check, mirror…check, enough single dollar bills to make it rain…check, tazer…check.  For serious, she has a tazer in her purse.

Lawrence arrives and Phaedra says he looks like “Mr. T. dipped in Wonder Woman”.  That is about right, he looks crazy.  Derek J. also attends the festivities, and the roll of fat on the back of his neck is so big, it’s another party guest altogether.  The other ladies arrive one by one and there is a clear divide between Cynthia and Nene and the rest of the crowd.  She by Shereé and Phaedra chat about how they are “grown ladies” and Cynthia and Nene joke with Kandi about having a “friend contract” for her to sign.  Kandi is ping ponging between the two cliques and Phaedra wheels in a big red box.  Out pops none other than “ReDICKulous”, who is a stripper that Phaedra represents.  She had told us about him last season and he is apparently very well endowed.  By the looks on the faces of the crowd and the length of the black censor bar when he starts twirling about, I would say he is.  Talk about censory overload!

Kandi’s mom, Mama Joyce is so totally pissed off about the stripper, she stalks off.  The looks from the crowd are a mixture of shock, amazement, and disgust.  The final straw was when ReDICKulous performed his well-known act of orally pleasuring himself.  This throws Mama Joyce over the edge and she says “That’s f*cked up, this is some BULL SH!T!”  Lawrence doesn’t know if his talent is a blessing or a curse.  Nene finds it disgusting and leaves along with Peter and Cynthia.  Nene fuels the fire of Mama Joyce’s fury by agreeing with her about the stripper.  Nene says she took her eyeballs out of her head and drove home blind.  As they say, it’s all fun and games until someone puts out an eye!  Mama Joyce goes off on Kandi, and she doesn’t even know where this is coming from because Mama Joyce has never had a problem with strippers and is very open minded.  Kandi then tells Phaedra that they will just have to “save it for when it’s just us”…umm…okay…so you are going to watch this guy perform AGAIN?  As if once wasn’t enough?!?!?

The whole ReDICKulous situation seems to have killed the party.  Now a few items to note here, first of all, Nene used to be a stripper and she is “strictly dickly”, so for her to act totally disgusted and leave and to also rile up Mama Joyce further, was totally whack.  Still, Nene gets quote of the night with:  “It is disgusting for anybody to jump out of box, on top of a table, when guests are dressed in their nice Versace, and DVF, and their Gucci, and their Christian Louboutins, and you are sucking your penis.”  Never thought I would hear that combination of words.

Sidebar:  Let’s ponder this still photo of ReDICKulous, he appears to be holding his junk with his thumb and index finger while the other fingers are at rest.  He’s twirling it so daintily, they must teach men that in stripper skewl.  Sub-Sidebar:  Yes, that is actor Jerry O’Connell in the lower left corner laughing at ReDICKulous.  He was featured on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen after the ATL episode to discuss all of this tomf*ckery.

It’s a good thing Kim wasn’t at the party, she has enough penis problems of her own.

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