Hateration Nation

 

Nene invites Kandi and Cynthia to Miami Beach to get away for a girls weekend.  Nene needs a break from Atlanta Haterville.  Nene and Kandi are single and ready to mingle.  They start the locker room talk not realizing that the bellhop is lurking in the corner, waiting for his tip.  Here’s a tip, Nene Leakes is VERY RICH, so hold out for more than $5.00 per bag!

 

Kim is of course still on bed rest due to her late in life complicated pregnancy and Kroy and Sweetie are plotting her surprise party.  Kim can’t believe she is going to be 33, yea right Kim.  I just have a hard time believing that she is only 33.  Kroy is only 25, the poor bastard didn’t know what hit him.  Kroy plans to buy her an expensive bracelet for her birthday because she’s had a “rough nine months.”  I think he should buy her a descent wig and how about a diamond studded muzzle?

Phaedra goes to the funeral home to pick Willie’s brain because she is interested in opening up her own funeral business.  He speaks frankly to her about her image and tells her to pull her dress down.  Phaedra whips out her prayer cloth so she can cover her “luscious thighs and kneecaps.”  Nothing worse than luscious kneecaps run amok.  Willie shows her the various caskets and pricing levels, she is fascinated by the tin rental casket.  She calls it the “Pinto of caskets.”  Willie keeps emphasizing that she must have compassion.  Phaedra feels she has compassion and this is her calling, especially when her client’s insurance policies are in full force.

Meanwhile, back in Miami, the ladies sit down to lunch and Kandi notices something isn’t right because the only people around are women.  She proceeds to call Nene out about openly bragging to She by Shereé how rich she is.  Nene tells her she is rich and She by Shereé and Kim can kiss her ass.  Nene is so rich, she gonna make it rain up in here!  Cynthia is of course in Nene’s corner and the two of them don’t have time for this bitchassery.  Kandi says she is being careful with Nene because she can be cool and fun or she can be the angry black woman who is ready to pounce.  As they are trying to change the subject, they are approached by two lesbian women who ask them if they are going to participate in any events during pride.  They chat with the ladies for a moment and the conversation makes them feel a bit awkward, but Nene confirms that she does not play in the lady pond, she is “strictly dickly.”  Nene could actually pass as a drag queen, easily…I mean the broad is like 7’ 2” in heels.

She by Shereé takes her son shopping for football cleats.  She starts talking to him about girls while he is trying on shoes and warns him about being an athlete and all the “fast li’l girls” who are going to be after him.  He is very shy and She by Shereé is trying to talk him out of his shell and thinks his father should be more involved.  Sidebar:  I can’t take it anymore, but She by Shereé looks like a tranny.  A-MAN-ta in Atlanta.  She by Shereé is stunned by his size 14 shoes, he is a grown man and still growing.  At least now, they can share their clear heels.

Cynthia is still in Nene’s cheering section and they are on their way to check out a property because Nene wants to move out of Haterville.  So, since she is VERY RICH, she looks at a 9 million dollar home.  The home is totally faboo, but there is no way she has that kinda skrilla.  Kandi doubts Nene can afford it, but good ol’ Cynthia thinks Nene can, besides Cynthia needs a vacation spot.  Kandi tries to caution Nene about making such a big purchase, but it goes over her head, slips in the Jeri Curl and hits the wall.

They go down to the beach and Nene demands that Kandi take her cover up off.  She is so concerned about what’s under Kandi’s cover up, that she fails to realize her own wardrobe malfunction and her boob is hanging out.  Kandi obliges and of course, Nene pounces on Kandi’s ham hocks.  It almost seems like Nene knew Kandi had big thighs the way she asked her to take off her cover up.  Nene then jumps all over Kandi about being celibate and the conversation goes something like this…

I’m celibate too, but I don’t like toys…I’m going to get you a little bullet

I heard those things cause 3rd degree burns…Noooooo

Coochie done burnt up…keep your options open Nene!

Uggh…a collective uggh!  Cynthia says she is a married woman and can’t be talking about this stuff, so she changes the subject to lesbianism and asks the girls what they think.  Kandi says she might dip her foot in the pool, but then she spots two men on the beach.  Cynthia approaches and they start playing Frisbee.  The one shirtless greazeball starts putting the moves on Nene and she quickly clams up.  So that’s how you get Nene to shut up, put her in front of a greezy guy.  Nene admits she still has feelings for Greg and she isn’t ready to move on.

Meanwhile, back at Stoney River Legendary Steaks, She by Shereé and Kim sit down for a meal.  Kim is whining that she is over being pregnant because she can’t have seafood, liquor, or cigarettes.  The three staples of any healthy lifestyle.  They start talking about Nene and Kim says that Nene’s true colors came out when she was on the Celebrity Apprentice.  Kim says “She has gone off on Dionne Warwick, Star Jones, Latoya Jackson, like A-List people!”  Kim actually does have a point, Nene would pick a fight with a newborn baby, but then again that is why she is on these shows, she brings the heat.  She by Shereé makes a good point too, “she needs to humble herself, as fast as you go up, you can come down.  Just like on the stripper pole.”  She by Shereé asks Kim about the future with baby and Kroy.  Kim says that she and Kroy took it really slow, yeah…slow, that is why she is pregnant right outta the gate!

Phaedra and Apollo take Ayden out for a stroll and they discuss the funeral business venture.  Apollo is about as interested in that as he is in having a gasoline enema.  Phaedra is fascinated with the dead because they are so quiet.  Good point, Phaedra, good point.  Her vision is for a Saks 5th Avenue funeral home.  Apollo doesn’t want to commit because it will take him away from what he is doing now.  Phaedra tells the camera that he does “Relocation and Asset Recovery, something where if something is out there they go get it and bring it back to Atlanta.”  She has no idea what her husband does.  I will let that slide considering they started courting while Apollo was in prison.  Hard to get to know someone that well when you are prison pen-pals.

Sweetie and Kroy are getting ready for the surprise party.  Kroy takes Kim out for dinner and she is moving very slow and she can’t even make it to the car without having to stop and pee 8 times.  She shouts from the car to Sweetie to book her a massage.  Sidebar:  Kim is flashing an awful lotta side-boob in that dress.  Kim discusses what she wants to do the day after she gives birth, margaritas out the wazoo, botox, vela shape.  The whole nine yards, to which Kroy says “I really wanna take you to learn how to shoot.”  Kim is stunned because he means like, GUNS!  She likes that Kroy is a country boy, she is “kinda book smart” so she likes the fact that Kroy has so much common sense.  I am sorry, but Kim Zoliciak and book smart is an oxymoron.  Kroy gives her the $22,000.00 chocolate diamond bracelet and she loves it.  To spend that much money on a bracelet is just asinine.

They arrive back to the house and of course Kim has to pee again.  So everyone is hiding in the kitchen listening to Kim’s 1,500 PSI pee.  Everyone shouts “surprise” when Kim walks out and she gets a bit emotional.  Kandi and Kim chat about Miami and let the Nene bashing begin…Kim says that Cynthia has no backbone and Kandi cracks a joke about Nene being rich.  Kim takes another swing at it and points out that Nene has no furniture, her car got re-poed and she has no teeth.  They all get a good laugh and Kandi is trying to stay out of it, but she joins in the laughter.  Hey ladies, would you like a side of hater-tots with that hater-ade?  They better be careful, all that laughing and they might get haterrhoids.  Kim probably has some Preparation Hater in her medicine cabinet.

She by Shereé asks Kroy about being a dad and he says he’s already a father and the woman swoon.  Phaedra pushes the marriage question and he immediately starts schvitzing.  Sidebar:  Kim and Kroy did get married.  Kim decided she wanted to getter done on 11/11/11, so she sprung out of bed, grabbed her pre-owned wedding gown and made it official.  Also just found out that Kim and Kroy will have a spin-off show on Bravo, “Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding.”

Kandi asks Kroy about his career plans after football and he talks about his love for guns and hunting and how he grew up in Montana.  Phaedra asks if there are many black people in Montana and Kroy says there aren’t, so she suggests he takes them all with him.  Hmm…do I smell another spin-off show?  “Kroy and the Bat Shit Crazy Black Women take Montana.”  They all bid adieu to Kim as she is getting her massage, Kim adjusts her wig and says goodnight.

Next week, is Kim’s baby shower, Phaedra thinks it’s a lot like her shower, so there will probably be a copy-cat-gate and it looks like Peter and Apollo flirt with a dust up.

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