With the Crackhouse Rat Jersey madness behind us for now, we will now be treated to my favorite southern delights known as the housewives of Atlanta. Let the games begin…
We start with the very pregnant Kim Zolciak. The fact that she is pregnant just scares me. The father is Kroy Biermann, the Atlanta Falcons Defensive End who was scooped up by Kim at She by Shereé’s “Dancing with the Locals” debacle last season. Kim was enamored with his sweet defensive end ass and next thing you know, she is carrying his baby. Hey, you have to give Kim credit. She goes after what she wants, and at least he’s single. She finally took NeNe’s advice which was “close your legs to married men, trash box.” She obviously didn’t get the first part down, but Kroy is single and ready to mingle, and well…Kim will always be America’s trash box.
They are preparing to move into Kim’s dream home. Thank goodness, she can finally move out of that dumpy scratch pad that Big Papa had her all holed up in. They go to take all of her expensive furniture out of storage to furnish the new home. I am sure this is Kroy’s dream coming to fruition. A new home with furnishings provided for by dirty slut money.
The home is huge, it has a pool, a basketball court, a movie theater, and of course a place for Kim to store her janky wigs. Again, Kroy’s dreams must finally be realized. Kim sits in the SUV with her slave assistant, Sweetie, and they watch the 25 year old hunk o’ man meat move all the furniture.
Kim is admiring old photos on her cell phone and sees one of her and Kroy when they first met and she didn’t know she was one week pregnant. She says to Sweetie, “I look like a little slut”. Your words Kimmie, your words. She is highly offended that Kroy doesn’t have “Tardy for the Party” as his ringtone, or “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing”. He says “my ring is gonna mean something.” Little does Kimmy realize, he is speaking of the Super Bowl Ring he hopes to win someday.
Meanwhile, NeNe visits her college sweetheart at his car dealership in order to negotiate a deal on a car for her miscreant son Bryson. Bryson has had his share of troubles and NeNe realizes that the kid just needs a break…translation…she needs him to serve as her personal assistant now that she is so incredibly famous since being on the Celebrity Apprentice. Jay comes out to greet NeNe and play “Let’s Make a Deal”. NeNe pours on the charm, it’s allowed now that she’s single. They take a red Charger out for a test drive where NeNe drops the bomb that the car is not for joy riding, but to run errands for her. She also tells Jay that she is going to pay cash for the car. Since she was on Celebrity Apprentice, NeNe’s connections have really blossomed. She is raking in the dough now and Donald Trump taught her how to negotiate, mama came to play. NeNe asks for the “friend” discount and Jay knocks $1,400 off the price of the car considering the hand job she gave him in ’84 she is paying cash.
She by Shereé drops in to watch her hairdresser, Lawrence, in the recording studio. He’s singing his new tune “Over It”. She’s totally into the song, she just can’t get “Over It”. Lawrence sings the lyrics to her and She by Shereé shrieks with excitement. He asks her what’s up in her world and she starts complaining about dealing with NeNe. She by Shereé is gaining momentum with her (ahem…) acting career and she invited NeNe to an event and the “heffer tried to back door me”. She by Shereé, that sounds like a personal problem to me. Now her and Lawrence discuss…I would almost think that “Celebrity Apprentice” has their mits in some sort of product placement deal because between the two of them, they say “Celebrity Apprentice” about ten times. She by Shereé feels that the Celeb. Apprentice only gave NeNe a bigger ego and the only reason NeNe was asked to be on that show was because they needed an “irate, crazy bitch”. Well gee She by Shereé, isn’t that why you are on this show? Sidebar: We are treated to a clip from the Celebrity Apprentice, in my opinion one of the best moments from that show, when NeNe becomes completely unhinged and yells at LaToya Jackson and calls her “Casper the Ghost”. When I originally saw that moment on the Celebrity Apprentice, I remember thanking God for DVR, because I had to re-watch that moment 48 times, it was so hilarious. It was so rude, audacious, and wonderful all at the same time.
But I digress…She by Shereé and NeNe have a meeting set up to talk and hug it out. Lawrence cautions She by Shereé to not just sit back and take it and she says she will not because she is “OVER IT.”
Cynthia Bailey is having lunch with none other than Miss J, the runway coach from “America’s Next Top Model”. This must be the reality TV show cross-promotion episode. Cynthia is opening a modeling school and thinks Atlanta is going to be up and coming in the fashion world. Miss J is going with Cynthia to meet with the students at her new modeling school for the open call. Miss J is the one who can show them how to “rip the runway”. Miss J is distracted by a passerby who he thought looked like a stripper, she walked into the Bailey Agency, so they gotta go “help a bitch out”.
Phaedra is meeting with her family to plan a funeral for her great aunt. Of course, Phaedra has to be involved, because everybody knows, you must have an attorney to sort out the estate. They meet with Willy to go over the “Signature Service”, there will be horn players, doves, a marching band, ponies, buggies, and a bearded lady. Oh wait, NeNe won’t be there. Willy demonstrates the hearse that plays music and has a disco ball and strobe lights. Phaedra is sold!
Back at the Bailey Agency, Miss J lectures the masses on how to rip a runway. He demos the “white girl shopping mall” walk, the “black girl who knows everything” walk, and finally the “simple, clean” walk. A few of the students strut their stuff, proving they know nothing. Cynthia feels that her agency is really going to take off and the fact that Miss J is there is proof.
She by Shereé and Phaedra are visiting an adult toy shop where they are meeting Kandi. However, Kandi Burrus is on CP time. Which Phaedra explains is “Colored Peoples Time”. If they are to meet at noon, she will show up at 12:45:01. Kandi should know better than to be Tardy for the Party! Kandi arrives looking quite different than she did last season. She looks rather “Little House on the Prairie” this year. Kandi is an entrepreneur. Really, she is the only accomplished person on the show because she had a very successful, legitimate career in the music industry. So, naturally, she is branching out into her own adult toy line. Makes perfect sense. The line will be called “Bedroom Kandi” because she doesn’t want anything “hoochie.” Phaedra is playing with the toys and the creepy salesman approaches them and offers to “take them in the back.” Eeeek…He proceeds to do a demonstration by positioning Phaedra on a cushion. Well Phaedra is SOLD! She’s going to take it home for Apollo, her convict husband. I am sure he will love the cushion, it has to be much better than his prison cot. Kandi is really thinking outside the box now, she is going to make an adult toy that will vibrate to music. She can write her own special songs for it. I think she just nailed her tag line… “It’s a different type of vibe.” The ladies are supportive and can’t wait for their product samples.
Back to Kim the pregnant whore lovely lady in a wig. She is screaming for Sweetie and her kids and she wants baked ziti and jalapenos. While Sweetie goes to fetch that concoction, she sends her daughter for sour cream and onion dip and potato chips. Kim flips out on Sweetie for putting a plate in the microwave that has gold on the edges. But needless to say, she is quickly “Over It” when she starts shoveling ziti in her mouth.
Phaedra is at her great aunt’s funeral and Willy can’t make it, so Phaedra must step up to the plate and really “make this funeral POP”. Well if Phaedra can’t make my funeral pop, then I don’t wanna be dead. Phaedra’s got it poppin’ all right and she buries the casket herself. Careful Phaedra, lift the dirt with the knees, not the badonkadonk. Phaedra receives such great feedback, she realizes this is her true calling.
NeNe heads into the restaurant to meet She by Shereé and immediately orders up a few drinks. She knows that She by Shereé is just jealous of her. I give this thing about 2.8 seconds before it goes completely off the rails. She gives She by Shereé the opportunity to explain and it goes something like this:
Remember going to Philly, phone call from Tyrone, opportunity to make money?
Reached out to you, available?…What’s your rate?
Called Tyrone, cool…You’ve been calling Tyrone, could’ve gotten She by Shereé cheaper, money off the top.
Not him, you…Me, NeNe?…Nene!
That was shady…Black women, problem, succeed, claw, tear down
HERE WE GO STAR JONES!
How long you know Tyrone?…You know me!…You believe Tyrone…Let’s call him
I’ll call Diana…You spoke to Nene…You spoke to Diana…You’re all on speaker
You spoke to Diana, not NeNe…Did you speak to NeNe?
Nene talked to me…Nene talked to my managers
He didn’t speak to me about money…I don’t have to lie to you, period…You believe him over me!
I don’t care, while you runnin’ yo’ mouth, I runnin’ to bank…Yeah, ummmm…hmmm…Trump check!
Donald Trump…I am VERY RICH…You losin’ houses, cars sweetheart!
Sit down, sit down…I don’t need to, it’s a bunch of B.S.
I can’t hear you talking, just a bunch of noise
I am VERY RICH, BITCH!
If you so rich, get your mutherf*ckin’ teeth fixed…I knew you when you had the rotten teeth!
Veneers honey, $50,000 honey…I could buy your house and car.
Your car was re-poed in the parking lot at Home Depot. (haha…re-poed at the Depot)
They leave the restaurant and next we see Cynthia at NeNe’s house and NeNe is crying about the argument with She by Shereé. She is more hurt that She by Shereé never gave her the benefit of the doubt. Cynthia of course is NeNe’s personal cheerleader and she tells NeNe exactly what she wants to hear. I know NeNe can be quite a handful at times and she is alotta bravado, but I think she was actually very bothered by this. But NeNe bounces back quickly and tells the camera that once you hit below the belt, it’s “deuces, baby” and you need to go. She won’t stab you in the back, she’ll stab you in the front. Hey man, she’s just keepin’ it real, keepin’ it 100! Sounds to me like she’s “OVER IT”!