Go Scratch

It’s part two of the RHNJ reunion and these bitches be stacked, packed, and ready to attack.  OHAC addresses some rumors that have been out and about in the media.  Melissa refutes her “lady pond” rumor and Teresa refutes the Juicy rumors about affairs and illegitimate children.  I am sure women are lining up to get with Juicy, he’s such an amazing old troll.  Viewers are obsessed with Caroline’s chameleon hair and she admits she is “hair impaired”.  We are treated to a walk down memory lane and one of the best moments on the show, when Caroline kicked Kim G. out of Melissa’s house.  OHAC addresses that moment and of course, Teresa can’t stay out of it.  She has to jump in and try to make it about her and says she had Caroline’s back when it came to Kim G.  Hate to break it to ya’ Tre, but Caroline Manzo can hold her own.  She doesn’t need some flaky bat bag to “have her back.”

Many of the viewer questions come at Caroline with both barrels, but as usual, she handles it like a champ.  Teresa is smirking because Caroline is getting pummeled for being a butt-in-ski.  The discussion goes on to the rift between Caroline and her sister Dina.  We don’t really get too much information here, but Teresa has something to do with it.  Caroline insinuates that Teresa has put ideas in Dina’s head about Caroline and Jacqueline.  Caroline has e-mails and text messages that prove Teresa was involved in this.  My guess is that when Dina left the show, she probably didn’t want anything to do with the people that are still on it, even if it’s her own family.  Hell…Dina has that disgusting hairless cat, Grandma Wrinkles, (who allegedly smells like bacon, I might add) to be there when the going gets tough.  She don’t need no stinkin’ Caroline.

Teresa is reveling in this because she is one sick bitch.  Melissa jumps in and calls her out on the crap, but Teresa the tornado just talks over her to avoid being accountable for her actions.  Caroline implies that Teresa has been changed by the fame, but Teresa maintains that she is “as real as they come.”  Wow, it’s getting deep in here, someone get my hip waders.

Next we revisit the whole Assley mishigas.  Caroline discusses how hurt they all were by Assley, and Jacqueline needs to work through the guilt she feels.  Caroline says that Assley has attitude like she’s never seen, really…never would have guessed.  She said Assley needs to beat herself up a bit and that it’s happening now.  If Assley is out in L.A., she will surely be chewed up and spit out like ground up turkey gizzards.

OHAC asks Kathy about brass knuckle Rosie.  We come to find out that Rosie and Joe were actually very close.  Hmm…interesting.  We reflect on Kathy’s stint on the show and we are reminded how Kathy rides her bike to the market while reciting her shopping list… “clams, strawberries…”  I am not sure how clams are going to transport in that bike basket, but you gotta hand it to her, she puts out a mean spread.  OHAC asks Kathy about Victoria and how she is different due to the fact that she survived a brain tumor when she was 10.  As Kathy responds, leave it to Tre to butt in and say how she was at the hospital every day when it happened.  Now, I think we have just entered the twilight zone.  Teresa says that Victoria has touched her life because ever since Victoria’s brain tumor happened, she has always kept a positive attitude and she doesn’t take petty things so seriously.  Everyone is looking at her like the nut bag that she is.  OHAC points out that it seems that she has actually gotten quite derailed by a lot of the small stuff, such as, the housewarming card and the sprinkle cookies.  Oh geez, OHAC…DON’T GO THERE, have we taught you nothing?!?!?!

Teresa starts talking about how she distened herself from Kathy and Richie because he was always bustin’ her chops.  OHAC corrects her about three times, he repeats the word “distanced”, but she ain’t gettin’ it.  Kathy points out how Juicy Joe would always laugh at the jokes Richie made at Teresa’s expense.  Sorry Tre, it’s a dog eat dog world, and you’re wearing milk bone underwear!

OHAC, master of the segue, states the one word not to be used in Teresa’s presence is “unattended.”  Oy vey, put your seatbelts on, it’s gonna go wild up in here.  OHAC explores the “unattended” comment and you can see Caroline just seething.  It erupts like Mt. St. Helen and Kathy goes off.  Caroline piles on and tells Teresa that Kathy was being a good cousin by protecting Adriana at the Christening and Teresa should be thanking her.  I sincerely hope by the end of this show, they will all realize they are getting nowhere fast with Teresa.  She is always right in her delusional thinking and Bravo should give her a show:  “Planet Asshole” starring Teresa Guidice.

Kathy totally puts Teresa on blast by saying that Teresa wrote nasty things about her in her blog after they made up.  Teresa called her sneaky and manipulative and Tre admits it.  They start to argue about Christmas Eve.  Again, we go off the rails, and Teresa is pissed off because she only had an hour with her family and she wanted the whole night.  Caroline screams at her and says she should be grateful for the time she had with them and calls her selfish.  This has now gone full-blown fista cuffs!  Teresa starts yelling at Melissa for talking crap when she got to Kathy’s on Christmas Eve and Melissa brings up the “raccoon face” comment Juicy made about her.  Teresa says he was talking about Kathy.  As if that is supposed to make it better, or acceptable?  Kathy wasn’t even there, he was talking about Melissa and she knows it.  Teresa is so full of shit, her eyes are brown.

OHAC says, rather diplomatically, “it seems like you have a firm stance on your point of view, it’s hard for you to hear people, things are explained to you over and over, and you dig in on your stance.”  The discussion continues to blow up and Teresa says “time heals all wounds”, but yet her and Kathy are in a good place.

Caroline and Melissa are ready to leave.  OHAC addresses comments Teresa made in her blog about Melissa.  We take another stroll down memory lane and revisit the competitive nature of the Teresa/Melissa dynamic.  They try to address the copy catting issue, of course Teresa cannot give any examples and it doesn’t apply to her if she copies Melissa.  Melissa answers a question about Joe being engaged twice before meeting her.  She says the girls left Joe because they couldn’t get along with Teresa.  They detour back to the copying thing and Teresa starts comparing their weddings and Christenings.  Teresa makes about as much sense as a paraplegic lap dancer.

OHAC presses on with all the incisive, hard-hitting questions.  He asks Teresa if she regrets anything she said about Melissa.  Li’l Tre Tre doesn’t get it and she starts talking about all the things Melissa said about her.  Then OHAC clarifies the question and Teresa asks Melissa what she should regret saying about her.  Melissa whips out her i-phone and starts running through her list of rotten shit Teresa said about her.

Melissa said she regretted saying “we pay our bills” because it implied that Teresa and Juicy didn’t.  No regrets Melissa, you merely speak the truth.  OHAC discusses the feud between Juicy and Joe.  Melissa says that Juicy was always hypercritical of Joe and that always hurt him because Joe looked up to Juicy.

Next, we address Juicy using gay slurs.  Teresa of course, defends him and it’s no big deal, he says it all the time.  OHAC asks why Juicy has no awareness of what he is saying on camera.  Caroline acknowledges that he doesn’t mean it with any malice, it’s more that he’s not informed, not educated, or it’s his simple mind.  Teresa says…“it’s not un-ducated!”  Wow…just wow.  OHAC says he hammers the point home because it’s on national television for all to see and Teresa’s daughters are being taught this to be acceptable language to use.  You better believe that little Milania is going to get her ass handed to her one day.  If she is already calling Juicy and “old troll”, it’s only a matter of time before she uses a gay slur on the playground to the wrong kids and a few boys hold her down and do her hair.

We address the drunken Juicy doing the cartwheel and chipping his tooth.  (Which, was probably the best moment of the season).  Teresa was not embarrassed by this behavior at all.  We next revisit Milania’s birthday party where G to the ia sang her song for Tre and Joe.  This sends Caroline into a tailspin because she thinks that it was completely inappropriate for Teresa to allow G to the ia to be involved in this feud.  Caroline knows it’s not her business, but she felt that allowing G to the ia to sing that song at the birthday party was a disgrace.  Kathy agrees that Teresa should have read the song first.  Teresa insists that G to the ia wanted to surprise them.  Kathy has to remind Tre that she is the parent and Caroline tells Teresa she used G to the ia as a tool.  Teresa tells Caroline to “go scratch” and Caroline scratches her ass and tells her what she did to G to the ia was tragic.  Wow, that Caroline may look all prim and proper, but she can pack a punch like Sonny Liston.

The discussion winds down with a question about what family means to each of them.  Caroline gets a wee bit emotional talking about the issue with Dina again, but she has faith that they will reconcile eventually.  Caroline says that Teresa was only an acquaintance, not a friend.  Teresa says after ten years, see how people turn like that…then she whispers to Kathy, “beware.”  OY VEY!

I said it before, and I’ll say it again…Teresa, you had us on your side at the Christening.  Somewhere, you took a wrong turn, you went horribly awry.  If I could choke you out through my television set, I would.  OHAC really just needs to shitcan her ass.  I know she is controversial and gets ratings, but I think the chemicals from her Brazilian blowout have seeped into her pea brain.  Wow, 21 of these shows, seems like a lifetime!  Either that or Teresa has just completely depleted my energy with all of this kerfuffle!

I look forward to the Real Housewives of Hotlanta coming soon.  Everybody knows…Teresa makes NeNe Leakes look like a day at the beach.  Until then…

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