Our favorite host, Andy Cohen, mastermind behind Bravo original programming, welcomes us to the Count Basie Theater so the Jersey Housewives can re-hash the entire season three debacle.
OHAC (Our Host Andy Cohen) points out that Jacqueline is MIA. The cast is in the midst of shooting season four and, well…there was an incident. Caroline speaks on Jacqueline’s behalf and says Jacqueline feels betrayed and hurt and she would rather have a gasoline enema than come to the reunion and look at Teresa. Hmmm… somethin’ is a-cookin’ up! Nice tease Andy Cohen, MBBOP (mastermind behind Bravo original programming). Teresa’s response is that Jacqueline started something, she should finish it, bring it on baby. Teresa has really worn out her welcome, she laughs about the mystery altercation, accuses Caroline and Jacqueline of attacking her and then she “won’t go there because that’s fourth season…” I find it ironic how Teresa will keep deflecting these conversations as if the airings of the episodes will somehow vindicate her and everyone will see how right she is. The queen of delusion must be watching a different show because with every episode I watch, she digs herself deeper into her shithole.
We take a walk down memory lane to discuss loyalty. We get a quick recap of the ever-turning Jersey worm as Teresa inches her way under the skin of everyone. OHAC turns the conversation towards the infamous cookbook introduction. Teresa breaks out her best backpedal and deflect and she is really being a flaming shit-heel to Caroline. Teresa starts in about Caroline and Jacqueline “jumping ship” on their friendship and Caroline says the cookbook was the icing on the cake. I really don’t know what Teresa expects here, you trash-talk everyone in the INTRODUCTION TO YOUR COOKBOOK, and then act shocked when they are pissed off. She keeps telling them it’s a joke, well Tre, as Judge Judy would say “don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!”
OHAC reflects on the last reunion when Teresa shoved him down like a rag doll while she screamed at Danielle. Another brilliant Teresa move, shove the man who butters your bread because you feel the need to attack your cast mate. Apparently, the Teresa fury was stirred up because Danielle took a pot shot about the fact that Teresa did not visit Melissa and newborn baby Joey in the hospital. Melissa jumps in and the discussion goes off the rails quickly. Melissa exposes all the things Teresa said to her to deter her from going on the show. Teresa warned Melissa that everyone would make fun of her forehead. At this point, Teresa couldn’t make sense if she wanted to. Teresa tries to make it about her again and says she was upset because Kathy and Melissa went on the show without telling her. Without telling her???? HUH?? Then she says they went behind her back. Kathy making desserts behind Teresa’s back, the NERVE. And that Melissa, who the f*ck does she think she is, singing behind Teresa’s back.
OHAC takes us down another road in memory lane to hell and we arrive at the momentous Christening. Teresa whimpers her crocodile tears and acts for a second as if she has remorse. Melissa laments that it will always be the memory of her son’s Christening. Melissa adds that Joe felt that Teresa had changed due to being on the show and she didn’t invite them to the premiere party of season two. Once again, Teresa ricochets it around and it’s Melissa’s fault. If she were a “good wife”, she would have called Teresa to make sure they were invited. The term “delusional dill-hole” comes to mind.
OHAC asks Teresa a viewer question about weather or not G to the ia has seen the episodes. Teresa says “she didn’t have to see it, she lived it.” Caroline pipes up to add that Teresa did let G to the ia watch it at Chris and Jacqueline’s. Then, Caroline drops the mutha of all bombs up in dis’ bee-yotch. She says Teresa told her that she didn’t want to make up with her brother, “he’s an asshole”. At this point, Teresa about loses her shit and calls Caroline a freakin’ liar and pathetic. Caroline sits, with unwavering conviction, “I am not a liar.” It’s a good ol’ Jersey standoff!
OHAC explores the language used on the show including some of our favorites, “bot’ a yous”, “saved a wench like me”, “work ethnic”, “ingredientzes”, etc. We revisit Melissa and Joe’s flashiness and how Melissa developed her passion for singing. OHAC asks Teresa what she thinks of Melissa’s signing and Kathy’s cooking, of course, Teresa thinks she inspired both of them.
Next, we address the “gold-digger” comments Teresa made about Melissa. Gold digger isn’t that bad. When you really boil it down, a gold-digger is just like a hooker, only smarter! Teresa calls Melissa a bitch and says, “we were at a good place, why are you going there?” Where exactly is a good place for Teresa?
We take a few moments to reflect on Teresa’s financial woes and her insult to Jewish people everywhere. She must like the taste of dirt because every time she opens her mouth, she inserts her foot. Her comment implied that Jewish people don’t hold the sanctity of marriage in high regard unless there is money involved. OHAC also points out how Teresa once again overspent on holiday gifts for the children in the midst of all of her financial mishigas.
They discussed how Teresa kept smiling through all of her pain, and of course, she takes it as an insult. They discuss the furniture auction and Teresa says that someone came to the house to take pictures because it was alleged that they had Picasso paintings that were worth…ahem…$50,000.00. Wow, just wow. OHAC quickly points out that a Picasso would be worth about $50 million. Teresa says Juicy Joe would never go for that and OHAC gets line of the night #1 “well, I don’t think he could, with all due respect.” AC, Layin’ down da’ smack!
OHAC puts Teresa on blast and asks her about her promise to pay back $8 million instead of filing bankruptcy. He also points out that withdrawing from bankruptcy saved Tre and Juicy both from going to jail. Teresa delivers an emphatic “NO”, and OHAC points out that they may have been found guilty of bankruptcy fraud, which is a federal offense. Teresa maintains that is not what they were charged with. Melissa adds that it is all public knowledge. I guess Teresa should Google herself. OHAC asks how long they have to pay it back and Tre says she doesn’t know. OHAC delivers line of the night #2, “you…you should look into that.”
Next on the agenda is Joe and how he got into buying and selling homes. Of course, it is because Teresa’s wonderful hubby, Juicy, showed him how and he is the reason for Joe’s success. Melissa states that if Joe heard that he would go ape shit. Then Teresa turns to Kathy and says that’s how Richie got into it. Kathy tells her to not go there and says if she does, “you won’t like what you find out, so I think you should just zip it.” Melissa clears it up by saying that Teresa didn’t want anyone to know how they were making their money because they didn’t want anyone else to succeed at it. Teresa talks about how Juicy Joe would be the most forthcoming, helpful individual to anyone who asks. Really Tre, what planet are you livin’ on?
Melissa wraps it up and puts a ribbon on it and says, “basically anything that anyone has ever done good in their life has come from Teresa and Joe.” OHAC discussed how Juicy Joe may go to prison for obtaining a fraudulent drivers license. If convicted, Fatboy be lookin’ at 18 months to 10 years in prison. Now there’s a reality show! With a name like Juicy Joe in prison, it has to be good.
Teresa refuses to discuss any of her legal issues further. OHAC turns to Caroline Manzo, Voice of Reason…she shares her opinion and Teresa jumps all over her like a rabid howler monkey and Caroline tells her to relax. We are treated to one of our favorite Teresa blunders “I’m calm and cool as a whistle.” OHAC looks perplexed… “cool as a whistle?” Caroline tells Teresa to shut up and listen and Caroline feels like she is getting dumber by the minute, she’s in a whirlwind of stupid. Teresa tells her to take her own advice and Caroline agrees, she should have taken her own advice and cut Teresa out of her life two years ago. DAAAAMMMMNNN!
Part two promises to be juicier than a pumped up porterhouse on human growth hormone, as the wheels come off this Jersey jalopy! AC has a ratings juggernaut on his hands here and he doesn’t care who he has to hurt in the process. Now get out of his way so he can go burn some of his money.