The Olive Garden of Good and Evil

We pick up where we left off with Melissa trying on some clothes with her contraband stylist.  Teresa calls her to find out what she is wearing for family picture night.  We hear Teresa on the speakerphone and it sounds like she hit the redial button, but she tells Melissa it’s her fax machine.  Who in the hell is faxing Teresa?  Meital, the stylist is happy that Melissa didn’t spill the beans to Teresa about being there because she said Teresa wouldn’t be happy.  So now Mellissa has stolen her stylist.  Meital seems to think that Teresa is intimidated by Melissa.  Even the help can see Teresa’s psychosis.

Chris Manzo’s brother Jaime is visiting and plans to try to talk sense into Assley.  Jaime is the “black sheep” of his side of the family.  Jaime looks a bit like Chris Manzo if he were dipped in whiskey and smoked through a crack pipe.  They are all chatting in the kitchen where all good arguments with Assley come to an end and Assley shows Jaime her tattoo of a swallow.  He gives her some advice about the tattoo and tells her to call it a sparrow.  OY!  She then reveals she got another tattoo on her foot while the parents were scuffin’ it out in Punta Cana.  Chris thinks it looks like someone shit on her foot.  Jaime is actually pretty funny, he says “so you’re gonna take all your crap, go to California and just sit there and say ‘Hi! I’m Assley Holmes!’”  Yes, Jaime that is the long and shit of it.  Jacqueline starts in on her about her location and how it’s not going to change anything.  It’s like the old saying “wherever you go, there you are.”  Assley immediately starts sobbing and runs out.  Jaime is giving his opinion about her laziness as Assley walks back in to the kitchen and of course step-dad Chris comes to her rescue and says she can stay in the house.  Jacqueline buries her face in her oversized wine glass and doesn’t plan on coming out.

Back at the Wakile’s, Victoria is getting ready for her big dance.  Kathy is super emotional, she’s a hot ass mess over this.  Victoria’s date, Paulie arrives and Richie can’t wait to bust his balls.  He’s asking questions and he takes out a nutcracker and he asks Paulie Walnuts if he’s ever had broken nuts.  Victoria comes down the stairs and Richie is furious about the dress being so short and tells her she needs to put jeans on.

At the Giudice’s, the photographer arrives and Papa Gorga was at the optometrist, so the poor guy doesn’t know whether to shit or go blind.  This guy is workin’ that surly like nobody’s bidness.  Now the photographer, Linda Marie, she is a party in a glass.  She’s ready to have some fun wrangling Papa Gorga and the kids.  G to the ia goes outside to greet Melissa and Joe and Audriana manages to lock them out, how could that happen when Audriana is under constant supervision?  Joe is talking to Papa and they are very concerned for his health.  We have a flashback to the Christening and boy was Joe out of his ever-lovin’ mind back on that fateful day.  He has really grown on me since the shows have aired and Teresa has de-volved right off the rails.

Joe wants to get Papa a drink, but G to the ia cuts him off before they can get to the wine.  Teresa asks Melissa to help her dress Audriana.  What is funny here is that Audriana seems to take to Melissa quite well.  Teresa launches a jet stream of bullshit out of her mouth about how she loves Joe and Melissa, blah, blah, blah.  Melissa is taking it in and Teresa is totally pissed that Audriana keeps reaching for Melissa to hold her.  Even her kids can’t stand her anymore!

Teresa rounds up the kids with her irrational skank voice.  The photographer starts wrangling Poppa Gorga with a feather duster, saying he farted and making monkey noises.  The Gorga boys are all dressed alike with their black hats and silver crosses.  Milania stalks off and Teresa lures her back by threatening not to take her to see…ahem…Justin BEAVER.  Kathy provides a narrative, waxing philosophical about the meaning of family.

Kathy and Richie are now in some sort of tent where all the kids have gathered to leave before their dance.  Kathy makes a startling revelation, she doesn’t want a career, she wants to be a mom and celebrate all the little moments with them, their first prom, first heartbreak, opening a can of tuna fish…I guess that’s when she will have the “Did you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?” talk with Victoria.  Ugg…I just threw up in my mouth.

Back at the photo shoot, the family sits down for dinner.  Juicy is actually behaving tonight.  Hey doughboy – you go man…just do you!  Teresa goes on and on, she will do whatever it takes to make her relationship with her family work.  Joe gives a nice toast, smiles all around!

Could we possibly be ending the season on a high note???  Not so fast…feast your meatballz on this:

The Boyz II Manzos and their sassy roommate Greg sit down with Caroline and Lauren to have a nice breakfast.  Lauren says she saw Teresa’s new cookbook “Fabuvicious” and Teresa is cookin’ up more than just some Italian ingredientzes.  This bee-yotch be cookin’ up some major trouble.  Teresa rags about how Caroline deep-fries her meatballs.  Caroline calmly explains that the proper way to make a meatball is to pan fry it.  Agreed.  Greg says “Teresa, what’s your BEEF?”

Kathy and Richie browse through the cookbook and there is a section where Teresa wrote that she wishes her cousin would stop making lame jokes about her.  Kathy is puzzled, whom could Teresa be referring to?  Kathy?  Richie?  NOT BRASS KNUCKLE ROSIE?!?!?  If Teresa was putting Rosie on blast, you can bet your last dollar that Rosie would lay her out like her grandma’s pajamas.

Kathy speculates that Teresa put those disparaging things in the cookbook in order to sell more books based on gossip and skirmish.  Richie lines the garbage can with the pages of the cookbook.

Meanwhile, Melissa tells her sister Lysa that Teresa wrote in the cookbook that “her baby sister in law copies off of her from the shoes she wears to the chairs on her front porch.”  Really Tre, this all you got bitch?  I swear, this is bag-o-bats crazy Teresa at her finest.  Melissa doesn’t want to get involved in the triangle that is Joe and Teresa and she says “I have seed my way out of it.”  Oh Melissa, you make me smile.  Allow me to translate:  This is an A and B conversation, so C your way out of it, Melissa.

Teresa is lugging in the framed family portrait, barking at the kids to follow her.  Audriana is wandering around in front of the house behind the bushes where there is a homeless man drinking hose water.  But Teresa would NEVER leave her children unattended.  Now Milania is playing WWF with Audriana on the ottoman, stepping on her back, jumping on the couch, but they are never left unattended.  Teresa shows Jacqueline the portrait and leaves to go find her hammer, G to the ia tells Jacqueline that Melissa controls Joe.  Sounds like Teresa talkin’.

Jacqueline is upset because Assley is causing stress and she is breaking out.  She is applying makeup while Teresa yammers on about what a bad friend she has been.  Actually, that is the only honest statement that has come out of this miscreant’s mouth for the past 19 episodes.  Teresa feigns interest in Jacqueline’s problems and tries to give her some half-assed advice.  Well sit you half-ass down Tre, it’s about to get pummeled by the lynch mob you insulted in the INTRODUCTION TO YOUR COOK BOOK!

Back at the Manzo’s, Lauren continues to read from the book of Fabuvicious, “Caroline is as Italian as the Olive Garden.”  Sassy Greg gives a “AWWW….Hell NO!”  Caroline says it’s bizarre that Teresa never mentioned this stuff to her before the book came out.  Caroline recognizes that the tides have changed.  Lauren says “so then she ends the introduction…”  The Boyz II Manzo’s scream in unison… “That’s the INTRODUCTION?!?!?”  This is getting juicy…she ends the introduction by saying “I am a big fan of Caroline Manzo, even if she is only 1/16 Italian, or whatever she is.”  At this point, you can just see the smoke coming out of Caroline’s ears.  Christopher says “I wonder who did the math on that.”  And Greg gets line of the night:  “Maybe their accountant!”  Now that’s funny!

Lauren then drops the ultimate bomb and reads the part about how Teresa doesn’t condone a stripper carwash, which was Christopher’s idea earlier in the series.  Lauren does a spot on impression of Teresa by saying “it was a joke…get it?”

Jacqueline puts Teresa on a gentle blast about the comments in the book about Caroline.  Teresa does exactly what Lauren said, acted like it was a joke and then changes the subject saying she called Caroline twice, and she didn’t call back, and look at her mother of 4 and she had time to call.  Teresa, put a scuzzy, toe-jam ridden sock in it!

Caroline is disappointed in Teresa, but she went after Christopher, and we all know when you go after the Boyz II Manzo’s, Mama Manzo ain’t havin’ it.

Teresa actually has the ballz to say to Jacqueline that they are being too sensitive and she is getting mad because they are nit-picking every little thing.  Really Miss Tre?  Nobody can use the word “unattended” or “detached” in front of you or you’ll snap like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.  Now that’s normal.  Is she for f*cking serious right now?!?!

We end the episode with the little recap of where they are now:

Jacqueline:  Assley still lives at home, she has no job, and has legally changed her name to Asslee.  That makes it better.  Maybe next year she will be Assleigh.  Jacqueline is still tyring to keep da’ peace!  She’d be better off trying to play hockey in a sandbox.

Teresa:  Compares herself to Lucille Ball because she is so damn funny.  She has taken complete & utter delusion and absolute & total f*ckery to a new level.  Her second book spent one week on the NY Times bestseller list.  Juicy abandoned his bankruptcy filing and Teresa is workin’ da’ pole to bring home da’ bacon.

Kathy:  Kathy is still hoping to open a dessert company by using Richie’s deep, dark chocolate cake bank roll.  She has vowed never to use the word “unattended” in Teresa’s presence.  Good call Kath, that would just be uncivilized.

Melissa:  “On Auto tune Display” reached #14 on the I-Tunes dance chart.  She and Joe just celebrated baby Joey’s 1st birthday with their in-laws, and the dead-beat Guidice’s didn’t show.

Caroline:  Is Caroline done with Teresa?  Does a fish have a water tight asshole?  You Betcha!  Caroline hopes to take her radio show to the Big Apple and she hopes Teresa learns the recipe for friendship.

DAAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNNNNNN!  The reunion is going to be:  A) EPIC, B) Kerfuffle at its finest, so I will C) you then!

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