Rub One Out

We pick up right where we left off with Tre and Juicy still harping about Kathy’s comments and Tre seems to be really bothered that Kathy used the word “detached”.  Juice man says “detached, what does she know…detached wha!?!?”  These two are severely detached, from reality.  Richie goes into the men’s room to pacify Juicy and in his private comments to the camera, Richie says he thinks Teresa was dropped on her head too many times as a baby.  The guys are freshening up and Richie has used up all the paper towels so Juicy has to wipe his face with his schweddy shorts.  Ewwww…a collective ewwww.

Chris and Jacqueline take a walk on the beach to get away from the drama.  The Boyz II Manzos and their sassy roommate Greg also take a stroll while they enjoy their cigars.  They wander over by the bathrooms and they are trying to spy on Tre in the bathroom as she changes into her post dust-up swimsuit.  They all migrate to the bar and Teresa starts whirling like a C3PO dervish.  The Boyz II Manzos tease her and say she looks like an Oscar, they want to hold her in their arms and thank their parents.  All she is really missing from her outfit is a pole.

Back on the beach at the bonfire, Melissa is siding with Kathy and they continue to carry on about the argument.  Jacqueline asks Teresa what the hell is going on, but Tre is not getting to the root of her problem.  The gang lines up for some Dominican porridge and Teresa is acting like everything is peachy keen.  Richie uses the bonfire as a metaphor for the Kathy/Teresa argument.  “If you keep adding wood, it’s gonna burn, so just piss on it and move on.”  Well said, Richie, well said.  Joe and Melissa vow not to get involved and Kathy and Richie leave the gathering and call it a night.

Juicy starts being a total chachbag and he asks Joe “what’s the capital of Thailand?”  Then he says “BANGCOCK” and punches Joe in the nutz.  Joe is okay because Tarzan knew it was coming and he quickly pulled a bob and weave maneuver.  Then they get into the debate about which Joe is taller.  Turns out, they are the same height.  Joe challenges Juicy to measure their “Tarzan” parts, but Juicy is not up for it.  He would rather see who could do the best cartwheel and finish it off with a face plant.  Teresa and Joe keep knockin’ back the sauce, get all sappy, and hug it out.  The war is over, until they sober up and start another petty argument.

Albert is comforting Caroline in bed the next day as she is getting over her migraine.  He gives her the beach party drama in a coconut shell.  They agree that Tre has taken things out of context once again and if Teresa doesn’t cool her jets, Caroline may miss the entire vacation due to another migraine.

Meanwhile, in the Gorga’s room, Joe is trying to encroach on Melissa’s shower time.  He gets in the shower and we hear her say repeatedly “Noooo!”  Joe…no means no man!  The Boyz II Manzos come in to pick up Joe for the big golf outing, but he is still in the shower trying to coerce his wife to do something that he says “if you do it right, it takes 3 seconds.”  Nothing to brag about Joe, nothing to brag about!  Christopher is lurking around the corner with a giant stick of bamboo and Melissa runs out of the shower shrieking and we are treated to the Full Monty by Joe!  He is not at all self-conscious and he stands there like “c’mon…” and Melissa is mortified.  The Boyz II Manzos are cracking up because Joe has no shame.  Geez Joe, can you give her 5 minutes alone to wash the sand out of her ass crack?!?!?

Back at the other Villa, Teresa is whirling around like a dervish again, but this time in a blinding hot pink dress.  New from Mattel, it’s PSYCHO BARBIE!  Caroline has about had it with Teresa’s antics.  The men go off to the golf course and they are horsing around on the carts and Joe is dropping his pants.  Juicy can’t hit the ball to save his life, he whiffs twice and they are laughing at him like a bunch of hyenas.

The ladies are all heading out to shop and Teresa rains on their parade and tells them they are going food shopping.  Melissa is totally confused and Teresa un-lightens her by explaining that she is doing research for her new Italian/Italian fusion cookbook and she needs to research ingredientzes.  Melissa is totally bummed because she wanted to stock up on tube tops at the Skankarella Outlet Mall.  They head out in two separate cavalcades:  Jacqueline, Caroline, Lauren, and Teresa vs. Melissa, Kathy, and Sassy Greg.  I have to give the Melissa, Kathy, and Sassy Greg the award here because they come up with a great example of how idiotic Teresa is being.  Kathy points to a tree and says that Teresa could look at the tree and say “oh that reminds me, you said something about my kids”.  Greg says “That tree was left unattended, just like you said my kid was!”  That is the other hot-button word with Teresa “unattended”.

They arrive at the market so Teresa can do her “research”.  Meanwhile, the boys are still golfing.  Joe says he is off his game because Melissa wouldn’t give it up, he has all that “poison” in him.  Chris tells him to “go rub one out in the woods.”  Oy vey…Albert tells the gang he would consider it a personal favor if none of them ever play golf again.

Back at the Market of Unidentifiable Meats, the ladies are completely freaked out by the blood and carnage.  This must be where Lady GaGa bought her meat dress.  Melissa is very distressed about stepping in blood with her Gucci shoes.  Teresa keeps picking up random cuts of raw animal and running after the other ladies.  Melissa lectures Teresa about the disease poultry carries.  Teresa thinks it’s Semolina.  I could see how easily she could confuse wheat with foodborne illness.  Caroline is clinging to Greg for dear life.  Teresa is acting like she is at Nieman Marcus and she asks the Dominicans if they have spices, like salt.  The others are all screaming and fleeing like they are being chased by Chupacabra, but Tre doesn’t care because she is a New York Times bestselling author.

The Boyz II Manzos and sassy Greg assemble themselves at the lounge before dinner.  Albie is a bit stressed out about the impending launch party for the BLK water.  Christopher and Greg tell him to chill out and stop making mountains out of molehills.  They mosey over to the restaurant “Zen” which appears to be a hibachi grill of sorts.  Albie says he starved himself so he could eat a lot on the trip, but he’s had nothing but diarrhea.  WTMI Albie, WTMI.  They are the only ones on time and the rest of the crew shuffles in.  Juicy and Teresa make an entrance and Juicy decides to motorboat Teresa.  Teresa is shrieking and using her outdoor irrational skank voice already.  Kathy says they are late because she was not feeling well.  The fighting with Teresa is making her stomach upset.

The Boyz II Manzos decide to have a Punta Princess contest based on style, intellect, and creativity.  They give Teresa the style award for looking like Lindsey Blowhan in her fedora, and because she lost her suitcase and still pulled it together.  Creativity went to Kathy for her turquoise jewelry.  The final category is intellect and they ask who the Vice President of the United States is.  Teresa can’t stand to be out of the action for a milli-second and screeches “Clinton!”  Sheesh Teresa, get back into your cocktail.  Lauren rolls her eyes and looks like she would rather eat Joe Gorga’s fromunda cheese than bear witness to this contest.  Finally, Melissa guesses Dick Cheney and then Biden, so they give it to her.  They go to sudden death to break the tie, they ask what continent Cairo is on and Melissa confidently answers “Antarctica!”  Greg says, “oh Melissa Gorga, you melt my ice cold heart every time.”

They are all getting ready to depart and Teresa’s lost bag finally arrives.  Kathy and Richie are packing up and Kathy says she is not even going to talk to Teresa because she doesn’t want to get into a fista cuffs on the plane and get kicked off.  Richie says they don’t want to distract the pilot with her screeching voice.  I can’t even imagine how annoying that must have been on this trip, I only had to endure a sliver of it during this episode, and I am ready to launch through my television and choke the bitch out.  As they leave the resort, Albert says he would “rather be in hell then on vacation with you people.”  Ouch…although I agree…I might go a-coo-coo-pants if I had to be around Teresa for more than 3 minutes.

Back in Jersey, Melissa meets the Boyz II Manzo’s at the rinky, dinky, cheesy club called Kiss & Fly.  Melissa is unleashing her inner diva making all these crazy demands of the venue and tells them that Joe is on the phone trying to secure two tigers for her performance.  She whips out a contract rider, which contains her requirements:

  • Four cases of Schlitz malt liquor
  • A giant brandy snifter filled with only green M & M’s
  • Two boxes of cornstarch so she can easily maneuver in and out of her schweddy leather pants

Melissa goes to meet her choreographer to practice her moves and she’s a hot ass mess.  The backup dancers look like they want to punch her in the throat with an open fist.  Melissa is totally off her game from the vacation, maybe she should go rub one out in the woods.

The day of the launch party arrives and the Boyz II Manzos are scurrying to set up the venue.  One of the Soul Diggaz is at the event and he is very excited about the black water because it’s water for “his people”.  Melissa is trying to do her sound check and she is standing on the little platform stage, it reminds me of the little wooden bridge you walked over when you graduated from being a brownie to a girl scout.

The gang arrives to the party and they all pose on the step-n-repeat.  Caroline has busted out her inner ‘80’s hairdo and she looks like Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran.

Albie scolds Assley before she even has a chance to misbehave and tells her she cannot be doing any drinking.  Assley’s friend asks her what she is up to and she tells her nothing, no work, no school, just being an ass.  I have to say, I have not missed the presence of this little bandersnatch over the last few episodes.  Although it looks like next week, we will be getting a healthy dose of her bitchassiness.

We cut to Melissa backstage and she is chowing on a granola bar and yammering on about starting at a launch party on a small stage “half-assed doin’ it.”  Melissa looks like she took a handful of mood stabilizers and chased it with a gallon of gin.  Melissa seriously looks like she has been heavily tranquilized.  She says a final prayer and says the performance is for her father and she is ready to blow the roof off the dump.  It’s painfully obvious that she is lip-synching.  Melissa said she wanted to be just like Britney, someone get Melissa a bag of Funions and an Orange Fanta…STAT!!!!

Juicy makes some nice comments about Melissa’s performance and the gang is all rainbows and lollipops.  Teresa approaches Kathy to go outside for a talk.  Kathy’s sister ROSIE is standing by with her brass knuckles in case things get outta hand.  She gives Teresa the stink eye and keeps a close watch on the two of them.  She’s ready to go medieval on Teresa’s ass.  We will quickly beta-cap:  Tre apologizes, beach incident, like sisters, miss that, overreacted, brought me to that place, parenting thing, you’re a great mom, sisters, connect again, I want that, I want that too, so proud of cookbook, family, your girls, my girls, don’t hold grudges, respect, I LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU TOO, let’s go party!  Teresa and Richie kiss and make up too and Teresa asks him if he still loves her, to which he replies “I’ve always loved you, you son of a bitch!”  Now dem’s fightin’ words!

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