Caroline and Jacqueline are in the car discussing the 5K they are going to run in prep for the trip to Punta Cana. Jacqueline comments that everyone seems to be getting along and Caroline looks at her like “Guuuuuuurrrl Pleeeaze!” They arrive at Jacqueline’s and Teresa is sitting in her driveway, which is odd because Jacqueline says she never comes over unannounced. They are giving hugs in the kitchen and Teresa starts re-hashing the events of the book signing. As usual, she has a completely delusional view of what happened. Caroline is laughing about this, two grown men are fighting over texts. Maybe they can just thumb wrestle it out. Teresa is concerned because Milania’s birthday party is coming up. Caroline suggests that everyone attend the party and the two Joe’s act like adults and play nice in the sandbox. They ask Teresa to call Melissa right there on the spot so they can listen. The conversation goes off the rails fast, Teresa brings up the Christening and Melissa pops off like a howler monkey. Jacqueline and Caroline are waving their arms around trying to stop the crazy train. Teresa is the conductor of the crazy train and she has a one-way ticket.
At the Wakile’s they are up early in prep for the big 5K run. Kathy is all psyched because she can knock out this 5K in her sleep. Meanwhile, at the Giudice’s, Teresa is doing some running of her own, to the toilet. We see her come out of her bathroom as the toilet flushes and she is spraying air freshener. That’s never a good sign of anything. She waddles away complaining about her stomach. She is trying to roll Juicy out of bed and we are treated to a shot of Juice man in his underwear. Between her screaming ass shitz and that image, I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit. He looks like 10 lbs. of shit in a 5 lb. bag. Teresa is contemplating how she can run when she has the runs. She is then standing over Juicy because he won’t get up and she says she will put her butt hole in his face. That is the true definition of love, when you don’t have to hold your farts anymore.
The Manzo’s arrive at the Laurita’s to go to the race and Juicy calls them to say he is bringing sausage and wine, breakfast of champions. We cut to Juicy cutting the sausage with a little crank slicer in his kitchen. I don’t know where this sausage came from, but it looks gnarly.
The Manzo’s are making fun of Teresa and Juicy, it’s becoming rather evident that the Giudice’s are losing friends faster than they lost their furniture. Ha! You can put that in your Juice box and suck it! They all arrive at the Cupid’s Chase 5K run for charity. Of course, they are all late and the race started ten minutes ago. Juicy is being a mean girl and is already starting in on Joe with the wise cracks. He just said to Teresa in the car “I don’t start nuthin’!” Bullshit, I bet he also claims he likes to go to Hooter’s for the food.
I think it’s Melissa’s voice in the background yelling, “there’s a lot of camel toes up in here!” Kathy and Richie are the only ones actually taking this race seriously. They are bound and determined to beat Juicy like a rental car. It looks like Juicy and Teresa are running the wrong way and Juicy is just bitching and complaining the whole way. The Manzo crew finds a way to cheat and cut through the route. Melissa and the Boyz II Manzo’s sassy roommate Greg are becoming quite chummy. Teresa is running around aimlessly and she is dressed like YU-GI-OH. Juicy is walking under an overpass, I think it’s the same overpass where Caroline and Albert got engaged.
Chris and Albie are having Joe and Melissa over to their apartment. Greg is as giddy as a schoolgirl because he thinks Melissa is the mutt’s nuts and he has a man-crush on Joe. The Boyz II Manzo’s have a step and repeat set up for photo ops and Melissa says there is something about her and Greg, they just click. The Boyz II Manzo’s are talking about their promotional event they have coming up for the black water. Greg suggests they listen to Melissa’s single and consider having her sing at the event. They don’t like the song, but they pretend to and ask her to perform at the launch party.
Meanwhile, Lauren and Vito are at home and they are going to re-enact the pottery scene from “Ghost” only they will use fresh mozzarella. They are workin’ it, workin’ it, it’s so romantic. Then they sit down to eat the fruits of their labor and some sausage.
Back in Joeboken, the gang is all out partying. Greg and Melissa are planning a shopping trip together and Joe comes up and says “fondle my wife, I wanna see!” He is crazier than a bag o’ bats and Greg is officially Melissa’s gay husband. Melissa thinks she is Patti Stanger and she is trying to pick out bar-sluts to hook up with Albie. Joe is outside of the bar with a group of men talking about his junk, which he has affectionately nicknamed “Tarzan” and he boasts about how Tarzan is well groomed. WTMI Joey G., WTMI!
The next day, Teresa is dressing Milania for her birthday party and she is having a fit. She wants her big crown and her princess dress, she says “I like what I like!” She storms out and throws a tantrum. Teresa quickly realizes that talking Milania into wearing the Punky Brewster getup she has on is like trying to talk the Pope into wearing a condom. She eventually caves in to Milania’s whim while the middle child watches on. I swear, that middle girl is just going to snap one day and stab Teresa in her sleep. No one is safe.
Teresa and Juicy are conserving this year by having the birthday party at their pizzeria. Every time Teresa talks about saving money on the party, they keep showing screen shots of the red gingham checkered paper plates with an orange .99¢ sticker on them. It’s a fine line between frugal and cheap.
Teresa is en route to the party and Milania is sound asleep in the back of the car and G to the ia tells Tre that she has a surprise for her uncle Joe. As guests are arriving, Teresa is directing them to put all the gifts underneath a folding table, which I find odd. Usually there would be a gift table, not just stash them under the table so we can sneak ‘em out da’ back, but hey…it’s Jersey! Caroline and Albert look like they would rather eat their own earwax than be at this birthday party. Caroline and Kathy discuss the upcoming trip and Caroline tells her she is very afraid. She is just planning to stay in a cabana and suck on a mojito while everyone else kills each other and then whoever is left can come back to Jersey. Sounds like a solid plan.
Teresa is making a stink because Melissa and Joe show up late and she was waiting on them before they made the pizza. Juicy darts off into the kitchen and Teresa confronts him about not saying hello, Juicy picks his nose and walks away. That’s what you wanna see before he makes your pizza! The kids are all rolling out dough and having fun while the adults wait for one of the Joes to blow. They decide to sing happy birthday and there is a pizza cake and then another cake that looks like Little Mermaid. Because she needs two cakes? She is blowing out the candles and all the guests start yelling “BLOW MILANIA! BLOW!” Poor kid, probably not the last time she will hear that.
G to the ia sings a little ditty she wrote for Milania and it’s very sweet. She has another song for Teresa and Joe and she can’t even sing because she stars crying. It’s very sad and pathetic that she is so upset by these two chuckleheads and their fighting. Joe feels terrible, but Teresa is still in la la land. She always puts on that happy fake smile and pretends everything is just fabulicious. Teresa keeps telling her that she and Joe love each other and that she doesn’t need to worry. G to the ia tells them to start acting like it.
Joe says that G to the ia is so great because she has his heart. Of course, Teresa argues and says she is great because she came out of her stomach. OY! She is more than I can take at times. Teresa is trying to get Joe and Juicy to “kiss and make up”, but the chances of that are slim to none.
Kathy is hopeful that the trip will bring everyone back together, but based on the preview for next week, it looks like she and Tre finally have it out.