Oh Joe He Di’int!

We start this week with the Boyz II Manzo’s arriving at their grandmother’s former home, which is now their new office.  Caroline tells us that they are a family of entrepreneurs, her father used to own a plastics molding injection company.  So he must be the one that does all the work on the housewives faces!  I kid, I kid…Caroline looks great and clearly hasn’t had a lick of work done to her mug.

The Boyz II Manzos will be working for New Star Group with their uncle Chris.  We are treated to a shot of Christopher Manzo sitting in his office chair, and my hand to God, he licks his fingers and then picks his nose.  That kid is just disgusting, he must be so used to being on camera now that he forgets.  He tells us that being in the new office is awkward because it used to be his grandma’s house where he would shit his pants and open Christmas presents.  I’ll tell you what’s awkward homeboy, licking your fingers and sticking them in your nose on camera!

Christopher starts talking about writing a book about toilets and good places to shit while you are on vacation.  Why is this kid obsessed with poop?  Albie is against this, of course.  But leave it to Joey, Caroline’s nephew who is also part of New Star, to give Christopher props for “thinking outside the box.”  Yea Christopher, thinkin’ outside the shitbox.  Why don’t you ponder an important question in life such as why do they call it “taking a dump”, when you are actually leaving something behind?

His other brilliant idea is a breathalyzer on the cell phone so you can’t be drunk dialing or texting.  The only problem with that is you may need to call or text for someone to come pick your drunk ass up.  Albie wins the scene when he says “Assley should have that on her Twitter account.”  Well played Albie, well played.

Richie and Kathy are getting ready for his birthday dinner, which is supposed to be a surprise, but he knows about it.  Richie says that he is a jokester because when he came to the states from Beirut, he did not know the language.  Apparently, he still has not learned the language of comedy.  He asks Kathy how her get together went and she tells Richie about Teresa and Juicy’s restaurant venture.  Richie says he didn’t know Juicy Joe still had it in him while he slugs down a pre-party fistful of scotch.  Kathy tells Richie that Tre and Juicy are not coming to the party and he thanks her for that Birthday gift.

Joe and Melissa are en route to the party and Joe can’t stop talking about how great Melissa looks and he loves the fact that she isn’t wearing a bra.  Well if Melissa is not wearing an over the shoulder boulder holder, I wonder if Joe is wearing an under the butt nut hut.  Melissa fills him in on the cattiness from Kathy’s party and how Teresa was being a real flaming shit heel.  Joe says that if Teresa could be happy for other people and their successes, there would be no problem.  Well said, Joe, well said.  It is here we see Joe exhibit such range and exchange, he can go from talking about Melissa’s lack of undergarments to Teresa’s underlying psychological issues.

The clan arrives at the Aladdin restaurant for Richie’s B-Day bash and we are treated to a shot of Rosie!  Well actually Rosie, doing a shot!  The group is having a nice time drinking and smoking the hookah pipes.  The group is a bit disappointed that they can’t have Italian food, they will be super disappointed once the munchies kick in.  Caroline is more concerned that all of these strangers are smoking from the same filter tip on the hookah pipe.  Apparently, Caroline never went to a party in the 70’s.  They are all getting high and dizzy and Joe is fawning over Melissa and says he wants to smell her armpit.  Kathy is biting Richie’s tongue.  What in the actual f*ck is going on here?  Joe starts talking about Melissa’s scar on her back from open heart surgery.  Melissa explains that she was only seven when she had surgery and her mother insisted that they cut her back and not her chest.  What she didn’t know at the time was that she would have several knives in her back for the rest of her life.  At least your true friends stab you in the front.

Richie is greeted with a birthday cake with a couple of M-80’s on it and then the belly dancers start.  Joe saunters out to the dance floor and ties his shirt above his tummy and really gets down.  Careful Joe, keep your arms below the gay line.  Rosie starts throwing money around and Jacqueline and Melissa get out there to dance for the dough.  Richie says “Melissa is a great singer, but can’t f*ckin’ dance to save her life.”  Sidebar:  Richie really gives me the creeps, that face could make a freight train take a dirt road.  Melissa calls Jacqueline a “closet whore” again this week.  They are really letting their hair down and becoming sloptart friends.  Teresa would be so pissed off right now if she were there.

Teresa and Jacqueline are visiting in Jacqueline’s bathroom discussing what to wear to Lauren’s opening party at Chateau.  Teresa whips out this hideous hot pink fur coat with iridescent royal blue undertones.  Have you always wanted to look like a tranny catfish who dresses like a pimp?  Jacqueline shows Teresa the dress she wants to wear and tells her it was $55.00 and Teresa recoils in horror.  The look on Teresa’s face is priceless, well it’s about $55.00.  Jacqueline tells Teresa a bit about Richie’s party and Teresa isn’t fazed, she knows that Jacqueline and Caroline are her friends.  They sit down by Jacqueline’s bathtub to drink some wine and eat some Italian snausage bites.  Bathtub ledge moments with Jacqueline and Teresa.  That’s a new one.

The ladies arrive at the Chateau opening and Melissa says “Holy coat” in regard to Teresa’s pimped out faux fur.  Lauren shows Jacqueline the tee-shirt that Assley finally finished.  It’s not that impressive, the other sketches she had were much better.  Jacqueline and Assley are at least being civil at this point.  Thank goodness, Assley did not get much camera time this week, I have had enough of that guttersnipe.

The next day, Teresa is at the grocery store buying fresh ingredientces (yes, she said it again this season, so that proves she really thinks it’s a word) and Milania is being an abominable handful.  She is adorable, but she would make me nutz.  She is climbing on the produce, climbing in the freezers, and Teresa decides that she has to call Joe right in that moment to invite him to her book signing.  She can’t possibly wait to call him until she is done in the store?  Milania is climbing around the produce again and ends ass down on top of a party platter.  Teresa says she was good and gives her a high five.  Crushing the top of a cheese and meat tray with your ass is good behavior?

Melissa greets the Soul Diggaz to work on more recordings in her dungeon studio.  Her sisters are along for the show and Melissa is having trouble warming up.  She’s a bit pitchy, dawg.  She finally gets into the pocket and the sistaz and the Soul Diggaz are rockin’ out and drinking all of Joe’s expensive wine.  Meanwhile Joe is out bringin’ home da’ bacon so she can buy more booze and hot pants.

The Boyz II Manzo’s are meeting with a potential client for their new business venture.  The clients are hocking BLK Water.  The water is black in color because of the folvic acid.   At first, I thought she said vulvic acid, and I must admit, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.  The ladies seem a bit nervous entrusting the young bucks to promote the black beverage.  The boyz do pretty well speaking about their experience and dedication to sales and they have a deal.

Melissa and Joe are in their hats and having a talk about the threatening text messages Joe has received from Juicy.  He calls them fake for going to the book signing, threatens him and calls him names.  Joe is upset about this because he feels like it is hurting the kids more than anything.  Melissa seems to think that Juicy and Teresa are jealous of them and Teresa keeps pitting Juicy against Joe.  Joe says that one day he is going to snap, as if going completely spider monkey at the Christening wasn’t enough.

Leave it to Teresa to be late for her own book signing and she is calling Joe from the car to remind him.  I have to give Joe props, his message says “leave a message, but I prefer a text.”  So she leaves him a message…classic passive aggressive behavior if I have ever seen it.

She gets to the book store looking like a complete skank whore in her “pay me” pumps (I mean that in the best way).  The store looks like a small mom and pop shop.  What kind of GD book signing is this?  Her fans are a bit of a mixed bag and she gets a proposal from a nerdy young man.  Teresa is ruminating because she has so many friends and fans, but her family is in complete and utter disarray.  In walk the Wakile’s, not at all awkward.  Richie is asking where the champagne and hours d’ oeuvres are.  Sorry Richie, it’s not that kind of a book signing.  Finally, Melissa and Joe arrive in their knit caps, just as Teresa is packing up the shit show, Joe buys 10 books and has Teresa sign one for him.  He shouts to the book store owner “that’s my sister!”  In a rare, genuine moment, you can see how proud he is of Teresa.  She starts getting choked up and Joe has her read the inscription out loud to him.  It says she loves him and misses him, he gives her a kiss, but she admits she wants a hug.  Joe can’t leave well enough alone and he has to de-rail the crazy train.  He tells Teresa to talk to Juicy and tell him to stop sending threatening texts.  She doesn’t seem to know what he is talking about, but then she says that Juicy thinks they came to the book signing just for show.  Melissa states this is the first time they were invited and Teresa says it was on facebook.  Oy vey Teresa, stop with the facebook thing.  Sho ‘nuff, the facebook comment really grinds Melissa’s gears and she reveals that Teresa de-friended her and nonetheless, she does not want an invitation via facebook.  Joe is thoroughly annoyed says that the bottom line is that if she wants him in her life, she and Juicy need to knock their shit off.

Teresa arrives home to what appears to be a party.  The Juice man is juiced and the G to the ia and another girl are doing gymnastics on a mat in the hallway.  G to the ia busts out a flip and Juice man decides he is going to do a little tumbling demonstration of his own and he face plants right into the marble floor.  He chips his front tooth and G to the ia goes abnormally ballistic.  C’mon Juice man…walk it off!  They show a shot of the Juice man with his chipped front tooth and Teresa says he looks like “Tales from the Creeped.”  God she is a gem!  He has summer teeth now Tre…summer here and some are there…

Teresa is telling her friends about the book signing and they are joking about the maloik, which is a hand sign formed by extending the index and little fingers while holding the middle and ring fingers down with the thumb.  This sign is used to ward off bad luck, or the evil eye.  Sidebar:  In sign language, this sign is used to communicate “I Love You”.  Interesting…Teresa is trying to ask Juicy why the animosity towards Joe.  Juicy swigs some more of his haterade and goes on a drunkalogue peppered with f’bombs.  Teresa asks to see the texts that Juicy sent and he hands the phone to John, a family friend.  He says that Juice man has “faggot” in his phone as Joe’s name.  The family friend is trying to paraphrase and we see a screen shot of the phone, this is texting at its finest.  This is a true meeting of the Mensa minds:

Faggot (a.k.a. Joe):  Stupid ass I just realized what ur tex said

Me (a.k.a. Juicy):  Watch who you call stupid ass before I put your jaw on one of those metal cages

It’s anarchy, I tell you.  Juicy keeps rambling on and on, he is three sheets to the wind.  He starts talking about his mother getting her hair pulled at the Christening and their female friends are outraged.  He just keeps babbling and riling everyone up.  He’s definitely campaigning hard for resident douchebag on the show.  Congrats, buddy, you’re well on your way!

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