We pick up where we left off last week at the Double Crown Diner for a double dose of drama. Chris is still trying to calm Jacqueline down, meanwhile Assley doesn’t miss a beat and she is feverishly texting away until Matt demands she put the phone down and listen to him. I’m so glad Assley allows us to live on her planet, I don’t know where else we would all go!
Jacqueline is still a hot ass mess and Chris tells her that his honest opinion is that Jacqueline is always ready for a fight. I have to give Chris props for saying that and not just placating her. He is trying to be impartial and that cannot be easy for him. But he’s a Manzo by association, so we know he’s got ballz of steel. Stepmom Jodi points out to Assley that they didn’t get along when Assley lived with them. There’s a shocker! Matt and Jody take Assley downstairs to apologize to Jacqueline, but Jacqueline is so pissed off she doesn’t even want to hear it and she knows that Matt is forcing her to do it. They commence arguing about the family therapy they tried and this sparks another source of contention. The men are trying to talk sense into Assley and it’s going nowhere fast. Chris and Jacqueline have a private moment alone, but we hear Jacqueline tell him that she worked so hard to raise Assley and now she doesn’t get to enjoy any results of her work. Chris tells Assley this, but she doesn’t care and feels like she is being blamed for Jacqueline not having a career. Oy vey, there is not enough therapy in the universe that could help these two.
Kathy is prepping for her “Embrace Your Inner Goddess” party where the girls will be able to taste various Middle Eastern dishes. She invites “Zen” Jen, the Energist over to clear the evil energy in the house. We learn that “Zen” Jen has also worked with Dina Manzo. Zen is going to smudge the house and Richie says he’s glad he didn’t take a shower yet. He is observing her things as she sets them out and he asks her whose ashes she has. She explains that it’s a bottle of sand to put the sage bundle out when they are done. So, I guess Richie thought she would spread around some ashes of a dead, unknown person and burn the giant sage doobie? Oy, a collective oy! The sage bundle looks like a gargantuan joint for a mastodon, the thing is uuuge. Richie is happy Kathy is having the tasting party so the girls will see that she can cook and then he takes a pot shot at Teresa who he says is just taking her mother’s recipes and putting them in a book.
Assley arrives at the Manzo’s to meet Lauren about the status of the tee shirt design. It’s been a month and Assley has nothing to show her. Assley promises to leave and do a sketch right away. Her stupidity is showing once again. If she is actually going to do that, which she won’t, why didn’t she just do it before the meeting with Lauren? I just want to choke her out! Then she starts whining about her family situation and how stressed she is. Lauren puts her on blast and calls her out on playing the “poor me” card.
Teresa and Juicy are headed in to speak to their legal counsel. Teresa’s liability has been extinguished, but da’ Juice man owes $260K. Juicy’s take away from this is to lie, always lie, never tell the truth, lie like a fly, lie like a rug. Good lookin’ out Juice man…good lookin’ out. The assets will be deeded to Teresa and therefore they do not have to put their assets up for public auction. Teresa stands by da’ Juice man and is not upset with him one bit. Teresa’s take away is that since she stands to lose nothing, they won the case. I think these two have been huffing on that giant sage bundle.
Kathy is setting up for her “Goddess” party and Melissa is the first to arrive. I am sure when Teresa arrives, she is going to rip into Melissa’s outfit choice. She does look a little like a Jersey strip joint cocktail waitress that works the lunch shift on Mondays. Richie left some Holy Water for Teresa and they are laughing about it, but Melissa is reminded of what Teresa said about Richie being “into her.” Kathy lets it roll off her back because it takes too much energy to be offended. Caroline, Lauren, and Jacqueline arrive and Jacqueline vents a bit about her Assley troubles and they offer their support and Caroline asked if at any point Assley was picking up her teeth off the floor. I swear they need to sit Assley down with Caroline, she would lay that kid out. They tell Jacqueline she needs to go “old skewl” on her ass. Now, now Jersey ladies, if the only tool in your tool box is a hammer, then all of your problems will look like nails. Surely, I jest, I say lay that schleprock kid out like a loose meat sandwich.
Teresa arrives, fashionably rude late, and they talk about the weather and Teresa says that (I kid you not…) “We’re supposed to get a Norwegian.” Right away, I know what she is trying to say and the rest of the ladies say, “you mean NOREASTER!” At that point, Victoria says she is going to go study. I think Teresa should join her. I swear with Teresa, it’s like Christmas every day!
This would be an intelligence and bra optional party. The ladies start eating and Teresa is balking at everything. Teresa said for a “Goddess” party she expected naked Goddess men passing the food around. So many things wrong with this Teresa, men are not Goddesses. Have the recent exploits of Charlie Sheen taught you nothing? Kathy gives each of the ladies a Goddess bracelet and says something nice about each of them. Her compliment to Teresa is that she has the ability to put a smile on her face regardless of what is going on around her. And…wait for it…bam…there it is, Teresa takes it as a dig. No matter what you say to her, she will take it the wrong way.
Caroline offers up an apology to Kathy because she didn’t give Kathy a chance at first. Caroline talks about Kathy’s catering aspirations and the advice that Albert gave them about not opening a restaurant. Leave it to Teresa to spout off and claim that she and the Juice man are opening a restaurant. Melissa says that if it isn’t going to be Teresa’s moment, then it won’t be anyone’s moment. She hit that nail right on the head. Clearly Teresa is talkin’ out of her brown eye here. She’s going to be the hostess and wear beautiful gowns, she’s going to teach all the cooks her mother’s recipes. She is so full of shit, she has projectile diarrhea of the mouth. Yea Tre, you and Juicy open that restaurant, you thought you had the world by the ballz with your real estate flipping and look how that turned out! Teresa should go on the other reality show “Famous Food” where the “celebrities” (and we use that term loosely), are opening a restaurant. Danielle Staub is on that show, she and Tre would be a perfect team. They could call it “Prostitution Whooooah’s” and the patrons could come in and flip the tables over and throw around the maître d’ like a rag doll. Now wouldn’t that be a real gas!?!?
Teresa continues to dis Kathy’s food and she starts behaving like a 12 year old freaking out over parsley. Teresa talks briefly about the court case and then attacks Melissa and Kathy for talking to Kim “Strait Up” G. Melissa makes a comment about the fact that Melissa and Teresa had not spoken for years and she did not know that Teresa was feuding with Kim “Strait Up” G. Teresa goes absolutely ballistic, well maybe not too ballistic, not “Prostitution Whooooah” ballistic, but she blows a total nut over the fact that Melissa said “years.” That’s her beef here, why Melissa said they didn’t talk for years. Ugh…oy…whatever Teresa, put a freakin’ sock in it! Teresa is just trying to pick a fight and Caroline and Kathy are trying to change the mood. Kathy summons the belly dancers she has hired and the ladies join in the dancing, and of course Teresa finds fault with that too. Melissa is dancing and says something about not having a bra on and then Teresa is criticizing her saying she looks like something from the Jersey Shore. Well guess what Teresa, Melissa is from the shore! Not to mention that on Christmas Eve, Trash Box Teresa wore a skirt so short, we could see her innards.
It must be a day or so after Jacqueline and Assley Doubled Down at the Double Crown Diner. Jacqueline greets Assley in the kitchen by saying “hi sunshine!” For some reason Jacqueline is dressed like she should be in an 80’s workout video. Assley starts talking about her plans to go to California and go to school. Assley says she is going to move in the spring, then the bomb goes off. Assley says she is annoyed because this was originally Jacqueline’s idea. Holy shitballz, duck and cover folks, these two are gonna go at it like a couple of rabid meerkats! Jacqueline calls for a time out and Assley calls Jacqueline a bitch. Jacqueline walks away, but she keeps poppin’ off as Chris tries to mediate with Assley. It blows up quickly, Assley storms out and calls her dad to cry and tell him a completely different story.
Bottom line is Jacqueline feels like she has failed at being a mom, which is sad. Assley feels like she is being blamed for Jacqueline not doing more with her life and having a career. These two are the stalest mates I have ever seen. Finally, Chris goes up to Assley and tells her to pack her shit and get ta’ steppin’. Jacqueline is reading a book to her sons about volcanoes, much like the one that is erupting in her own home!
Looks like more fighting and drama next week and the gang hits the hookah pipe. Good times!