This week we open with the Giudice family attempting photo ops for Teresa’s new cookbook. They are all sitting around stuffing their faces and her daughters couldn’t possibly look less interested. Little Gabriella is giving the death stare and she looks like one of those kids that will eventually start doing weird, creepy things. Milania is extremely vocal, screaming “OH MY GAWWWWD!” while Teresa is trying to put the headband back on the baby. Everyone is restless and they all look like they want to slit their wrists. Milania finally has a meltdown over the pizza dough and now the photo crew is ready to shut it down like a bad ferris wheel. Even the Creative Director, Frances Soo Ping Chow, says, “shutter down!” Yes, her name is Francis Soo Ping Chow. Teresa changes her outfit, and four hours later, they take the cover shot with her mother and G to the ia. The photographer is asking G to the ia to look at the pasta and smile and she looks like she would rather eat her own vomit.
Kathy and Richie are talking about Victoria as they are sitting in her neon pink room. Kathy wants to have “the talk” with her and Richie thinks at 16, Victoria is still a little girl. What is odd to me, is that there are various “Glamour Shots” of Victoria all over her own room. What 16 year old girl has pictures of herself made up like a hooker from Hoboken all over her own room? I think Victoria’s interactions with boys are the least of their worries. Richie seems to think this is reeeeeel simple, if Victoria is around a boy, she will imagine Richie’s face, and that will deter her from any bad behavior. It will induce vomiting, for sure. He seems to think that because we are dealing with all the same body parts and Kathy was a good girl, that Victoria will follow suit. Kathy is beating her head against a brick wall here, Richie is just being a chach.
Christopher is working at the Wicked Wolf Tavern in Hoboken so he can pay the “On Demand” bill. He says “Toy Story doesn’t pay for itself”, which I am sure is what he was watching on demand. The Laurita’s go to visit him along with Albie, Lauren, and sassy roommate Greg. Greg starts asking Assley questions and she talks about how she is working on the shirts for Lauren and it’s soooo stressful. Lauren says she reminds her of herself at 20, lazy with no ambition. Well at the whopping age of 23, you sure have come a long way, Lauren. The Boyz II Manzos start teasing Assley about turning 21 and they don’t even want to imagine what her Tweets will be like. I can tell you what the Tweets will be like, they will be mean, drunken, disrespectful Tweets. Little does Assley know, her father and stepmother are in the parking lot ready to come in and surprise her. Assley is putting her potholder hat on Greg and he makes his sleepy sea turtle face and does an impression of Assley. Lauren says he looks like a stoner. Yes, it’s the tell-tale knit hat, anyone who dares to wear, looks like a stoner. I rest my case.
Assley is very surprised to see her father, Matt, and his gargantuan head scar. He must have taken a nasty spill to have a scar like that. Assley is hugging Jodi, her stepmother, and she can’t contain her surprise. She is all emotional, but she soon realizes that she is in hot water because Jacqueline and Chris have filled in her father on what’s been going down. They start in on her right away and they agree to talk later, but that is going to go over like a lead balloon. Sidebar: Stepmom Jodi would be a perfect cast member for the Real Housewives of Bumblef*ck Texas. Then Assley could go live with them and cause drama on that show.
Meanwhile, back at Capitol Records, Melissa is chatting with her sisters about the dust up with Teresa over her singing career and rehashes the low-blows Teresa kept delivering. Her sister Lysa brings up something about Melissa and one of their cousins. Apparently, the cousin went to a medium and the medium was able to communicate to their dead father. He delivered a message for Melissa to pursue her dream and she would be a huge success. Melissa gets the chills and is overwhelmed with emotion. Now here is the cherry on the sundae, Melissa says in her private camera moment “I don’t talk to medians.” She said it twice, medians. Melissa is a sarcastic bloggers dream.
Caroline is cleaning out her closet and getting rid of all her larger clothes and she and Lauren start talking about losing weight. Caroline is sad because Lauren will never be happy with how she looks. I guess this is supposed to be a “real” moment, but we want drama damn it!
Assley is showing Jacqueline pictures of her visit with Matt and Jodi. Jacqueline asks if she will be around and if she could help babysit and Assley says “in that case I am going somewhere.” Jacqueline is hoping Matt’s visit will help straighten Assley out. Assley then tells Jacqueline she is going to California, but needs to do more research. Research on what, Ass? The cardboard box you will be living in? The dumpsters where you will dine? The gas station where you will shower out of the toilet tank? Jacqueline wants Assley to be more realistic and I really don’t understand why Jacqueline keeps on doing this mambo with Assley. This chick can’t even fight her way out of a wet paper bag, and she’s going to go to California? I think Assley thinks she is famous, it makes me laugh my assley off, go to L.A., get “discovered”. Haha!
Kathy and Victoria go to “The Fig Leaf”, which is apparently some dilapidated second-hand dress shop. She is shopping for a formal dress and she proceeds to try on a series of hideous dresses. Just make sure there are no pit stains on the dress. Victoria tries on a royal blue long dress that she loves, but Kathy is afraid that she looks too mature and sexy. So, Kathy, master of perfect timing, begins to have “the talk” with Victoria in the middle of this ramshackle dress shop. The sales people are waiting Kathy! Buy the dreadful blue dress and limit your parenting talks to the confines of Victoria’s neon pink room.
Meanwhile, back at Melissa’s, the Soul Diggaz arrive to play in the new studio. Joe is in on the action and he is cracking jokes about the Soul Diggaz and then Melissa says “he’s nervous because you know the saying, once you go….” No Melissa, what is the saying? Once you do crack, you never go back? Once you sing a track, you never get jack? What Melissa, why is Joe nervous and what is the saying? They all enjoy a good laugh and they are ready to hear Melissa’s singing chops. She has no clue what she is doing and it sounds really rough. The Soul Diggaz are making faces like, “thank God this is only a bit for T.V.” Joe says he wants to be turned on, “grab da’ microphone, like it’s me.” That’ll do it Joe, that will make her sound like Whitney Houston, you know, before she did crack and never went back.
The Manzo’s are at the Powerhouse Family Gym to do a little kickboxing. They are all having fun, except for Caroline. She has no intention of working out at all. They are doing squats where they are supposed to come up and jump. Each time Caroline jumps up, she clicks her heels. This is actually pretty funny, she has no clue what she is doing and the trainer says “what are you, Dorothy, why are you clappin’ your heels?” Lauren is getting frustrated, she just wants to get the workout done. Then they are all on the floor doing sit ups and each time Lauren sits up, she can see Greg’s very pale ballz. Now there’s an incentive. Caroline is sitting down and tells the trainer she is going to throw up. I don’t think all the tomfoolery or the pale ballz are helping.
Assley’s two sets of parents are meeting for lunch to discuss Assley and what her plans are. Apparently, Assley has already asked her dad for money to go to California and he’s not a happy camper. He knows that she’s just blowin’ smoke, she doesn’t finish anything she starts. Chris Laurita makes a comment about giving Assley a beating, which is kinda awkward, but she kinda deserves it. Assley shows up late and Jacqueline says she looks like Lindsey Blowhan. Jacqueline jumps right in and puts Assley on blast. Assley wants to go to beauty school in California and allegedly has money to live there, but no money for school. Chris is layin’ it down and Assley starts to crumble and become combative. Assley is just dancing around and even complains about the job Lauren asked her to do. Eventually, Assley takes a really low-blow at Jacqueline about having a baby at 20 and says that she is doing better because at least she hasn’t done that. This illustrates how stupid Assley really is, that baby was YOU, ya’ freakin’ dill hole! And now you have the audacity to sit there and insult your mother for keeping you and raising you? I wonder if she has to work hard at being insufferable, or if it just comes naturally.
There are some things you will just never understand. Why is this girl such an ingrate? Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I just don’t know! The whole situation flares up like a bad hemorrhoid with Jacqueline finally having enough and storming out. Jacqueline is so upset and hurt, it’s actually really sad. Chris and Matt are explaining why Jacqueline is so hurt by the disrespect, but Assley isn’t going to get it. Matt tells her that if she acted like that with him, he would snatch her by the neck. Jacqueline is sobbing in the restaurant lobby, totally hyperventilating. She needs a drink with an extra splash of WTF. Chris comes down to comfort her and they both say they are done and Matt can handle it. We get a “To be continued…” ending. Maybe Assley needs a sit down with her good ol’ Aunt Caroline. I bet she could smack some sense into her. They need a good ol’ fashioned round of the Ham Game, only with Assley, they need to throw the whole ham at her head, Paula Dean style.