Blood is Thicker Than Jägermeister

Caroline Rules is ruling the airwaves and tonight Caroline is discussing New Year’s Resolutions!  Caroline tells a touching story about Albie telling her to wear a seat belt when he was a toddler.  She reveals that he had a lisp.  I am sure our NJ stud will appreciate that.

Melissa is driving along listening to the radio show and I guess it’s supposed to be foreshadowing because Melissa is listening as Caroline has a caller stating that her resolution is to be nice to people even if they don’t reciprocate.  Caroline says “do not let anybody intimidate you, especially if you want to do something pure and good in your heart.”  Next Melissa calls Teresa and attempts to set up a play date for the kids.  Teresa is a hot mess and they all had the stomach flu.  They agree to get together the next day, great idea Melisa, invite the stomach flu brood over for a play date!  Teresa says in her private camera moment that she doesn’t want to see Melissa.  The worm, she is a-turnin’!

Jacqueline asks her father to speak to Assley about her attitude and lack of motivation.  We learn that Assley actually has a real talent drawing and she is doing a sketch of Marilyn Monroe as her grandfather walks in.  He encourages her to pursue the art as a career, but she is not enthused.  She tells him she gets bored with her art and she doesn’t go back to what she is working on and that…wait for it…hang on to your wigs and keys everyone…she doesn’t like deadlines.  Yea, well I don’t either, but it’s called life you little ass-hat!  I swear she needs to be smacked.  Her grandfather basically tells her the same thing, he says “life is a deadline, I’m retired and I still have deadlines!”

Caroline, our favorite diplomat, calls Kathy to invite her to the New Year’s party.  She is disassembling her pine cone display and we are treated to cut away shots of Albert shaving with a straight razor.  I am not sure what the significance of this is, but he gets the job done.  Kathy accepts the invitation and the theme for the new year is putting your best foot forward.  I wonder if Kathy’s son will put his best foot forward in his goody two shoe.

Assley goes to Chateau to meet Lauren and show her some sketches for tee-shirts that Lauren asked her to design.  Assley shows her some half-assed shitty designs that Lauren hates and are nowhere near what she asked for.  Lauren told her she wanted a face, to represent her makeup business name “Face”, duh.  She said the sketches looked like Assley did them in the car.  What I don’t get here is why Assley didn’t present the sketches she already had of faces.  She had the Marilyn Monroe and she had a couple others.  Assley reminds me of someone that smokes pot…a lotta pot.  No motivation, the attention span of a gnat, and her response to everything is “whatever.”  Assley is clearly pissed off as Lauren lectures her about her being the client, treating her as such, and that she only gets one shot at a first impression.  To which Assley replies “whatever”.  Assley confides to the cameras that when she is a “professional artist” she is not going to have clients, it’s going to be her vision or no vision.  Sounds like a solid business strategy Assley.  Lauren sends her on her way to work on what she asked Assley for an if she doesn’t come up with it, “it’s gonna be a shitstorm.”

It’s 3:45 p.m. at Melissa’s and Antonia is asking when the Giudice girls will be there.  She keeps saying “when are they gonna be here?” and it’s kind of cute because she keeps repeating it and puts an emphasis on the word “here” when she asks for the third time.  As if that would change the answer.  Melissa doesn’t have the heart to say “They will be here when their rude, arrogant mother feels like getting them here, honey.  They can’t help it that their mother don’t give a shit about anyone but herself.”

Teresa is trying to get the girls dressed and Milania is having a tantrum and she is throwing all her clothes on the floor.  Teresa keeps scolding her and Milania keeps ignoring her.  Back at Melissa’s, they are getting impatient and annoyed with the lateness, but Antonia and Joey kill time in the indoor bounce house.  Man, those kids have everything!

Finally, it’s 6:28 p.m. and Teresa is driving over to Melissa’s.  Antonia is telling Melissa that Milania chokes her when they play and she too, is totally aggravated that they are so late.  They finally show up and it looks like Milania has managed to single-handedly piss all of her sisters off on the ride over.  Melissa offers Teresa something to drink and she wants wine, so they sit to chat while the girls fight over toys.  Milania wastes no time rummaging through Antonia’s toys, she pulls out a doll and says “I want this!”  She is on a toy tirade!  Melissa asks if the kids are hungry because she made some chicken cutlets because her kids were hungry and screaming.  Teresa says no because they are going out to dinner, but G to the ia would like a chicken cutlet.  Teresa backs off because G to the ia just came from gymnastics and is hungry.  So…my powers of deduction tell me that Teresa did not intend to stay long for the play date.  It’s already 6:30 at this point and the kids haven’t even had dinner and they are going out, so she probably planned to cut out after an hour.  Heaven forbid she would be on time so the girls could have some real play time.  There is no way you could play with all of the toys, including the bounce house in under an hour!

Melissa broaches the subject of Teresa and Kathy and Teresa shuts her down like a bad ferris wheel and of course is all wrapped up in her own side of the story.  G to the ia wanted more to eat, but Teresa snaps at her and tells her to leave while she and Mellissa have it out.  Teresa is just going on and on about ancient Kathy history.  Teresa says that she can’t figure out why Richie is so “into her” and that he is not a gentleman, he insults her.  Melissa keeps going back and forth with her trying to point out the error of her ways and Teresa just keeps talking in circles.  I have to say at this point, Teresa is just annoying me.  She had us at the beginning of the season, we were all on your side Tre, but you have got to let this go!  She’s like a dog with a bone!  Next, we learn that Teresa is doing another cook book and Melissa offers some recipes and Teresa says “no”.  Melissa talks about coming out with her album and Teresa jumps all over that opportunity to further insult Melissa by saying anyone can come out with an album, even Kim Kardashian.  Sheesh, Melissa, it’s a dog eat dog world out there and your wearing milk bone underwear!

G to the ia asks Melissa to sing, but she doesn’t want to because she things Teresa is going to be like Ursula and take her voice.  But she will give them a tour of the studio Joe built for her.  Sidebar:  I had to Google this because I didn’t know what the Ursula reference was, but for readers as ignorant as I, it’s a reference to a character from “The Little Mermaid” who took Ariel’s voice.  Melissa can’t sing because she must rest her voice and Teresa is ticked, says “what does she think she’s Beyoncé?”  Teresa, once again, trashes on Melissa’s childhood dream and says Joe only built the studio so that Melissa doesn’t go to New York and that he will do anything if he can make money.  Now Tre, that’s just mean.

The Manzo girls are doing their hair for the party and Assley is texting Lauren to ask if she can bring more people to the New Year’s party. Caroline puts the kibosh on that right quick.  Her deft authority goes well with her “Grease is the Word” hair do.

Meanwhile, back at the Giudice’s, Milania is once again wreaking havoc and tells her father “give me pizza, you old troll.”  Now that’s bratty, but funny.  Throw a Don King wig on da’ Juice-man, and you’ve got yourself an old troll!  Teresa is going on and on to her makeup artist how the girls are so well behaved, as the girls continue to fight and squawk at each other over the pizza.  Apparently Milania is in the horrible fours.  She puts on Teresa’s leopard print high heeled boots and starts prancing around saying she’s a “rock star” and she is spraying a water bottle all over.  Yes Tre…really well behaved!

Melissa’s makeup artist sets his makeup gun to “prostitution whooah” and starts doing Melissa up.  It could be my imagination, but George the makeup artist and Joe appear to be flirting.  Little Joe is sick and he has passed out head first into a bean bag and appears to have dislocated his lower body.  Poor thing, he didn’t even know what hit him.  Melissa is questioning Kathy about how she is going to handle seeing Teresa.  Then Melissa says that Teresa was going to put an old family picture of Melissa in the new cookbook to be mean and show people what she used to look like.  They show a picture of Melissa, and she really doesn’t look too much different.  As Melissa tells this story, she breaks out into her impression of Teresa, which is actually pretty funny.  Teresa says Melissa used to wear too much makeup and to Melissa, dem’s fightin’ words.

Lauren talks about how she wants to get engaged so she is wearing a fake ring on her ring finger.  She talks about her sausage fingers and then she and Caroline get in to the age old debate, is it better to look good or feel good?  Caroline says “if you’re a busted mess, but you’re happy and comfortable, what’s wrong with that?”  Well Caroline, Fernando would disagree with you, “It is better to look good, than to feel good.”  You look mahh-velous!

The Brownstone is a hoppin’, that place is like a license to print money.  The ladies go up to the private washroom and Teresa starts rehashing Christmas Eve with Caroline.  Caroline is trying to explain her stance and Teresa is looking at her like she has a third eye.  Teresa admits that she is irritated that Caroline invited Kathy, but again Teresa, not your party.

The Boys II Manzo’s are making fun of Caroline’s coif.  Albie says she looks like an old English Princess and that she has the whole Wyatt Erp thing going on.  Christopher says she looks like a 50’s greazer that is going to pull out a razor blade at a malt shop.  Maybe that was the significance of the earlier random shots of Albert shaving with the straight razor.  Hmm…there may be a greazer knife fight here yet!

The Gorga’s arrive and whadda ya’ know, Melissa is wearing a hat!  They all greet one another and Kathy presents Caroline with a basket of home-made baked goods.  Teresa then mocks Kathy’s cooking and says that her cookbook influenced Kathy to start cooking.  Well, hate to break it to ya’ Tre, but Kathy is a baker, which is way different than cooking.  Baking is actually a science, and Kathy happens to be the Albert Einstein of Baking.  Her desserts are off da’ hook.

Maybe the name of the show should be changed to “The Teresa Giudice Show”, it’s all about her!  Melissa is chatting with Jacqueline and they talk about how when it’s your blood you need to forgive and forget.  I hope Melissa can forgive her makeup artist and I hope she does not forget to remove her eye makeup before she goes to bed.  She is going to need a gallon of paint thinner to get that clown shit off.

We have the Daily Double of Douchery with Richie and Juicy joking around at the bar.  They are calling each other “dickface” and “mofo”, etc.  They both look totally wasted and they can’t talk right, they’re hugging and slobbering all over one another.  Teresa says Richie is being nice and pleasant to be around.  I guess she enjoys seeing Richie and Juicy act like blathering idiots together.

Ashley is trying to coax a drink at the bar although she is under age.  Caroline ain’t havin’ it and the Manzo Army is on her like flies on a rib roast.  Richie’s daughter, Victoria is dressed like an extra in a Poison video and she is approached by an older man at the party.  Richie totally loses his shit on the guy and Joe jumps in on the interrogation, but he exits quickly and without much of a scene.

Melisa is trying to have the blood conversation with Teresa about Kathy.  Teresa says that Kathy left a bad taste in her blood.  She is just saying you should forgive Tre, not go all Twilight on her ass!  So on top of not making any sense, Teresa is yammering on in this howler monkey mode.  Teresa, please, can we use our indoor irrational skank voice?  The looks on Caroline’s and Jacqueline’s faces are hilarious.  They can’t take it anymore.  Caroline is trying to reason with Teresa and it’s a lost cause.  Geezz, why does Caroline have to do all the heavy lifting?

It’s a night of fun-filled frivolity at the Brownstone…there’s enough juice there to keep them all fat-n-giggly and the clock strikes midnight.  Caroline stands on the steps overlooking the room and she reflects on the good ol’ fashioned family grab-ass that lies before her.

Everyone is hugging kissing saying happy new year, and then there is a very disturbing shot of Juicy rubbing his meaty paw all over the front of Teresa’s dress.  He really is an old troll, an old, barbarian, slobbering troll.

Looks like next week it goes down between Jacqueline and Assley.  Apparently, Assley’s mouth writes a check that her fist can’t cash.  Now dem’s fightin’ words!

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