It’s the eve of Jesus’ Birthday and we pick up where we left off at the Giudices. Joe drops the bomb on Tre that they are leaving to go to Kathy’s. Well Tre is spittin’ nickels over this because she set a place for them at their dinner table and he is going to dinner at Kathy’s. Smart man, I am sure Kathy’s desserts are going to be off da’ hook. Of course, somehow, Tre takes this as a personal affront and Kathy is not a good cousin. Tre plays the kid card and the “our parents aren’t going to be around much longer” card, which should be her ace in the hole, but Joe calls her bluff and they leave.
Holy Manzo’s, Caroline has a zillion people in her house. She is still one self-admitted hot mess. Correct me if I am wrong, but I think we caught our precious Caroline sniffin’ her pits on camera! Gotta love Caroline, the Manzos put the “real” in reality television.
Tre is helping Joe carry the presents outside and Tre won’t let up on using the kids and their heartbreak to get them to stay. Antonia is actually a bit upset and doesn’t really want to go, but Joe is sticking to his guns. Joe says goodbye to his father and for the first time, I notice his father’s extreme comb over. His hair is literally parted about an inch above the nape of his neck and it’s swooped over the top of his head. He is completely bald in the back and he just has this one-inch fringe around his neck. I would pay money to see him caught in a windstorm or take a ride on a tilt-a-whirl. There is nothing so beautiful as a disheveled comb-over. The more extreme, the better. We also learn that Papa Gorga has stopped by Joe and Melissa’s house three times and she was not home. She asks him to call first next time and he tells her that “he no usea da’ phone!” Maybe he can shoot Melissa a text. Is there an emoticon with a comb-over? If not, there should be. G to the ia is also very upset that they are leaving and she is clinging to Joe for dear life. He promises they will get together soon.
Back at the Manzo’s, Albert is finally arriving home after working at the Brownstone and he and Caroline share a special moment and they are just so cute together. The Boyz II Manzos start trying to fool Jacqueline’s son CJ by jingling their bells outside of the window. Well, CJ will not be fooled, he can see Christopher lying on the ground in the mud and dog crap, shaking the bells. They think this is the funniest thing ever, but CJ is not particularly amused.
We are back in the car with the Gorga’s, apparently Joe has not drank too much yet. He plans to do that at the Wakile’s. Of course, Kathy has put on a lush, beautiful spread and Kathy and Rosie are drinking Patron on the rocks in the kitchen. Rosie is wearing a white shirt, but it looks like a chef’s coat, which is a very odd fashion choice. There is an entire sea bass on the counter and Rosie looks like she is working the carving station. All she needs is a tall paper chef hat. Maybe Joe has one of those hats in his collection. Richie and Joe marvel over the sea bass while Kathy and Melissa scoop on the time they had at the Giudice’s. Joe tells them it will take time to heal.
Caroline is discussing New Year’s and who will be invited to the party at the Brownstone. It is here where Caroline admits that she just can’t get enough of Joe Gorga. Christopher and Albie chime in that they have already invited Joe and Melissa, done deal. Caroline is on the fence about inviting Richie and Kathy, Jacqueline predicts Teresa would say “no” and then Caroline, once again the voice of reason, says “well it’s not Teresa’s party.” You go girl, can I get a whoot whoot!?!?! Jacqueline is worried that she will look like a jerk if she picks sides. Jacqueline needs to “Stay out of it, Nick Lachey!” (only fans of “The Soup” will get that joke).
Albie asks if they will need security for Jeff Goldblum, which is funny because I commented that Richie looked just like Jeff Goldblum at the beginning of the series. I am sure everyone has thought it, but it is finally verbalized by one of our cast members. The Manzo’s sit down to open up their special gifts. They all love their bracelets that represent the family and Lauren and Albie are tearing up.
Finally, it’s the day, Jesus’ Birthday! Of course, all the kids are up at the crack of dawn opening presents. The Laurita’s are having fun with their toys and Jacqueline tells us that Assley has not given her anything for Christmas or Mother’s Day. She said a photo book or a cotton ball tissue box holder would be nice. Could her standards get any lower? Assley is delivering a voice-over stating that she spent a lot of money on her car and she probably should have gotten her parents something, but WHATEVER. I swear this chick needs an attitude transplant and an Alberto VO5 hot oil treatment.
The Gorga’s come down to some amazing presents for the kids and they are having a great time. Joe is obviously bringin’ home da’ bacon, or they are in serious debt. Melissa spares no expense for Jesus’ birthday! Joe bought her a pair of shoes and a Louis Vuitton rolly suitcase. She gives Joe kisses and she is very happy, but wait…there’s more! A gold Rolex watch is on the tree for Melissa. I don’t know how Joe can afford all of this, plus the hats! My God, the money they must spend on hats alone!
We now arrive at the funniest part of the show, the Guidice girls trying to get Juicy out of bed. They all greet him and say “Merry Christmas” and papa honey bear replies “Merry Christmas, now get outta here.” G to the ia suggests the open presents without him and Tre ain’t havin’ it and G to the ia delivers this line perfectly in her little adolescent Jersey-girl, Italian dialect “But it’s gonna take foreva…” complete with a hand gesture with her flashy knock-off Princess Di ring. The girls don’t have a tarp or a catapult, so they are going to have to improvise. They jump all over Juicy’s stomach as if it were a hippity-hop and he can’t take it.
So Teresa delivers a jet-stream of bullshit from her mouth saying they did not go overboard on presents because they couldn’t spend “crazy money” and that they are teaching the girls the true meaning of Christmas. Juicy is lying on the couch with his shirtless, fat ass and holding his arm in the air with the video camera above the couch taping the girls opening gifts and he cannot even see them. Now that is just LAZY.
The girls get a ton of stuff including a drum set, a cell phone, Ugg boots, and…a mini-Mercedes car. Teresa is still yammering on about how Christmas is not about material things. Meanwhile, the girls can hardly contain their excitement and they scream “We have a Mercedes, and Mercedes rule.” When I was that age, I didn’t even know what a Mercedes was. Teresa and Juicy will never be out of debt.
Everyone is keeping Juicy awake, he can’t wait to crawl back into his cave. Teresa gives him a necklace and Juicy gives Teresa a pair of gloves. The Gorga Christmas morning display is a tough act to follow! Teresa is putting the necklace on Juicy and he rips the nastiest, juicy burp ever. I swear, that burp had chunks on it. At this point, I am just disgusted by Juicy, there are really no words. You would think Teresa would tell him to put a shirt on. They’re on national television for cripes sake.
After I returned from washing my eyes out with bleach, Teresa is trying on a coat that Juicy got her and he says “you’re going to exchange it” and the girls agree that she always returns his gifts. Teresa says it only happened once or twice when he bought her a beige Louis Vuitton bag…and nobody rocks a beige Louis Vuitton. Hey Tre, even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes!
Back at the Wakile’s they are opening gifts. Kathy’s daughter opens up two pairs of shoes. Now maybe it’s just me, but there seems to be a lot of shoe giving here, which is odd to me. I don’t know how you can buy shoes for someone and I don’t think I have ever received shoes as a gift. Shoes are really something you need to try on. Oh well, on with the madness…Kathy has given Richie a ring because he has not been wearing a wedding band. Richie has blown some smoke up Kathy’s ass about how wearing a wedding band makes him more attractive to women because it means he’s a keeper. He’s a keeper all right, keep him in the basement. Kathy, you have nothing to worry about, I don’t see women lining for a Jeff Goldblum knock-off that looks like he’s been dipped in whiskey.
Kathy’s children present her with a heartfelt speech. Joseph says they know she wants to do her “catering and such and such” and then her daughter reads her a lovely letter that even makes Richie cry. They give her a laptop that they bought for her with their combined allowance. They must get about $300 a week to do the dishes and take out the trash. Richie and Kathy can afford a nice allowance for their kids because they are the only ones who live in a normal sized house.
Caroline and Albert are in the car and he takes her down “memory lane” figuratively and literally. Albert pulls over underneath a significant overpass where he proposed to Caroline the first time. He apparently never did it properly because he was so nervous. Well Albert is claiming his “do over moment” and he gets out, gets down on one knee, and proposes to Caroline all over again. She is so touched and he presents her with a ring that has the original diamonds from her engagement ring. Caroline had not been able to wear the ring in years because she was only 92 pounds when they were engaged. Albert had the whole thing re-done for her. So…I guess Teresa or Melissa can congratulate Caroline on her re-done ring.
Joe has one last surprise for Melissa and he takes her down to the finished recording studio. Melissa is thrilled, but wants crystals on the microphone. I can’t even imagine what this cost him and she is focusing in on the lack of bling on her microphone. Hummph! Joe is giddy because now he has her trapped, right where he wants her, locked in the basement. Joe “Happy Pants” likes Melissa in her tights and he insinuates that he wants a little “quality time” with Melissa and she refuses, “Not on Jesus’ Birthday!” No, Joe, not a chance in hell, that would just be disrespectful.
Back at the Giudice’s they are simmering down from the present opening melee. I think Juicy must have a head cold or something, he looks and sounds like crap and he is blowing his schnaz. Meanwhile, G to the ia runs away to go blow chunks. She is totally sick and Teresa seems to think Chamomile tea is going to cure what ails her. The other girls are playing with the makeup kit and it looks like they are applying eye shadow as lipstick. G to the ia clearly has the flu and leave it to Teresa to take her picture right after she chunders. G to the ia actually strikes a pose though, what a trooper!
Teresa starts bitching about Joe again. I swear she’s like a broken effin’ record. Juicy kinda pacifies her and you can tell by the sound of his voice that he is truly ill. Teresa needs to knock her shit off and let everyone go back to bed. Juicy calls Melissa a “witch of a wife” and then says he’s goin’ back ta bed! That must be the Robitussin talkin’.
The Boyz II Manzos are getting ready to go to a concert. Albie asks Christopher to do him a favor and not be embarrassing and to leave the Cajun voice at home. He wonders how far Christopher’s head is up his own ass, but he has really just granted Christopher the “Don Rickles License to Kill”. It turns out the Manzo family is going to see Alexa Ray Joel perform and Albie might have a slight, teensy, tiny crush on her. Albie is wound tighter than a top over the evening and Jacqueline and Caroline are exacerbating his angst by teasing him on the ride over to the concert. Caroline thinks that the stars are aligning here, Christopher and Alexa are about the same age and they are both “children of privilege.” We get a few token shots of Alexa’s famous mother, Christie Brinkley, but there is never any interaction with her. The chumps in the editing room re-use the clip of Brinkley a few times, but Mr. Joel is not present.
Jacqueline is commenting about how wonderful it is that Alexa wants to create her own success and fortune regardless of who her father is. So…Jacqueline is comparing this to the situation with Assley and that Assley needs to get her shit together. I would say the two girls are hardly a comparison, but I do agree that Assley really just needs to get her ass kicked.
Caroline is a bit giddy and she is stirring the pot a bit between the Boyz II Manzo’s, but in a fun way. Albie is totally flustered because he is worried that Christopher will break out the jokes at his expense. Christopher says “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” and Albie just wants “the night off.” Caroline, our wonderful voice of reason, suggests an amicable compromise… “just don’t insult him, in the Cajun voice.” Alexa comes over to say hello to everyone and it’s a bit painful to watch Albie tense up. They are talking about age and she realizes that she is older than Albie. She says “I’m the old maid here!” and Albie says…I kid you not… “you want a milk? Since you’re the old lady, y’know.” Wow…just…wow. Now it’s possible that could have been edited to make Albie look like a total choad, but who knows. It was pretty funny to watch the rest of the Manzo’s look at him like “what the hell you talkin’ ‘bout, Albie?”
Alexa is adorable, really, but she looks like her father with a wig on. Sorry Alexa, but it’s true. Caroline loves her so much, she can barely express herself. So, we are treated to a bit of her performance of “All I can do is Love.” I think they should call it “All I can do is Plug.” All these signing performances on these housewives shows are plugs, shameless plugs. But Alexa is actually quite talented. Maybe she will show up down the road as Albie’s girlfriend and she can help Melissa with her singing career.
Caroline winds down the show by reflecting on the spirit of Christmas and the special family bracelets. And in true Caroline Manzo form she gives us this wonderful nugget…“Whenever you want to call your sister a bitch, or your brother an asshole, just look at the bracelet.” Well said Caroline, well said!