Strait Up Gangsta’!

It’s Jesus’ Birthday and the if the Gorga Mansion is Rockin’ don’t bother knockin’.  Joe is gettin’ his freak on and he is grabbing various partygoers on the dance floor.  Melissa reports to Teresa that she pushed Monica out the door.  Adios, you’re in a cab, you’re vapor…Teresa is appreciative and they give hugs and kisses.  Joe continues to get his swerve on the dance floor and he looks like a total meathead.  Of course, Teresa cannot ever be fully satisfied, now she is upset that Kim “Strait Up C” is still at the party.  Melissa thinks maybe Teresa and Kim are secret sisters, they both need a lot of attention and stir up drama.  Yes, Melissa, they are two peas in a pod.

Richie seems to think everyone is “pissed off because I’m the best looking mo-fo in this place.”  Yes Richie, that is exactly it.  Everybody is ready to throw down ‘cuz you’re so god-damned good lookin’.

Kim “Strait Up C” is now stirring up more shit with Melissa’s sister, Lysa.  Kim wants vindication, damn it.  Sidebar:  Kim’s plastic surgeon must have grafted too much of her ass fat to her lips.  She has some serious “trout-pout” and looks ridiculous.

Heaven forbid Melissa may actually enjoy her party for five freaking minutes.  She finally makes her way to the dance floor where Teresa is ready to do the happy dance with her.

Albert arrives and Caroline is so happy to see him.  They are so cute together and clearly the only normal ones on this show.  Everyone is cheering and taking guzzlets of their cocktails.  Kim “Strait Up C” is toasting with Kathy.  Kim is just trying to garner people over to her side, which further proves that her main intent is to stir up crap.  Kim “Strait Up C” can’t learn her lesson and she keeps flappin’ her duck lips.  Everyone is having such a nice time and Teresa and Joe take a moment for a photo op.  Teresa tells Joe “together we are unstoppable.”  Well something tells me that Caroline Manzo is about to prove that she alone, is unstoppable.

Kim “Strait Up C” turns around and Jacqueline and Lauren are giving her the stink eye.  Lauren tells Kim “Strait Up C” to stop stirring the pot and Caroline goes Strait Up Gangsta’ on Kim “Strait Up C”.  Caroline is the HBIC up in dis’ bee-yotch!  It is here we are reminded that Kim “Strait Up C’s” son is Christopher Manzo’s best buddy.

Teresa and Juicy head out moments before the shit hits the proverbial fan.  Then in the blink of a stink eye, it turns reeeel ugly.  Christopher and Albie jump in and whisk Kim “Strait Up C” out the door.  This is where it gets truly comical…we are introduced to John, Kim “Strait Up C’s” bodyguard.  He is awoken from his standing nap, sees the scuffle, and says “I’m not doing anything!  I’m not doing anything!”  Well no shit, Sherlock.  Moreover, WHO brings a bodyguard to a holiday party?  Albert backs the body guard up and tells him what fo’.  Then somebody says “get your goon outta here”, who knows, it’s all a bunch of holiday melee.  A goon is a goon is a goon, and the Boyz II Manzos have this one handled.

Christopher gets Kim “Strait Up C” out and then Teresa and Juicy are still standing in the driveway watching and delighting in the scuttlebutt.  Christopher is trying to talk Kim “Strait Up C” down, Caroline calls her a “douchebag”, and Albie goes out to break it up.  As far as he is concerned, enough is enough.  Kim “Strait Up C” started shit with their Mom and he ain’t havin’ it!  Albert tells Albie to get inside “she’s a clown.”  Then Miss Personality, Ass-ley says “Just like Danielle” as her life coach trails behind her repeating her mantra “High road…high road…high road!”

Kim “Strait Up C” finally gets her ass-fat bounced by the Manzo clan.  The Manzo’s don’t come to play, they mean bidness.  The Boyz II Manzos descended upon her like paratroopers.  I love how they threw her out of someone else’s home, but Melissa is okay with it because the boys were defending their mom and she says her boys better take note!

All the sudden, we are in the Gorga screening room for a Manzo family meeting.  Christopher is a bit upset because it puts him in an awkward position.  I think at this point they are over-analyzing it.  Usually men don’t fight over crap like this, Christopher and his friend will hug it out.  Low and behold, Kim “Strait Up C’s” son John calls Christopher right away and they discuss it and it’s “squashed”.  Melissa views the party as a success, she got along with Teresa and collected a lot of toys for the children at St. Joseph’s Hospital.

We are now at Kathy’s house where the family is preparing stuffed mushrooms for Christmas Eve.  Joseph and Rosie arrive with more groceries.  Richie asks “how ‘bout drama, are dey comin’?”  Kathy takes us down memory lane about how her own mother had a grudge match with her brother.  Of course, it was a stupid silly thing, a shoe repair shop and an alleged debt of $150.00.  Ah, the good ol’ days.  Kathy’s son is trying to use one of his boy scout knives to open a can of stewed tomatoes.  Kathy’s mother starts to get emotional about the story and then the phone rings.  Saved by the bell…Melissa tells Kathy that she will be going to Teresa’s house first and that slowly but surely, they will all be together.

Caroline heads to the radio station with her friend Delores.  Caroline is a little wary about the new engineer in the studio named Christopher Knight.  And, no it’s not the guy who played Peter Brady.  Caroline’s topic is raising children through a divorce.  Jacqueline is listening in and waiting for Chris to get home and he calls in to the show to ask for advice with his step-daughter (a.k.a., Miss Personality Ass-ley).  Caroline realizes it is her brother and she is about to cry.  But, like the pro she is, she keeps it together and gives him some nice words of encouragement.

We are now at Casa Giudice and they are all eating a mish mosh of Italian favorites including mussels that could wake up a dead man.  Melania keeps trying to play with the lit candles as G to the ia keeps yelling at her and scaring her.  Teresa says that the Italian Christmas Eve is called “the seven fishes”.  She goes on to say “but we never count da’ fishes, we just make all fish.”

The “Feast of the Seven Fishes” is a celebration of Christmas Eve originating in southern Italy consisting of meals of fish and seafood, but there may be seven, eight, or even nine specific fishes that are considered traditional.  So technically, her explanation is correct.  If only Santa would give her the gift of being able to articulate!

Audrina is walking around in her princess dress and the poor thing can’t even rest her arms at her sides.  G to the ia received a ring from some boy.  Juicy says “I’m gonna kick dat little boys ass!”  Is that nice, Juice man?  They are looking at it and it’s a replica of the princess Diana ring that William gave to Kate.  Teresa is still making comments about Melissa, I thought she wanted to kiss and make up!  It’s becoming painfully evident that Melissa is trying, but Teresa just keeps acting like a skag in a stripper’s dress.

Meanwhile, at the Gorga’s, Melissa is talking to Antonia about Christmas.  It’s actually quite cute and Antonia is thrilled to learn that it’s Jesus’ birthday.  She asks her mother how old Jesus is and Melissa tells her he’s 89.  I know Melissa is probably just giving the “mom” answer because there is no way to explain his real age to a five year old, but given Melissa’s track record…I am tempted to think she really believes he is 89.  Oh what the hell, I’ll give Melissa the benefit of the doubt…it’s Christmas!

So Melissa is sharing a nice moment with her children and then she has Joe barking at her in the other room about having to go to Teresa’s.  Now who’s stirring up drama!?!?!  He can’t sit and break bread with “dose people”.  Joe has this way of catastrophizing everything before it even happens.  I know past behavior is a predictor of future behavior, but what happened to the power of positive thinking, Joe?

Meanwhile, at the Manzo’s, Caroline is trying to prepare a ton of food and she’s a hot mess and she loves it.  The main course is olive sauce, which was her father’s secret recipe.  Caroline’s mother, Nettie, arrives and the Boyz II Manzo’s are giving her a good ol’ fashioned holiday ribbing.  Lauren doesn’t think there are enough chairs and they start counting it out, but Caroline says it’s an open door policy and she gets all the strays.

The Laurita’s arrive with Miss PersonAssley in tow.  The Boyz II Manzos are making jokes about Christmas and Santa and everyone is settling in for dinner.  It looks like she has about 50 people there.  The dinner table talk is about new year’s resolutions and Assley says one of her resolutions is to make her step father like her.  Chris explains that he loves her, but does not like how she acts at times.  Assley starts behaving in a combative and snotty manner, which frankly, I don’t appreciate.  Assley just rubs me the wrong way.  Chris explains that she needs to listen, learn, and grow.  He wants her to be more responsible.  She is really annoying for a 20 year old.  She starts crying at the table and nobody feels bad.

Melissa and Joe are en route to their first stop.  Joe says “I’m gonna have a lotta drinks tonight, babe.”  Note to Joe:  Probably not the smartest thing to say while you are being filmed on camera, DRIVING with your wife and three children in the back.  Have we learned nothing from the Juice man?  Unless Joe wants to go on a 10 day fishing trip, he had better mind his P’s and Q’s, or Melissa will need to drive home.

Melissa is bringing boxes of Pignoli Cookies for Teresa hoping she won’t throw them away.  Teresa starts ripping on Melissa’s outfit, but Teresa’s skirt is so short, if she had a nut sack, it would be hangin’ out the bottom.  Glass houses Tre, glass houses!  Joe and Gino have on matching hats and they take a photo op with the kids and their father.  “Santa” arrives and the kids go crazy.  Teresa’s mom is in the Santa costume Little Antonia and Melania are on to her.  The gig is up Nona!  Antonia looks just like Melissa in her little hat.  Nona comes around the corner back in her regular clothes and tells the girl she went to the store.  Whew, close call.  Nona dodged a bullet.

Melissa is taking pictures of all the kids and they are all having a nice time.  Joe is actually enjoying himself and the anger in his heart is slowly dissipating.  Joe interrogates G to the ia about the ring.  Juicy is in the background making some really nasty remarks about Melissa.  Hold up there sizzle chest, that’s Joe’s efffin’ wife yer talkin’ about dere!

Joe drops the bomb on Teresa that they are leaving for Kathy’s and won’t be staying for long.  Stay tuned for next week, when the battle of the dueling Christmas parties continues!

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