Drama Comes in Small Packages


It’s the holidays in Jersey and the Giudice family is assembling their scary tree.  Juicy is up on a ladder in his wife beater putting glittery sticks into the tree.  The girls are playing with glass ornaments on the floor.  The middle child keeps smacking the baby sister in the face.  Ah…the holidays!

Meanwhile, Melissa is building her winter wonderland in preparation for the birthday party she is throwing for Jesus.  They are having issues and Joe is dropping the top of the tree, dropping F-Bombs, and scaring the family.  Ahh…happy birthday, Jesus!

Teresa is asking Juicy when the media will stop writing about them, like he has some insight into that.  She says *ahem* “Now I know what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie feel like.”  Really Tre, really?  If she is going to compare herself to a celebrity, I think she has more in common with MC Hammer.  Blowing money like it grows out of her arse.  Juicy gives Tre a pep talk and says “we’re not in trouble.”  Well Juice man, I hate to be the sugar in your gas tank, but you are in trouble.  Tre reflects on the time Juicy went to jail for 10 days for driving on a suspended license.  License suspended due to a DUI.  They had to “put on a strong face” for their daughters and tell them daddy went on a fishing trip.  Yeah, fishing for more trouble.  Juicy reminds Tre that her real friends were there for her during that time, not that “Kathy cousin” of hers, or that “chicken ass Richie.”  Joe will always be golden to Tre and Juicy reminds her to focus on their four kids and him.  While I can certainly understand trying to focus on the important things, they are both in denial if they think they are not in trouble!

Meanwhile, back at Joe and Melissa’s house of 1,000 hats, Melissa is still struggling with the tree while Joe watches, stuffing his pie hole with organic Cheetos.  He is contemplating the guests at the party, he is concerned about how Joe is going to act.  Hey Joe, you worry about you Joe, not the other Joe.  Geez, we are treated to another flash back of the Christening debacle.  Melissa says Juicy “better come correct to my home.”  Hmmm…good luck wit’ dat.

Jacqueline presents Ashley with a small birthday present to supplement the bigger present, which was the Jeep.  She gives Ashley a fun little bag o’ tricks from her psychic.  A necklace for protection, energy, and love.  Ashley is so sad because her biological father was going to come visit, but he couldn’t make it because he was sick.  Jacqueline is trying to find the silver lining, pointing out that the good intention was there, but Ashley, the eternal optimist, was disappointed.  She calls her dad to say hello, and his enthusiasm is overwhelming.  I think I see where Ashley gets her sparkling personality.

The Boys II Manzos and their sassy friend Greg are going to an Asian Jurassic Park Restaurant.  Well thank God they invited Lauren to go with them, otherwise we would be having another pity party.  Oh wait, it’s a birthday party for Ashley, so I think Lauren’s whiny attitude will fit in just fine.  She announces that she doesn’t want to sit next to Ashley.  They are bashing Ashley about getting a new car, and of course Albie comes to her defense.  Ashley and her friends are running late and everyone else is showing up at the party first.  Wait, why is Abe Vagoda at her party?  Oh, that’s Jacqueline’s father.  Everyone is gathered at the hibachi grill and they are divided up into two tables, the kids and the adults.  The chef makes the standard onion volcano, and everyone is oohing and ahhing.  Except for Ashley who can’t stop texting.  Jacqueline asks her to put the phone down and makes a toast.  So if all of her friends and family are there, who the hell is she texting?  The boys prompt her for a speech and she thanks everyone for coming, now cut the shit, she has texting to do!

Melissa welcomes her party planner, Fabulous Fred, who arrives with a plateful of sprinkle cookies.  Only the best for Jesus’ Birthday.  Fred is over the top, he is talking ice sculptures, relocating furniture, casino in here, two craps, two blackjack, one roulette, because we must be sure we have a plethora of debauchery for Jesus’ birthday.

Joe is stressed about the costs, so he and Fred do a shot.  Melissa has to point out that the party is also for charity, she would never throw such a lavish party without doing something for children.  Okay, so here is the piece de resistance, Fred says “if you want roly poly servers with their bellies sticking out, they’re one price…if you want models, good looking people, beautiful people, that speak correctly, they’re another price.”  So many jokes, so little time.  So what class are Joe and Melissa?  Well they are good looking people, but they certainly don’t speak correctly, so what price would they be?  They must be in between “Just Reduced in time for Jesus’ Birthday” and “Everything Must Go!”  Fred finally coughs up a rough number, $50,000.  Wow, just, wow.  Joe takes another shot and they get on with the show.

Kathy and her children are setting up their own tree and it has a Mardi-Gras theme.  Richie is outside micro-managing the service he hired to decorate the outside of the house.  He must show his man-hood by doing this for Kathy.  He’s tough, that Richie, he can hire people.  I have to laugh when he asks if he can get a discount for helping, and the hired help tells him they charge extra when the homeowner helps.  That is a great line, I will have to use that.  Richie thinks the tree looks like a rooster and the jester tree topper looks cross-eyed.  It’s like the sun Richie, you cannot look directly at it.

Caroline and Albert go to the jeweler to see the custom designed bracelets they are purchasing for their family.  Caroline explains how she wants their kids to have a piece that represents the family and how they are linked for eternity.  The designer shows them a few designs and they select the $4,500 bracelet.  Albert loves it, bracelets for everybody!  A bit more than he planned to spend that day, Caroline knew she could appeal to his sentimental nature.

The big party is being staged, it’s only a few hours away.  The ice sculptures are being carved out of chain saws and the casino is being set up.  Melissa is in hair and makeup with her entourage.  Joe is prancing in to take a shower and he asks if they want to see him naked.  Then he and Melissa entertain a conversation about how they couldn’t live without each other, but Joe says he would be living on an island with 10 women.  Melissa says she would pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him and he says she would need a chain saw.  Well Joe, there is a crew with two chainsaws in front of your house.  Joe is like a little boy, he has an overactive imagination and he likes to run around naked.

Teresa is getting ready to go and she is bitching that she doesn’t want to go and is venting about Melissa stealing her hairdresser.  I don’t understand her sometimes, she wants to reconcile, but then she keeps throwing these stupid pot shots at Melissa.  She needs to get over it, besides she shouldn’t even have a hairdresser.  Will someone please tell Teresa that she’s BROKE???

Kathy and Richie are on their way to the party in anticipation of seeing Teresa.  They don’t want to ruin the party.  Well Richie, something tells me that someone, somewhere, will ruin this party.

Everything is in full swing at the Gorga mansion and guests are hogging photo ops at the step and repeat.  Sassy Greg comments that it’s like walking into the Bellagio.  Melissa is telling us all about the features of the party, the gorgeous ice sculpture, the carolers and their beautiful outfits, the casino tables, the Gorga money, and (drumroll please) a “bar going on in my liberrry.”  Yes, you read that right…she said LIBERRY.

The girls are posing for pictures and Joe starts making some inappropriate comments about Kathy to Richie.  Richie tells Joe “listen you mo-fo, that’s your cousin, that’s still my wife, I’ll f*ckin’, I’ll trow ya’, I’ll trow ya on top of dat f*ckin’ ice sculpture.”  But no fighting Richie, it’s Jesus’ Birthday!

Teresa is ready to go and Juicy is boycotting.  He is still on the couch watching TV with his hand in his pants.  He’s f*ckin’ tired and he doesn’t want to go hang out with losers.  Because he is so “winning” and all.  He begrudgingly throws his glad rags on and then proceeds to demonstrate a kick to the punching bag in the garage.  He tells Teresa that’s what they will get if anyone steps out of line.

Melissa is having an underwear crisis because they can see her g-string under her skin tight white cocktail dress.  Her sisters are telling her to just take them off.  Melissa says “it was cold, I was getting chilly, y’know like my crotch and everything…”  No, Melissa, I don’t know like about your chilly crotch and everything.  Get your knickers on and get back to your guests in the liberry bar.  Make sure they have enough liberryations.

The remaining Manzo clan arrives and they admire the ice sculpture.  I think the ice sculpture of Joe and Melissa is, well…just creepy.  Lauren comments on how the house is fabulous and says she was at a housewarming party “just like this.”  Is she referring to Teresa’s housewarming party on her re-done home?  Once again, it’s implied that Melissa is imitating Teresa.  Melissa gets on the microphone to thank everyone and allow the representative from St. Joseph hospital to say a few words.  Teresa and Juicy arrive about two hours late.  They make their way in and manage to have a civil greeting exchange with Joe and Melissa.  Kathy is ready to approach Teresa because she is a “good Christian.”  It is in this moment that I notice that Kathy has epaulettes on the shoulders of her dress.  She has a fashion sense much like Michael Jackson.  She is trying to be nice to Teresa, but Tre ain’t havin’ it.  Chris Laurita is in the background giving both of them the side-eye.  We are treated to a few shots of Kathy’s sister, Rosie.  Now, Rosie looks like a chick that you don’t want to mess with.  She’s kinda like a hybrid between Rosanne and Chaz Bono.  Teresa starts venting and Kathy does the same, calls Teresa a “f*ckin’ bitch.”  She and Richie go into the bathroom and he gives her some great advice, “go out there and rip her a new a** hole.”  He then tells her “if you want, I’ll “burn this whole f*ckin’ place down.”  Someone please take his gasoline and matches away!  Kathy assures us that her world doesn’t revolve around Teresa.  Could have fooled me.

Juicy is talking to Melissa’s brother in law and he asks Juice man for the $1,000 he owes him.  Teresa goes off on Melissa and tells her to put a muzzle on him.  So much for enjoying her night, Melissa is constantly running interference between all these buffoons and their Holiday Hijinks.  Teresa is praising Juicy for not over-reacting.  Small victories Juice man, small victories.

So if we haven’t had enough drama, Kim “Strait Up G” shows up with Monica Chacon.  Juicy warns Teresa and now it’s on, on like donkey kong.  Teresa asks Melissa to dismiss Monica from the gathering.  I do have to give Melissa props here, she handles it quite gracefully given that it’s extremely awkward.  Then Kim “Strait Up G” decides to be a “Strait Up C” about it.  Jacqueline inserts herself into the drama to try to talk some Strait up sense into Kim “Strait Up C”.  Kim “Strait Up C” just wants to argue and Joe and Melissa explain the situation to Monica and she seems to understand, but they keep talking.  This whole situation is taking way too long to sort out.  Kim “Strait Up C” needs to STFU and leave, really.  Monica makes her exit and Jacqueline is still trying to get Kim “Strait Up C” to mend fences with Teresa.

Looks like the shit-stirring continues next week.  Happy Birthday, Jesus!


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