STFU

It’s the holidays in Jersey and Jacqueline and her father are setting up the tree in preparation for the big holiday party.  Jacqueline, Ashley, and her father are sitting at the table making construction paper chain garland.  I don’t think I have done that since the second grade.  Ashley proceeds to lecture Jacqueline about meddling in the drama and other people’s bidness.  Hello, kettle, this is the pot, ummm…you’re black!

Boys II Manzo’s and their sassy friend Greg are at Caroline’s helping her move the furniture in preparation for holiday decorating.  Lauren is being a full-throttle, pedal to the metal, nitro burnin’ bitch.  She is struggling with the fact that her brothers have moved to Hoboken with their friend Greg.

Albie has a good point, he says they had to get used to their friend Vito dating Lauren.  I actually think that would be harder for them to get used to.  And he points out that at least they don’t have to worry about Greg ever dating Lauren. *wink*wink*

They dig the Santa figures out of storage and something has eaten the plastic Santa faces off.  Caroline thinks it’s a rat, Albert thinks it was a person, and Albie thinks they should leave it on someone’s doorstep as a message.  Haha – I like Albie’s thinking.  I have a few people on my list that deserve that.  Maybe they can drop it off at Danielle Staub’s house.  I bet it was her shady man-friend Danny Provenzano who snuck in and ate the Santa faces.

So they perch the headless, creepy Santa at the front door while Caroline and Lauren fantasize about a green feathered Christmas tree they saw in a store front.  They make Greg call the store to see if they still have them.  He uses his best Guido voice, but he cannot hide his flaming gayness when he becomes as giddy as Mariah Carey at Christmas time over the fact that they still have the feathery trees.

Meanwhile, back at the double douche ranch, Melissa is lotioning up in preparation for her singing performance in front of some producers she was referred to by her attorney.  Apparently, if she glistens with baby oil, she will sound like Mariah Carey.  Actually, Melissa sounds better than her.  Oops, did I say that out loud?  Sorry Mimi!  The two men from Soul Diggaz arrive to hear what Melissa has to offer.  Joe proceeds to pour the wine, she may sound better if they are liquored up.  They are all listening and trying to move with the staccato piano playing.  It is here that we see Joe has no rhythm whatsoever.  The producers think she has potential, but it may require 15 hour days in the studio.  Well this puts Joe into a tailspin as he can’t have her away that long, so whadda ya’ know, he will build her a studio.  He takes the men down to the basement to show him the area.  Joe is sacrificing his wine room for Melissa’s studio.  They all praise Jesus!

Transition to Teresa, she is in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot ass mess, putting on her makeup and perfume.  It appears to be “date night” in the Giudice home.  Juicy is chopping onions with his “As Seen on TV” handy chopper.  Teresa comes down in some goofy ass outfit, she has a drapey top on, some very short shorts, and then cowboy boots with fringe on them.  When did Teresa become a blind, backwoods, country porn star?  Juicy leads her in to the living room where he has set up a “romantic” picnic.  All I can seem to notice is that there is NO FURNITURE in the room, but there’s no auction going on.  Uh uh…no way, there is no way they have to auction off all of their belongings due to their financial woes.  No way no how.  Oh wait, Teresa clears it up, they have to pay the mortgage instead of buying furniture.  Heaven forbid they would downsize so they could have places to sit.

Juice man walks in with some plates of linguine hanging off the plates.  They camp out on the floor trying to eat pasta, which appears to be almost impossible.  Tre is going to stain her purple flouncy blouse.  Juicy gives a toast, “you live and learn”.  Words to live by Juice man, words to live by.  God bless.

Kathy and Richie are still smoking crank because they are still contemplating the restaurant deal.  Kathy is still in her ridiculous hat and she says “buying a restaurant is a YOUGE risk.”  Really, hmmm…considering restaurants have a notoriously high failure rate, I couldn’t imagine why she would think that.  This is a pipe dream.

Sidebar:  I love how people from the East coast say “huge”…. “YOUGE”.  Gotta love it.

They walk into this really gorgeous space, which is clearly beyond their reach unless they have a zillion dollars locked up in some foreign bank account.  The current owner is looking to sell because he has another location.  Yes Kathy and Richie…another location that is probably doing much better, that’s why he wants to dump this pop stand and get the hell outta Dodge.  Kathy has a vision, a live band, everyone at the bar, belly dancers, and a toke off the hookah pipe.  WTF?!?!?  She is not living on this planet.  Kathy, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.

Richie wants to pick the outfits for the cocktail waitresses, which will be his “treat”.  Good thinking, he can check out the clearance bin at the skank store, I hear they have tube tops on sale!  They will also have to wear thick rimmed glasses with blinders on the sides and heavy gold chains.  Kathy can envision her future here, but Thank God Richie hasn’t hit the hookah too hard because he can see that this is beyond their financial grasp.

Melissa is at home caring for her family and her 3 year old son, Gino, is whining that he can’t feed himself.  First of all, why is he dressed like Joe?  He has a knit cap and a track suit on and it looks like she is feeding him apple pie.  Breakfast of champions.  Melissa says she can’t baby him forever, otherwise he will be like his daddy.  Too late Melissa, too late.

Joe is in the basement working on the studio construction.  Melissa goes down to see the progress and asks Joe if this is “her box.”  You betcher sweet arse it is Melissa.  It’s the box that Joe plans to keep you in upwards of 15 hours a day so nobody else can have you!  Joe says he is also going to install a two way mirror so he can stand there and stare at her.  C-R-E-E-P-Y…

Melissa wants everything to be in gold because she will be making gold records.  Hmm…seems like Kathy isn’t the only one with a pipe dream here!  Let’s not count our chickens before they’re snatched!

Jacqueline and Lauren venture out to Hoboken to visit the Boys II Manzos.  The boys start talking about their mom and how they talk to her every day.  Jacqueline asks if they also talk to Lauren every day too, way to start up a shit storm Jacqueline.

Lauren becomes visibly upset and she starts crying.  She looks just like Caroline when she gets upset, she starts crying and then she looks like she is laughing.  Greg looks rather uncomfortable and the brothers look annoyed.  Albie leaves the room and returns with a gift for her, which is a key to their apartment.  Bad move Albie, bad move.  Greg looks a little bewildered, like, uh, thanks for consulting me about this, roomies!

Jacqueline is preparing for her holiday gathering and she is worried about Teresa and Joe getting too hammered and fighting.  Her mom asks “what’s the worst that can happen, a fist fight?”  Well, yes actually.

Back in Hoboken, the green feather tree is being set up.  Albie is not a fan of the tree, he says it’s the sign of the apocalypse.  Lauren cannot believe that the boys do not have glitter and glue.  So she must improvise, she uses glue and red pepper flakes to write their names on the stockings.  Greg announces his New Year’s resolution “stop taking everything so seriously and just chill the F’ out.”  That’s a good one.  Now if Lauren could just make a resolution to end her pathetic pity party over her brothers.  Greg wants to take a vacation and says Lauren can come.  She tells him she doesn’t want to be invited to the pity party.  Well apparently, you do Lauren, you are the Grand Marshall of the Pity Party Parade.  Maybe she can visit Kathy’s new restaurant… “Pity Party, table for one!”  She then proceeds to pitch a fit because Albie called her to ask how much pasta he needed to feed 5 people.  Outrage, he had friends stop by unexpectedly.  They start to argue about this and Lauren is like a detective here, she has all the facts, witnesses, and surveillance photos.  She really has to get over this and Caroline tells her she is being unreasonable.

Jacqueline goes to pay a visit to Kim “Strait Up G”.  Kim “Strait Up G” tells her about her brain tumor and invites Jacqueline to feel the back of her head where she is missing part of her skull.  That’s always fun to do when you catch up with an ol’ friend.

Then we revisit Teresa’s insults to Kim “Strait Up G” and her “old lady butt crack”.  Kim “Strait Up G” starts reading a text from a friend to Jacqueline about Teresa.  Jacqueline tells her she doesn’t care and her friend needs to “shut the f*ck up.”  Then she tells Kim “Strait Up G” to “shut the f*ck up.”  Then she says Kim “Strait Up G” can throw her out anytime, and “shut the f*ck up.”  Gee, I really hope she gets the message and shuts the f*ck up.  I am not sure Jacqueline made it clear.

Teresa and Juicy spent the whole day in court where she ran into Monica Chacon.  We flash back to the Posche fashion show where Kim “Strait Up G” introduces Monica to Melissa and Kathy.  They say “nice to meet you” and Monica says “I’m suing Teresa” and they all give a collective “ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”  Well that’s a fine how-do-ya-do.  So I guess this implies that the text Kim “Strait Up G” was trying to read to Jacqueline was from Monica Chacon, who is Juicy’s, ex business partner’s, lawyer’s wife.  The reports in the media state that Teresa went off on Monica like a flaming hyena at the court house.

Kathy and Richie go to visit Albert at the Brownstone for some sage advice on the restaurant business and Albert laughs in their faces.  He explains to them how much sacrifice it takes and how they will basically have no life.  He encourages Kathy to go into the catering aspect as she had originally planned.  She was right all along, leave it to Richie to blow it out of proportion and run around thinking they are going to open a restaurant.  Richie needs to get back to doing what he does best, doing shots with his 14 year old son.

Jacqueline has hired a chef for her party so she can man the crazy train that is about to leave the station and go off the rails.  Teresa and Juicy arrive, and she looks absolutely ridiculous in all her fur.  Juicy is complaining that it takes them too long to open the door.  Wow, Juicy, you really are a fun time.  Teresa gives Jacqueline her version of the dust up with Monica.  Meanwhile, Juicy dishes the dirt to the men and says “she’s f*ckin’ crazy, my wife, she is f*ckin’ really nuts.”  Teresa went off on Monica and he had to pull her away.  Teresa continues to downplay the incident and she tells Jacqueline (brace yourself) that she had to “silence the lamb.”  I cannot even get started on this one, Teresa is too funny, but this statement just reeks of her stupidity.

Melissa and Joe arrive at the gathering.  Everyone is a bit hesitant, we are not sure if there will be a fista cuffs here or what.  Joe comments on how tall Greg is, but it really just shows how short Joe is.  The group seems to take a liking to Melissa and Joe right away and Joe wastes no time embarrassing Melissa.  Teresa and Melissa start talking about Antonia’s recital.  She was the youngest one there (no sht) and Teresa was not there because of the Catskills trip.  So now, we must argue about why Melissa and Joe were not invited on the trip.  Jacqueline is over it and she wants to get the party started.  Christopher is taking photos of Joe showing different emotions and Joe is happy to ham it up for the camera.

Melissa opens up the can of worms and tells the Boys II Manzo’s that Joe will do anything on a dare.  They proceed to dare him to put on Jacqueline’s outfit, which is a sparkly wrestling singlet of some sort.  Joe wastes no time and comes strutting out looking like a bad drag queen on his way to a commitment ceremony on the upper east side.  They make him run and do a kick and now Jacqueline is horrified that she has to put the outfit back on after Joe *ahem* went “commando” in it.  Melissa and Joe seem to be a big hit.  Melissa is chatting about her sisters and Teresa starts up again being a royal snot on a stick.  Caroline puts the kibosh on it and Melissa invites everyone to her Christmas Party.  Juicy asks three times what time it starts.  She finally answers, but you can tell she is more interested in everyone else.  Teresa is not happy about this, but she doesn’t care because she has lots of her own friends.  Lots of them…well Tre maybe you should ask all your friends for furniture this Christmas.

Next week looks good, yet another fista cuffs between Teresa and Kathy and Juicy is going to be confronted by some dude asking for money he is owed.  Monica shows up with Kim “Strait Up G”.  Wow…it’s a festivus for the restuvus.

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