Catshrills

We start with the Teresa Melissa dust up conversation.  I will present this in a conversation capsule as we did last week:

The Christening was disgusting…Didn’t sleep for a week!

Get away…Don’t know why!

Do know why…Holding the baby, faking!…Faking?

Nicey nicey…I came to the hospital!

Melissa rolling eyes

Money!  Money?  Money!  Don’t go there!

Joe owes money to an unhappy plumber…this is common, pay him the $1,000, your wife has more than that on her feet!

Teresa wants to move forward, tit for tat, parents dying, move forward.  Rewind to when Melissa and Joey first met.  You were like a sister.

Ignore phone call, push away, run away!

Wife makes it and wife breaks it.  Eye rolling!

Melania and Antonia are asking about each other, the wives need to make it better.  It’s sick!

Show me love!

Melissa brings up Kathy, Tre puts the kibosh on that!

Melissa snickers, they hug it out.

Whew…well it was a bit anti-climactic and a bit like being stuck inside of a coo-coo clock.  This is not over, it never will be.  These two can say they are over the “Petty bullshit” as much as they want, they will engage in B.S. again.  Jacqueline is eavesdropping and smiling as she thinks they are making progress.  Melissa is already a doubting the reconciliation, she has a person on her shoulder whispering “bullshit” in her ear.

Jacqueline comes in with cookies, Melissa brings out old pictures from vacation and they reminisce.  Jacqueline invites Melissa and Joe to their annual holiday cocktail party.  Hang on to your wigs and keys folks, something tells me there may be another pageant fista-cuffs at the party.

Teresa starts yammering again, Jacqueline dives on top of her in effort to shut her up.  Teresa brings up the punch between Jacqueline and Caroline and says all sister in-laws fight.  They wind up with a glass of wine and all is fine…for now.

Caroline and Albert discuss her radio performance and the Catskills.  Albert will not be going to the Catskills and Caroline is afraid, she likes the Catskills, but this is “Teresa’s Catskills”.  Jacqueline is packing up, and apparently all she needs is a Rubbermaid storage tub full o’ wine.  Chris is packing guns and Jacqueline tells him she is on her period and he shouldn’t want her to be around guns.  She is deeply concerned, but he can’t tell because of her botox.

Melissa is preparing for Antonia’s ballroom dance recital at the Christmas Ball.  Melissa and her sister Lysa have a meeting of the mind to dish on the dust up.  She busts out the “family first” routine that Teresa gave her and now Lysa is totally pissed off.  Melissa says that this is the “last and final draw.”  Oh mother of all that is good and descent, would these people learn their colloquialisms?!?! 

Teresa is ready to roll to the Catskills, looking like bigfoot.  Jacqueline says it will be good for Teresa to get away and “unravel a little bit.”  Well Jacqueline, Teresa is about as unraveled as they come, I think you meant UNWIND a little bit.  Judging by the storage tub full o’ wine that Jacqueline is bringing, I would say they plan to become completely unhinged.

Chris asks Juicy if he wants to taste his nuts.  Har har har, fun in the car.  It sounds like everybody and their brother is invited, should be cozy.

Kathy is sorting through her recipes, oh whadda you know, she wants to do a dessert catering business because she is so proud of her dessert table at Thanksgiving.  Richie wants to think bigger and his imagination is running wild.  Kathy is irritated, she wants to go with her own ideas instead of Richie taking over.  He don’t want her doin’ no “piggies in a blanket.”  Kathy wants to be left to her own devices, but he talks her into looking at some restaurant space.  Is it just me, or do the cast members of these Housewives shows make the dumbest business decisions ever?

The crew is arriving at the Catskills and papa Juicy Sr. is setting the table.  They are late and Tre blames Juicy Jr.  There are dead animals all over the walls and Jacqueline is freaked out.  The men are playing with the guns and papa Juicy Sr. is preparing dinner, pasta-n-thumbs, I think.  Everyone is more fascinated by the guns rather than eating and one of the men hand Teresa a gun.  She starts pointing it and thinks she looks sexy.  They are consuming more home-made wine and Jacqueline says “it smells like rotten eggs, like an old dogs fart.”  I think I just threw up in my mouth.  The look on her face while she is drinking it says it all.  Teresa says it’s wonderful and she loves it.  Sidebar:  On “Watch What Happens Live” after the Housewives, Jacqueline stated that she was not talking about the wine, but the water, which has sulfur in it, hence the smell.  Well thank goodness she cleared that up.  I can’t imagine them drinking wine that smells like an old dog fart.  Is an old dog fart worse than a baby dog fart?  I don’t know…I think all dog farts are in the same class…bad.  Oops…I digress.

The crew is getting pretty lit up and the conversation is bordering on TMI.  They are making pizzas in the middle of the night and Jacqueline is making Nutella calzone.  Jacqueline and Teresa slink off to gossip about Christmas and family matters, but these two are tore up from the floor up!  Teresa is not sure if Kathy will be at the family holiday because their fathers had a fight over $200.00.  Teresa whispers this as she is speaking directly to the camera.  As if whispering it is going to keep it on the “down low.”  Smooth move, Tre…way to keep it hush hush.  Whisper it on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Then she says “that’s the way the ball drops.”  However, she actually does catch herself and corrects her phrase.  Oh well, that’s the way the cookie fumbles, you win some you snooze some, never look a gift horse in its asshole.

Chris brings in a piece of Jacqueline’s Nutella calzone and she tries it and starts yelling that she wins the pizza contest.  Note to Jacqueline, do not eat hot Nutella and then shout with your mouth open.  Not a pretty sight!  She looks like she has a mouthful of steamin’ poo.

Richie and Kathy go to look at restaurant space and Kathy has her Michael Jackson hat on.  Kathy doesn’t want Richie to think she is working for him, so they must be partners.  Richie doesn’t like the first spot because there is a body shop near it and in the summer the customers will be choking on the fumes from the body shop.  Gotta love that Richie, he is such a forward thinker.  A real visionary!  Kathy doesn’t like it because it looks like a pizzeria.  They look at another spot and she hates the décor.  Richie says “it looks like a big, cold box.”  No Richie, that’s your wife….

Shift to Juicy spanking Teresa up in the Catskills upon waking up in his boy-hood bed.  They are playing with a small vibrating pocket buddy, which is just bizarre.  Juicy reminisces about the times they shared together and he climbing around on the bed in his crusty long underwear and tube socks.  I have to say, not a good look for the Juice man.  He needs to put a shirt on.  He looks like a disheveled honey bear that was shot with a blow-dart without enough tranquilizer.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline watches one of the men prep a pig for roasting.  Teresa is still in her pink zebra stripe PJ’s and she wants to shoot the gun.  Caroline and the gang are now arriving.  She gives the boys II Manzos a mini-lecture about the guns, but something tells me they have no intention of listening.  The girls gather in the kitchen and Teresa comes out in this weird Eskimo, American Indian, full length leather vest with fur trim.  Caroline “didn’t get the memo” about dress code, she says she went for comfort.  Although with a camel-toe the size of New Jersey, I don’t see how Caroline could be comfortable.

Caroline needs to find a CVS in town, maybe they have an “As Seen on TV” aisle where she can purchase a device to remove that stubborn camel toe once and for all!  Christopher says he wants to get drunk before they go skeet shooting.  Wow, just wow… just goes to show you that there is no “off” position on the genus switch.  Caroline tells him no quads, which apparently means 4-wheelers.  Teresa wants Caroline to let up on the boys a bit, but I have to go with Caroline on this one.  Drunk men + guns + 4-wheelers = recipe for disaster.

Juicy thinks he’s John Wayne and he is shooting up watermelons.  Later, Chris asks Juicy if Teresa is on a “budget” for holiday shopping.  Chris, you should know better, Teresa doesn’t speak that language.  The girls are in town purchasing some groceries and scaring the local townies.  Meanwhile, the boys are off on the quads, and Christopher says that Albie “drives like a bitch” so their mom has nothing to worry about.

Joe is playing grab ass with Melissa and she is trying to run away from him.  He is going crazy over her red dress and literally jams his hand up her butt crack and she tells him to “back off.”  They are walking out of the house and Joe is video taping Melissa’s ass as she is walking out.  Melissa is lecturing Joe in the car about parents and how she lost her father, they should enjoy their time with them.  Joe goes into his shpeel about how he is her father, blah, blah blah.  He is just so creepy.  I don’t know what exactly is wrong with him.  Either he was dropped on his head several times as a child or he is taking too much human growth hormone.  Dat boy just ain’t right!

Back in the Catskills, the gang breaks out the pig and the homemade ass-crack wine.  Caroline is grossed out by the pig and Chris is waving around the pigs head or something.  It may be a lamb head, I don’t know, but it has tubes hanging out of the neck.  It’s pretty disgusting.  Teresa serves some lasagna so Caroline can eat something that “wasn’t running around”.  They laugh and talk over dinner, and then they break out this old picture of Juicy doing the splits.  He is not just doing the splits on land, but he has his toes balanced on railings, so he is in mid-air.  It looks like he is under a bridge or something and he is wearing a Richard Simmons outfit and he has a smarmy used-car salesman moustache.  This picture is so hilarious, it makes me wanna have Christmas.  The gang decides to have a contest and Jacqueline busts it out and goes right into a split.  Then Juicy gets down, but he’s gotta ease into it.  Good thing he’s had a few drinks to firm his resolve and quell any misgivings.  He’s easing into it with his tight jeans and Chris says he “spreads really easy”.  Well with that accomplished, they decide to go out in the dark to drive the quads, drunk.  This is some real genius shit here.  But I am so glad they got a chance to unravel, they never get to act this crazy at home!

Sidebar:  This house in the Catskills is, let’s say, quite cozy.  It appears to be very tight quarters.  I do not even want to think about the bathroom situation, especially if they are drinking a lot of old dog-fart wine and consuming various unidentifiable meats.

Kathy and family arrive for Antonia’s dance recital.  Joe’s mother is there and Melissa is worried about tension between her mother in law and Kathy.  Of course Kathy doesn’t get caught up in any “petty bullshit”.  Well Kathy, the night is young.

Joe is dancing around with his mother on the dance floor and he is picking her up, twirling her around, and practically drops her.  I think his mother is taller than he is.  The first act of the show starts and Richie says he feels like he’s in the twilight zone and he wants to leave.  Antonia comes out and Joe is video taping her.  She marches out and starts jumping around with her dance partner, who happens to be a much older African-American man.  All of the people in this show are adults.  Something tells me Antonia is the youngest student they have at the New Jersey Fred Astaire school of dance.  Antonia’s partner moves her around like he is posing a doll.  Sorry Antonia, but you got a long way to go kid.  Joe’s mother is lecturing him about eating something because he is drinking.  Joe is looking happy, his cheeks are all rosy, and he is all smiles, but he is a bit punch drunk.

The Catskills crew roll up to the B & B lounge.  They think it stands for broke and busted.  Teresa is going nuts and they are scaring the local rubes.  She says “it looks like fifth avenue enraided the Catskills.”  I wish I was kidding.  Teresa is playing wing man and she gets on stage to try and auction off Caroline’s friend Delores.

The next day there is more shooting and Caroline is ready to go home, stick a fork in her, she’s done.  Teresa first needs to take the crew to their personal chapel that Juicy’s father built at the end of the driveway.  How convenient, drink, shoot, eat pig, drive quad in dark, drink, do splits, repent, repeat!

Jacqueline and Caroline have the giggles in the chapel.  They are completely slap happy.  Caroline says it’s like a whore going to church after a weekend of debauchery. 

I think the way to settle this whole Gorga vs. Giudice mess is to have a “split-off”.  Whoever can drop it down into the splits in tight jeans the fastest wins.  Next week should be a real doozy!

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