Cool as a Whistle

We begin with Caroline rehearsing for her radio gig.  Caroline is having some jitters, so she has enlisted the help of her friend, Delores for a rehearsal.  Delores pretends to be Teresa calling in about the Joe problem.  She does a pretty good impression, she keeps interrupting and she is not listening.

Melissa and Joe are selecting an outfit for Joe to wear to the peace talks with Teresa.  Melissa picks out a blue shirt to go with his brown pants.  I have never heard of that color combo, but based on Melissa’s outfit, she should not be giving fashion advice.  She is still wearing her bedazzled knit cap and a weird black and blue sweater.  Joe pooh-poohs the brown shirt (pun intended) and wants something else, so she picks out a salmon colored shirt, Joe rubs his li’l belly in approval.  He tucks the shirt in half way and then straps on his gangsta chain with the cross on it.  They meet at Portofino’s to hash things out, and they order some wine because family feuds should always be settled over alcohol.  Joe takes out the letter from Teresa and prepares to put her on blast.  He reads the part where she wrote that she is sorry for hurting him and his family and he asks her what she means by that.  This conversation goes nowhere fast so we will quickly recap:

you tell me…no I’m not telling you, you tell me

no, uh like uh…crickets as the wine is poured by the waiter

I’m your brother, neglecting, don’t make face…I’m not, I’m not

the christening, did you see what happened, if it were your party, disgusting animals, way back with your husband, relationship, loved each other, beautiful home, you’re causing friction…

Sidebar:  We learn a valuable piece of information here.  Joe met Melissa in Cancun and then again at the Jersey Shore.  He promised Melissa the world.  Teresa reveals that Joe met Melissa right after he broke up with his fiancée, then got engaged to someone else, and then a month before the wedding it was called off.  Then he started dating Melissa in October and she moved in with Joe in December and married in August.  There could be a few things happening here, maybe they don’t take Joe and Melissa seriously since Joe changes fiancées like he changes socks.  Maybe Teresa is just so infuriated by the fact that he was engaged so many times.  That did throw her over the edge with Danielle in season 1.  “Prostitution whooooore…engaged 18 times!”…annnnnd table flip…annnnnd scene!

Okay. Back to the recap: 

You put a wedge in between…No you put a wedge in between

You’re fake!…I’m fake?

You’re lost honey!

Now you put Kathy against me?

We learn that Teresa and Kathy were once close, like sisters.  We are treated to a picture of Kathy in her youth.  All I can say is what the holy hot ass rats nest is on her head?  Any rat living in Kathy’s hair must have died on her head from the combination of toxic hairspray and spray tan fumes.  And someone had their makeup gun set to whoooooooahh that day.

Back to the conversation that is going nowhere fast:

You need to sit there and say you F*cked up, I’m your GD brother!

You didn’t congratulate me on my book…You didn’t invite me!

It’s on Facebook…I don’t have Facebook!

Your wife does…Ah, fuhgeddabout my wife, I don’t get on the internet (i.e., he is not allowed on the internet)

I gotta get invited…You don’t get invited to a book signing

I don’t know, anybody in our family ever wrodda book?

Teresa’s mouth is moving, no words coming out

You don’t call my kids…Yes I do!

You never seen them, don’t it suck…Yes, it sucks!

My wife evil?…You know I tried, married, changed, ignored phone calls

You wanna know why, you tell it as it is, hurt feelings, cookies in the garbage

You know what she wrote, re-done home…Re-done home.

She has list (as Joe holds up wine list)…You push buttons, I push back

Both flashy, competitive, you’re in mommy and daddy’s ear every day

My wife whore and I marry whore, grandkids, phone every day

I just want everybody to be normal

She’s cold person…She’s not bad person

She pushed away, I got away

How can we make better…Whatever, I don’t wanna talk anymore

Teresa getting emotional, mom and daddy, it takes two

You are my sister, call my wife, work it out, I have a headache, let’s go.

They leave and all of the tables and chairs at Portofino’s remain in tact.  However, the question remains, what in the actual f*ck are they fighting about?  I can’t answer that and I can’t really do this scene justice.  In case you missed it, below is a link to the Bravo mashup of this discussion.  It’s worth watching.

Kathy and Richie go over to the Gorga Family Accountant’s house for dinner, the Hiza’s.  Joe and Melissa arrive and Melissa is so upset over Joe and Teresa, but Joe says things went okay with Teresa, but he doubts her sincerity.  Joe asked her to speak to Melissa and she is open to it.  Melissa is claiming that she will wipe the slate clean and walk away, but then in the same sentence she says that once everything is “fine and dandy” she is going to talk to Teresa about Kathy and how she crossed the line.  I don’t get this approach, so you will make it fine and dandy with the two of you and then pick a fight on Kathy’s behalf?  Hooker, puh-leeeze.  Kathy encourages her to fight her own battle and that’s it.  Teresa and Kathy will hash it out.  Melissa asks Mrs. Hiza if she knows Teresa and she says “she was invited to our daughter’s birthday party and never RSVP’d, she’s just rude.”  Now they start trash talking the Giudice’s and their financial issues.

Carolyn and Albert are preparing for their day.  I kinda like their bathroom set up, they both have a vanity and mirror back to back to one another, so they can talk to each other and look at each other without turning around.  Albert encourages her and she heads off to the station with Lauren.  Lauren says Caroline will be great “she is loving and sweet, but she’ll tell you to go F’ yourself and then smile in your face.”

Jacqueline visits Teresa and they talk about the Teresa/Joe Fista-Cuffs Face-Off.  Teresa reveals that Melissa stated she married for money.  She thinks she’s a gold-digger, “y’know like dat song”.  Joe calls Teresa about what is in the news regarding the Giudice financial situation, Jacqueline says Tre is in the middle of a shit-storm, but is in denial.  Teresa resumes her talk about sister in laws and we re-visit the Jacqueline/Caroline feud when Jacqueline punched Caroline square in the jaw.  Jacqueline offers Teresa her house for a neutral meeting place, Melissa agrees to meet and the stage is set.

Caroline is still nervous about the radio show as she prepares to take to the air.  She is a bit shaky at first, but she gets her radio legs quickly.  Her topic for the show is “Family Feuds”, how apropos.  By the end of the show, Caroline is right at home rockin’ da mic.

Kathy is listening to the radio show while she folds laundry and compliments Caroline on her skills and says she has a lot of respect for her.  Translation:  Kathy is scared shitless of Caroline.

Caroline emerges from the studio and gets hugs all around.  She has headphone hair, but she did great and they are all proud of her.

Meanwhile, back at creepy town (a.k.a., the Gorga’s), Kathy arrives in a goofy hat and she looks like Michael Jackson from behind.  Melissa, Kathy, and Lysa need to have a meeting of the mind to discuss Melissa being thrown to the wolves by meeting Teresa at Jacqueline’s.

Jacqueline and Caroline are having coffee and Teresa is on the way.  Jacqueline brings Caroline up to speed and tells her Teresa and Melissa are meeting at her house shortly.  Carolyn looks alarmed and realizes she needs to make a quick getaway.  She says Jacqueline has a higher tolerance for people than she does.  Teresa and Melissa are both guilty of trying to one-up each other.  Jacqueline offers Teresa coffee and a sedative.  Teresa invites them to the Catskills for the weekend without kids.  Caroline will go as long as there is a couch and running water.  Caroline then re-focuses on the issue at hand and tells Tre to put her big girl panties on and make it right with Melissa.  Teresa looks like she has already taken a sedative or a handful.

Jacqueline is ready for a bailey’s and she feels like she is going to have diarrhea.  Teresa says she is “calm and cool as a whistle.”  That’s right Tre, If you can’t take the heat, get out of the oven.  You can’t lead a dead horse to water.  I’m sure she doesn’t want to be a pawn in a game of checkers, but sometimes you have to shoot from the seat of your pants.  Ignorance is golden people. Ignorance is golden.  What a goofball she is, the nut didn’t fall far from that tree.

Melissa arrives and says to Jacqueline “I brought you a glass of wine”, but she has a bottle of wine.  Now we know that to Melissa, a bottle is probably a glass, and she would like to drink it right about now.  Jacqueline hopes they can hug it out and end the family drama.  Teresa starts the talks and it doesn’t begin well.  Melissa is a little combative and it’s going to go down the money road, which is never good.  Next week they will finish the hash out and then Teresa and the gang go to the Catskills to play with guns.  Until then…


One thought on “Cool as a Whistle

  1. Hey, I LOVE your RH of NJ episode comments. They are hilarious. Keep up the great work. This extended clan of spoiled crazy people will only get funnier with the series spin offs and court dates coming up. BTW, “Juicy” and “G to the ia”? LOL, excellent!

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