Bedazzled and Frazzled

We start by visiting the Gorga’s, Joe is so tired from an exhausting day at work.  You know Joe works hard, he’s got that admirable “work ethnic.”  Antonia is playing around with him and pounding on his chest.  Melissa says “Antonia, don’t get fresh!”  Well, I wonder where she would get that.  Geez Joe is “getting fresh” every chance he gets.  Melissa wanders into the closet and starts singing “Amazing Grace”, then she sings “that saved a wench like me…”  I about shit.  Oy vey… she sure has a promising singing career ahead of her.  Just what we need, another housewife with a single and one that can’t remember the words to Amazing Grace.  Maybe she can incorporate that lyric into her modernization of the song.  Melissa Gorga is to “Amazing Grace” what Kim Zolciak is to “Tardy for the Party”.

These people have such a command of the English language.  Where o’ where does Andy Cohen find these f*cktards?  It was quite humorous on the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion tonight…Tamra Barney keeps saying “decease and sist letter”.  But I digress…

Joe says, “You sounds like you comin’ out of a radio!”  No Joe, she sounds like she comin’ outta the closet!  He thinks she is going to be a superstar.  I think Joe needs to be more concerned about his manscaping, he needs an eyebrow wax like nobody’s bidness.  He says he wants to be Melissa’s “father” and help her pursue her dream.

Caroline and Albert go golfing, Caroline loves golf about as much as I do.  It couldn’t be any more excruciating.  Oh wait, Caroline is just watching Albert golf that is actually more excruciating than playing.  Albert thinks Caroline may need grandchildren to occupy her time, she is taking the “empty nest” syndrome pretty hard.  Albert suggests she utilize her talent for giving family and parenting advice.  Hmm…could it be “The Bottom Line, with Caroline Manzo” show?

Jacqueline is sitting down for a relaxing cup o’ tea and here comes Ashley, the walkin’ calamity with her hobo knit cap on.  What is it with these Jersey peeps and the knit caps?  Chris springs the news on Jacqueline that he is getting Ashley a new car and Jacqueline will need to co-sign.  Jacqueline is none too pleased, nor should she be.  Ashley says that since she isn’t in and out of rehab, she deserves it.  Well Newsflash Ashley, there is no rehab for stupidity.

At the Giudice household, Joe left a message for Teresa.  She listens to it with the girls in the bedroom with Juicy snoozing by her side.  G to the ia starts crying at the thought that Joe and her mom may make up and says that “it was nice”.  Kinda funny, the guy acts like a total douche nozzle, but he leaves a voice mail and he is the bees knees.  Juicy is disturbed out of his slumber and is clearly annoyed.  Teresa calls back and gets Joe’s voice mail, which she says is always full.  Of course, we all know Joe is just avoiding her.

Kathy and Richie sit down with Joseph and Victoria to go over their “contracts.”  Apparently, the kids have to draw up contracts based on their parents’ expectations and what they will live up to, specifically with regard to drugs and alcohol.  They go upstairs to type their contracts, and as they go, there is a huge poster size picture of Victoria in a cowboy hat by the stairs.  Not only is that bizarre, but you would think she would be embarrassed by that.  Most teenagers do not want life size posters of themselves in the entryway to their parents’ home.

They return with their contracts and Victoria’s is written well, she tells them what they want to hear.  Joseph is bored to tears and he attempts to throw around a bunch of $5 words and its all horse shit.  He basically tells the ‘rents that he is going to wanna have a drink on a Friday or Saturday night, much to Kathy’s chagrin.  He’s 14 and he is saying this in his Benson-n-Hedges voice like he is a member of the Rat Pack.  Joseph says he will not be a “goody two shoe” and Richie appreciates his honesty.  Again, these wizards and their command of the language.  He tells Joseph he should have a drink with him if he wants to try it.  Kathy seems fine with that, says she doesn’t want to be head of household, but be the neck.  The head doesn’t move without neck.  So I guess that means she is wearing the camel toe pants in this family, but allows Richie have the illusion of control.  Richie tells Joseph, sure, it’s bad for you and illegal, but let me know if you wanna try it!  Although, Richie will be too busy to get hammered with his kid, he will be opening hate mail from angry mothers across America for the next month.

Melissa goes out with her sisters to shop ‘til they drop.  Melissa has a coat fetish and the boutique owner wants to give Melissa the chinchilla coat because she spends so much in the store.  Teresa says Melissa “knows how to get what she wants”, she doesn’t know any other way to f*ckin’ spell it out.  It would appear that Melissa is with Joe for his money and the fact that he lets her spend, spend, spend, not work, and will fund her pop star career venture.  Melissa puts on a gold sparkly dress and reminisces about her toddlers-n-tiaras days.  Melissa is talking about Joe buying her a piano and all the ladies in the shop are gasping.  She said piano, not space ship.  These broads are gasping like she just revealed the cure for cancer.  Get a grip.  The ladies feign interest in Melissa’s singing career.  She is super serious about this, Kathy has already hooked her up with a song writer from church.  The sisters are ready to be backup dancers.  We’ve got a regular road show crew here.  Oh snap, Melissa puts the kibosh on that and says “you’re too old to be my backup dancers!”

G to the ia is talking to her uncle Joe and is all excited about the prospect of him attending her gymnastics meet.  Teresa tells him to come to the meet, but not without being combative first.  She just can’t help herself.  He thinks the meet is 2:30, Tre says 1:30 and G to the ia says 1:00.  Hmmmm…it doesn’t take a Philadelphia lawyer here to figure out that JOE WILL BE LATE!

Tre calls Jacqueline to update her while she frantically puts her makeup on in her GOLD bathroom.  The bathroom is over the top, just like Tre.  It looks like Liberace threw up in there.

Jacqueline and Chris take Ashley to the Jeep dealer to pick up the new wrangler.  Jacqueline is predicting this will turn into an “I told you so” moment.  She is a bit envious of the new car they have picked out, but she is willing to go along with it because she knows eventually it will be hers.  There is no way Eeyore is holding up her end of the bargain.  They are waiting to sign the papers and Chris suggests that they keep one of the keys so he can be the repo man.  Ashley flies into a tail spin and Chris says he is taking the car to get coffee after they leave.  Ashley is so pissed off that she would rather leave then allow Chris to do this.  Somebody throw some mood stabilizers at this ungrateful bitch.

Kathy is making hot wings and the kids are poking around in the kitchen.  Victoria is trying to convince Joseph to talk to his friends and support her cause, Brain Awareness Month.  Apparently little Victoria had a brain tumor the size of a tennis ball when she was 10 and underwent brain surgery.  Kathy reminisces about how Teresa and Joe were there for them, but how it seems like such a long time ago.  Joseph is trepidacious about Victoria’s club because it’s too feminine for him and his friends.  Besides, Joseph is too busy, he has Benson-n-Hedges to smoke and drinks to have with dad.  Kathy says she hopes they stay close “you don’t spit in the wind, it could come back in your face.”  Victoria and Joseph talk about staying close and having each other’s backs.  Joseph says he basically won’t need her to save his ass, he will take a shower when he is in trouble because his parents can’t bother him when he’s in the shower.  Solid strategy Joseph, solid.  They discuss writing a contract to agree to stay close.  Is this similar to the “friend contract” that caused such an uproar on the Housewives of Atlanta between Cynthia and Nene?!?!?

Melissa is rehearsing her new song that she sent to the songwriter.  She fed him a zillion text messages with every flighty thought she had and he made a song out of it.  It’s sur 2 b a hit.  Too bad the song sucks and he can’t play the piano.

The North Stars Gymnastics meet is in full swing.  Teresa won’t stop talking about the fact that G to the ia is “too excited.”  The girls are all dressed in puffy gold lame vests.  G to the ia maneuvers the uneven parallel bars like a champ.  She is trying to ask Tre if Joe is there, but he is not so she becomes disappointed and is totally thrown off her game.  She can’t do the vault, and her confidence is deflating faster than the Hindenburg.  Juicy actually could not look more bored if he tried.  He can’t wait to get out of there and go back to bed with his binky.

Meanwhile, back at the Wakile’s, Kathy is telling Jospeh to pull up his pants.  Richie thinks Kathy should leave him alone and let him enjoy his youth.  Ummm…okay Richie, so having your pants hang down around your ass like a dipshit is enjoying your youth?  That’s a new one.  Joseph is pulling his camel colored corduroys up so high he is on the verge of having a mini-moose knuckle.  Kathy threatens him with an atomic wedgie.  There is also something odd about their kitchen, they have an empty coca-cola fridge under the counter and when Kathy walks out, it looks like she passes by a popcorn machine.  It’s like a concession stand.

Caroline is driving to Trenton, NJ and calls Jacqueline to chat.  They quickly update one another on the latest drama.  Caroline is heading to a radio station to discuss an opportunity to give advice on the airwaves and she is nervous.  Caroline compliments the man at the station on his pretty blue eyes, flattery will get you everywhere.  The producers seem impressed with her answer about the spouses friending exes on Facebook question.  She hopes to parlay her life experience into somewhat of a career.  You know she will get this gig, this little po-dunk station would be foolish to turn her down.

Melissa is driving Joe and Antonia to the gymnastics meet.  Meanwhile G to the ia has fallen off the balance beam during her cartwheel.  Juicy is irritated and looks like he has indigestion.  Once again, Joe and Melissa are sporting their cat burglar caps.  G to the ia is upset that Joe is a no-show.  They finally make their way into the audience and Juicy makes a remark about how Antonia never says hello to him.  Jezus Juicy, you have a grudge against the toddler?!?!  Teresa is like a dog with a bone and will not let up about them being late.  Now they are scrapping about what time they were told, blah blah blah.  Well you better believe Melissa has ammunition in her back pocket, because Teresa was late to her son’s birthday party, yada yada yada!  I swear these two must keep score cards.

G to the ia takes 7th place and the meet is over.  They are saying goodbye and tensions are high.  The little girls all want to hang out and play, but because all of their parents are total chach-bags, they cannot.  Melissa feels so empty in her bedazzled knit cap.  Probably because she IS EMPTY.  G to the ia explains that she crapped out on the vault because her uncle Joe wasn’t there.  Way to lay on the guilt trip G…well played.  Joe and Tre talk about meeting at Portofino’s to talk and Joe will text her with the address.  Tre and Melissa exchange a fake kiss.  Joe’s mom gives him a bag of stuff for the girls and he is squawking with her about why she won’t give the stuff to the girls herself.  This is definitely a family torn.

Melissa and Joe have a sit down and she is upset because she is being blamed for causing the family rift.  She said she is willing to take everyone’s shit for Joe’s sake.  Well, well, well, how the worm turns.  Melissa went from peace maker last week to “I will take your family’s shit to make you happy Joe.”  Of course, now Joe is going to do a 180 and he is back on the defensive against his family.  Just when he was making strides.  Now Joe says he didn’t answer Teresa’s call on purpose, because she is wrong and she needs to apologize.  This is going nowhere fast and it’s going off the rails like a runaway freight train.  Next week looks like a knock-down drag-out double-header, Tre vs. Joe and Tre vs. Melissa.  See you next week for the clusterf*ck of epic proportions!

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