Oh For the Love of Pignoli Cookies!

Joe and Melissa are shopping for Thanksgiving and Joe is admiring the butt steak a bit too much.  He’s behaving worse than a two year old in the supermarket, he keeps putting shit they don’t need in the cart.  I think Melissa has her hands full with Joe, let alone the kids.

Juicy and Tre are off to get a live turkey and she is freaking out about killing a bird for their dinner.  She misses her exit and now they are stuck in traffic.  Meanwhile, clammy Kathy is making clam cakes.  She has no formal training in the kitchen, no shit.  She is making a zillion desserts and we hear her son Joseph speaking in the background, in his Benson and Hedges voice, asking if anyone wants to lick the bowl.  I guess he likes to smoke a few while he plays with his knives.  They are making Tiramisu and Joseph has his grubby fingers all over the lady fingers.  Kathy burns her cookies because her confrontation with Caroline has thrown her for a loop, she is way off kilter.  Kathy is stressing out and Richie says he knows where Teresa gets her attitude.  Well played Richie, well played.  You will be sleeping on the couch for a week.

Juicy and Tre are still lost, Juicy is calls her a “friggin’ ditz just drivin’ around all over the place.”  They arrive at the poultry farm where they can meet the meat they eat.  Now that’s a marketing concept.  Too bad the name of the farm “Road Poultry” doesn’t sound too appetizing.  Tre doesn’t understand how they can say the turkeys don’t know what is about to happen to them, how can these farmers get into the mind of a turkey?  Deep Thoughts…with Teresa Giudice… Juicy asks for a turkey that is already dead because they felt too guilty.  The turkey costs $45.00 and there is some awkwardness at the cash register.  I guess Juicy thought the turkey was a bit high.

Caroline and Albert are on their way with Lauren to meet Vito’s parents.  Rather than meet at their home, they meet at the Little Italy Deli.  I take it Vito’s family owns the place.  Anyway, it’s like a meaty meet and greet.  They meet, eat meat, and greet.  It’s great!  Albert is excited about the prosciutto ballz.  The girls are hob-nobbing and Albert is busy texting on his crackberry.  Lauren gets behind the deli counter to get her hands on the meat and Vito shows her how to use the slicer.  Albert keeps talking about poor people, rich people, blah blah blah.  Open mouth, insert foot.  He actually puts Vito down by saying he graduated from Fordham and now he slices mortadella.  Bad move Albert…bad move.  The women look peeved, something tells me this ain’t the end of this.

Let’s check in with Boyz II Manzo’s…Christopher is lying on the couch, Albie is mad that Chris is wearing his jeans.  Albie bottom lines it:  “It’s not rocket science, just stop wearin’ my shit.”  Greg is cleaning the toilet by spraying Lysol in it.  Ashley stops by and she hugs Albie and her brokedown weave gets stuck in his facial hair.  Christopher is shocked that they hug when they see each other.  Ashley says they were all very close and she shared a room with Lauren and Christopher when they stayed at Caroline’s after first moving to New Jersey.  Interesting, I did not know they all lived together at one time.  Anyhoo…Ashley is whining to the Boyz II Manzo’s about her commute from Jersey to Manhattan to work and Albie gives her a reality check.  She is barking up the wrong tree if she if she is attempting to garner any sympathy.  Albie tells her she has to work hard and show her parents some appreciation and respect.  Greg and Delores the dog sit and smirk in their pink hoodies while they watch Ashley start to tear up.  Ashley says “oh I’m PMS-ing.”  I guess the PMS must stand for Pretty Much Sulking.  I swear, this girl has the personality of an old damp tent.

Jacqueline is suspicious because Ashley is behaving and she asks her what she wants.  Ashley gives them a song and dance about how she is improving herself.  We come to find out that ultimately, Ashley wants to be Carrie Bradshaw, which proves this twit has no grip on reality.  First of all, Carrie Bradshaw had a job.  Even if Ashley could handle commuting to work, she will never be able to afford the spacious rent controlled apartment, the designer clothes, $40K worth of Manolo Blahniks, and 8 martinis at Bungalow 8.

It’s the day of Teresa’s “Friends-giving” and she still has not heard from Joe since she delivered the letter.  Teresa is dressing up the tables so nicely, too bad she will probably flip them before the day is out.  The girls are fighting, pulling each other’s hair and Juicy is sound asleep.

Melissa and her sisters are preparing dinner in their leopard outfits and Melissa is wearing a mink apron.  Hooker, puh-leeeze!  The guys are already doing shots of tequila.  It’s always a great idea to get juked up at a holiday gathering of Italian hot-heads.  Kathy’s desserts are OTT (over the top), but gee…I don’t think she made enough!  Kathy got some mad skills, like da’ Cake Boss or some shit.  Joe has a surprise for Melissa and he rallies everyone out in front.  Low and behold, he has a friggin’ mechanical bull.  He is riding the bull and says “now I know what my wife feels like”.  Richie climbs aboard and puts on an S&M mask and gets thrown off in 1/16th of a second.  Kathy saddles up and Richie tells the bull operator “that’s my wife right there, I’ll bust your ass mother f*cker.”  These people exhibit such decorum, I can’t stand it.  Joe carries Melissa up to the bull and gets on with her and starts riding it provocatively.  Melissa says anytime she does anything where she has a little bit of contact with Joe, it becomes sexual.  I am beginning to think she’s just not that into him.  Can’t say that I blame her, he is a disgusting schvetty warthog of epic proportion.

The Manzo’s arrive at Teresa’s and they couldn’t look more somber.  The others arrive and something seems a bit off about this gathering, like they are all uneasy or maybe just not in the mood for more of Teresa’s hyperbolic re-hashing.  Teresa yammers on about them being her family and she becomes a little veklempt.  Caroline knows they are going through tough times, but they are all there for them.  Heck Jacqueline even brought sprinkle cookies!  They talk about the turkey farm and Juicy says it was the “most disgustingest thing ever” and he had turkey poop in his throat.  Albert understands the bonding with the bird.  I love how Juicy and Tre just make up words.

Back at the Gorga ranch, it’s like livin’ in a pinball machine.  They prepare for their first course and Melissa says grace after she helps Joe into his high chair.  Joe keeps saying “that was beautiful” and keeps kissing Melissa.  Anything to get his hands on her.  It’s nice that he adores her, but enough with the PDA already.  The guests are all raving about the sauce.  Richie suggests that Joe call Teresa and invite them over for dessert.  Lord knows they have enough of it.  Heck maybe they can get Juicy and Joe on the bull and they can kiss and make up.

Meanwhile…Teresa is yelling at Gabriella for slapping her sister in the face.  It’s a full blown tantrum.  The dinner table talk is on Lauren and Vito getting married, then Ashley is texting her pimp and gets to steppin’.

Joe is still talking about Teresa and Kathy is crying at the thought of her children fighting.  C’mon Kathy, get it together.  Your kids are great, they will always love each other, if little Joey doesn’t pull a knife on his sister!

Back at the Giudice table, Juicy is talking about Joe and everyone looks uncomfortable.  Teresa flashes back to her housewarming party where her brother attended and she produces a card in which Melissa wrote “congratulations on your re-done home.”  So it was a cheap pot shot by saying “re-done” home.  Teresa in turn, took a pot shot at Melissa about bringing sprinkle cookies to her home, she said she hated them, “where did you get them?  The damn A & P” and promptly threw them in the garbage.  Melissa is outraged because how dare Teresa throw a pregnant woman’s sprinkle cookies away.  That was Teresa’s way of getting back at her and Teresa hates sprinkle cookies, she only likes pignoli cookies.  Juicy hates pignoli cookies, he hates any peanuts in anything.  Good to know Juice man, good to know.  Well good thing pignoli cookies don’t contain peanuts, you ass-hat!  Jacqueline looks like she wants to punch Teresa in the throat with an open fist.  She brought a tray full of sprinkle cookies and in this moment she realizes that Teresa probably threw them out.  Oh these bitches and their barbs.

Jezzuz ladies, can we use our indoor irrational skank voices?!?!?!  Guess what, time for CMVOR (Caroline Manzo, Voice of Reason) The BL is, this isn’t about the damn cookies or the damn card, Teresa needs to fix it.  Enough with all this foofaraw!  Jacqueline’s hubby, Chris, suggests Teresa take the high road.  Everyone is giving her sound advice, but Teresa says the ball is in Joe’s court.  If Teresa could just shut her pignoli hole and calm her hyper-hyena ass down, maybe she could benefit from what they are saying.

Meanwhile, Joe’s friends are giving him advice as well.  Melissa is showing a modicum of decency and is being very supportive.  Joe actually stops being a total chach-bag for one minute and commits to calling Teresa to talk.  Ahh…happy thanksgiving, they are all feeling the love at the table, but not for the sprinkle cookies!


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