Out of Their Gorgas

 

Kathy and Richie sit down to eat a bowl o’ soup and Richie is slurping his soup in a way that would make a woman kill him in his sleep.  Kathy is whining, Richie is consoling her through his thick framed glasses.  Kathy makes a comment about Teresa and how “you only get one chance to make a first impression, and Teresa blew that outta the water.”  Exsqueeze me?  Baking powder?  I thought she was her first cousin, so why Teresa would be making a first impression to Kathy is beyond my comprehension.  It just goes to show you how brain dead these meat puppets are.  Richie has a brilliant idea and he encourages Kathy to approach Caroline one on one.  Into the lions den we go…

Teresa is at a photo shoot for her new cookbook, “Fabulicious”.  Thank God Teresa explained how she came up with that name.  I never would have figured out that it’s the words “Fabulous” and “Delicious” combined.  She starts out by critiquing the photos, my chicken drummies are “more browner”, we need more parsley on this, Juicy Joe’s meatballs need more sauce.  I mean who eats a meatball without sauce!  Blasphemy, I tell you.  The chef cooking her recipes could not look more annoyed.  Teresa then hob nobs with two of the photo shoot lackeys about “ingredientsces.”  I won’t even go into how she mis-pronounces “Cumin.”  The lackeys laugh at her, not with her.  Tune in next week when Teresa splits the atom and teaches Japanese to a bunch of Portuguese immigrants that speak Spanish as their first language.

Melissa and Joe are going to sit down to a family dinner.  Joe is mad at Melissa because she has been too tired to put out for him.  He speaks of “all this poison” in his body.  Oy vey…Melissa is annoyed, thinks Joe must have his man-pon on backwards.  She rehashes the antics at the Posche post-fashion show.  This is going to turn into a full-blown stand off.

Meanwhile, at the witchcraft store, Jacqueline goes to see a psychic advisor.  She was “very skeptic” at first, but now she is a beweaver.  The advisor is concerned about Ashley, says she has constant PMS.  Whoa, this lady is incredible!  There is negativity surrounding Teresa, she is in desperate need of a sage.  Sage or cumin?  Maybe Teresa needs to throw some parsley around her house, or she may need therapy, or more sauce on her Juicy meat ballz.  The advisor directs Jacqueline to be calm and loving toward Teresa.  Well that should be easy enough, Jacqueline is a good friend, she can listen to Teresa beat the dead-beat brother horse to death.

It’s moving day for the Manzo boys and Aunt Jacqueline gave them a couch and a stripper pole.  Just what Albie and Christopher need, umm…for their curious friend Greg.  Greg and his dog Delores are the first guests, oh wait, they are not guests, but they are roommates.  Yes, Greg and Delores the dog in her pink hoodie, are moving in and Christopher explains that Greg is their mister, (man-sister, like their sister Lauren, but with a beard).  They celebrate with pizza and champagne in Dixie cups.  Lauren feels unappreciated and says she and her boyfriend Vito will get engaged and she will move in with him before getting married so she can first see if he does a bunch of things that will make her hate him.  Newsflash:  They don’t need to play house, he WILL do things that will make her hate him.  Albie echoes the sentiment and explains that Vito eats potato chips off of his bare stomach.  Lauren is appalled.  We interrupt this program to bring you an important message from “The Bottom Line, with Caroline Manzo…“c’mon…you’re brothers and sister, you will always be there for each other, and if you aren’t there for each other, I will kill you.”

Ashley is on the phone with her half brother and Jacqueline is re-hashing her checkered past with her father and she asks him about her karma.  We find out about Jacqueline’s tumultuous marriage and raising Ashley at a young age.  Ashley feels lost between her two families and struggling with coming from a broken family.  Jacqueline feels sad, meanwhile Ashley is making a drug deal on her cell phone.

Kathy pays a visit to Caroline and presents her with a big-ass bouquet of flowers and a half-assed apology, while wearing her torn-ass 80’s, acid wash jeans.  Caroline looks like she couldn’t possibly care less and she confirms this by saying “I don’t care!”  Kathy looks like a stunned mouse in a Dixie cup.  I wish Caroline would stop beating around the bush!

Once again, we have Caroline’s bottom line (hereinafter referred to as the CBL), Kathy threw down some fightin’ words, Kathy started shit in Caroline’s ‘house’ and she wants no part of it.  It’s between Joe and Theresa.  Why is Caroline the only one on this show with an ounce of GD sense?

Little Joey and Littler Joey come in to the bathroom in their matching baby blue velour track suits.  Joe calls Melissa a MILF and asks if he is going to get a bath later.  Their daughter, Antonia, has been “blocking” and Joe leaves the bathroom saying he is “ready to rock and roll, tonight’s the night.”  Later he is pawing Melissa in the closet and says he only “needs five minutes.”  Joe, puh-leeeze, this is not something to brag about!  He then compares his need for the five minutes to having a zit on his forehead and the relief and gratification he would get from popping it, having it shoot across the room, and releasing the poison in his body.  Gee…he’s so appealing, how can Melissa be too tired for some quality time with him?

Kathy and Richie are making dinner and he calls a family meeting.  He has a brand new white Mercedes for Kathy in the driveway.  He’s disgusted by how Kathy has been treated, so she gets a brand new car.  She clarifies that Richie is “taking care” of her, not spoiling her, because spoiled has a bad connotation, like spoiled meat.

Caroline and Teresa go shopping, Caroline is rockin’ a slicked back do that doesn’t really become her.  Teresa brags about how she worked for Macy’s, now she’s an author.  She re-re-hashes with anyone who will listen, again.  Caroline is telling Teresa about Kathy’s half-assed visit.  Teresa won’t shut up and Caroline, once again, puts the kibosh on that.  Teresa yammers on, cruisin’ for a bitch slap of epic proportion.

Caroline, clearly annoyed, suggests Teresa shut her damn pie hole and write a letter.  We have a regular Dr. Phil session going on in the fashion boutique.  Later, Jacqueline is going to help Teresa write the letter, she opens the wine first, good thinking.  Teresa reads the draft of her letter from her blackberry hand-held.  Jacqueline has already finished her half-gallon of wine and mentions that Teresa did not mention Melissa in the letter.  They argue about the letter, clearly Teresa would rather be right than be happy.  Teresa forgives Joe and Melissa for being “stupid”.  I am sure Joe and Melissa will take kindly to that.

Jacqueline is ready to lose it, Teresa won’t listen, hours pass, Teresa runs out of paper, Jacqueline’s 2-year old son has learned to bake cookies by himself and he has made a pot of coffee.  Teresa and Jacqueline go for a ride to deliver the letter, Teresa rants in the car, she has learned nothing.  Joe and Melissa are running two miles, they arrive home to find the letter.  Joe makes Melissa read it to him.  I think this is a guise, I bet Joe can’t read.  Melissa actually musters up some decency and encourages Joe to speak to Teresa.  The only way Joe will ever agree to be Teresa’s BFF is if she becomes Teresa Gorga again.  The way I see it, they are both out of their Gorgas!

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