Hell-o-Ween

It’s Helloween and the “Old School Housewives” (Caroline, Jacqueline, and Teresa) gather together to carve pumpkins.  Teresa tells G to the ia she’s doing a great job carving her pumpkin.  By the look G’s face as she wields that carving tool, I would say Teresa and Juicy better keep the kid on lockdown and away from Kathy’s son, Joey, who likes to lay on the bed with knives.  These two might cut each other up!

“It’s cold, it’s nasty, it’s slippery…” No, that’s not Caroline talking about the Dude named Danielle, but the inside of a pumpkin.

Teresa rehashes the christening brawl.  She claims the success of her cookbook drove her brother and sister in law away.  We are treated to clips from the brawl.  Teresa must hand off the baby to Juicy for changing because she is “in the middle of a deep convefrsation.”  Well Juicy is in the midst of his rehash and doesn’t really want to be bothered.  As Juicy recounts, he says “this little fidgets like, comin’ at me.”  Teresa is back with the ladies and Caroline reminds everyone that the Posche fashion show is coming up, what are they gonna do?  Caroline bottom lines it and implies that Teresa needs to fix it!  Theresa disagrees…she’s the matriarch of their family and she don’t need no stinkin’ advice!

Clammy Kathy and Jeff Goldblum invite Melissa and Joe for dinner and they are both dressed in their black cat burglar caps.  Now they rehash the brawl, Joe had a couple of drinks in him at the christening, he gave Teresa “the eyes”, she should have known better.  Kathy talks about the “Gorga Switch”, Joe and Theresa have it, they just snap.  I have to say that Joe was totally out of line and I an on team Teresa on this one, and I don’t really even agree with her behavior most of the time.  Joe is getting all worked up and Richie thinks it’s kinda funny, he tells Joe to breathe.  Joe looks like he has been dropped on his head too many times.  Richie suggests Joe have lunch with Teresa, Melissa brings up the fashion show.  Hmm…maybe the Posche fashion show will bring peace?  Not likely.

Melissa and Kathy go to Posche to check out the fashions they will wear for the show.  That freakin’ Kim G. housewive wanna be shows up and starts trash talkn’ Teresa, says she has a “fat, crooked ass.”  Dammmmmnnnn, she a strait up G!

It’s Helloween and Teresa dresses up as her own self-contrived super hero Super T.  G to the ia says “you’re embarrassing.”  Out of the mouths of babes!

Melissa pours herself into a Catwoman costume and Joe dresses up like Snooki from the “Jersey Shore”.  Joe is wriggling into his Snooki dress and I have to say watching him walk around in a gold lame halter dress and high heels just made this show worth watching.  Melissa thinks he looks “hot”, but she’s not attracted to him as a woman.  Uhhh…Melissa, NEWSFLASH, it’s Halloween, you’re not supposed to be attracted to your poly-pocket husband in drag!

Kathy is dressed like a tranny fresh off of an Indian reservation.  She says that Joe looks like Teresa, “like a train wreck that you can’t look away from.”  The Kim’s show up at Melissa’s house and they are dressed like half hookers, or some bat shit crazy clothing they would wear to a ladies lunch on a Sunday.  The gang piles on a party bus and goes to a club to drink and dance.  Joe is pullin’ a Jersey turnpike on the dance floor and the girls are pre-gossiping about the Posche fashion show.

Meanwhile, back at the Brownstone, Albert and Caroline set up for the big event and Caroline wants to sit near the door so she can make a quick escape.  Teresa goes to Jacqueline’s to pre-party over prosciutto and champagne before the fashion show.  It’s always a good idea to get liquored up before any potentially confrontational situation.  Jacqueline admires Theresa’s ass as her Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, Santino, looks on.  The dynamic duo prepare for confrontation with Melissa and mull over various scenarios.  Jacqueline points out that when Teresa says “hello” the shit hits the fan.  Bottom line:  Teresa’s screwed.

Melissa and Kathy pre-gossip about the fashion show as well.  Kathy has Teresa’s M.O., she is going to “act normal” as if nothing happened.  Melissa wants an apology, but the people in hell want ice water too.  Meanwhile, Theresa is talking about pie fitting together.  There will be no pie Teresa, the three of them are gonna come to blows.

Jacqueline is getting good and drunk and you can tell she wants nothing to do with this impending fiasco.  Well whadda ya’ know, Teresa comes to the fashion show and “acts normal.”  Melissa knew she would do this and act like they didn’t just have an “explosive christening” that Juicy could not be part of due to his “explosive diarrhea”.  Teresa is not fazed.

The girls all take their seats and proceed to give each other the stink eyes.  Now Kim G. must be constipated ‘cuz now she is trying to start shit.  Caroline says that Kim G. is only a few years older than her, so the Kim’s on these shows must lie about their ages.  Kim G. is aging about as well as Kim Zolciak from Atlanta, who claims she is only 30.  DREAM ON!

Jacqueline walks the runway and she looks uncomfortable.  She puts her hands out like “okay, here I am, WTF?”  In contrast, our resident fame-seeking attention whore Melissa, struts her stuff like nobody’s bidness.  She must have attended the G to the ia Modeling Academy.  She rocked that shit so “explosively,” she got to walk the runway twice.

In the aftermath of the fashion show, Kathy approaches Teresa…WRONG MOVE.  She asks Teresa about the christening and in the process is riling her up.  Kathy is either a dumb-shit or she is constipated, and trying to start shit.  She knows about the “Gorga Switch” and she is flirting with disaster by accusing Teresa of leaving her daughter unattended.  Teresa becomes completely unglued and storms off, trying to garner witnesses to back her up and say she did not leave her child alone.  Caroline is trying to diffuse the situation.  You gotta love Caroline Manzo, the bitch don’t come to play.  She tells them “kill each other in your own homes, not here.”  Theresa says “Kathy knows what kind of mother I am, how dare she insult me!  Bitch, show some class.”  Well put Oxymoron T, well put.

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