Family Sucks

Now that American Idol has come to a close, I felt this void from lack of blogging, what better way to fill the void than with some good ol’ Real Houseweives of New Crazy Jersey!  Hope y’all enjoy…I know I am starting late, but here is the first episode, #2 and #3 to come shortly!

We are treated to a flashback of last season, we have taken out the papers and the trash, there is no more Dude named Danielle this season, but we have added Joe and Melissa Gorga, Teresa’s brother and sister in law.  What the heck let’s throw in Teresa’s first cousin Kathy and her chubby hubby Richie, who is a pedestrian version of Jeff Goldblum.

We start at the christening for little Giuseppe, Joe and Melissa’s baby.  Joe starts a nasty fight with Teresa after she mutters dem fightin’ words “Hello, just wanted to say congratulations”.  G to the ia is trying to drag Teresa away, while Joe lovingly calls Teresa garbage.  There is so much going on here, it’s insane in the membrane.  Joe goes batshit crazy and starts pounding on the table.  Okay, that’s the first three minutes.

I smell me some serious back-story here…We flash back to one week earlier, Joe 2.0 (Teresa’s husband, hereinafter we will utilize his nickname “Juicy”) there are too many Joes.  Teresa is hawking her cookbook, doing book signings at the little pizza parlor where Juicy is working.  Mama is bringin’ home da’ bacon.  Enter Jacqueline and Caroline to show their support.  Teresa’s family has dissed her.  Her “Real Housewives” family is all she has left.

Meanwhile, back in Hoboken, NJ, the Manzo boys are showing Caroline their new apartment.  Caroline breaks down over the 80’s bathroom.  She is a proud mama and Albie had a rough year and was rejected from law school.  Actually, I think Caroline is weeping because the Manzo sons will never realize their dream of opening a stripper car wash.

We find Jacqueline going to visit her daughter Ashley at her internship for none other than Lizzie Grubman.  The drunk-ass lunatic who ran over a bunch of people in the Hamptons years ago as she screamed “F*–You, White Trash!”  Sounds like a real role model to me.  Anyhoo, Ashley asks Jacqueline about moving to NYC so she won’t need to commute so far to her internship.  They start to get into this whole conversation in front of Lizzie and Ashley goes off the rails.  Lizzie gives Ash a pep talk and says Ashley is a carbon copy of her, but without the violence.  Wow…just wow.  Bravo sure can pick ‘em.

Jacqueline, Ash and her stepfather Chris have the same conversation over lunch.  Chris gives Jacqueline the “shush” and he offers to help Ashley by paying for her commuting costs.  Jacqueline’s ride is waiting for her outside…it’s a huff and she’s going to leave in it.  Chris then defends Jacqueline and tells Ashley she doesn’t give her the respect she should.  Love how the worm keeps a turnin’.

Okay, so back to the Teresa/Joe mishigas.  Teresa is in her plaid Kangol hat and she is longing for Melissa to be like a sister to her.  There’s just no support, blah blah blah.  Jacqueline offers her a token “this too shall pass.”  Then Teresa finally ponies up about the bankruptcy.  The Cavalier King Charles puppy Jacqueline is holding looks more interested in Teresa than Jacqueline does.

Okay, let’s get on to this cracky ass ho Melissa, she is lotioning up and asks Joe if he will apply her lotion.  He starts sucking on her toes and offers to rub lotion on her butt cheeks.  OY vey…Melissa is super mom, a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the paaaalor, and a ho in the bedroom.  In Jesus’ name…Amen.  Melissa rub-a-dub-dubs the three kids in the tub, as Joe wishes she would rub-a-dub him.

Melissa praises Joe’s “work ethnic.”  Joe praises Melissa, says she is his “hero.”  Well after Joe tells his son that cleaning up is “women’s work”, well Joe is my hero.  In his next life, he is coming back as a toilet brush.

Flash back-forward to Giuseppe’s christening.  He is the last baby Melissa will have and she needs to go out with a bang.  So many jokes, so little time.  Kathy comes by for lunch and Joe exhibits his Napoleon Complex.  He is a diminutive man, he’s pissed off that Jacqueline and Carolyn are Teresa’s new family.  Joe’s blood has done him wrong, Kathy says that Teresa told her that “family sucks.”

Kathy is back at home and she and Richie (Jeff Goldblum) are discussing dinner.  Rich wants clams, he wants to lock the doors, turn the lights down, and eat clams.  That’s some romance.  Rich is not Italian, he’s Lebanese, but Kathy’s parents accept him anyway.  Kathy rides her bike to the market to purchase the clams and places them in the basket.  MMMM…nuttin’like hot clams bakin’ in the bicycle basket.

Kathy catches her son Joseph on his bed, with knives.  He fights with his sister, Victoria, but then they make up and are best friends.  Because according to Kathy “that’s what family is all about.”

The Manzo’s are making the weekly Sunday family dinner.  They are trying to cook southern food and none of them have any clue what they are doing.  Caroline declares the Paula Dean is the only person from Arkansas that can make pasta.  Now there’s an idea, the Manzo’s should challenge Paula Dean to the “Ham Game.”  She makes the Manzo’s “Ham Game” look like child’s play.

Melissa is preparing for her son’s christening by sucking down some bubbly with her sisters.  Teresa and Juicy are trying to get ready, but the kids are being defiant and Juicy won’t put a shirt on and he has a case of the explosive diarrhea.  Theresa’s hair and makeup bitch is late and now there is a conspiracy theory that Melissa kept the makeup bitch too long to make Teresa run late.  C’mon Teresa, Melissa isn’t clever enough to hatch a scheme like that!  Juicy is nowhere near ready, he’s dicking around in the garage with a wheelbarrow.  He can’t go to the christening, he has to go to the batchroom.  This is mass chaos, now Theresa thinks she has the runs.

Melissa is baby talking, Joe says that his dad has pains in his heart.  He’s on a banana peel.  Now we get to the crux of the matter, Joe is bitter because his father like’s Juicy Joe better.  Baby Giuseppe awaits, Teresa hits the road, she keeps yelling at Juicy about his tummy.  Melissa is peeved to the nines that Juicy didn’t come and that G to the ia is at a gymnastics competition.  Meanwhile, Joe is gacked to the nines because he is double fisting Sambuca shots.  Juicy is now at the christening, but he turns down the shot offered from Joe and now he is offended to the nines.  Geez, I guess Juicy is an asshole for not doing a shot first thing in the morning at a CHRISTENING!  Teresa and Kathy have had a falling out too, Kathy told Richie about Teresa’s financial woes and Richie let the cat outta da’ bag by riding Teresa about her spending habits.

At the Manzo’s, dinner guests Jacqueline and Chris are enjoying their southern meal.  At the Manor, the christening is getting tense.  Richie must be constipated, because he is trying to start shit.  He is taking Joe down memory lane and all the great times he used to have with Teresa.  Melissa laughs “remember when we used to eat Nutella.”  WTF is with these people?  I have never seen anything like it.

Melissa flips out because Juicy and Teresa are holding the baby and sends her mother over to confiscate the baby.  Meanwhile, back at “The Bottom Line Starring Caroline Manzo”, she breaks down the drama by saying that Teresa and Melissa are the same person and they need to know their place.

Joe is drunk and outraged that Teresa was holding his son.  There’s another Joe at the table that keeps talking about being “classy” and tells Joe he needs to eat.  Richie explains that Joe and Juicy used to be “Paisons”, Teresa is the problem.  I have never seen a bag of whackadoos like this.  The whackadoodle-doo concentration is at an all time high.

Teresa is giving her “congratulations” so we can pick up where the beginning left off.  The fight escalates…take a walk, you’re garbage, fist pounding, don’t get it twisted…Juicy lunges at Joe, extensions fly, cameramen tumble, f’bombs are dropped.  What in the f*ckery is this hot ass mess?  Has everyone lost their GD friggin’ minds?  They are at a christening for a BABY!  It’s a full blown brawl, it takes three men to hold Joe back, the poor father is about to have another heart attack.  G to the ia is crying, this actually is not really funny anymore, it’s insane.  Another fight breaks out and the men have some unknown stranger down on the ground.  One of the party goers stands up and starts screaming “Calm the F*ck down!  This is a kids christening!”  This is mass hysteria, pandemonium at its finest.  This makes the wig pulling last season look like two cuddly kittens batting at a catnip mouse.  Joe’s friend Joey 3.0 calms him down and takes him to the bar.  Brilliant idea, add fuel to the fire.  Jezzuz Joey 3.0, put your gasoline and matches away!

Joe looks like a little dirt weevil, he starts yelling at his father, now they are going at it and Joe breaks down into the ugly cry.  The guests are leaving, it’s awful.  They make the guests on the Jerry Springer Show look like puritans.  Prediction:  the next three episodes will be spent re-hashing this mess.  Bravo, Bravo…what an opener.

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