And Two Become One

We begin with a retrospective of our American Idols when they were little.  It was a wee bit freaky to see an 8 year old Scotty saying “please welcome our next American Idol!”  Hard to believe the show has been on that long!

Judges emerge, what in the ice-dancing hell is JHO wearing?  Our diminutive Peaches descends the Hasbro’s slippery steps for the last time this season.  Scotty and Lauren, the youngest final two matchup in AI history, come out to get the festivities underway.  Lauren clears up a rumor about trouble with her voice, Peaches summons the doctor out to explain the issue.  Apparently she blew out one of her vocal cords.  They drugged her up and she is ready to run with the big DAWGS.

Scotty won the coin toss and allowed Lauren to choose the order of performance.  What a sweet boy.  He is up first with “Gone.”  He does a good job and as Peaches announces his call-in numbers, Scotty looks like he is drugged up.  Maybe it’s just the adrenaline rush.

Lauren is up next with “Flat on the Floor.”  It looks like she has a Littl Lauren stumble on the Hasbro’s slippery steps.  Well, it is a slippery slope!  Anyway, she does okay, but I was not wild about this song the first time she performed it.  JHO got da’ stank face on, so she’s diggin’ it.  JHO is rockin’ out and then she stops abruptly, as if she knew she was on camera.  Lauren gets a standing O from JHO and DAWG.  You would think Steven could muster up some energy for his favorite contestant!

Next is Celeb picks and George Strait has selected “Check Yes or No” for Scotty.  This must be a song about a note he wrote in 3rd grade.  Ha-ha, the first line of the song says “3rd grade.”  How funny, I have never heard this song before.  It’s cute, he seems to enjoy it, but then for some reason he appears nervous or uneasy.

Sidebar:  Oy vey, a commercial about Oprah’s last show.  Okay, okay people, we know, she’s a national treasure, but didn’t she announce the end of her show last year???  Why is she still on TV?  Maybe I am just grumpy, but I am O-Ver the O!

Carrie Underwood picks “Maybe it Was Memphis” for Lauren.  What in the hot holy, ice-dancing, toddlers-n-tiaras, HELL, is Lauren wearing?  I do not like it and I am pissed off…about it!  This is just sick and wrong, she looks like she is wearing a tutu.  What the hell is wardrobe smoking?  I can only imagine that convo… “Lookie here Cletis, I done found this goldenrod metallic Christmas tree skirt at Big Lots right next to the dollar bin where I found these pewter cowgirl boots.  Lets’ put these puppies on Littl Lauren!”  Brilliant, just brilliant, they must have stopped at the head shop on the way home from Big Lots and gotten a hold of a tub o’ those fancy “bath salts”.  Despite the wardrobe malfunction, she does well with the song.  We are treated to the third camera shot of her mom, Brit-Brit.

Peaches defers to the judges and DAWG gives his feedback.  The collar on his jacket is ridiculous.  He looks like he is about to take flight.  DAWG gives Scotty round one, but round two goes to Lauren.  JHO concurs with the DAWG.  Steven gives both rounds to Lauren because she is “prettier.”  Steven’s jacket looks like reptile vomit.

Oh lord, Peaches is stalling and he asks the audience how they feel about the last Oprah.  We cannot escape her ubiquitous spell.  We get to hear this song, something about being positive.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, save the tap dance suck knob, just get on with the show!

Jimmy I. introduces the song written for Scotty.  The song is called “I Love you This Big.”  That must be a song about how a toddler expresses his love.  Maybe Scotty belongs on toddlers-n-tiaras.  It’s an okay song, but I am not crazy about it.  I think it’s nice that they finally wrote unique songs for both of the finalists instead of making them sing the same song.  DAWG says he is “in it to win it.”  Really DAWG, really?  This all you got???  JHO talks about Scotty’s “storytelling.”  Steven looks on as if she is giving a monumental speech.  Peaches comments on how Scotty is so “chill.”  I think that is what I am noticing, he doesn’t seem as animated as he has been lately.

Jimmy introduces “Like my Mother Does” for Lauren.  Ohhhhhhhh boy, this must be a song about a helmet hair do.  Seriously, Brit-Brit is going to be crying off the 12 pounds of mascara she has on.  Peaches gingerly assists her down the stairs so Littl Lauren can give Brit-Brit a serenade.  Brit-Brit is all smiles, no tears, what is she a robot???  Oh my gosh, this is so ironic.  All season I have been making fun of Brit-Brit, and now here is this incredibly moving moment for all.  Finally, Brit-Brit emotes.  DAWG loves it and calls it the “exact summation of her journey” and she gets a standing O.  JHO says she “may have just won.”  Steven says she is “it” in his eyes.  He really did call it from day one when she auditioned and I had a feeling about her too.  I hope Littl Lauren can pull it off!  Peaches says “the makeup is runnin’, but that’s okay!”

DAWG gives round 3 to Lauren, JHO evades the question and Steven gives it to Lauren “hands down.”  Past winner David Cook sings us out with “Don’t You Forget About Me.”  We are treated to a video montage of some of the memorable moments and characters.  Off to vote…catch everyone on the flip side for the grand finale!

Peaches makes his way out to the stage one last time this season, still wearing the same tux he rented the night before.  Peaches asks who is there for Scotty and then Lauren.  They show Scotty’s family and then Lauren’s family, just sitting silent, not clapping or howling, nuttin’.  I find this bizarre, did the Fox Mafia forbid them from cheering?  DAWG is dressed so totally ridiculously, I can’t stand it.  Lauren and Scotty are clad in white.  The Fox Wardrobe Department must have gone shopping at Black House / White Market.  The top thirteen sing “Born This Way” by Lady Caca.  Girls strike a pose, Jacob is grabbing his schmegegle with reckless abandon.  The girls look like robots performing their choreography.  The one girl, whatz her nut, looks different, I can’t think of her name.  Dallas or something?

James performs with Judas Priest and they seem to have a good time.  It’s a far cry (pun intended) from James’ group performance in his tighty-whitey costume.  They get a standing O from the judges and DAWG is throwing gang signs.

We are treated to a DAWG montage where he repeats his over used catch phrases.  It was a whole “Minute to win it” of DAWG saying “In it to win it.”

Lusky Stank is up next with some duet of sorts.  The piano player keeps spouting off shit and then he is joined by Gladys Knight.  Maybe the spouting guy is a pip.  Oh now I get it, all the stars that are singing tonight have tours to promote.  You can check out Gladys Knight at the trashy Tropicana Hotel.

Creepy Casey Beardy Weirdy is up next.  He is singing “Fat Bottomed Girls” and whadda ya’ know, Jack Black is lounging behind the prop couch.  Jack is doing a jungle gyration behind him, I think we know who is going to steal this performance.  What in the jazzercising neon camel toe?  These girls come out on bikes and do a little spandex dance.  Go see Jack in “Kung Fu Panda 2.”

The girls come out and perform a Beyoncé medley.  I think Austen thinks she is Beyoncé.  Oh man, they totally just slaughtered “If I Were a Boy.”  This is getting outright painful to watch.  Here we go, Mrs. Jay Z makes her way down the Hasbro’s slippery steps to shake her Popeye’s chicken ass.  Okay, I had to look up that contestants name that I keep calling Dallas and now Austen, I was close…it’s Ashton.  Sorry peeps, it’s been a long day!

Peaches rolls the clip extravaganza of our resident “Loose Cannon” Steven.  Cute, but I am sure the stuff they couldn’t show was funnier.  Haley is up next with Tony Bennett.  She does well, but her dress looks like one of those Rorschach ink blot tests.  Another standing O from the judges.

JHO is getting her moment in the sun now.  All of the contestants are crushing on her and making her feel old.  DAWG keeps trying to HAWG her compliments.  JHO’s wardrobe is not always up to par, but her hair and makeup team are faboo.  Loving her hair tonight.

Now we are treated to a perf from Li’l John, fresh off his stint on the Celebrity Apprentice.  Then TLC performs “No Scrubs”, which was actually written by Real Housewives of Atlanta star, Kandi Burrus.  The ONLY NORMAL “real” person on the whole Bravo “housewives” franchise.  Actually, TLC was one of those bands that sold millions of records and ended up totally flat, bitch-busted, broke because they didn’t read their contract.  Note to self AI winner…whoever you may be!  Make sure you get more than 1/16th of a cent on each album sold.

Scotty is up next with Tim McGraw.  They did a very nice performance and again a Standing O from judges.  I think the standing O’s are gratis tonight.

We are back and JHO is missing from the judges table.  I sure hope she is not coming out in her hammer pants again.  We are treated to a montage of some of the worst auditions.  You gotta love the pissed off people.  I like the mom that yells at the camera guy “get out of my way before I kick you in the dick” and then she tells her crying daughter to “shut up.”  The compassion is overwhelming.

Marc Anthony comes out next to strut his stuff, but that still doesn’t answer our question of JHO’s whereabouts.  Sheila E is hammering away on the drums, but where-o-where has our JHO gone?  DAWG is rockin’ out, keeping her seat warm, but where-o-where has JHO’s caboose gone?  Marc Anthony has really bad facial hair, he has a moustache that looks like it belongs on a smarmy used car salesman with a sweaty upper lip.  Annnndd….mystery solved, there is our JHO.  She dances out in her carwash outfit, she creeps up to her hubby like a savage beast.  She shakes her ham-hocks like nobody’s bidness.  No wonder JHO had the big lion mane hair tonight.  She is burnin’ da’ shit down.  Crowd goes wild, she gives Marc a kiss and Peaches says “now we know what they do at home!”

James and Casey fight over who had the most shocking elimination and Pia shows up in a “Miss Shocking” sash and tiara.  HAR-DE-HAR-HAR!  The guys are up next with a Prince/Tom Jones extravaganza.  It’s clear that James and Casey have a very “special” relationship.  Whoever choreographs these group numbers should be hog-tied.  Tom Jones comes down the Hasbro’s Slippery Steps, Barbie-N-Me Version.  He sings his song, the boys shift, snap, and sway.  The best snapper is Stefano and I still contend he should be in a boy band.  DAWG is rockin’ out and Steven just sits there with that face on that makes him look like a tranny catfish.

We have a flashback to the final two and their journey, which is really just another shameless Ford plug.  They get to invite their favorite teachers to the finale.  Peaches comments on how “hot” the teachers are.  The final two present the teachers with new Ford Focus cars.  Scotty’s teacher looks like Jenna Elfman.  Lauren’s teacher has helmet hair, must be a southern thing.  Scotty and Lauren get their pick of any Ford car they want, hell new cars for everyone!  Now Peaches makes a curious comment, he congratulates the teachers on the new cars and then he says they “did their hair for American Idol tonight.”  Now I am not sure how to take this because one teacher with the helmet hair, has clearly spent a lot of time and a bucket o’ Aqua Net on her coif.  The Jenna Elfman teacher kinda looks like she just came from the grocery store where Scotty used to ring up the granny smith apples.  If I didn’t know any better, I would say Peaches was taking a chach-tastic jab, unbeknownst to the teachers.

Next, we see Lady Hep-C perform.  Excuse me while I go pour acid in my eyeballs.  She is clearly lip synching and she’s writhing around on some fake boulders with a male model.  Then they jump off, maybe they will be trapped down there for 127 hours.

Lauren is up next singing with Carrie Underwood.  Carrie looks like she dipped her legs in a vat of spray tan, shade “Oompa Loompa Nights.”  The audience goes wild, Brit-Brit is on her feet clapping, but the helmet hair ain’t movin’.

Beyoncé is singing again and I’m over it, I just wanna know who wins!  OH holy Spiderman song, now I am just going to have to fast forward.  Now Steven is missing from the judges table, so now he is going to sing?  Of course, we are treated to his infamous song “Dream On.”  Best part of the show, if lovin’ Steven is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!  JHO and DAWG are loving it too.  Now if the producers at Idol really wanted to be cool, they would have had James do a duet with Steven!

We are ready for the announcement, Scotty and Lauren both look like they are about to blow chunks.  Once again, the wardrobe department has Littl Lauren dressed like some sorta geegaw in another tree skirt from Big Lots.  Wow, just wow, Scotty wins.  I am happy for Scotty, but I am a bit surprised, I really thought Littl Lauren had it.  Scotty sings us out, but he is having a hard time as he adorns his family with hugs.  Well our top two li’l youngins are off to a life of superstardom.  Scotty is down on the ground, looks like he might go into the ugly cry, but then he sticks out his tongue to catch confetti, just like the Peanuts gang catching the snowflakes on their tongues.

Well, that’s a wrap…film at 11.  Off to find another show to blog about until Idol returns in January.  Thanks for reading!

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