Our final three went to their hometowns for a visit and I must ask, what is up with the decals being put on the cars to transport the contestants? You mean to tell me that the multi-billion dollar AI machine cannot afford their own fleet of exclusive AI limos? We have to put stick-on AI logos on the side? Oy vey Fox, part with a buck, will ya’?
Judges enter, Dawg looks like an ol’ librarian or nutty professor, JHO is sporting the uber-short glittery dress, and Steven…well he just looks kinda over it. The always dapper Peaches glides down the Hasbro’s slippery steps. James Durbin received a warm welcome home and that was nice to see, he will do just fine.
We welcome our three remaining contestants, uh when did Little Lauren become a space cowgirl? For our first song, it’s contestant’s choice. Beyoncé is our maven mentor. C’mon Beyoncé, rock those ham-hocks like nobody’s bidness.
Scotty starts us off with “Amazed.” Beyoncé says his voice is so full and warm, kinda like a 10 piece bucket o’ Popeye’s chicken. Scotty’s eyebrows have a show all their own going on here, they are doing the wave or some shit. The judges all bob their heads as if they are being lulled to sleep. Steven was glad to see Scotty “get angry”, JHO likes the “vibrato” (Oh, you know she does!) and DAWG says he knows where his “lane is” and he “put a period on the end” and Scotty’s “got money!” He’s got money and punctuation, DAWG must have been reading the message boards saying he needs some new catch phrases.
Little Lauren is up next with “Wild One.” Beyoncé gives her props and claps with her janky, clanky, jewelry. She gives Lauren a pep talk and tells her to be a Diva on stage. Lauren is too young, maybe she could be a Wee-va! Holy earrings Lauren, what the flip? She has space ball earrings too, sparkly boots, and then some sort of cape/halter top. I think hair and wardrobe got a little crazy with the glitter glue. JHO gave her props and DAWG admires her connection and having fun. Good lookin’ out. Steven gives her a smile and says she is ready for “America to be all over you.” Peaches asks her what it feels like on her brain. She gets chummy with the Peach and he says that’s what he’s there for. Where would we be without the shot of Lauren’s mom-mom, Brit-Brit? Just look for the platinum blonde helmet hair and the hot pink bedazzled tee-shirt. I am not digging the dark hair underneath Lauren’s toddlers-n-tiaras weave.
Haley will sing “What Is and What Should Never Be.” Beyoncé says it shows her *bleep*. Well bring on da’ BLEEP…Haley is hoping to have her dad play guitar with her because “he rips pretty good.” OH LORD…so many jokes, so little time. Haley emerges slowly from the tippy top of the Hasbro’s slippery steps. It looks like her dad is “ripping”on stage with her. I am not sure if I like this song choice for her. Judges appear to be rockin’ out. There is just something very incongruent about Haley’s look and her singing. Is she a rocker or a cute little song bird in a flouncy dress? I guess that’s what the judges mean when they say “who are you as an artist?” Thank God we don’t have to hear Kara Dioguardi say that anymore. DAWG gives her a standing O and we see Haley mouth the words “OMG”. Steven drags his lazy ass out of his chair to give a squatting O. DAWG called her “fearless”, said she “slayed it” and gave her a “best performance ever.” Steven says “superb” and asks her if she fell for him. WTF, now I have to re-watch…one moment please…hard to type and watch. OH hahaha! I am going straight to hell for laughing at Haley’s fall, but that was kinda funny. Hmm…now you see her, now you don’t! You look away for a minute and you miss the funny sh!t. Okay, all things considered, she recovered nicely. Peaches gathers Haley and her rippin’ pops together, tells them to scoot off stage, DAWG gives round 1 to Haley. Steven said Lauren got her freak on and JHO went with Haley and said she “created a moment.”
Jimmy I’s picks are up next with Scotty. As we go to break, we see Priscilla Presley next to Scotty. I thought that was her earlier when the show opened. What is up with the dude in the dog costume in the audience? What is going on tonight? A full moon must be eminent. He will sing “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not?” Scotty seems about enthusiastic as a sea turtle, maybe he is nervous, or tired. He does okay, now really Jimmy I., you need sunglasses in the studio? Oh these Hollywood d-bags. We are treated to some creepy Scotty eyes at the end and the judges go nut-ballz. JHO is making about as much sense as Steven. She asks him to shave his head for the finale. WHA??? DAWG said Scotty approached “Garth level.” Scotty’s in it to win it. Wow, surprises, cheers, hurrah! Peaches-n-DAWG exchange some waxing jokes. Wax on, wax off.
We return from break and Scotty is waxing philosophical. Enough with the wax, NEXT…Litt’l Lauren is having a wardrobe malfunction and she ripped her panty hose so the FOX intern is feverishly applying body makeup to Lauren’s Li’l Drummies. We flash back to Lauren’s audition and thank goodness they got a hold of her hair. Lauren’s hair do was a hair don’t. Someone needs to work with her mom’s Brit-Brit helmet hair next. Lauren is sitting with Peaches, hope she doesn’t get body makeup on the stool. Jimmy has Lauren sing “If I Die Young.” Her legs are glistening brightly, they’re like the sun, you can’t look directly at them. I am not sure why they had her sit down on the stage with such a short skirt on. That was awkward, anyway on to the critique. JHO says she had an “honest moment”, when she screwed up. Oh boy, Brit-Brit has a microphone, what pray-tell will she say??? DAWG said she has a nice tone and liked the song choice. Steven and his usual gibberish with the bird in his hair, blah blah blah. On to Kristy, Lauren’s Brit-Brit mom. She says she’s aged 20 years. Ok, so then you’ll stop dressing and doing your makeup like Brit-Brit?
Haley is on deck with Jimmy’s pick of “Rihanna.” She starts out okay, the Fox intern cues the wind machine…Haley is a little too into the wind machine. I’m not *blown away* by her perf. Pun intended. DAWG says she was cracking him up because she was looking up. Haley admits she had trouble remembering the words. DAWG says he would grow his hair out if he could have a wind machine. Steven could let the birdies blow in the wind, JHO has her locks wound up tighter than a stage mom on crack, so no wind machine for her. Peaches tells Haley to slip off and Steven says Lauren took round 2. JHO goes with Scotty and DAWG echoes her sentiment.
Now, for the crescendo, round 3 Judges pick…but first we must watch Beyoncé’s new video. Does anyone come on this show without anything to plug. Just DAWG and Peaches, they are the only plug-less ones.
Judges choose “She Believes in Me” for Scotty. JHO is singing along with that distressed look on her face. Steven compliments him on the chorus, JHO agrees and DAWG calls him “sweet and tender.” DAWG…enough with the food references. Peaches throws to Scotty’s dad who sings his version of “Baby Lock Dem Doors.”
We come back from break and Scotty is saying something about his dad singing and he says “Mike” and then something very strange happens. He sort of *snaps* and says “don’t say Mike.” Looks like Scotty went a little Cybil on our asses.
Lauren will sing “I Hope You Dance.” She sounds a little weak on the song, a bit pageanty, she needs to beef it up. JHO has goose bumps and gives her round 3 already. DAWG loved it too, why was I not floored? Steven is fed up with the banter between Peaches-n-DAWG, he is so happy with Lauren’s perf.
Haley is next with “You Oughtta Know.” Too bad DAWG didn’t get Haley good-n-pissed earlier. She will have to emote those old feelings she had for Casey. Oy, she sounds like she is stumbling on the lyrics and struggling a bit with her vocal. Judges heads bob in anticipation, can she be saved??? DAWG loved it, but noted her fumble. Steven loved the choruses again and good ol’ JHO with feedback of little substance.
I am tepid, I don’t think I even wanna vote. Oh well, Peaches emphasizes the importance of voting, so I guess I will. I was just not wowed this evening.
Final three results…Jimmy I. predicts that there will be a guy in the finale. Well, that could mean Scotty, or it could mean Peaches, DAWG, or Steven. Judges emerge, JHO is sporting some short shorts that don’t seem to fit quite right. They are riding up and she is trying to keep them at bay and when she turns around, she reveals a serious wedgie. Peaches emerges from the Hasbro’s slippery steps. We see all of our former contestants in the audience waiting with baited breath. The crowd is going wild, Peaches announces 95 million votes came in. Don’t miss the action a day early next week, AI is on Tuesday night!
Lauren is in her space cowgirl boots again. Haley has a halo or something on her head and Scotty looks all laid back in his Member’s Only jacket. We flash back to the final four and they visit J.J. Abrams and he gets to plug his new movie, Super 8. It’s about a low budget, seedy, no-tell mo-tel chain. No, just jokes…it’s about some kids that make movies with a Super 8 camera. Given J.J.’s history with film and television production, I am sure it’s full of twists and turns and unexplainable events.
Peaches is talking to some actress from the movie and asks her who her favorite is. She goes on and on and on about her cousin’s favorite and they want to see this person sing and she … just… can’t… get… her …words …out. Good Lord, Peaches looks at his watch and throws to commercial break. They say that live television is very stressful for the host because the timing is so crucial. I think this chick just single-handedly sent Peaches into orbit.
We get to see Haley go back to her home town in the rain, big surprise. It’s still raining here in Chicago. She is going to the lovely town of Wheeling where the fans are out in full force. Did Haley just say “Holy Schnikes”? Wow…just…wow. Haley heads home, then to the pep rally at the high school, then off to the race track to perform, in the rain. The big security guard is fake-weeping and we take another commercial break.
Peaches returns with this little girl he calls his assistant. She says something into the microphone and then she is just exasperated, like seriously gasping for her breath. She must have been overly excited to make her television debut! There’s a musical performance, which I will FF through. Now we go with the cameras to see Scotty’s hometown visit, he starts eating a donut handed to him by a random, crazed fan. He goes to his high school and now he is sobbing. Oh, oh, wait for it…holy shitballz, Scotty breaks out into the ugly cry! Meanwhile, back at the grocery store where Scotty rang up granny smith apples like nobody’s bidness, we have more fanfare and sobbing. What Scotty film package would not be complete without some “Baby Lock Dem Doors”, with the original artist, Josh Turner?
Next, our eyeballs are tortured with a performance by Nicole Scherzinger. Auto-tune at its finest once again.
Sidebar: It’s GAME TIME! Let’s play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon!
We saw the new video from American Idol judge, Steven Tyler (1st degree), which featured Nicole Scherzinger (2nd degree), who is also slated to host the upcoming “X-Factor”, which will feature former AI judges Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul (3rd and 4th degrees). Current AI judge JHO (5th degree), had a guest star appearance playing herself on “Will & Grace” (6th degree), which leads us to KEVIN BACON (who also guest starred on “Will & Grace” playing himself!) See how easy this game is??? Try it at your next Barbecue or Bar mitzvah!
We go home with Little Lauren and it appears many of her fans are little girls. I am so glad that her mom Brit-Brit had her hair and makeup team on hand. On a much more serious note, they take a ride to see the damage from the storms. She goes to visit this little local hero who saved his family from the storms. This is actually very sweet, it’s tearing the ass out of poor Lauren.
Peaches summons the final three to center stage. Peaches throws to another commercial break, now the suspense is killing us…Scotty is in and he will go against Lauren. Haley looks like the cheese just got KICKED off her cracker. She is on the verge of going bunny boiling psycho. Peaches grabs her hand and she seems to recoup her composure, but she is in shock. She sings us out with “Benny and the Jets.” Well, it’s a wrap for this penultimate weecap! See you next week for the finale!